Chapter Twelve: Let's Start Again
Shinobu and Takane stared at each other, awkwardly.
"Umm… you want to sleep with me?" Takane asked in disbelief, a shocked expression on his face.
"Well, yeah," Shinobu said, faltering a little over his reaction. So why would he act so shocked…Oh! She blushed suddenly realizing how she phrased it. He thought I meant that!? AUUUU! What was I thinking when I said it that way?
She sat down next to him, badly flustered. "Erm, I… uh, think I expressed myself badly," she said waving her hands frantically. "What I meant was, I did something to get Naru mad at me. I think she needs a day to cool down, and I needed a place to stay and well, erm… we are dating, so it isn't so bad to ask, is it?" She added the last to half convince herself in case they should end up… she colored again as she rapidly cut off that thought.
"Oh, you mean you need to stay at my place tonight?" Takane asked, sweatdropping. There was some relief in his tone mixed in with the surprise. But there was some apprehension too. He'd been sandbagged by the question. Before she showed up, he had simply been thinking of how to make the next date special for her. This was a bit more special than he had planned on. He took a breath. "Well, it's true we are a couple," Takane replied hesitantly. "But…"
"But?" The tone was a bit more shrill than she intended. Realizing that he could think of her in that way was not unwelcome, and realizing that her friends at school thought she was strange because she was still a virgin left her feeling insecure. Am I so unattractive? While she knew she wasn't ready for what might happen between them if she stayed over at his place, it wasn't a wholly unwelcome thought either. Some nights after she turned the lights off, she wished he could be with her and… something.
Something… And Naru had been right that terrible evening when she told Shinobu that she didn't understand marriage and couldn't imagine more than "going a little further." It was true. Yes, she understood the biology of the act, but couldn't quite envision it being done to her. So it remained something mysterious, dangerous… and yet alluring. "I just don't understand why you're recoiling from me like I'm hideous!"
Takane sighed. "Shinobu-chan… You remember me telling you on our first date that in the past, some women thought I was 'strange,'" he made air quotes, "and others thought I was rejecting them when I didn't make advances on them or accept theirs?" He placed his hand on her shoulder. "I let those relationships end there, because I realized that we weren't compatible. They thought I wasn't serious about them because I wouldn't sleep with them and I thought we weren't serious enough yet to consider it . But with you, I do want to keep this going, to keep trying."
"But why, if you don't want me…?" she said, confused, feeling rejected despite his words. It was irrational, she knew. Hadn't she just remembered how Mari and Kyoko thought she was "strange" herself? It wasn't that she was easy or desperate. Yes, at night she often longed for his strong embrace and for him to make her all his. And yes, when she pondered what that involved, the thought of going all the way to C was still a bit scary. But she still wanted to be desired by him.
"Of course I want you!" Takane protested, coloring slightly. "Some nights I desperately want to ask you to stay over at my place instead of letting you go back home." He sighed, blushing more deeply. "Err, that was probably too much information, wasn't it?"
Shinobu also blushed deeper. But it wasn't quite the same thing as before. It was a mixture of a maiden's shyness and pleasure in learning her man did desire her sexually and that her staying over at his place elevated what might happen from merely theoretical to probable. It awoke desire in her and that clouded her judgment. "Then please make me understand!" she asked, half plea to understand, half protest that his principles still felt like some sort of a rejection. "If you feel that way, why are you so negative about making me your woman?"
He looked around, grateful nobody was in earshot. "It's because of what I think what should be between a man and a woman. I'll try to explain. Okay… right now, by mutual consent, there is a line between us in our relationship that we don't cross. As long as that line exists, it protects us from hurting each other, and protects us from regret if we decide we're not right for each other." He looked down at his hands.
Shinobu looked at them too. He was clenching them as if he was struggling to be true to himself. So it's not that he is rejecting me… she finally realized. It's that he thinks it's wrong to have me? "Okay, I think I see what you're saying here."
"All right," he continued, "but if we cross that line before we're both ready to commit to a lifetime together, we're probably going to regret it, and I don't want do cause you that kind of hurt. Look. I told you last week about our family's year end get-together. I look forward to introducing you to everyone as somebody I am serious about. They know about my moral standards… they share them. I don't want them thinking we're in an immoral relationship together, I especially don't want them looking down on you or thinking you're just a loose woman and assuming you're to blame. Shinobu-chan, I do hope we're right for each other. If we are, then we've lost nothing in waiting. If we're not… then do you really want to remember your first time being with somebody you dumped, or somebody who dumped you?"
