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Ch 11

A few hours later John awoke to feel Natalie unbuttoning his buttons on his shirt, he laid frozen with his eye's shut enjoying the feeling of her hands on him, her fingers gliding in and out undoing his buttons and grazing his naked chest underneath. He was to caught up in enjoyment to question, question why she was doing this, then after all the buttons were undone he felt her lips, they were on his chest, she was kissing his chest and starting to move her hand down his body making her way towards his pants.

John realized that although he was enjoying this he couldn't let it go on any further, she probably didn't even know what she was doing. He took his hand gently and grabbed her hand before it got to the evidence of how much he was enjoying this.

Natalie felt him grab her hand and she stopped all her actions, she looked up at him and his eyes were open and he was looking back at her.

"Natalie, we.. can't"

"Why Not?" she asked softly

"Because you're confused, you've just been thru so much" he told her as he let her hand drop, she still continued to look up at him.

"Am I confused when I know how much you care for me, how about when I know how much I care about you" she said and then she paused, she looked into his eye's and saw them get glassy.

"I know it's true, some how with everything that I can't remember, that's lost to me right now, you're not, the feelings I had then, that I still have now, they're still here, I haven't lost them" She told John and she saw him close his eyes briefly as if he couldn't believe what she was saying.

"I know you haven't lost them either" she tells him softly and starts to slowly bring her body up on his to meet his face with hers.

"Natalie" John said softly as he felt her body moving slowly up his, he opened his eye's to see her face mere inches from his, as she lay on top of his body.

"No, John, I'm not confused, not when I want you to make love to me"

Natalie leaned in slightly and John made his decision, the decision he should have made years ago, not to run, not to turn her away. John brought his hand to the back of her head then he pulled her lips into his closer and claimed them. They made love for hours, each time it feeling more and more right than the last.

They laid awake holding each other, she had her head on his chest again with her body draped over the side of his, as she ran circles with her fingers on his chest, he held her for dear life, running his hand up and down her arm. In silence they stayed this way till finally Natalie spoke softly.

"Why did you leave?"

"What?"

"Three years ago, .. I mean I guess more like four, why? Why did you leave me? It's obvious it wasn't because you didn't love me, that we didn't love each other, so why did you?"

"It was complicated, I... I was broken, I need to be fixed, you tried to help but I.. I didn't want to lose you, for you to get hurt so I left and did it on my own, well.. I tried anyways."

"But you did lose me didn't you, you did hurt me by leaving and not coming back, didn't you?"

"Yeah" John shook his head and said softly.

"And you didn't fix yourself?"

"No, I failed, I thought if I found my Fathers killer, I would fix myself and I could come back to you whole, giving you things you deserved, say things you deserved to hear, but I failed, I failed him, I failed you, and I failed in Life"

"You think you failed cause you didn't find your dads killer? That's ridiculous" she told him softly but pointed

"What?" John asked sitting up causing her to sit too.

"You heard me, that's ridiculous, you tried didn't you? Then you shouldn't let it make you feel like a failure, I mean, do you honestly thing your dad would think you failed him, maybe for something else but not for trying to catch the man that killed him. And as for failing me, you s--"

"What do you mean something else?"

"Well... well since we're talking honestly, I've...I've heard a few things, things about you that I don't remember, that you've let your fathers death, his murder dictate your life, do you think he'd be proud of that, I mean..., you aren't married, as far as I know you have no thoughts of ever being, you have Aiden by mistake, you're alone working and that's all you got, do you think that was the kind of life he wanted for you, do ya think he worked so hard in life so you could grow up and have next to nothing,

"Oh, you failed him alright, but not by not finding his killer or killers but by not being able to have a happy life." Natalie told him as she saw his face change, he almost looked mad for a minute but then, it relaxed, he relaxed again, he laid himself back down on the bed, pulling her with him. After a few minutes Natalie felt it was alright to speak again.

"Why aren't you mad at me? I mean... for keeping your son a secret."

"I could never be mad at you, not for long, I love you too much, I've always loved you, I just...Just was n--"

"Never able to tell me" Natalie said finishing his sentence, he looked down at her on his chest, their eyes met.

"Yeah" he says softly as he pulls her tighter to his body, Natalie shakes her head and closes her eyes for a moment

"What's wrong?" John asks confused by the look on her face as her eyes are still closed.

"Nothing, I ... I just remembered something"

"What?" he asks as they sit up again

"Me telling you I Love you, you not saying it back but... but we made love and you showed me, you showed me over and over." she said as a small smile formed on her face, she leaned into his forehead and touched it with hers, she took a deep breath.

"I Love you John, I may not remember everything, but I know I do"