Blind Spot

How beautiful to find a heart that loves you, without asking you for anything, but to be okay. – Kahlil Gibran

Pike glared his impatience at the chief medical officer while he awaited results. Then exhaled the breath he was unaware of holding when Dr. Boyce closed his medical scanner and spoke directly to Aalin, "Broken wrist, severe ankle sprain, and bruised ribs. You are fortunate, a more direct impact would have broken your ribs and likely punctured a lung."

Abruptly, without uttering a word, his pace rapid, Pike left the gym. Boyce covered the awkward moment by helping Aalin to her feet. He nodded to Chapel and instructed, "Sickbay to knit the injured wrist bone, release to quarters, forty-eight hours off shift then light duty. Rest, cold packs, compression, and elevation for the sprain, brace the ribs as a precaution so movement doesn't fracture the compromised bones. Standard pain meds." To Aalin he continued, "You'll need an anti-grav boot for the next week when walking. Unfortunately twenty-third century medicine has no cure for sprains and bruises other than time. I'll check on you later."

After Aalin limped out aided by the nurse, Boyce turned to Isak and his two subordinates, John and Nhan, and answered the unspoken question. "The Captain was in Sickbay when your call for a medic came in. He was out the door before me. I'm surprised he didn't beat us here."

Once outside the gym, Pike diverted to a little-used side corridor. Alone there he leaned against the bulkhead and permitted a heartfelt, relieved sigh. Then said aloud, "Thank you, whoever, whatever is watching out for her, thank you. I'll do a better job of it. I promise."

ooooo

John stopped by Aalin's quarters; he came bearing a gift. Holding out the box he said, "For you. Because it's been that kinda day."

After removing the lid her mouth twitched into a faint rueful smile, one with a hint of amusement but also laced with regret and apology. The smile quickly faded. "Cupcakes."

"I heard a rumor about your affinity for them," he replied. "And according to my daughter, cupcakes fix everything."

Surreptitiously Aalin scraped her forefinger through the icing topping one.

He chuckled as she popped the finger in her mouth and licked the sweet treat. "Yep, my daughter does that as well. Feel like a visitor?"

Aalin gestured to a chair. "Please." A pause. The corner of her mouth ticked down and she glanced at the floor before resuming eye contact. "I'm sorry. This morning's debacle was my fault. It's unfair for you to share blame."

John leaned forward, resting elbows on his knees. Now at eye level with Aalin he said, "You're my crewmate; we're responsible for each other, we take care of one another. And Isak correctly called me out. Before the evaluation began, I sensed you were preoccupied but didn't intervene and should have. Ignoring a nudge from instinct in an unfamiliar or hostile environment can be deadly. On the surface Isak's expectations and rules seem strict, even harsh at times. But he and they are the reason Enterprise has the lowest casualty rate among its security force of any ship in the fleet."

"He must be angry with me. And disappointed." Her voice quieted as she finished the reply.

"Don't fret too much about your chat with him, at heart Isak's an overgrown cuddly teddy bear."

Aalin's eyes crinkled as she pictured Enterprise's very tall, very muscular security chief, who looked as if he just arrived from Asgard, in a Paddington bear yellow raincoat and hat.

"Wanna talk about what's on your mind?" John asked. "I'm a good listener."

He noticed her quick inhalation. Her mouth opened then closed before finally saying, "No. Thank you, but no."

"You can't or you won't?"

The query caught Aalin off-guard. Her eyes glanced up at him, her chin raised. "Does it matter?"

John gazed at her intently, examining with the laser focus of a trained soldier. Then shook his head in response to the question giving the impression he understood her reasons. And approved of her choice.

"So how many others have failed their self-defense certification?" she asked eager for a subject change.

"On Enterprise? None. Nor the recertifications."

"You mean …" Aalin's brow creased, and her eyes narrowed. Her voice edged up an octave; when she spoke it was half squeak. "I have to do this more than once?"

"Every year, didn't anyone tell you? It's not a big deal," John replied in what he hoped was a soothing tone of voice.

"No, curiously, that little detail was omitted."

John rubbed the back of his neck using the gesture as an aid in his deflection. "Hmmm, having a tween I know when to steer clear of a topic turned land mind." He flashed a grin, "Besides, don't look at this morning's outcome as a failure, look at it as setting the bar so low any new cadet on the ship will no longer feel intimidated during their first certification. Your, shall we say, less than optimal performance will be legend. I can hear their chatter now … maybe I won't pin Commander Bengsston on the first try but at least it won't be as bad as the time Lieutenant Matthews …"

The first response was a groan. "You really know how to spread the sunshine don't you?" she retorted in a dry tone, but the corners of her mouth ticked up and her fidgeting hands grew less nervous.

"Uh-huh. Just ask my ex." A pause. "Finish all the cupcakes. When you're back to fighting weight, meaning when Medical clears you, we have an appointment with the mat. And to ensure today's lesson sticks, I intend working you twice as hard."

ooooo

When Isak entered her quarters that afternoon, Aalin began the laborious process of standing, a demonstration of respect for a higher-ranking officer. He waved off her gesture. "No need but appreciated." Extracting a straight back chair from the small table, he placed it opposite of her, sat near the edge, and immediately interrogated in a firm tone, "What's the worst mistake you made today?"

"I forgot my training and didn't fall properly …"

Isak interrupted, "Wrong. Again."

"I shouldn't have used the sweep-push …"

"Wrong. Again."

"My stance wasn't boxed throwing off my stability …"

"Wrong. Or rather, yes everything you've mentioned so far is true, but none were your worst mistake. Again."