"Oh…" Shinobu remembered what Naru had told her when they had their talk… Shinobu, you are worth a guy who will treat you with respect. I think every girl wants their first time to be with the one they love forever. Maybe we need to insist on waiting until we know that guy's the one instead of thinking we have no reason not to do it and hoping it works out.
Her eyes widened, realizing that, whether this worked out or not, she was with such a man who wanted to wait for her good, for their good here. She brought her face close to his and put her hand in his. "I want that too. Thank you for being strong for me when I'm weak, Takane-kun ." Looking around and seeing nobody near, she impulsively leaned forward, bringing her lips to his.
Takane was surprised by her boldness, but leaned forward and responded with his own kiss, ignoring the sounds of disapproval from people walking by. "Thank you for being strong when I'm weak…" he said, enclosing her hands in his.
They sat, arms around each other on the bench. They were possibly risking getting a reprimand for a public display of affection, but that wasn't too high on their list of concerns at the moment.
Shinobu looked down at her bag. "I guess I still need to think about what to do about my situation," she said sheepishly. "But I'll try to be careful in how I phrase it."
The both laughed. Then Takane said, "If I have the names straight, it seems like Naru might be the sanest one in the 'asylum,' and she always looked out for you like an older sister, even when she was mad, am I right?" He hoped it was. While at first, he thought Shinobu was exaggerating when she called it an asylum, sometimes he wondered if she was being over-charitable.
"Well, yeah. We had a huge fight a few months ago, before I met you, but she forgave me."
"Okay," he said. "So, she doesn't stay mad?"
"Well," she said remembering some of the fights Naru had with Keitaro, "not once she realizes it was an accident or the person was sorry."
"Okay, I don't want to be one of those guys who thinks he has to treat every concern a woman has as a problem to fix. Maybe I already failed. But from what I'm hearing, it sounds like you feel bad that something you did is between you and you wish it wasn't?"
"Yes, that's about right. I thought I was doing her a favor, I thought I knew better than her what she needed, but I made the problem worse."
"Well, do you think maybe that's what she needs to hear from you?"
"Probably," Shinobu sighed. "When we talked yesterday, I tried to explain why she shouldn't be upset. It didn't go over too well. I guess what really hurts is she said that while she'd probably forgive me, she didn't know if she could trust me any more."
"Ooh," Takane said sympathetically. "I guess I can see why you might feel uncomfortable going back after that."
"Yeah, how do I come back from that?"
"I don't know. I'm a guy. What works for us might not work for you. But if she is a good person who sees you try to be a good person even if you make some bad choices, do you think she might listen when she cools down?"
Shinobu nodded. "She might, and I guess I need to stop running away and face up to it either way. Otherwise, I guess I'm not very trustworthy."
They sat there for awhile, enjoying each other's presence and touch. Finally, Shinobu said, "Umm, can we forget what I said earlier?" She blushed at how near she had come to losing sight of her values.
"Of course," Takane said, smiling. "Let's start again."
But all too soon, Shinobu had to hurry for class again. She got up and kissed him. "Thank you for your support and thank you for not taking advantage of me." She hurried off beaming. He's such a gentleman! If it wasn't for Naru's advice I could have ruined it! She ran off to class, determined to make the effort with Naru this afternoon.
Takane had to sit there for awhile so he wouldn't have to make any awkward adjustments in public with his pants when he stood up. It had been so difficult trying to keep the line between them in place when it was obvious they were both badly tempted to erase it. He was glad she understood and hadn't pressed him any further. I have to be stronger so I don't hurt her! He thought to himself.
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Naru sat next awkwardly to her stepmother. Mei had reluctantly stayed back at Hinata House to keep up on her studies. Tomoka looking straight ahead as she drove along to Tokyo. As the miles wore on, the silence between them grew more and more noticeable. I should say something, Naru thought. "Gibo-san…"
Tomoka looked over at her warily and Naru was startled to see her unhappy expression. "Naru, I wanted to talk to you for awhile. I've been keeping something secret that I want you to know about. It doesn't excuse how I've treated you since I married your father. I know I didn't treat you as you deserve. But telling you might help you understand why I was that way. I'm just afraid that after hearing about your hurt, it might sound like I'm just playing for sympathy."
