DISCLAIMER: Don't own Dark Angel.

A/N: This is a really rough draft, but I appreciate everyone's input and I promise, I'm just trying to set things up. I'm really tired and sick, so y'all better appreciate this. LOL.

Chapter 11:

"Love must be as much a light as it is a flame."

–Henry David Thoreau-

Max checked on Logan and made sure that he was going to be fine. She was trembling. She had never seen such anger come from Alec before. It had been terrifying.

How could I love someone like him? she thought in anguish. They were too volatile a combination. If it hadn't been Alec blowing up, it would have been her, sooner or later.

Love like that couldn't be sustained. It was dark. It was dangerous. And it sent panic coursing through her to realize that even with this darker part of Alec, she had still been helplessly drawn to him.

She was disgusted more for herself than with Alec. What had she really expected from him? She had released something in him that not even Manticore could.

She could never be with Alec. They would have their moments of passion, but they would ultimately destroy each other with those same passions. What they had together was pure fire—but it didn't light up their lives in a way that love was supposed to.

What had Manticore done to us? They'd played God and made creatures that were neither animal nor human. Beings that didn't know how to understand their emotions. It was as if at the call of their baser feelings like pain, anger, jealousy, and passion, they lost all sense and just got swept away.

Manticore was right. Emotions, especially ones this strong, were a weakness. They were dangerous in the hearts of Transgenics. No wonder she had clung to the safety of her love for Logan. It was a different kind of love that didn't involve arousing any wildness from her.

Max curled into a corner in Logan's bedroom, crying. She was scared, afraid of the realization that she was just an animal after all.

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"Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less."

-Rabbi Julius Gordon-

Max and Alec avoided each other as much as possible in the next month. Luckily, after two years, Terminal City was a full-fledged Sector of the city of Seattle. Max was the City Council representative, the face of the Transgenic cause, but because of everybody's Manticore training and background, Terminal City ran like a well-oiled machine.

This meant that Max never had to interact with Alec except for the weekly Committee meetings. Alec was head of TC's largest and most important committee: Commerce and Reconstruction—a role he seemed to have been born for.

But their closest friends were noticing the signs of the strain between the two.

They had both seemingly lost interest in life. The spark of their personalities seemed to have been extinguished. They stared off into space often, and sighed out loud just as often. And when they accidentally touched each other, they sprang apart like they had been burned.

Nobody could understand why they were acting so strangely. It was obvious that they were in love with each other. Whenever Alec walked into a room, Max's eyes would be drawn to him unerringly. Whenever Alec heard Max's voice, his head would tilt slightly towards the sound. But they steadfastly refused to acknowledge each other.

Jade observed the two of them, but said nothing. Alec had literally tossed her ass out of his apartment a few weeks ago when she had tried to intervene. Max had just slammed the door shut in her face when she had tried to talk to her. She sighed heavily. Damn, this whole sighing thing was catching on. Something had to be done, but she was just as inexperienced as everyone else in Terminal City about dealing with intricate human emotions. What could she do?

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Max had never been so miserable in her life. It was an effort just to get up every morning knowing there was nothing but heart ache to greet her.

With everyday that passed, it became harder and harder just to stop herself from reaching out and wrapping her arms around Alec. She wanted to press her lips against his and tell him that everything was going to be all right. She desperately missed seeing the smirk on his face, missed the way he went out of his way just to annoy her, missed his sarcasm and wit. Alec had become a shell of who he used to be. It was like he was afraid to live—to be alive again. He was afraid of who he had become that fateful night.

Max wanted to tell him that it didn't matter anymore, that nothing mattered anymore except seeing him smile again. But that would be a lie. Because every time she closed her eyes, she still saw the hooded menace that had masked his handsome face that night.

She didn't know how to bridge the gap that had developed between them. If there was even any way two people could ever look at each other the same way again after trust had been ripped apart like that.

She finally decided that she needed someone to talk to. Pretending was already so hard.

She went to O.C.'s apartment. When she needed some sense knocked into her, Original Cindy's no-nonsense approach to life usually did the trick.

She walked into her former apartment unannounced, taking in the familiarity of the place. It still felt like home in a way. It lifted her sagging spirits a fraction.

"Hey! Anybody home?" she called out.

"Is that my Boo?" called a voice from the candle-lit bathroom.

Max sauntered over to stand by the door. "The one and only," she confirmed, smiling sadly.