Running out of ideas Aalin offered, "I didn't practice enough?"

"Wrong. Matt sparred with you a few days ago. He said you were ready. John, one of my best instructors; an expert and black belt many times over in multiple martial arts disciplines, said you were ready. What went wrong?" In response to Aalin's puzzled expression Isak said, "Let's take a different approach. The moves were basic, and your starting position held the advantage. What happened?"

"I … I was thinking of something else."

"Yes. And we will return to that egregious lapse in a moment. Your first mistake was not speaking up before participating in an exercise which could result in injury. There was no crisis. No one's life was threatened. Yet you proceeded knowing you were compromised. In deep space such a choice gets people killed, starting with the security personnel who will stand in front of you if the situation turns dangerous."

"Oh. I didn't think of it like that. I'm sorry. Very sorry. But … my distraction was … personal. Was silly."

Isak's voice gentled. "I watched you unravel the Varian language despite numerous obstacles. You survived the war zone on Noohra. Don't belittle yourself by judging legitimate feelings as … what was your word … silly. And in the future remember no one on this ship will judge you for saying 'I need help' or 'I can't.' Actually today was a good experience for you."

Aalin raised her hands in question. Her tone of voice was disbelieving. "How?"

"All newly minted ensigns learn this lesson in the real world. For some it comes in the midst of a mission with irreversible consequences. Rarely does the lesson come in the relative safety of the ship's gym."

"I see." Her shoulders sagged as if every bit of energy suddenly drained away.

Isak leaned back in his chair. "We've been unfair to you. I share responsibility for today's outcome as well. You've worked hard to fit into the crew and have done well. It's easy for us to forget you don't have the same extensive years-long training members of Starfleet typically receive. From day one at the Academy compartmentalization is drilled into the students' heads."

Her expression brightened a little. "That feels like a compliment."

"It was … is. Don't sweat the retest. Even though your moves were badly executed, I can tell you understand them. More practice will render your reactions automatic when needed despite what's happening around you … or in your head."

He paused. Rubbed his chin. Steepled his fingers, resting chin on forefingers. Dropped those hands to his sides. Shifted in his chair. Leaned forward. "Oh bloody hell. If you tell Matt what I am about to say, I'll deny it. Unlike my husband, I don't micromanage others' personal lives. However, Chris and I go way back, we've survived a lot together … so I know, I've experienced it … when he digs his heels in, he can be as stubborn as an ornery mule. At times too stubborn for his own damn good." Isak cocked his head and regarded the woman in front of him. "Though I bet you can go toe to toe with him in that department."

Aalin wanted to talk with someone; to share her hurt, to commiserate. Chris doesn't want me, isn't attracted to me. The kindest thing I can do for him is let my feelings quietly subside. If that is even possible.

Isak didn't miss her lowered head and eyes nor how her shoulders drew inward. Aalin's arms wrapped her around her body, hugging it. Her every affect radiated misery.

She began, "It's not fair to him if I …"

Isak shook his head. "No, just listen. I'm not interfering if this remains a one-sided conversation. Like a ship hitting the atmosphere at the wrong angle, Chris' decision to pull back from you and, I'd wager, subsequent clumsy handling of it, bounced the two of you onto wildly separate trajectories. And if something doesn't change soon, you may end up too far apart and never find one another again."

He continued, "Here's what I know that you don't. Chris is a guardian. It's one of his noble traits but it can be a blind spot. The very fact he feels this protective towards you should answer his doubts but because of … for good reasons … well the bottom line is those doubts remain. Which is his story to tell, not mine. And I'm not sure if he will ever be ready to share it. Can you look beyond that and take him on without knowing all of his past?"

ooooo

No duty shift and limited mobility left a lot of unfilled time for considering Isak's words. Aalin conceded hiding in her quarters for the next twelve months wasn't a feasible strategy. And recognized her absences only fueled rumors thus violating the self-made promise to keep Chris' secrets which in the end was the second most important reason for her. More than anything else, her every instinct called for nurturing the man, caring for him on good days and bad, holding his hand through dark times, supporting his aspirations, honoring his joys, drying his tears. A perspective rendering personal hurt and rejection insignificant.

Wanting privacy for this conversation, she messaged Chris: Please stop by my quarters when you have time. I want to talk.

ooooo

The hour was late.

"Thanks for coming," Aalin said.

"How are you feeling?" Chris asked before taking the time to sit. He had changed into civilian clothes, a rarity.

"Ah … OK. Rather foolish."

"You scared me this morning."

Aalin smiled at his admission. It quickly faded. No thinking about what might have been will make this impossible. She waited for him to take a seat then began simply. "I'm sorry."

"I think I … my seeing you … us unexpectedly running into each other beforehand contributed to the situation." He paused. "Accidents happen, an apology is unnecessary."

She shook her head, "No, not about what happened this morning. Well, I do regret that as well." Aalin reached for his hand and clasped it. "I made a commitment I'd work through our difficulties rather than walking away. Yet, at the first real bump in the road I broke my promise. For that I apologize. And in hindsight I realize the commitment must apply to our friendship as well. The reasons why I stayed away from you are unimportant in this moment. What matters is I want you in my life. In whatever way is comfortable … is right for you."

For the second time today, Chris let out the breath he didn't remember holding. And in another rarity for him no words appropriate for the moment easily flowed. Aalin reached out resting her hand on his cheek, cradling it. Chris closed his eyes and leaned into her touch.

No additional words were spoken; none were required. Chris placed his hand over hers. Time passed, neither knew how much nor cared.