"Oh?" Naru asked warily. That kind of opening felt ominous. But, on the other hand, the fact that her stepmother knew something was wrong between them made her wonder if there was some way out of it. She desperately wanted to take another antacid, but forced herself to leave the pack in her purse. "I guess I was kind of a bitch back there and—"
"No. That was a cry of pain, Naru. It helped me to finally see why you were avoiding me." Tomoka cleared her throat. "But what I wanted to tell you is a different matter… I only found out about this when Mei left for boarding school. Your father and I were alone, and that made my problem more apparent… it couldn't be explained away anymore by the excuse of being busy raising her."
"Your problem?" Naru asked, alarmed. Don't tell me they're getting a divorce…. While she always felt estranged from her stepmother, Shinobu's experience told her this would badly hurt her father and Mei.
"Yes, you must have noticed Naru how I was rather withdrawn around you before Mei was born. You must have noticed how blunt and tactless I could be. It was easier interacting with Mei, because she was mine. At any rate, I… I'm what they call an asupe."
Naru, startled, looked at her stepmother. She knew what the term meant, having learned it from Mutsumi. "I… assume you're using the term literally, and not as slang?"
Tomoka nodded. "Yes. I was diagnosed four years ago… about a month after Mei went away to school as I said. I didn't tell anybody I had it or that I was taking Sertraline because I was ashamed of being weak." She glanced over at Naru. "I didn't contact you once it started helping because I was ashamed of how I treated you and thought I should leave you in peace. It wasn't until your friend, Miss Maehara called us one day out of the blue asking if you were there, that I realized how isolated we were from you. We thought you were still on Pararakelse, so it was obvious something was odd. I thought I should try to reach out to you… I didn't understand how badly I had hurt you though until you let it out."
Tomoka abruptly pulled the car over to the side of the road, leaning her head against the steering wheel. Naru noticed her hands were shaking.
"If I had admitted I had a problem in the beginning, perhaps I might have been able to get treatment and have been a better mother to you. Then you wouldn't have had to been moved out like you were…. maybe then you wouldn't have needed Sertraline yourself if I had been a better mother…"
She angrily brushed the tears from her eyes. "Dammit! I wanted to stay strong for this. I didn't want you to think I was manipulating you into sympathy by crying."
Naru was stunned by the revelation. She had always thought of stepmother as calm and collected woman, urbane even. She had assumed she just wasn't good enough to meet her standards. She had avoided her stepmother to avoid further feelings of low self esteem. But the possibility that this might have been caused by the same barriers that had discouraged her from coming forward made it hard for her stepmother to get help forced her to rethink her resentments.
"I'm sorry for being so insensitive," she said, hesitatingly.
"You weren't! I hid it from you, your father and Mei!" She sighed. "You probably think that's a terrible excuse."
"No, I think I see." Naru said. "I take Sertraline for depression myself. My psychiatrist thinks I have low self esteem. I always held in what I didn't like until I blew up. It almost cost me my marriage. It was very hard to come forward and talk to my friend Mutsumi about where to get help because I was ashamed to admit to myself that I might be crazy." She sighed. "If that was your way of thinking, maybe we do have something in common."
"In some ways, that does sound similar," Tomoka said. "I was also ashamed to admit I had a problem. Asperger's is more along the lines of being slightly autistic. I find it hard to recognize social clues and reach out to others. I could do it with your father because we were married. I could do it with Mei because I gave birth to her. But I failed in reaching out to you even though I wanted to love you like I loved Mei. Once I saw the woman you became, I wanted to try again, but I didn't recognize the social clues you were giving off. So I barged in and made things worse."
"That actually explains some things," Naru said, pondering what was said. It did force her to reassess what had happened between them. So, it's not that I wasn't good enough for her… it was because of this? She remembered back to July when she was lost in Nagasaki and heard that reading in the Church where she got help from. If Keitaro forgave me this, then I should…. "I won't lie," she said. "It might take me time to come to terms with all of this and the past pain," she said. "But at least after what I learned from my own psychiatrist, I can grasp that things were different than I thought. I wouldn't have been able to do that before I knew I had a problem."
