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Chapter 22

"So it's true then, I'm really pregnant, barely one month, not three months?" Natalie asked as Michael finished cleaning up the gel from the ultrasound.

'Yes, it's true"

"And everything is alright, with the baby, I mean... Darren.. the smoke.. my baby's alright?"

" Yes, Natalie .. the baby seems fine, you seem fine also...'

"Then I can go home... I mean.. the carriage house.. I mean Llanfair..I .. I don't know where home is anymore, I have my memory back and home was with Darren at his home but it really wasn't, do you understand that, I mean, it was home but never felt like home, nothing has really felt like home since.. since.. " Natalie told him getting emotional again, she shook her head " never mind, Can I see my son now, and John"

"In a few minutes, Natalie.. I need to ask.. ask what you want to do about the baby, I know you want to keep it, what I mean is.. What are you going to tell John?"

Natalie thought about things some more, she didn't know what to do, should she tell him, should she wait and find out if he was going to leave again and go after the killer again, maybe find him this time, why? She asked herself and she shook her head, she knew him to well, he would leave them again, he would promise to come back as soon as possible, whether he found the killer or not, why? She again asked herself, why couldn't he just let her help to make him feel better about life, why wouldn't he let her heal him, or at least let her try and fix him.

After a few minutes of silent thoughts she answered Michael.

'I'm not telling John about the baby right now, I need to see how things play out, so as far as everything goes, I'm not pregnant, and never was" Natalie told him with a serious tone about her

"Natalie, how am I supposed to lie to my own brother?"

"You're my doctor Mikey, and my friend, just do it"

"Natalie that's not fair'

"I know Michael but is it fair that your brother feels he won't be able to have anything in life if he doesn't catch your fathers killer, is it fair that he will most likely leave cause of new info that will probably help him to find the shooter this time, is it fair that he will leave me to raise a second child of his alone, cause he is still in no condition to be a father himself. Because he feels like a failure, no Mikey, it's not fair, life isn't fair and sometimes, sometimes, Deceptions are all that get you thru the hurt and the pain, and sometimes, they are what gets you thru the love too.

John flipped thru the files he and Henry were just discussing, he read over the info on his fathers murder over and over again, there was a lead in the file that he didn't know about, something that might pan out, something that could lead them to find the killer, maybe finally find him and put all this to rest. Maybe make him whole, make him feel good again, something he had felt in such a long time. He thought about things for a few minutes and then he re heard Henry's words in his head.

"I just can't understand you, understand how. Why you just can't let them fix you, she, they fixed me without even trying and she didn't even love me. You just don't realize how lucky you really are, do you?"

John knew he was going to have to make a decision, a decision on whether he should let this rest unsolved or whether he should use the new information to try and find his dad's killer. He glanced over at Aiden who was still asleep on the seats, how could he think of leaving him now, now with Darren still out there waiting to get a hold on him, he smiled for a brief moment as he saw Aiden himself smile out in his sleep and then he asked himself a few more questions. How could he be a father, a good father to Aiden, and now maybe even another baby if he wasn't right inside, if he felt guilty still, what would that bring to his children's life, how would his brooding effect the lives of his children. How would it effect her, would it change her, maybe cause her to change everything he always Loved most about her, would it cause her more sadness than joy in the long run?

John continued to over analyze things in his head when he closed his eye's, he saw her, just going thru the motions in life, just living day by day with him and their children, she would make excuses for him, for why he couldn't be more loving with them, for why he couldn't feel more, she would have to pick up the slack for him, take care of their emotional needs all alone because he was to damaged to handle it. He opened his eyes and blinked a few times she not knowing what to do.

"Michael Promise me, promise me if John decides he still needs to go find your fathers killer, promise me that you won't tell him about the baby, I... I don't want him to be miserable, I .. don't...I.. can't keep him here if he needs and wants to do something else, we would all just be miserable in the long run. If I'm not enough, if we're not enough" Natalie said the last part as she touched her still flat stomach. "Then he's just better off going and not knowing"

"Natalie, you're not giving him a choice again"

"He has a choice, he already knows about Aiden, if he feels he can be a good father to him with this hanging over him then fine, I'll tell him about the baby but if he doesn't, and if he feels he still needs to do this, then I can't, we can't stand in his way, we want all of him Michael, my children deserve all of him and if they have to be without him for awhile to get him that way, then it'll be worth it then won't it?"

"And what if he doesn't come back again?" Michael said staring into her teary eye's as a few tears started to fall.

"That's just the chance I'll have to take"

"John" Michael said as he walked out into the hall from the exam room where Natalie was. John turned quickly to see Michael who approached him quickly.

"Mikey, how is she? Is she aright? The baby?" John asked and saw Michael look down with his eyes

"She's alright John, but..."

"But what about the baby?"

"You'll have to ask her about the baby John, she wants to see you and Aiden"