How Can I Be Sure?

Chris was on his way to Engineering when Una joined him in the turbolift. Once the doors closed, she smirked at him and said "Finally."

He sighed and thought, It's going to be a long day. And then explained, "Nothing happened, I was on the bridge all night … remember … bad torpedo … cascading power failures …"

Una frowned. "That's disappointing." Then reminded him emphasizing the words she considered important, "You were on the bridge most of the night and were needed only for an hour."

"I was monitoring the situation and thought it necessary to be present until we understood why the torpedo armed itself."

"Umm, well that is logical since only the bridge is equipped with communication devices. Maybe one should be added to the captain's quarters during our next maintenance refit."

Chris looked up at the ceiling and tried to remember why he chose a first officer who merged Vulcan logic with Human sarcasm. "You are saying I was … or am … superfluous?"

"Of course not," Una replied, slowly drawing out her words, her voice and expression feigning gravity. "Sometimes Phil, Chief Louvier and I need the … authority figure." She paused and tilted her head as if thinking. "Though the need is rare."

Chris' mouth twitched in a faint smile as he exited the lift. Phil asked her to try to boost their Captain's mood. Mission accomplished Doctor, Una thought. And it's confirmed, he used the situation deliberately, as a way to abort and backtrack from deepening his relationship with Aalin.

ooooo

Engineering was controlled chaos. Which was a good sign, it meant things were back to normal. The Chief Engineer was standing in the middle of a circle of junior officers all talking at once. Chris waited until Louvier responded to each one individually and they dispersed to carry out their assignments.

"Ah Captain, good morning. Repairs are complete. We're operating with a skeleton crew here; I dismissed the others with orders for rest."

"What happened?"

Louvier replied, "A circuit, installed incorrectly, malfunctioned, and sent a signal to immediately arm the torpedo with the safety off. We inspected the remaining units. There were no additional problems."

"And the power failure?"

"A mistake made by a security officer and engineer who responded to the alert. Isak and I have addressed the issue. We will be recommending a new drill to train for this scenario."

"Very well. Work with Una on the drill, the bridge's response was slow. You should follow your own orders and get some rest."

"Soon Captain, soon. I have a few more things requiring my personal attention and a meeting later. Step into my office for a moment?"

After closing the door Chris, sure where this was heading, blurted out, "Despite what you have heard, nothing happened between us."

Louvier, pretending to be uninformed and confused, replied. "Excuse me sir? I wanted to talk about the upcoming crew evaluations."

"Oh. Okay. Never mind."

"Though if I have inferred correctly that is unfortunate. She is une belle femme and charmant. Or to use your inadequate, unpoetic Federation Standard, a beautiful, charming woman."

"Rene," Chris warned, "you are speaking about a fellow crew member."

"With respect … and truth. Truth is always respectful, is it not? Do you disagree?"

Chris sensed a trap and decided a straightforward answer was best. "No."

"Then your choice is simple."

Not at all, Chris thought wearily and said as he left, "We'll start the evaluations next week."

Rene smiled at his commander's retreating back. He could report his mission accomplished when the team gathered this evening.

ooooo

Satisfied last night's failures were meticulously analyzed, understood, and corrected, Chris spent the rest of the shift in his ready room. It was a rare quiet day with no interruptions. Whether this was intentional or chance he didn't care. Well, he admitted, I probably should be curious, Phil is undoubtedly planning mischief … which will inevitably cause havoc and bite me in the ass. But he craved solitary time.

His thoughts were randomly spinning.

What type of books is Phil reading to be using 'snog' in everyday conversation? To continue the teenage metaphor, he and Aalin made it to second base before the ship abruptly went to yellow alert. That interruption saved him from continuing down a path that would have ended awkwardly. Perhaps badly, destroying any chance of continuing our friendship.

With little else other than routine space flight to hold the crew's attention, the rumors of his and Aalin's assumed liaison were circulating throughout the ship. And to make matters worse, the rumors weren't true. Where is a uniquely interesting stellar nursery or hostile alien species when you needed them?

Una and Rene were probing for information. Rene more subtly than Una, but indirect was seldom her preferred method. At least Spock will not offer unsolicited advice.

Chris no longer remembered when he and Aalin fell into the rhythm of meeting every night to chat. Or the point when missing that time with her made his day feel incomplete, when he started looking forward to seeing her smile and hearing her laugh. When she became an important confident, the one with whom he freely shared his deepest personal joys and fears.

Except for one.

Alright Christopher, you are stalling. Time to be honest.

What the hell were you thinking?

You weren't ready. You may never be. This is unfair. You can't expect her to wait endlessly for you to work up the courage to make love to her.

How do you fix this without losing the friendship? Is friendship all you are capable of now?

It was … nice … having someone waiting for him to return from duty. And, he admitted, a relief the late hour provided a plausible reason for avoiding sex. Intimacy requires trust and faith and hope. He lost all three on Talos IV when they tricked him and forced him to respond.

And given those realities, why did you coax her off the sofa where she was sleeping and into your bed? Yet for those two brief hours in her arms, with nothing demanded of him, Chris felt as if one of his broken pieces settled back into place.

He didn't remember murmuring as he fell asleep, "I'm in love with you. But how can I be certain it's real? How can I ever trust my feelings again?"