To start let's get the legalities out of the way: These characters are the property of Bright Kaufmann, and Crane Productions in cooperation with Warner Brothers.

This my first story I dedicate to Rachgreengeller who has been bugging me for two l-o-n-g years to write as she thought the idea was "cute".

Remember… this is but fiction and as such will not only be politically un-correct but may sound outright absurd… but hey, it's my story so if you don't like it … oh well. It's just a story. Otherwise, with all the hoopla out of the way I now present to you… The One With the Supa Heroes…

Everywhere you go … be it north or south or east or west you will always find "The Hero". They come in all types and styles. They are big or small, fast or slow, smart or dumb. But they do exist and exist they do in all types of places. Be it city or country, metro or slum, county or village. And speaking of "The Village", they too have their hero. Some would consider them to be among the luckiest of them all. For not only do they have one hero, they have a pair. And what a pair they are… for one is but a mild-mannered paleontologist and the other a hard-hitting, key-punching data processor. To their friends they go by Ross Geller and Chandler Bing, but to the populous of New York they are none other then Captain Wuss and Boy Blunder… fearless fighters of crime and the headache of the notorious and nefarious masterminds of Madame Book and Doctor End or to those of the true inner circle as The Bookends… and who might these be? Well just stick around for you are about to find out…

"So you're saying that a phalange isn't part of an airplane?" Joey stated while giving his usual look of confusion.

"DUH… NO… it's the bone of a dinosaur" shot back Ross in his usual sarcastic superiority.

"DUH? Now there's one you don't hear anymore" comeback from Chandler who was sitting next to Joey at the small round table next to their favorite orange couch.

"Yah-Huh…" quickly piped in Phoebe who sat next to Joey on the orange couch, "It is so because I made it up. And I am always right, ain't I Rachel?" She gave her the look as if to say 'agree with me or I will kick your ass'.

"Right you are Phoebes… And Ross, if I were you I would agree also unless you want Phoebe to prove her point." And that said, Ross looked over toward Phoebe and seeing the look gave in rather quickly by the sudden disappearance of his 'Ha, I won' smile…

"So anyway… any plans for tonight, Chandler?" quipped Ross hoping to quickly change the subject so as not to have to admit defeat at the hand of a dumb blond or the woman of his dreams.

"Joey and I have two … no, make that three tickets to tonight's finals of the New York Amateur Beach Volley Ball sponsored by whom, Joey…"

"The Bay Watch Babes…" beamed Joey with a huge grin and a shake of his head. "Just picture it Ross. You, Chandler and I… bikini clad women. And…an ice cold beer. Whatcha say? You In?"

Ross paused to ponder what Joey just said but then a look of forlorn broke the only bright spot to his rather dull Friday. "As great as that sounds, guys, I can't …"

"But why not, Ross. It's the three Bs. Babes, bikinis and beer. Life couldn't BE any more better…" pleaded Chandler.

"Ah yes there is, the three Bs with J…" chimed Joey.

Ross and Chandler both looked at each other with dumb expressions, "Three Bs and J, Joey?" asked Ross perplexed.

And in reply Joey lifted his right hand in a gesture of emphasis "Babes, bikinis, beer and JELLO… huh … huh…" smiled Joey in his usual charming way.

"As pleasing AND as pleasurable as that may sound I just can't make it. I promised Monica that I would help her pick out the decorations for our parent's anniversary." Ross replied.

Chandler saw the sad look on his best friend's face and tried one last pitch to change his mind, "Ross your parents anniversary is month's away and you check in with her like… what every hour. What is she… your mother? This is a once in a life-time opportunity. And you will be kicking yourself for the rest of your life…"

"He's right, Ross." Injected Joey. "C'mon Ross… Babes… beer…. BIKINIS…."

But at that moment.

"I heard that Bing…" Pronounced Monica as she swooped into the coffee shop. "How dare you compare me with that woman. And YOU, Dr. Geller are NOT going to get out of this. Don't even think of backing out on me again."