"Well, don't just stand there! C'mon in, Sugah, I'm all decently covered in happy little bubbles."

Max walked in and sure enough, O.C. was happily lounging in the tub, covered in scented bubbles. Max wrinkled her nose pertly at the idea of a scented bath. "Girly stuff," she muttered.

"I know you didn't just bash your honey's taste in bathwater," berated O.C. with a mock look of challenge on her face. "A girl's gotta take care of her assets, Boo. Not everyone got perfect DNA like you."

Max smiled wistfully and sighed, "Maybe not so perfect,"

O.C. looked quizzically up at her Boo. There was something really tragic hanging in the air around her, and it was bringing the whole room down. She looked terrible. She had lost weight—and when someone was already a size 2, it was a drastic thing. She looked hollow, too, like she had lost the essence that had made her Max. "What's wrong, Boo? You look like the cat that ate the damned canary and choked on it."

"Thanks, that's real comforting, Cin," said Max, sarcastically. She sprayed O.C. with water from the tub. It was the first time she had been playful and sarcastic in a month.

"Hey, watch the hair! But seriously, what's buggin'?"

"Alec." Max sighed emphatically.

"What about him?"

"Only that I think I actually love him." confessed Max in a small voice. "I mean, I love him…like…love him."

O.C., who had been busy shaving her leg at that point, dropped the razor, her eyes widening in shocked amusement. "Well. There's something to make a girl drop everything and stare," she commented wryly.

Max just sighed. OC felt around in the water for her razor, still a little surprised by the speed of the development. Or actually, she wasn't surprised. More like mildly astonished. She had always known Max felt something for Alec, but hadn't expected Max to really articulate into words. "So, what about Logan?" she ventured tentatively.

"I already talked to him, cut him loose and all," mumbled Max. "I still love him…but not in the same way."

"And in what way would that be?"

Max smiled helplessly at her friend. "You know that hot monkey sex I was supposed to be having with Logan when I found the cure?"

"Mm-hmm."

"I had it with Alec."

O.C. dropped her razor again. "Damn, Boo, you work fast. Either that, or Alec is easy."

Max actually chuckled, a sound that seemed foreign to her now. This was what O.C. was good for. "Actually, I was easy. Couple of hot kisses, and I couldn't think straight." Max groaned just remembering last night with Alec. "O.C., it was all there. Everything you ever read about. Fireworks. Weak in the knees. The whole shebang."

O.C. looked at her Boo thoughtfully. She'd never heard Max be so girly before. It was actually a good thing. But why was she looking so miserable? "So, if is all good…what's the problem?"

"We've lost it. It's gone. He went all primal and almost killed Logan when he saw us together."

Original Cindy blinked rapidly like she couldn't understand the concept. "What!"

"It happened a month ago, I'm sorry I didn't tell you, it's just that…I thought I could handle this by myself…that things would just be all right," sighed Max. She sat on the floor, a good splashing-distance away. She hugged her knees to herself. Tears started to slide down her cheek. "But everything's just so messed up now. I don't know what to do. I can't look at him the same way…but I still love him so much."

O.C. looked at Max with her piercing dark eyes. "What do you want to do, Boo?"

"I want to erase that memory…"

"That ain't never gonna happen." said O.C. softly, stopping Max from going down a fool's alleyway. "Now, tell me honestly, what do you want to do about everything now?"

Max looked helplessly at her best friend. She was so torn. She could never forgive Alec for what he had done. But at the same time, not being with him was tearing her apart. She just shook her head, because there were no words to explain what was in her heart. "I'm almost sorry that I ever discovered my feelings for him."

O.C. looked at her Boo, a strange look in her eyes. "Boo, never say sorry for havin' feelings. Sometimes, they hurt like the bitch, but it's only human. You only human. Is all good."

"I'm not even really human, O.C." Max's voice trembled. They were coming to the heart of the matter. This was all about being unable to trust herself to love. Being unable to trust Alec.

God, the things they could do to hurt each other.

"You human in all the ways that matter, Boo," Original Cindy murmured comfortingly. She pulled a towel and wrapped it around herself as she got out of the tub. She went over to her friend, and sat by her. She had never seen Max so…broken. It wasn't right.

Max's lips trembled at a memory. She looked at O.C., her tear-stained face tense and pale. "I'm poison," she murmured. "I hurt everyone I love. I destroy people's lives. I kill people. Tinga…Ben…even Brin. Even loving me is poison. Look at Zack…he died for me. Look at Logan and the virus…and Alec, I've destroyed him, too."

