Trauma
Story by-Summer
Song by-Ayumi Hamasaki
He always held it all in. The guilt, the pain, the nightmares, they all ate away at his heart. All those memories of blood caused by his own sword are at the very core of his soul. The ghosts of his past would never let the Battousi go unpunished. They would haunt his dreams, his memories, until Kenshin faded into the darkness of death, that eternal sleep. Then, just maybe his soul would find happiness.
When I first met him, I knew there was more to that smile he often did to cover his true feelings. I truly loathed that smile because of the fact it wasn't true. Kenshin would never be truly happy until his soul would rest...
Before his soul could rest he had to live in the world carved by his own sword, this new era of happiness, where every one was equal, and most import, there was no blood, just happy people in a peaceful world.
That night I saw Kenshin and blamed him for ruining my dojo, I felt something different about him than I did to most people. He was sincere in his actions, his face, a mask with a painted smile that hid such sadness. That mask that was his face hid so much about my Kenshin, about his past. He never confided in me until he had stayed there at my dojo for at least a year and a half.
It was sunset when he told me about it all. He explained Jinchu and what it meant. He explained to me every thing about his past.
"I had a wife, my first love, Tomoe," He said holding the small teacup with a small sakura branch painted on it.
My heart shattered. There was some one before me. I looked up when he choked back a sob.
"I killed her with my own sword..."
My vision blurred as I stood and ran. I ran to nowhere and to somewhere. I just wanted to get away and try to wake myself from this horrid dream. I stopped at the river, falling on to my knees, palms planted on the ground. My whole body shook because of my tears. I'd thought I was starting to get though to Kenshin. I thought wrong. He was farther from me than ever.
I went to the dojo that night and never said a word to Kenshin. We both stayed in our rooms. I remember falling asleep while I was sitting at the wall, just sobbing. Why did I cry? I didn't have too. I didn't want to, but I did.
Today's happy face, today's sad face.
Yesterday's weak self, tomorrow's strong self.
If it's you, who are you showing it to?
If it's me, who should I show it to?
Time is sometimes a cruel thing,
but the present is made by that cruelty.
I had been awoken by the brightness of the sun flooded though the window. My hand went to my face, and I felt the dry tears from last night. I was still in my kimono, as I'd not bothered to change. I went to the mirror and tried to make myself look somewhat presentable. Adjusting my obi a bit and brushing my hair was all I could do. My eyes were blood shot, my nose running, and my cheeks still puffy. I slowly went out of my room and I walked quietly to the kitchen. There was a plate with some rice and a note. I read it:
"'After you eat, meat me on the porch.'" It was in Kenshin's writing. Quickly I ate and went back to my room and opened the shoji that led to the porch. I looked to the left and saw my broom leaning against the white washed walls. The wind blew silently and made the wind chimes sound. Kenshin sat on the edge of porch, his sakabouto at his side, foot dangling over the edge, and lavender eyes staring at nothing. Instead, they were covered by a haze of thoughts. I put my hand on his shoulder. He turned and smiled at me. I gave a weak smile and sat when he patted the spot beside him. I looked at the ground as I tucked my legs underneath of me, folding my hands in my lap.
Kenshin looked up and moved one of his arms slightly.
"Yesterday this one told you every thing," He said, going on when I looked up, "This one is sorry he hurt you. This one never meant too. This one thought you should've known. This one thought that it would be only fair to you."
His big lavender eyes peered into my eyes. He searched my soul and I searched his. I saw the sadness behind those brilliant eyes. I saw pain and guilt.
"I can only thank you then." That was my reply. He nodded and looked back to the sky.
I then stood and went to the shoji I'd left open. I put my hand on it and spoke.
"Kenshin?" I asked.
He turned his head, trying to find a smile.
"Yes Miss Kaoru," He said in a gentle voice. I twitched at the way he said my name. I hate being called 'Miss Kaoru.' Why? The honest truth was it made me feel …old.
"Please don't smile like that," I whispered and looked down.
Kenshin sighed, his smile faded, and his bright eyes darkened a bit.
"It hurts me when you smile like that. You hide my Kenshin, the Kenshin I fell head over heels for." My face flushed at my own words.
Kenshin looked up at me as I continued.
"I hate searching for you. I keep searching behind that mask to find something more than I should be asking for," I paused when he spoke.
"What are you searching for?" He asked. My face must've flushed even more because I felt my cheeks heated up. I turned my gaze away from him.
"I'm searching for your love. All I keep finding is pain and so much guilt in your eyes, Kenshin. Then yesterday, I just came to a realization that I could never have you. You still love Tomoe. You've never been farther away from me." I replied his question.
I felt him gaze up at me from where he was sitting. My hand slipped off the shoji, my eyes already starting to tear.
Unceasingly searching for someone,
an instant of release soon triumphs
over the visiting fear.
As I don't even notice the flowers shaking before my feet,
I can't even look at myself in the mirror.
Kenshin then stood and lightly cupped my face in his calloused hands. I did the same and traced the scar on his cheek. We stood there, waiting for eternity to hold time still. He choked back a sob, and I did the same.
"Miss Kaoru," I twitched.
"Please not Miss Kaoru. Stop saying that. You know it makes me feel… old." I felt my heart speed up.
"Kaoru," He corrected himself, going on, "I do love you."
"Then show me," I breathed.
He shook his head, "It's not that easy."
I took my face out of his hands and put both of mine to my heart. Tears fell freely from my eyes, my body shaking as it did last night. I fell to my knees, not finding the means to stand any longer.