"Again?" asked Chandler but Ross just shrugged and hung his head.

"Yes, again. The last time he claimed he had papers to grade, but it turned out to be front row at the Final Four. Thank you Mr. Tribiani…"

Joey's smile faded and he sank back into his chair and Phoebe gave his hand a couple of pats.

"But you said you couldn't get tickets… that they were sold out." Said Chandler as he glared at Joey….

"Ross was feeling low and he looked rather pathetic…" pleaded Joey.

"Well thanks a lot Joey" came back Ross.

Monica heard enough and continued, "Enough, already, Ross you are going with me tonight and that's final."

"HEY! Since Ross can't use that ticket… I'm free" chimed in Phoebe. "Hot women make me HOT…"

"ALRIGHT… Phoebes you're in…" smiled Joey "Maybe I'll get to live out my number one fantasy tonight… Hey Phoebe, how YOU doin…" And in reply, Phoebe just smiled and blushed a little.

As Ross watched the little exchange, his jealousy started to get the best of him. Here he was invited to go with his friends Joey and Chandler to a sporting event. Not just any event, but one which contained his three most favorite things in this drab little world of his: beer, women, and bikinis. And it just wasn't fair. And using his most pathetic whine he pointed to himself, then to his friends, and finally looked at Monica with pleading eyes and the whine increasing.

But Monica stood her ground. With hands on hips and feet spread wide, she looked at her brother and just said, "No, Ross, you are coming with me and that's final."

Knowing that it was pointless to even argue any further, Ross shifted into his whiny, pouting little boy mode hoping to make Monica feel guilty. "I never get to do anything. It's just not fair. They all get to have fun. Nobody cares about poor little Ross. He never gets to have any fun…" And as he neared the center of the orange couch, he was stopped by the pressure of a small hand which pushed in his chest to halt his movement. The next moment he felt a soft and gentle caress trace slowly and lovingly along the right side of his face. Slowly back and forth it traced causing slight and tingly shivers to run along his tight cheek, down his brawn and muscular pecs as tingles raced on ahead down ahead past his slim and tight stomach all the way to the tip of his twitching manhood…. And a soft voice with its soothing tone silenced him to full attention. Instantly he knew who had dared to disturb his game. Only one voice in this strange and chaotic world could distract him enough to cease all activity. It was none other than Rachel Greene. The only woman he had truly loved could truly love. Not with the lust-love of Joey Tribiani, or the animalistic type of love found in a Nora Bing novel. No, this was THE LOVE. The type of love which was the foundation of that unit known as the family. The love Ross always carried in his heart for Rachael. The love he knew that he would receive back from her if only he wasn't afraid to tell her; knew he couldn't tell her because of who he was. Hearing her voice brought him out of his revere…

"Oh my poor baby, Ross. Is Monica again being a big, bad mean sister?" And playing along with the game, gave a sad and pathetic whine and nod of his head. "And would my poor baby boy like mommy to make him feel all better…?" Again Ross whined and nodded yes. And with that Rachel leaned in and started to softly…gently…and very slowly kisses Ross on various spots on his face. Reaching his lips she opened her mouth so as to allow Ross to gently probe and caress her hot mouth with his tongue. And just as he was getting into a tongue tango with Rachel, he was rudely brought back to reality by the sound of Monica clearing her throat.

