TEXAS

The class sat in tense silence while Nezu contemplatively drank a cup of tea. "I could simply deactivate the firing sequence," Nezu muttered, "But where would be the fun in that?" Then he snapped his fingers. "Power Loader, beam us down to Texas."

"You have a Star Trek transporter on the Death Star?" Ojiro asked.

"It's my doomsday weapon, I'll do whatever I want with it!"

They rematerialized in a small dusty town. A lone tumbleweed rolled past red-necked hillbillies toting shotguns and heavyset men wolfing down greasy hamburgers and fried chicken.

Nezu sniffed the air. "Gunpowder and frying oil, this is Texas alright!"

A gunshot rang out, and a man fell clutching his arm. An ambulance swooped out of a nearby alley and hauled him onto a stretcher. "No, please!" the man cried. "I can't afford the premium!"

Nezu shook his head. "Poor tea-dumping bastards."

Nezu herded the class past a set of batwing doors into a dimly lit saloon. A grimy man missing half his teeth polished a beer glass behind the bar. "Don't know how young they do it in Vietnam," he growled, "But the drinking age is twenty-one. I can offer you guns though."

"We're here for the Hank Special."

"Finest slab of chuck this side of the Mississippi. Coming right up."

The hamburger that emerged from the kitchen sagged over an enormous plate of fries, bedecked with rivers of cheese, crowns of bacon atop each frisbee-sized beef patty, fried onions, fried pickles, fried tomatoes, and enough melted butter to lube up a sumo wrestler.

Yaoyorozu paled. "Please say that isn't for me."

"No better way to gain some body fat," Nezu answered brightly! "Hurry up now, Earth's running out of time."

Yaoyorozu gulped and sat before the greasy monstrosity. On her first bite, her entire body jiggled. Her thighs and belly swelled out as fat visibly grew in folds.

"Ugh, I think I'm sweating butter."

"Lard, actually. Keep going, this'll need a lot of glass."

Once Yaoyorozu finished, everyone rolled her back out the saloon doors. With the Death Star glowing ominously overhead, Nezu said, "That ought to be enough. Make a mirror, as big as you can."

Yaoyorozu grunted as an enormous shard of glass shot out from her distended stomach. Her body shrank on itself as the glass stretched from horizon to horizon and blocked out the sun.

"Perfect! Now, it should be firing in five… four… three…"

A flash of green light pierced the heavens. It struck the mirror, crackled along the silver plating underneath it, and shot back into space.

"There! Wasn't that a fun way to save Earth?"

"Is it me or is it getting colder?" Shoji asked.

"I solved global warming too. You're welcome."

"Should we be worried that the laser might hit something?"

"Eh, I'm sure it's fine."

"Also, aren't we forgetting something?"

As Mineta drifted through space, a green flash darted towards him. It missed his face by a few inches.

"Phew! I almost died there!"

499

Everything's bigger in Texas.

Also, this is getting an omake on Sunday! Because, honestly, I can't resist.