"Kenshin it's not that hard!" I heard myself yell. I looked up exposing him to my face. He stood there stunned. "It's not hard..."
Kenshin bent down in front of me and cupped my face yet again. Both of his hands were wiping my tears away. I fell into his arms. My head rested on his chest. I felt his embrace tighten around me as if he were clutching the very last lifeline he had. He cried with me. All the pain came out of him. He confessed every sin and asked for forgiveness. I even heard the muttered words about Tomoe.
"Tomoe..." He whispered.
I pulled back, watching him. He was peering at something behind me. I looked in that direction and gasped.
Today's happy face, today's sad face.
Yesterday's healed wounds
and today's deeply opened wounds.
If it's you, who are you showing it to?
If it's me, who should I show it to?
Mother always said ghosts weren't real. She said that they were made up by the ancestors to keep their children from being naughty. I'd always believed her. I always thought she was right. Ghosts were just pretend. Father thought different though. He said if I ever saw one, I should try to speak to it. He said it showed up because it wanted to give or get help. He also claimed he saw one. I remember being a child and sitting by the lantern and watching the little flame in it dance. My father moved his hands as he told the story.
"Then, I tried to touch its hand, but I could not,"
"How?" I asked.
"It's light. You can't touch light you can only see it," He replied.
I gazed at him amazed. My ten year old eyes lit up when he went on with the story.
"That ghost told me that I would have a baby, and she would one day run this dojo when she was all grown up. He said she would have a family of her own and be happy with a good man." His almond eyes shined when he looked at me.
"So it's me?" I asked with such curiosity.
"Yes," My father said.
The ghost was right. I ran this dojo. I had a family. Not the average family, but nonetheless a family. I had Kenshin in my heart.
I gasped when I saw what a woman with a white kimono with a purple scarf draped in her arms. Her skin was pale. I reached out to touch her, but could not. The odd woman watched me as I stared at her and at my hand. She then smiled at my realization. Kenshin scrambled to his feet and walk to her. He tried to reach for her hand, but it went right through hers. It's light. You can't touch light you can only see it. My father's words echoed in my head.
"It's been an eternity to me. Ten years changes one so much." The woman said. She floated over and sat on the edge of the veranda. Her voice was as soft as silk. Her movements were graceful and she moved her arms. She was only light but had so many characteristics about her. Her cheeks were hollow, her face adorned with perfect cheekbones, a small nose, and two almond shaped eyes that were blacker than coal.
Kenshin merely stood gawking at her.
"Who are you?" I timidly asked.
"I think you know," She replied. I knew. It was Tomoe. That's why Kenshin looked at her as he did. It was his only love, the woman of whom I could never replace.
"Tomoe..."Kenshin whispered.
"My love, you must move on." She looked at him softly. His arms were limp at his sides. His eyes were blank, soulless orbs of lavender. "You must be happy. And you," She looked at me," You must take care of him."
I nodded, "I will." She smiled and then floated over to Kenshin. He looked up, his face pale as snow, a color I'd never seen it.
"You're very lucky to have her."
With that she faded into the light of the afternoon sun.
"Kenshin," He dropped to his knees.
"Kaoru, this one is so sorry. The ghosts of my pasts will never disappear. Even Tomoe will never flea into the next world without watching me in my own prison. I've been so blind. This one is so blind because he never realized how much he is loved. For that this one is unworthy of your love," Kenshin said.
I sat in front of him and looked right into his eyes," Kenshin you're more than worth of my love. You're more worthy than I am of your love and kindness. Kenshin if you would've never traveled in my life I would be all alone. I wouldn't have you, Sano, Yahiko, or Megumi in my life. I would've been alone. I would've killed myself from the pain of having no one. Kenshin you saved me from that."
Kenshin looked at me. His eyes were half-lidded, cheeks flushed. Our faces neared and then our lips touched. He held me tight against his body. Our kiss grew more passionate, but I broke it before he had done more. I was breathing hard, my cheeks burning. My head was dizzy and sweat formed on my brow.
"Kaoru you saved me from my own insanity," He breathed and then kissed me again and again.
The sanity and insanity that I was given and are mine only,
Both exist together without negating the other.
Futile things, spilled things, and useless things...
I'll choose with confidence, so I am of myself.
Because I have always defined happiness with my own standards.
The day after we both lay in the futon. Our arms, legs, and bare bodies were tangled in the mess of blankets. I'd opened my eyes to see Kenshin looking at me.
I smiled and he smiled back, this time with a true, happy smile. That's all I ever wanted.
I don't really recall what happened after that day. I knew I could never make Kenshin fully happy, but I did get some kind of happiness out of him. That mask on his face still lingered from that day after, but in the secrets of our hearts and when we were there in the dojo on the futon, we both knew that we were both happy. We were both happy to have each other.
In the darkness of Kenshin's heart, his old wounds linger. The ghosts of his past still come and go. He still has nightmares, but now I'm here to give him comfort...
... That's what I'll do.
Today's happy face, today's sad face.
Even if yesterday's healed wounds have opened today,
If it's you, who can you show it to?
If it's me, I want to show it to that person
I took a really long time to edit it. I hope I did a good job on that part. The song was so pretty. My pen pal actually told me about Ayumi Hamasaki. She's a big pop singer in Japan. She told me her favorite song was Trauma, so I searched the net for the English lyrics and I found these. I thought up this story as soon as I saw them. Please review!
Disclaimer-I don't own Rurouni Kenshin or the song.
Thanks for reading!