"Well, thank you for saying that," Tomoka said. "I don't expect our relationship to become immediately fixed or your hurts to go away. It's going to take time, and it's going to require me earning your trust that I can change and not hurt you. But I'll try to respect your boundaries and not try to force my way through anymore."
"All right, Gibo-san," Naru said, a slight smile on her face. Maybe Shinobu has a point on family. "I'm willing if you're willing. "Let's go slowly so we don't disappoint each other with unrealistic expectations."
"All right, I'd like that. But if I might make a suggestion?"
"Hmm?" Naru asked.
"Well, you seem to feel awkward calling me Gibo-san, and I know that your real mother is the only one you would feel comfortable with calling 'mother.' So, maybe it would be easier for you if you just called me by my name?"
Naru thought about that. "All right… Tomoka. I will."
Tomoka pulled back onto the road and zipped along to make up for lost time, barely getting there in time. Keitaro was pacing in front of the entrance. Naru stepped out and walked over to him while her stepmother parked the car.
"I was starting to worry something had happened to you," he said, embracing his wife."
"No, we're okay. Tomoka and I just had to sort some things out between us."
"Oh, was that rough on you?" Keitaro was clueless, but he could pick up on some more obvious signs.
"Yeah, but hopefully that will be behind us now… or at least easier to deal with. She looked at the door, nervously. "I'm more worried about what's in front of us."
"The Quad test, you mean?" he replied, sympathetically. Being a man, and not being the one who was going to have the large needle rammed inside to check amniotic fluids, he was cautious about offering shallow encouragements like it will be all right. "Well, if they let me and you want me to, I'll go in to provide support during it."
Naru smiled gratefully. "I'll try not to hurt your hand when I squeeze it. But I'm being a big baby here. If something is wrong with our little one, maybe we'll be able to get it fixed. Besides," she said nervously, "We can also find out if we're having a little girl or a little boy."
"Right," Keitaro said reassuringly. He didn't want Naru to worry, or to pick up on his worry. If it wasn't for the fact that Naru had conceived on Pararakelse shortly before a measles outbreak, the test would be optional. But having looked over the brochure while waiting for her to arrive, the things it mentioned screening for were things he never considered for.
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Despite her earlier determination, the thought of actually facing Naru seemed much more intimidating than it seemed after kissing Takane and receiving his moral and emotional support. So she crept up the stairs, hoping to get into the kitchen and start cooking up Naru's favorite food before she was discovered.
Unfortunately, Naru was sitting in the courtyard, wearing her dotera to protect from the November chill. Hachi lay at her feet, chewing the bark off a stick, when Shinobu appeared. Shinobu thought Naru looked a bit disappointed about something. But before she could duck away and hide, Naru looked up and spotted her.
"Erm," Shinobu said, awkwardly.
"Uhm," Naru said equally unprepared.
By an unspoken agreement to get out of the cold, they walked into the kitchen looking at each other awkwardly, Shinobu started dinner while Naru made tea for both of them.
Okay, Shinobu thought, steeling herself. This is a chance to apologize. She took a breath.
"I'm sorry," Naru said abruptly. "I think I overreacted yesterday afternoon." She blushed. "And calling you Maehara-san was pretty low on my part."
"What?" Shinobu said, blindsided. After building herself up to apologize herself, she hadn't expected this scenario. She expected something like Naru being eventually placated after owning up.
"That doesn't mean I'm happy over what you did here," Naru continued. "I really wasn't mentally prepared to face her. But I can understand why you did it. And maybe I realized my family is more important to me than I thought. And, I realized Hinata House is part of my family, so…"
"I am sorry I did that, Naru. I guess I thought I knew what was good for you better than you did, and I didn't even consider that what you needed might be different than what I thought." She sighed. "Looking back over these past few months, I guess I have shown some pretty bad judgment sometimes." There's no way in hell that I'll tell her about my misunderstanding with Takane, though!
"I believe you, Shinobu," Naru said. And she meant it. The time she pursued Keitaro, she wrote off as the last gasp of an unrequited mad crush. "Just, in the future, try to trust me to make the best decision I can, okay?"
"Okay," Shinobu said, relieved and happy to hear Naru was sincerely forgiving. "So where do we go from here?"
"Let's start again," Naru said, smiling slightly. "We had some rough spots, but I'm willing to move on if you are."
