DISCLAIMER: Genius though that I am, Dark Angel still isn't mine.

A/N: Well, here's why Jade's shirt was at Alec's. Has anyone thought it hard to write from Max's perspective? I'm supposed to be a girl and understand what's going on in her head, but damn, she's a tough cookie to write for.

CHAPTER 9:

"The best love affairs are those we never had."

–Norman Lindsay-

Max slammed the door to her apartment shut and leaned on it, closing her eyes and finally letting the tears roll down her cheeks. She sank down to the ground and allowed herself the weakness of really crying. She cried—wracking, gut-wrenching sobs that shook her whole frame.

She didn't really know why she was crying. She just knew that there was this ache inside of her, filling her until it hurt so much it just needed to be released. She leaned her head against her door, tears still streaking her face. Was this what heartache felt like?

She wasn't sure if she was crying because of the relationship that she would never have with Logan, or for the one that she almost had with Alec.

She had loved Logan for so long, had always been sure that what they had was the real deal.

She smiled bitterly through her tears. How could a Manticore alumnus ever be sure if any emotion was the real deal?

What she knew for sure was that Logan had always made her feel accepted, like she wasn't just a flawed experiment. He had made her feel like she was meant to be a part of this world. He had made her feel normal. He had loved her even when she had been…well, a freak. How could she not have loved Logan for all that?

Every time she looked at Logan she saw a man that had made her believe that there were better things in the world if she cared. If she just cared enough. And he had taught her to care. He had taught her to feel.

But now, Logan was up on a pedestal, and all Max wanted was Alec in her arms.

New tears threatened to spill. She had Alec in her arms last night. But reality had to set in sometime, right?

She now knew that she loved Alec with a desperation that left her breathless. Everything that Logan had ever taught her about feelings and caring was completely blown away—boom!—by this blind emotion that she had no control over. It made every moment with Alec electrically charged.

Strange, but she had known that since she had met him two years ago, when he had walked into her cell in Manticore looking like Ben, but being completely Alec. She had suddenly come alive at that moment.

They had chemistry that was for sure. He irritated her. He riled her. He made her yell. He made her want to pull her hair out in frustration. He made her smile. He made her laugh. He made her want to punch the smug grin off of his face. He made her burn in passion. He made her cry out in ecstasy…he made her feel the entire spectrum of human emotion.

And he made her cry.

She felt open and vulnerable—stripped of all of her shields that she always put up to protect her heart.

Those shields had been erected stone by stone since she was a child at Manticore. But Alec had blown them all away with a kiss. When she had the cure, when she finally had the chance to be with Logan—she had only felt like she was losing Alec.

How many masks did she wear? So many, that she couldn't even tell which one was the real Max anymore. She had run to Logan, thinking that was the real Max. But that had only been one mask.

And now, she was putting on one more. Alec would never know how she felt. Never. Because this morning, with her shields all broken and her emotions all churned up, she had discovered the shattering truth that Alec could hurt her like no one else could.

It was really that fear that had her raging at him this morning. She had actually felt an almost physical stab of pain in her heart when she thought about being 'just some girl' to him. With Alec, she never wanted to be normal. She wanted to be special. Was that too much to ask from a guy?

She stood wearily and went to her bathroom. She stared at the tear-streaked face, the resolute set to her mouth, the stubborn tilt of her chin. The mask was firmly in place. He would never have to know how much power he really had over her.

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"Jealousy is all the fun you think they had."

–Erica Jong-

Alec was still drowning in his misery. He hadn't left his apartment all day, knowing that he wouldn't be useful in any of TC's operations when all he wanted to do was break things. The sun was already setting, and he still had no answers.

There was a knock on his door. He lifted his head hopefully, but all of his senses were telling him it wasn't the one person he wanted it to be. He opened the door and smiled blandly at her.

"Hey Alec," said Jade, her amber eyes smiling up at him. Then she frowned, taking in the disheveled appearance, the dullness in the green eyes, the stubble of a day's growth on his face. "What happened?" she asked quietly.

He smiled wryly. "Actually it's more like who happened,"

She raised a golden brow at him. "Max?" she asked.

Alec lifted his eyebrows and pursed his lips in assent.

"I'm sorry," she whispered quietly, laying a gentle hand on his chest. Alec was like a brother to her. She knew he thought of her as a sister, too. In fact, she wouldn't be surprised to find that they might actually have a couple of strands of DNA in common.

She had come to him one night, a complete wreck, with some guy problems of her own, specifically concerning a certain dark-haired, dark-eyed, X5-408, Quinn.

In exchange, Jade had coaxed a confession out of Alec's own lips about his own emotional baggage. X5-452, the dark-haired, dark-eyed, Max. Her lips quirked slightly.

"I'm glad you think this is all so amusing, Jade." he drawled sarcastically. He leaned his arm on the doorframe, by his head, laid the other hand on his hip and crossed his legs.

Jade just threw her golden blond head back and laughed. "Yeah, I actually do," she chuckled. "I think it's pathetic that we're both so hung up on two dark-haired, dark-eyed transgenics that are both intent on kicking our sorry asses to the curb."

Alec relaxed a little. Trust Jade to find the humor in this dark situation. Until he met Jade, he had never really understood Max's insistence that she felt 'brotherly' and 'sisterly' affections for her X5 escapees. He affectionately reached over and chucked her under the chin, just like a brother. Alec wasn't known for his "affectionate" moments, but Jade was an exception.

