The First Step
Chris cupped her cheek. Still sleeping, Aalin leaned into his touch and smiled. A tiny, subtle, heartfelt gesture. One from instinct rather than thought. One that, for this moment, banished his doubts, and stroked clarity. Chris laid beside her and gathered her into his arms.
Soon ship and crew demanded their Captain's attention. While Aalin slept, as the ship drew back from the brink of calamity giving him time to think of other matters, Chris clung to her unconscious gesture; it became a touchstone anchoring him. His misgivings receded a little more. Anger vied with this doubt and edged it out, determination replaced his anger. A decision was made. While waiting he settled in with a book.
Aalin woke alone in Chris' bed. Outside the viewport stars appeared stationary; the room was silent. A clock read 9:46pm, its unusual twelve-hour format triggered the amused thought, Chris remembered I don't yet think in military time. She'd slept since early afternoon.
Her back and shoulders' ached; she rolled them trying to release tension lodged from hunching over the navigation console for over seven hours as they guided the ship out of the asteroid field aided only by her hearing, a team of mathematicians rendering frequencies into coordinates, and the skilled pilots flying the complex ship manually.
In the bathroom she found a neat stack of fresh towels, casual clothes in her size, a hairbrush, and other toilette items Chris had assembled and laid out. Her fingers lingered on the soft blue sweater left for her, memories of the morning during the Varian mission surfaced; they'd fallen asleep in the ready room after a late night of work. When she had fretted about being seen in last night's clothes and the ensuing gossip, Chris has offered his sweater. She'd replied, "Leave in your clothes? You might as well broadcast a ship-wide alert we spent the night together." The remembrance elicited a smile and the thought, Would that have been so bad? Her smile faded. A different choice that morning might have changed things.
While dressing she hesitated before removing Chris' crew shirt. It's touch, it's smell, it felt like him wrapped around her, a cocooning aura of safety and affection. Aalin considered smuggling it back to her quarters before admonishing herself to act her age and then folding the garment and leaving it on the counter.
Garbed in fresh clothes, hair detangled from sleep, Aalin plumped the pillows on the armchairs in the bedroom. She straightened a stack of PADDs on the small second desk. She made the bed. Sinking into one of the chairs a nervous chuckle accompanied the thought, You've committed a neatness. Mother would be so proud.
She and Chris had barely spoken in the two days since the shuttle wreck on the moon. Where we fought, where I violated all the boundaries he requested, where I propositioned him. Remorse for her actions that day flooded back. Stop procrastinating. You can't stay in here all night and day. Squaring her shoulders Aalin entered the living area.
Immediately Chris rose from his chair and placed the book in his hands on a side table.
He always does that, stands when I enter a room. It's old-fashioned and uncommon and … nice. She lingered in the doorway.
Chris beckoned her forward with a head tilt and the special faint smile given only to her, one conveying fondness and contentment. He held out a hand as she neared, once she clasped it he steered her to the sofa. The atmosphere of the room was intimate and cozy with low, soft light emitted from lamps rather than the harsher built-in ceiling and wall units. And the room was quiet, absent even of the gentle hum of ship's systems. Hearing strained from the hours of listening for pitch from geometric sound waves, she was grateful for the peace.
"Hey," he said tucking a stray lock of hair behind her ear. "Sleep well?"
"Yes. Very. Thank you."
"Hungry?" he asked.
A head shake accompanied her answer, "Not really, no. How are things?"
"Good. Repairs are ongoing. Damage control is in the mop up phase. We'll park here for a couple of days and run additional tests and conduct a few drills just to be sure nothing has been missed."
"That's … better than I expected."
"Yes," he agreed.
Aalin shivered and rubbed her arms.
Chris crossed the room and rummaged through a drawer. Returning to the sofa he draped a throw around her shoulders. "Power conservation is in effect. Temps are down five degrees throughout the ship. I could make you a hot drink."
"The blanket is enough, but I appreciate your offer. Was anyone hurt?"
"Bumps, bruises, a few broken bones, a dislocated shoulder," he replied. A sigh. "We were fortunate."
"I realize this sounds like I just fell off the turnip wagon," she began.
"Truck," he corrected.
"Whatever. Obviously that metaphor is accurate when describing me. These past couple of days have been a doctorate education in how fast things can change out here in deep space. It's like going from stationary to warp nine in five seconds. Or suddenly spinning one hundred and eighty degrees." She blushed and twined her fingers. "I must act and sound like a plebeian to you professionals."
"Sweetheart …" Vocalizing an endearment for her was a first for Chris. It was spontaneous and felt right. "… its nice seeing my world through your fresh eyes, again experiencing all its wonders for the first time. How many get that privilege?" Chris said. Then he grinned, "The slang for a first-year cadet is plebe by the way."
An announcement over the public address system reminded her Chris was managing the aftermath of a crisis, without off ship help, without backup, and without the possibility of rescue. Aalin moved to the edge of the sofa cushion preparing to stand, "I should go."
"Please stay." His answer was simple and earnest, almost a plea.
"You must have a million and one vital things to deal with and half the crew clamoring for your attention. I don't want to be in the way," she protested.
"We're over the hump. And even if that were not so, nothing is more important to me in this moment than you. In any moment for that matter."
Aalin sensed their relationship had shifted in the hours she'd slept, something felt different, yet she was unsure what promoted this change.
