STONKS
"Yes, everything's coming together perfectly." Nezu cackled as he clicked and typed on his computer. "No one can stop me now!"
Nezu opened his cart and basked in all fifty metric tons of tea he had ordered. He selected the 99.9% off coupon and applied it to his order.
"And now, for the moment of truth."
Nezu clicked buy. He licked his lips as he waited for the confirmation. To his shock, an alert showing his school out of funds popped up.
"Huh, we blew through this quarter's budget already? Better make a quick investment."
Across the ocean at Wall Street, an unwashed, scraggly man wearing a barrel twitched violently and pointed at the overhead display of NFT values.
"It's starting!" the hermit shrieked. "The white mouse strikes again!"
"Dude, what's the old fart rambling about?" one investor muttered as he veered away from the deranged man.
Gasps and shouts ran through Wall Street as the value of Red Ape climbed fifty million dollars. Investors hollered and clamored as they upped their bids on the non-fungible strip of code. Bored Ape shot up, followed by Greedy Ape, Grape Ape, and more. A full-on rush for the tellers ensued as investors placed increasingly ludicrous bids, ballooning the price even more.
All the while, the hermit huddled in the corner, staring at the blinking display of values with wide eyes. "Pride cometh before a fall, Icarus flies too close to the sun, the end is upon us!"
True to the hermit's words, Red Ape crashed in value. The investors stared aghast as their tacky art pieces sucked the money out of their bank accounts. Investors rushed to sell their pieces, taking increasingly low values as the market fell like a lead anvil. Once the values hit rock bottom, Dogecoin shot up in value, and investors rushed to cash in on the new coin craze.
As the cycle continued, the investors quickly found themselves out of funds. Desperate men pawned out their watches and three-piece suits, trading them for barrels offered by enterprising salesmen out front. Soon, Wall Street teemed with tear-stricken, barrel-wearing paupers crowding into elevators to the top floor. As men flung themselves from the highest floors, the building's manager set out the tarp to catch them all and funnel them into low-paying desk jobs at the local cubicle farm.
Once the market stabilized, only the hermit remained. His cackles echoed through the empty hall as he held his flip-phone aloft and shouted, "I made one dollar!"
The room immediately filled back up. "Which NFT did you invest in?"
The hermit proudly puffed out his chest. "I bought a government bond!"
The paupers grumbled and dispersed, leaving the hermit to bask in his single dollar.
Half a world away, Nezu stretched and marveled at his replenished funds. "Now that that's settled, time to buy some tea!"
He went to click on the buy button, only to find that the coupon had expired.
"A pity. Guess I should do some more investing!"
500
Don't buy NFTs or Nezu will come for you.