Original Cindy wrapped her arms around her trembling friend. "Boo, none o'that is your fault,"

Max just leaned into O.C., letting the tears roll down her face. She wished she could believe her friend. But maybe Renfro had been right all along. Maybe she was meant to be alone. Maybe she was only good for hurting people.

"Boo, I want you to listen to me," whispered Original Cindy. "My life ain't been nothin' but good since I met you. The lives of the people in Terminal City are better 'cuz of you. Zack chose to die for you, you didn't kill him. The virus bitch is gone and Logan's aiight. And Alec…" she turned Max's face so she was looking directly at her best friend's face. "Alec just loves you very much. Don't blame yourself for him for loving you. It ain't a bad thing."

Max gave O.C. a wobbly smile and a tiny nod.

"Now tell me, what'chu wanna do now?"

There was a flicker of hope in Max's eyes. "I want to be with Alec."

Original Cindy smiled widely. "Then what're you waitin' for, go get your boy!"

Max stood up and smiled slightly at her friend. "Aiight. I'mma head over and set the record straight." Then just before she left, she looked over he shoulder and grinned—the old Max slowly resurfacing. "By the way, you lookin' a lot like Rip Van Wrinkle."

O.C. pursed her lips in amusement. "You just jealous that my water smells like lilacs."

Max chuckled softly.

"Max, everything's gonna turn out right."

"I hope so."

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"Love has little to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give—which is everything."

–Katharine Hepburn-

Alec was sitting in front of his TV, looking at the blur of colors, but not really seeing anything. He sat like this almost every night, unable to sleep. It had been a month since that episode with Logan—but he still had nightmares about it. He had almost killed an innocent man. He had never felt so helpless as that moment when he had lost all control.

And then there was the look that Max had given him. What is wrong with you? The accusing tone in her voice when she had uttered those words still echoed in his head.

Alec looked around in his apartment. It was a mess. He was normally so fastidious about order—something from his Manticore days that he had decided was worth holding on to. But that night he had come back from Logan's, he had destroyed his apartment in an effort to expend the rage and pain that had built up inside of him. He still didn't have the heart or energy to ever put things back to rights.

He dropped his head into his hands, feeling the hot tears that seeped in between his fingers. Suddenly, his body was wracked in heart-breaking sobs. He had never cried like this before. But he was so tired. Tired of seeing Max and knowing that he would never be with her. Tired of pretending: No, I'm not always all right.

He just couldn't do it anymore.

Everyday, he saw her grow thinner, sadder, a ghost of who she used to be. I did that, he thought miserably. I destroyed the one person I loved more than anything.

He knew that just by being around, he was making things worse for her. And despite everything, he still loved her. Had always loved her, and because of his rotten luck, would probably always love her.

So, he would do one thing right. He would give up everything for her. He would give her everything that he could give—even if everything meant that she wanted nothing more to do with him.

He stood up and started to pack a few things into a backpack. He looked around at his apartment, at the things strewn all over the place. Funny, how in two years outside of Manticore he had accumulated so much…stuff. He had three pairs of sunglasses, too many clothes, gadgets like high powered binoculars he didn't need anyway, books (although he preferred not to let anyone know he actually liked reading), and even trinkets. He smiled sadly to himself. He never would have pegged himself as a souvenir kind of guy. But there were pieces of his life from the last two years. A matchbox from the Blowfish Tavern, a book on The Art of War that he had swiped from Logan's, a cube of blue pool chalk he had slipped into his pocket from Crash, a couple of tokens from some arcade that he sometimes took a couple of the X6 adolescents for some down time, his Jam Pony sector pass, a paintbrush of Joshua's that he had accidentally taken with him…trinkets. Strangely enough, Seattle—Terminal City—had really become his home.

But he couldn't—wouldn't—stay. Staying meant hurting Max. He would give her the peace that she deserved. He would give up his home, his dreams, his purpose, everything for her.

With only a couple of changes of clothing, his toothbrush, and his favorite pair of sunglasses, Alec took one final look at his apartment and was hit with a sentimentality he didn't think he possessed. He went back inside and took out pen and paper.

A few minutes later, the door clicked shut.

Time and distance would be his friends. Maybe with them, the ghost of Max would finally stop haunting him.