When he had met her, he had thought she was gorgeous—of course, Manticore made sure of that. She had hair the color of rich honey, cinnamon colored eyes that glowed amber when she was riled, and a ridiculous spray of freckles on her face. But strangely, he had felt more a kinship with her than an attraction. Thinking of her in that way had just fell wrong on so many levels that he had actually shuddered.

"So what happened with you and Quinn last night? Did you take my advice?" he asked, curious about how her little 'experiment' had gone.

She threw her arms around him in excitement. Alec almost stumbled back into his apartment; he had no choice but to hold her against him. Jade really was an uncontainable firecracker. She was the anti-thesis of what Manticore would have wanted her to be. Maybe this was her way of dealing with Manticore—to be very exuberant about showing her emotions. Except with Quinn, who apparently turned her into a mass of jell-o.

"It worked! You should have seen his face, Alec! You were right." she exclaimed.

Alec chuckled. The first ray of real sunshine finally hitting his day (after the sun had already set no less). "I'm always right." he said smugly.

She rolled her eyes at him. He smirked at her. "Come on in, and tell me all about his face."

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Max felt like an eighteen-wheeler had run over her heart.

She had been on her way to see Mole about some gunrunners trying to entice a deal with Terminal City's residents. That meant she had to pass by Alec's place on the way. She could have avoided this by calling Mole over to see her, but really, Alec shouldn't control her actions like that. But then, she had see Jade arrive at his door. Max knew that she should have turned around and walked away. But a masochistic side of her had sent her scurrying behind a column, spying on them.

She saw the tender way Alec looked at Jade. She saw his affectionate gesture. Alec was never tender or affectionate.

And it didn't help any that they looked great together. The golden couple. Max tried to look away from their laughing, relaxed faces, but she couldn't. She felt shattered. She couldn't breathe, some stupid lump in her throat was blocking her airway. Her heart was constricting. Her mind was in chaos. Her knees were going weak.

This was real pain—the kind that she had spent all 22 years of her life running away from.

And the sad thing was, she didn't know what the hell to do to deal with it. She could cry. Again. Maybe that would work—it would ease the constricting feeling in her chest. God, she hated that she was so weak when it came to him.

She saw Jade happily throw herself into Alec's arms. Saw Alec's face light up with genuine joy. She felt a sob break out of her. Even if she had promised herself to be stoic and self-composed about her 'relationship' with Alec—she had still thought that they had shared something special last night—something worth developing in time. But apparently, he already had that with someone else.

Disillusioned, hurt, betrayed, and trembling, Max turned around and left. The damned gunrunners could all go to hell.

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"So…because of my shirt, Max left you?"

"That about sums it up, I think."

Jade stalked up and down his apartment while Alec sat on a chair, amused, his eyes following her from one end of the room to the other.

She stopped in front of him, her hands on her hips. "It doesn't add up," she insisted. She looked to be in deep thought, then she smiled brilliantly at him, which Alec thought, was just wrong. He was supposed to be miserable, why was she smiling like that?

"I have a theory!" she exclaimed, her golden eyes sparking like gold underwater.

Alec eyed her warily. "What? That the world revolves around me? Sorry, but it's been proven to be true."

She rolled her eyes at him. "No, I mean, that no woman reacts with that much rage and hurt if they didn't feel anything…you know what I mean?"

He just shook his head. Confused.

She patted him on the shoulder, feigning a look of pity on her face. "You know, for someone who has an IQ of 187, you sure are slow."

"Just tell me already," he growled impatiently. Sisters. Why did they have to be so annoying?

"I think that Max is insanely jealous of me, which leads me to believe that she has feelings for you. From what I know about her, she doesn't just bang guys for fun." She looked pointedly at him, a reprimand in her eyes, obviously because he did 'bang' girls for fun…occasionally.

"So you're saying…" he trailed off, afraid to hope.

"Slow, so slow…" she teased. "I'm saying that she is in love with you."

Jade almost felt sorry for Alec at that moment. His expression went from disbelief to happiness to confusion to hope, and everything in between. "You really think so?"

"I know I'd go into a manic rage if I felt that Quinn had lied to me about being the 'only one'."

"Hey, I was telling her the truth!"

Jade crossed her arms over her chest and just shook her head. "It doesn't matter. She didn't know that. We women don't think like that. I see a pink shirt in a guy's apartment that isn't mine after he tells me that I've been the only one he's ever cared enough about to share his bed with…well, I'd probably tear his head off. Good thing Max is a little more cool-headed than I am."

"Cool-headed," Alec snorted. "She was like an ice cube when she found out."

"See? She cares about you."

"She sure has a funny way of showing it." Alec grumbled.

"I'm telling you, you should go over to her and just tell her how you feel…woo her with your gift of gab or something." suggested Jade. "In the meantime, I'm gonna go ahead to Phase 2 of our plan to get Quinn to notice me. See ya, Alec. And thanks for washing the stain you put on my shirt off."

He waved absent-mindedly at her, but he was already contemplating what Jade had just shared with him. Tell Max the truth? The idea was downright scary. Was he suicidal? Hell no!

But if what Jade had told him was the truth…then, he was potentially looking at something far greater than the pain he would feel if she told him to get lost.

Besides, Jade might have a point. He remembered the way Max had melted in his arms. She had wanted him—and that was as good a start as any. He could just seduce her if she resisted. He grinned at the thought. He wouldn't put it past himself to do just that.

Making up his mind, he decided to go find Max, a small smile on his lips.