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That evening, everyone gathered in Kitsune's tea room. Naru's presence didn't mean that the alcohol filled truffles were absent. Kitsune just made sure they were kept out of Naru's sight, both to prevent trouble and to prevent her from accidentally ingesting alcohol, thinking it was harmless.
Not that Naru had much time to police anything. Mei, determined to spend time with her half-sister, had grabbed her by the arm and said, "Come on already!" dragging her over to join the collectible card game battle she was involved in with Ema and Sara. "Now tell me about everything since I last saw you at the wedding, Oneechan!"
"Everything?" Naru asked. "My life feels like a series of badly written fanfics lately! Do you really want to hear about it?"
"What I want to hear about is the results of your test." Haruka said, walking over. "The two of you were excited to find out whether the baby's a boy or a girl. When do we get to hear?"
"Oh," Naru said, faltering a little. "Turns out that the results aren't instantaneous. We need to wait three days for the gender and the simpler screening tests. It will take a week to know the results of some of the other complications that might exist."
Complications… the word suddenly hung heavily over the gathering, and everyone fell silent. The thought that something could go wrong felt ominous. Keitaro walked over and, sitting down next to his wife, put his arm around her reassuringly.
Mutsumi, apparently engaged in a conversation with Tama, looked up at the hush. Seeing the downcast expressions, she hurried over. "Ara! These tests don't work like that Nacchan! They only tell you there's a chance of a problem, not that it's certain!"
Naru looked up, pensively. "What kind of chance are we talking about? I mean if they detect something…"
Mutsumi firmly shook her head. "It looks at the DNA in the amniotic fluid to see if there are markers that can mean a problem. But the chances of those markers meaning a specific baby will develop that problem runs from 1/30 to 1/1000. So, in the unlikely event that the test shows something, I expect Dr. Juse will tell you not to panic or make rash decisions based on the test."
Mutsumi's words lightened the mood, especially for Naru. She hadn't planned on doing anything even if the news was bad—her bond with her baby was too strong for that—but this allowed her to ease up, and was able allow herself to be drawn into the discussion more easily... when she could understand whatever rapidly shifting topic they were talking about.
Currently, she couldn't.
"Well, of all the support characters in the Final Fantasy series, I think Barret is the most likable," Ema said.
"No way!" Mei snapped. "He's too mean!"
"Now, now," Keitaro said. " On one hand, he is pretty gruff and rude. But on the other hand, Barret has-"
"A really big gun!" Sara interjected, reaching for the bowl of bar mix.
"Ha. Ha. Ha!" Ema said, sarcastically imitating a rather annoying scene in the franchise.
The four of them laughed while Naru shrugged. She hadn't played one of those games since Middle School. So as the conversation turned to comparing her to somebody called Tifa and Mutsumi to somebody called Aeris, she had no idea what they were talking about or whether she should be flattered or offended. I guess that's the result of cramming throughout high school. It wasn't the end of the world, but she felt like perhaps she could have done more socially.
Tsuruko strode in confidently while Motoko followed her cringing, a look of Help! I have no idea what my sister is going to do! Silence followed. Naru's eye twitched. Tsuruko had caused a lot of trouble the last time she was here. The whole thing was like finding a vulture perched outside your home. You didn't want it here because its natural intentions didn't bode well, but you didn't really have a reason to drive it away either before it did anything.
"Welcome," she said politely, wondering whether Dr. Nakahara would diagnose her with anything, and if so, what?
"Mrs... erm, Urashima," Tsuruko said pleasantly, bowing. "I wanted to thank you for preventing my younger sister from making a terrible mistake this summer."
"Ane-ue!" Motoko protested. It was humiliating being reminded of that disastrous summer.
Tsuruko evaluated the Naru's figure. "You look like you are adapting well to your first pregnancy. Congratulations." Tactlessly polite as always, she smiled and continued. "It looks like you are not having problems putting on the required weight like I did during mine."
"Oh?" Naru said pleasantly. Her twitching eye belied her tone.
"Ane-ue!" Motoko said, cringing even more. Come on! I have to live here! She pulled Tsuruko away towards a table, bowing in apology to Naru as she did so.
Sitting at the table, Motoko hissed, "Do you understand I am not pursuing Keitaro? You don't have to 'help' me there any longer!" She looked around. Thankfully, they were no longer the center of attention. "So stop sniping at Naru!"