This little chance meeting did not go unnoticed, and if the saying 'if looks could kill' were true, Ross would have had at least a dozen daggers heading toward his head. For Gunther, manager and owner of Central Perk had the most disgusted, hateful, and dangerous look from behind the bar. It was a known fact that he had a very deep and heart enveloped crush on Rachel Greene. That was why on the day she had approached him for a job he gave it to her without following the set procedures. It was also the reason why even though he should have fired her a long time ago for her inaptitude as a waitress that he kept her on. On the flip side, it was also what fueled his hatred for one Ross Geller. For every time he saw them together it caused him a great and wrenching pain to his heart. Normally he was a very calm and collected individual and he was even cordial when Ross was by himself or with the others. But when he was with her, his Rachel then all manner of cordiality went out the door. All he wanted to do was make Ross suffer just like he was suffering. But he would keep it in check. Not because he feared jail or worse, but because of her, his Rachel. He knew if he struck out at Ross it would hurt Rachel dearly and that he could not live with. But deep down he knew that Ross would sooner or later get his and in that knowledge found some comfort. Walking around the bar, he approached Rachel, tapped her shoulder and said, "Uh, Rachel, either get a room or get back to work. The customer in the corner has been waving a cup for the past few minutes. So if you would kindly disengage from your grinding dance and help them, then we can all make some money." And then gave a glaring glance at Ross.

"Oh I'm sorry Gunther honey…" she sing sang sweetly as she grabbed his face in her hands and planted a quick kiss to his forehead. "I promise it won't happen again…"

Recovering from his blush, he coughed and continued, "Uh…well… see that it doesn't. And with that he turned and went back to the bar with a slight smile on his face.

As Ross turned toward Monica while pulling on his coat, Monica's phone started ringing.

"Hello, Monica Geller…" And as she listened her face took on an air of concentration, "Yes…uh huh…. Yes…uh huh… when…uh huh…Now? Ok…" and as she snapped shut her cell her commanding stance returned. "Ross, that was mom and pop… we got to go NOW. Chandler, would you be a dear and give us a lift…"

"What's up, Monica?" asked Joey who suddenly became kind of interested. But before she could reply Chandler spoke up…

"OH… No no no… not tonight. No can do."

"Ooh ooh what's up you guys? Are your parents ok?" asked Phoebe seeing that Joey had been ignored.

"But you promised, dude… you told Monica whenever she needed a ride…" chimed in Ross who obviously ignored Phoebe and her questions.

"No… tonight is Joey's night with the three Bs. And what are they again Joey?" added Chandler in the hope of distracting the pair.

"Babes… Bikinis… and BEER!" he said excitedly with his boyish grin and the thumbs up sign. "But seriously guys, what's going on?"

"See…see?" Chandler cut in quickly cutting off Joey, "Now if you will excuse me, I must retire to the little boys room to freshen myself up before the main event" And with that he turned, did the Chandler skip and made a hasty retreat toward the restroom.

When Chandler was out of sight both Phoebe and Joey became silent as rage started to brew behind their quiet and shocked expressions. Never had they been treated as if they weren't even in the room. Joey would have loved to verbally explode on Ross and Monica for how they treated him, but a quick look from Phoebe made him hold his tongue. So he just sat back and stewed in his anger. Meanwhile, Phoebe hoped that she had not pushed Joey too far. She had witnessed many of times what happened to those who dared rouse his anger. But she too was more than a little miffed. She was downright furious. If protocol didn't demand that she keep up the ruse, she would have jumped Ross, Monica, and Chandler and slowly and very painfully pluck out every bit of hair on their heads. Or better yet, she would have ordered Gunther to have his way with Ross. A not so pretty sight as Gunther was a master with the knife and loved to cut his "meat" slowly and methodically. She remembered well the screams of pain as Gunther interrogated their captives while slowly cutting them to pieces. And even though she had grown accustomed to many a vulgar act, it still gave her nightmares. How Joey ever kept him in line she could but only guess. But Gunther did his work extremely well.

Ross pulled Monica away from the others, and lowering his tone, "You have to do it Mon"

"But Ross, it's Chandler." Came back Monica more quietly but with a tone of urgency. "And besides…"

"Besides Nothing. This is more important than his pride. And you of all people should know that when Mom and Pop calls then all feelings must be put aside for the good of all. Remember as Fraud once said…"

"All Right…all right I'll do it. Enough with the philosophical mumbo jumbo already…" And with that dialed the secret code.

