The Clash

After giving the disk to Adam then going our separate ways, I went to my room to listen to some music while Emma left to meditate. I guess I stressed her out when I didn't respond to her, I feel bad, but I can't say anything that I can't even understand. How could she even expect me to say anything like what she wants me to say?

I know that she wants to talk about what happened, she wants to know that I felt something when I was with her. But I can't give her the wrong idea, I can't let her know that it's ok to be with a person like me, I don't even know if what I feel is real or not.

For all I know this is all the fault of my feline DNA, I could be in heat. This could be the result of not following Mother Nature's call; I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do. I mean, yeah I'm a flirt, but everyone knows that I'm a flirt, it's part of my personality God damn it!

I'm laying on my back and I'm watching the ceiling as my legs dangle from the edge of the bed. I can't help but remember that night when I made the biggest mistake I could make, I close my eyes and try not to remember it but the image and memory itself is as stubborn as I am. So I close my eyes and remember Emma and I alone on a bed with the alcohol flooding all common sense.

- I feel her hand place itself on one side of my head as I hear her ask "Shalimar, where's your lips?" I'm drunk and I'm not thinking straight so I reply, "right hear" hoping that she'd hear my voice and find out for herself. But she doesn't instead she asks me again after a couple minutes "Shalimar where's your lips?" I then take her left hand and guide it to my lips and wait for her to answer. But she doesn't answer, instead she lowers her head slowly and presses her lips to mine, before I know it I feel her lips open partly and I do the same, we kiss.

We're kissing and it's slow and sensual and before I know it she's moved on top of me and our kiss deepens, I feel her tongue against mine and I feel the drunken urge to touch her. So I do, I let my hands grab her waist and I feel her shiver as she breaks away from the kiss to breath it into my mouth. Not a second later her lips are back on mine and her body gets closer to mine, our kiss begins to become passionate as I hear her moan in response after I push her tongue out of my mouth and into hers so I can taste her.

Moments passed and before I know it I hear a voice coming from outside the doorway, I hear Jesse hollering with glee "They're kissing, they're kissing!" And before I know it I push Emma off of me –

I open my eyes to see Emma on the floor as she's looking back up at me with a smirk on her face. I rub my eyes and try to piece together what exactly Emma is dong on the floor of my room. I watch her in confusion as she licks her lips and smiles, it's friendly yet it's not. And as I try to figure out what's going on a light bulb goes off in my head as I imagine what exactly went on while I was, apparently, asleep.

I move to turn down the volume as I see her lips mouth the words that I dreaded, "Shal we need to talk". I slowly bring my attention back to Emma who positions herself comfortably on my dresser as I sit up and keep my eyes to the floor.

I feel her smile and I will myself not to smile back as I'm certain that Emma did what I think she did. I suddenly feel anger as I ask, "What were you doing on the floor Emma?" I try to control my anger as she answers, "you should know, you pushed me". I look back at her and ask, "What were you doing in my head Emma?"

She frowns as she asks, "how did you know that I was-" "you were in my head" I interrupt coldly as I keep my eyes to the floor, as I fear her seeing right through my hurt and see what I really feel. I can feel her guilt as she says, "I'm sorry Shal, I know I shouldn't have-" "your damn right you shouldn't have!" I snap back as I look at her in all my anger and hurt.

She's fighting back tears as she says, "I owe you an explanation Shal-" "I don't want to hear it" I interrupt again. "WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME!" she screams as she practically jumps off of my dresser and comes pretty close to jumping me.

I just sit there neutral, I'm in shock, I have never heard Emma yell so loud in all the time that I knew her. I move my eyes away from her teary face as I say, "ok, I'm listening." She pauses for a moment as she grabs a Kleenex from my nightstand and dries her eyes with it. She looks up to the ceiling and nods her head as I can tell that she's trying to find the right words to use.

When she stops nodding her head she looks at me and says, "Shalimar, ever since that night when we kissed-" "we did more then just kiss-" "Shalimar please" Emma interrupts as I quickly apologizes, "I'm sorry, please continue".

"Ever since that night, you don't talk to me anymore. You don't even look at me anymore. It's like you don't even know that I exist, I try so hard now to get you to talk to me but all you do is either give me one-worded sentences or ignore me completely. I needed to know if it was because of that night that my best friend won't talk to me."

Emma stopped talking for a moment as she studied my body language; I looked up and instantly regretted it since the look on Emma's face hit me so hard that I felt like I could be knocked out with just that horrible look. She kept her eye contact with mine as she continues, "Shalimar, I know that these images of us have been haunting you for a while.

I came into you room when I sensed your dream, I wanted to know what you felt when we were kissing. So I went into your mind and tried to answer my own questions since I knew that you wouldn't tell me yourself."

I stare at her blankly, all I can think about is how she was in my mind without my permission, seeing things that she already new but forced out of me. She treated me like an enemy, she broke her promise, and she read my feelings and my memories.

"Tell me what's on your mind Shal?" Emma asks, I'm not thinking and when I say what I say I don't even know if I really regret saying it or not, "Why don't you find out for yourself. Will it be easier if I'm asleep?" I said it with such bitterness it surprised me.

I look at Emma and see her start to cry, as her eyes are so wet and red with tears, I fight back the need to cry, I fight back the need to go to her and hold her.

I fight these urges because I know that what she did to me was one of the worst things she could have done. She asked the question and instead of waiting for the answer she tore through my mind and got it for herself. I begin to feel the clash again, the clash between what I really want to say to what I should say.

And when she gives me one more pleading look and begs me to look at her I fight the final urge to look at her. And when she leaves my room crying I feel nothing, I feel as though she deserved what she got for raping me. I did nothing wrong, I was the victim and she was the girl that raped my thoughts and feelings, for all I know she made me feel these things for her. She made me feel so confused, these feelings weren't my own; I was manipulated and used by her, my supposed best friend.

It's only a matter of time before these feelings will go away, and I will be free from this false reality. And maybe after this my friendship with Emma will be saved, but I can't be around her right now, I think we both need to chill out for a while. And there's no way that I'm telling Adam, this is definitely between Emma and I.

Authors note: I hope that I didn't offend anyone by using the word 'rape' to describe what Shalimar is feeling. I just thought that in that situation when Emma went into Shalimar's mind without her permission and read her personal memories and feelings that it would make Shalimar feel like she was raped. Raped as in her trust was destroyed and how Emma went beyond her personal feelings and did something that was offensive, wrong, and hurtful. If this description of Shalimar's personal feelings by using the word rape offends you, then let me know and I'll get rid of it immediately. It's not in my desire to offend anyone, so if this does offend you please tell me, I have no problem with fixing something that offends someone. I know that Rape is not an easy topic to write or discuss so I will change it if asked.