"But Motoko-han, I'm just looking out for your best interests,"
"Ane-ue, I'm almost 24! I can take care of myself! I have a full life my studies and my writing."
Tsuruko raised her eyebrow at the reminder that she was 35. "But are you really taking care of yourself? Are you sure you're not using these things as substitute for a lack?"
"What?" Motoko had no idea where her older sister was going with this.
Tsuruko pulled out a book that looked embarrassingly familiar to Motoko. On the cover was a female samurai showing ample cleavage, brandishing a katana in one hand, her other hand caressing the bare chest of a handsome burly man. "I thought I would give one of your novels a try. It revealed something about you. Yes, it's filth, but it's a childish filth that shows how little you've lived."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Motoko snapped defensively, not sure which criticism to be offended by first... over her writing or her life.
"Well," Tsuruko said, "Your romance scenes are steamy enough until the moment of truth. But once the foreplay is over, what happens gets…" She gestured with her hand, "…vague. It's obvious that you haven't had the experience in love to describe it." She shrugged. "You should have accepted the marriage I tried to arrange with Urashima-san. Then you'd have a better understanding of mature love."
"Ane-ue!" Motoko leapt back out of her chair, blushing out of embarrassment and anger. "Keep your voice down!"
"You seem to be the one creating a scene, Motoko-han." Tsuruko said, making a face as she looked at her non-alcoholic drink. "I'm just saying that you might appeal to the shoujo readers, but probably not the josei."
"So what are you saying?" Motoko glared, almost ready to strike her older sister. Almost. She knew Tsuruko was still better on the whole. "That I should act like a common Baishunpu to improve my writing?"
"Should you act like your main characters in your books, you mean? No."
Motoko squawked in protest while Tsuruko emptied her glass and set it down.
"But," Tsuruko continued, "I would say that your writing feels somewhat childish. It shows what you don't want to admit you lack and can't find by your own efforts."
I could if I wanted to! Motoko thought angrily, recalling the way Yuto-san looked at her in the campus cafe. But she wouldn't ever let on to Tsuruko that there were any possible candidates. Otherwise she'd latch on to her like a lamprey wanting details… or—worse—trying to force another arranged marriage. "Look, I'm tired! Let's start again, or I'm calling it a night."
Tsuruko sighed. "I'm sorry, Motoko-han. I should have said it differently. What I mean is, are you really happy with your life as it is? Or are you just settling for what you have after losing your chance at what you wanted?"
Motoko looked down at her glass, not knowing how to answer that. I don't think she's right about Keitaro being what I wanted. But I think she's right that I'm settling. I think my residual feelings for him were because I thought of him as being the only one who could provide what I lack. Looking up to her sister's waiting expression, she shrugged. "Right now, I've been focusing on my degree and writing, thinking of my life as what will start after. But obviously, I don't only want my career and my writing."
"All right, Motoko-han. Now that you see this, you need to ask yourself, what do you think you need to do to get what you do want." She smiled slyly. "Don't worry. I learned my lesson after this summer. If you want my help, I'll help. If you want to do this yourself, I'll stand back. But remembering what I said the last time after we fought, I'd now say, your womanhood, your studies and your sword… and I guess now your writing… why not focus on where you'll be happy and discard what stands in the way?"
She stood up and stretched. "But you're right. It is getting late. Let's call it a night and start again tomorrow."
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Author's Notes
Okay, anybody who was disappointed that this chapter wasn't a lemon should be aware that I don't write them. I (perhaps over-cautiously) rate my stories M for language and occasional suggestive dialog. Any sex will happen "off screen."
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"At any rate, I need to pay my respects to the Narusegawa woman for keeping you on track". A callback to Barriers where Naru brought Motoko back to Hinata House after she ran away.
"I'm what they call an asupe." アスペ. This is a slang term for a person with Asperger's Syndrome and often misused to call someone "crazy." Some manga creators have tried to raise awareness about this issue. (Effective Medicine for Despair by Yamada Reiji, and With the Light by Keiko Tobe… both of these manga would have been running at this time).
"It wasn't until your friend, Miss Maehara called us one day out of the blue asking if you were there" A callback to Forever and a Day.
Dr. Nakahara. Naru's psychiatrist.
"Baishunpu" Prostitute.