Anxiously Ross surveyed his surroundings and noticed that his friends seemed to have forgotten Monica and him. Gunther was again serving coffee behind the counter. Good old Gunther, if only he could be more like him… content doing a no-nothing job… not a care in the world. If only Gunther knew… Had Ross turned around he would have seen someone HAD noticed. A lone head framed in hair as red as a rose watched him intently from the corner booth… and in a minute the hair on the back of Ross's neck started to tingle… Ross raised his finger to his right temple and said, "Ahhah… I sense danger. It's my Unaghi…" And as he started to turn slowly around he was started by a familiar cry…

"Why me God… why do you hate me so…" and a second later a rather wet and annoyed Chandler emerged from the bathroom. Seeing the people staring at him and the gang snickering at him, he shot back "What are YOU people staring at? Haven't you ever seen a man be attacked by faulty plumbing before."

Joey took his iced tea, poured it on his crotch and rising said, "I'm Chandler… could I BE any more dorky. Bleh…bleh…bleh…" And saying that started the Chandler Victory Dance…

Chandler opened his mouth once, closed it, and stormed toward the door. Passing Monica he gave her such a fierce look that in shame all she could do was silently bowed her head hoping that he did not see the tear which rolled along her nose and down her cheek. Storming past Ross, he shot at him "Ross, your sister has a very SICK and twisted mind". And out the door he went.

Turning away from the door, Ross turned to his sister, "C'mon Mon, we have to go now…" And out the door he went.

After a second more, Monica turned on Joey, "Tribiani… WHY do you always have to be a jackass…" and wiping away a tear was right behind Ross.

Watching her leave, Joey stopped his dancing as the stupid impish smile left his face and in its place was a raging seething anger so deep that he again lapsed into his thoughts, "Go ahead and laugh you blundering baboon. You are nothing but a worthless Paleontologist. Your day is coming Geller. Both you and that momma's boy Chandler. When I take this city…"

He would have gone on for awhile more if his thought were not interrupted by his faithful henchman, "Can I kill him now Boss. Huh, huh? Can I cut Ross into pieces and make a latte out of him…" asked Gunther in child-like glee.

In answer, Joey reached out and took Gunther's face in his hands. But just before touching him, small needles shot out of the palms of the special gloves he had put on injecting them just below the skin of Gunther's cheeks. And then starting softly and rising slowly until reaching a madman roar, "Gunther, Gunther… Don't … ever… EVER… call… ME… BOSS… in… PUBLIC… AGAIN"! And to accent each word he zapped a bolt of electricity from one set of needles through Gunther's face to the other set of needles. By the time Joey reached the end of his sentence, not only was he a few inches off the floor but the sound of Gunther's screams pierced Phoebe's heart so much that she just had to intervene lest Gunther's death haunt her the rest of her life. Grabbing Joey's hands and pulling them off Gunther's face she shot at Joey:

"End, let him go or I will KICK YOUR ASS…!" Once released Gunther just lay there whimpering like a little boy. As Joey turned toward her with such rage flashing in his eyes she feared that she had gone too far and awaited the death she knew was not too far away. But instead, his eyes softened, and he asked her:

"Et tu Book? Why… WHY?"

"Because you were getting too loud. You were going to blow our plans… all the hard work we had done over the past two years. I could not and will not allow you to destroy that which we had gained… and for what? Your stupid ego?"

And with that said, Joey's eyes again became hard and he turned to go. But before he got too far, Phoebe called out:

"Joey wait…"

"Why… why should I listen to any more of your prattle. All you care about is yourself…"

"That is so not true. And you know it. I do care. I do… it's just…"

"What… just what?" said Joey as he turned back towards her.

"Oh why should you care…" said Phoebe as she turned away from him so as not to show her tears.

"Phoebes… what is it? Face me, please…" he said starting to calm down and realizing something was wrong.

"Don't you know? Haven't you seen the signs? Joey Francis Tribiani... I LOVE YOU." And saying thus Phoebe bowed her head as the tears started to flow.