"Please," he repeated. Then added in an uncertain tone, "If you want to."
She resettled in the seat, leaning against the back of the sofa and crossing her legs.
His shoulders relaxed. All paths forward start with telling her everything. Now that the time had arrived, Chris found he welcomed baring the secrets and lightening their burden. There may be no road back, but damn it all to hell, neither will the Talosians win by default. He said quietly, "We need to talk."
Dread settled. Aalin inhaled sharply before saying, "I know. My behavior in the shuttle, it was so wrong, in fact reprehensible is a better descriptor and I am so …" Arm gestures accompanied her words.
He shook his head and pressed a finger to her lips. "No apology is necessary. What I have to say isn't about that, well it is, but not in the way you think." After positioning a chair in front of her, Chris sat in it and took her hands in his. She tilted forward and uncrossed her legs silently communicating there were no barriers between them. "I want … I need to tell you about … this will be easier if you let me get through it and then I'll answer any questions you ask. Okay?"
She nodded.
"You believe I'm not attracted to you. You believe this is the reason I pulled back from becoming your lover. My clumsy and limited explanations combined with hurts other inflicted on you fostered that conviction. For which I am truly sorry."
Aalin opened her mouth preparing to demur. Remembering her promise she held back.
"The opposite is truth. My attraction to you … my feelings for you … words are inadequate … but will have to suffice … I want you more than anyone from my past or present. Or future, which sounds cocky but isn't, not to me about you. You are the constant in my thoughts. I look forward to sharing with you the trivialities of my day. Protecting you is a physical need for me. I desire you. Not touching you requires more discipline than I possess. I …" his voice faltered. "And therein lies the problem."
Chris looked away for a moment and breathed deeply. Once recovered he said, "What I am about to tell you … this mission … and its details … are highly classified with compartmentalization." He didn't remind all of it was beyond her clearance level. Nor ask if she still wanted him to continue. Because he knew what her answer would be.
"Enterprise responded to a distress call in the Talos star system originating from the fourth planet. It was faked and a trap. We eventually found a way to break free, but the cost was … high. Very high."
"A ship had crashed there years ago; its sole survivor was used as bait. The Indigenous inhabitants detained me," he paused then snorted. "This sounds farcical when spoken out loud, like a cliched plot of a ridiculous movie. They kidnapped me in order to repopulate the surface of their world, the survivor of the crash intended as Eve to my Adam."
Aalin's brows arched.
"I know, I know. Most snickered at this point in the debrief. The Talosians moved underground millennia ago when war devastated their planet, it's surface ecosystem finally recovered and could again support agriculture and their lifeforms. But the impact of migrating away from the familiar open land and sky came with a price. The Talosian's mental capabilities outstripped their connection to the physical world and to their emotions. Evolution cemented these changes. The result is they can only touch and feel through other species."
"Their intellectual powers are astounding. And frightening. And dangerous …" Chris' eyes clouded, and he felt caged. Breathe, he reminded himself.
Aalin lightly squeezed his hands.
"They entrap with illusions based on desires they've read in your thoughts or invented in order to manipulate. The deceptions they planted in minds feels real … so real the illusion is indistinguishable from true reality."
He cleared his throat.
"The crash survivor was offered first. They even changed her appearance and placed us in a variety of imagined situations in order to force a response from me. The intention was she and I would fall in love and want a family. Or at the very least trigger lust and sex leading to a pregnancy. When that didn't achieve their goal the Talosians kidnapped other women from Enterprise and repeated the cruelty." Anger crept into his tone, "We were lab rats in a vicious experiment never consented to."
"But Aalin, biology is biology, pheromones can be imitated, pushed, and sparked; given enough of the right mix of hormones and stimulation …" his voice cracked, she felt the dampness in the palms of his hands. Chris shoulders hunched as he searched her eyes for the recriminations and shame he expected to see after extrapolating from his hints.
His pain was palpable and wrung her heart. Her eyes were soft and moist. A faint smile communicated her empathy.
Chris said emphatically, "This is why, I have to be certain, beyond any doubt, my feelings for you are genuine and not a figment of the Talosian's control. Pulling back was meant to shield you from the wounds caused by such a hurt." His expression echoed regret and misery. "Yet I still bruised your heart."
A lengthy pause. Chris stared at a spot over Aalin's shoulder then resumed eye contact.
"I don't know where we go from here, I don't know how we go from here," he finished in a quiet voice holding tightly to her hands as if they were a life preserver and he was stranded far from shore.
Neither knew how much time had passed when he asked in a weary and sad tone of voice, "What questions do you have?"
Aalin smiled then shook her head. "Enough for tonight. Questions tomorrow. I'd like to stay … if you still want me to."
After Chris nodded, she stood and tugged him to his feet. With a hand on his back she guided him to the bedroom. Words were not exchanged; both climbed onto the bed with backs resting against the pillows. Aalin opened her arms in an invitation, careful to keep the offer undemanding. Chris settled his head against her shoulder; she brushed hair off his forehead and rested her cheek against it.
Tears held back too long trickled; she murmured soothingly as he wept. Her hand stoked his arm. Within thirty minutes he slept.
A couple of hours later Chris grew restless. Aalin used the opportunity to coax him prone, gently resting his head on the pillow. Not wanting him to wake alone, she spooned around his back and tucked the covers around them.