Joey was stunned. Never had he felt so stupid. Taking her hands in his he softly asked, "When did this happen?" His heart seemed to be melting….

"Do you remember the night when you had broken up with Ursala?"

"That was a week after your birthday. Yes, I remember. I was going insane because she never returned any of my calls. I was totally drained. I was just going out of my mind… wait a minute… was that YOU?" And looking into her teary eyes he got his answer. "When did this start?"

"Do you remember my 31st birthday? How you came outside and kissed me? It was there, Joey. There that I realized what had been missing in my life. It was after that kiss when I knew I fell in love with you and to this day love you…"

"Why didn't you ever tell me? And yet… OH MY GOD… Phoebe… and when I fell for Ursala…"

"I thought my heart was destroyed that day… especially when you celebrated my birthday with her. How I looked around and saw all my friends, except for one. THE ONE… the one I hoped against hope would one day realize… and then to learn that you betrayed me, Joey… with my sister… the one person in this whole world I truly hate, but must love because we're blood relative… it… just… well, tore me apart…" and knowing she couldn't go on, Phoebes just bowed her head as the tears flowed.

"I am such a dork… Phoebe… Madame Book… look at me please…" And when her eyes were raised and he could see through the tears. "Phoebe… oh my beautiful love…" And wiping her eyes continued, "How could I have been so stupid…" And pulling her into his strong arms, "I love you Phoebes… my most priceless gem. Please forgive me. Let me take you home. Cleanse your aura… and Phoebes…"

"Yes?"

"How YOU doin…" and pulling her close he opened his mouth in anticipation. Just waiting for her soft lips to touch his more dry ones. Waiting to feel her hot tongue as it danced with his in passion's deep and dark need. How he wanted her…needed her. Needed to feel her naked flesh against his own… and he was not disappointed. Her kiss was hot…full of an animalistic hunger…a yearning of pent-up frustration that seemed to melt away. And again her tears flowed.

Meanwhile, hoping to sneak away unnoticed, Gunther tried to crawl away to safety, but only making it a short distance, he froze as he heard her voice, "And you… Gunther… little man…"

And he felt a pair of strong hands lift him up to stare into … the face of … Madame Book. "If you ever… ever make another stupid mistake like that again, I will hunt you down and kick YOUR ass…" That was the last thing he remembered hearing before feeling himself being thrown across the counter and hitting the wall he blacked out.

Joey meanwhile watching the whole scenario play out gave Phoebe the thumbs-up sign and said "NIICCE One Phoebe" And going over to Phoebe he lifted her up into his arms as a groom would his bride on the wedding night, he started to softly kiss her tear-stained eyes as he carried her out the door.

Had they not been so enthralled in their chat, Madame Book and Doctor End would have noticed that they were watched the whole time. For sitting in the booth was the lady who received coffee from Rachael earlier that evening pretending to read the paper. As she watched them leave, she opened her Gucci bag and pulled out her gold-plated cell. Tapping the numbers she knew so well, she waited for the phone to connect.

"Hi… yea it's me." She said as she twirled her long red hair. "You were right, you big tree…" she smiled as she said his pet name. The pet name which was given him by one who was jealous of him. If Chandler only knew… how his hatred of one would be his undoing in the end… "What? Yea… Joey and Phoebe are Madame Book and Doctor End. The idiots confirmed it tonight. No… I don't believe they even realized I was still here… the ruse is working according to plan… No, forget the boys… I am starting to formulate a plan. A master plan. I have a hunch about who Captain Wuss and Boy Blunder are, but I need to test my theory. Ah baby… don't be jealous, I have the fool eating right out of my hand… No, stay put for now. Trust me… yea, I love you too. Bye." Putting away the cell, she again grabbed her cup and finished her coffee.

Yes, she thought, the plan is coming together nicely. Soon the Book Ends would be out of the way, and if she played her cards right so would the meddling goody twosomes… and New York would be hers… and with that thought a gleam came to her green eyes.