The Shot That was Heard Around the Multiverse

Previously on Deku Ex Machina…

Yaoyorozu gulped and sat before the greasy monstrosity. On her first bite, her entire body jiggled. Her thighs and belly swelled out as fat visibly grew in folds.

Wait, no, not that. Anything but that. Go forward a little more…

As Mineta drifted through space, a green flash darted towards him. It missed his face by a few inches.

"Phew! I almost died there!"

Nope, too far, take it back a few lines.

"Shouldn't we be worried that the laser might hit something?"

"Eh, I'm sure it's fine."

Perfect. Now, space is empty. Like, really empty. Emptier than Kaminari's noggin after going all Pikachu on everything. Mineta happened to be floating close enough to Earth that the laser had a fair chance of incinerating him down to a few stray carbon atoms and sparing the feminine half of humanity his presence, but everything else? It's akin to finding a needle in a haystack, except the needle is on the far side of the moon and the haystack is full of angry honey badgers.

Having said all that, one might be forgiven for thinking that a laser fired off into the cosmos would sail through without ever hitting anything of consequence. That line of logic, however, has one small problem. Space is infinite. The odds of surviving a pack of pissed-off honey badgers might be nearly zero, but across an infinite number of attempts to ward off said honey badgers, God might take pity on you once and plop a flamethrower in your lap. You'll still die, by the way, I was just giving a hypothetical example of how probability works.

Therefore, as ridiculously improbable as it is for a laser fired randomly in space to encounter anything at all, across the infinite span of the universe, it will inevitably collide with something important.

What follows are accounts of a few of those important things.

A Laser with a Massive Effect...

Shepard watched from the bridge as countless Reapers bore down on the tiny HSA fleet assembled before Earth. She knocked back a bottle of Serrice Ice brandy, salvaged from Chakwas' office, and passed it to Joker while Garrus downed his own dose of dextro-liquor.

"It's been quite a run," Garrus said. "Hard to believe that just the two of us made it out alive. With my luck, I figured I'd be the first to go."

"Hey, what do you mean by 'two of us'?" Joker groused. "What am I, chopped liver?"

Garrus grinned. "In about five minutes, yes."

"Touché."

A voice filled the Normandy, echoing from everywhere and nowhere at once. Shepard. Come forth and meet your end.

"Ooh, sounds ominous," Garrus said. "How are they doing that?"

Joker sifted through the ship's data. "They've patched themselves through our comms. Here's an idea, why don't we hang up on them, for old time's sake?"

"Let's play along for now," Shepard ordered. "Maybe there's a way to talk this out."

Garrus snorted. "Where have I heard that before?"

As the ship drifted towards the mass of Reapers, one leviathan drifted forward until it was almost touching the ship. Shepard. First human specter, savior of the Citadel, the last flickering hope for this cycle. Out of all possible paths you could have possibly taken, you have, by far, made the most mistakes humanly possible. You even made a few our simulations could not have anticipated.

"Hey!" Shepard shouted back. "I did my best! It's not like I had any help!"

You lost both Ashley and Kaidan on Feros. You spared Morinth, only for her to turn on you. You lost your crew, even Doctor Chakwas, dithering on side quests before going through the Omega-4 Relay. Half your crew gave their lives at the collector base, and you didn't even destroy the half-finished Reaper.

You let the Geth and Quarians annihilate each other, lost the allegiance of both the Krogan and the Salarians by botching the genophage cure, accidentally disabled the Asari homeworld's defenses while searching for the Crucible, crashed Palaven's moon onto the Turian homeworld, and brought indoctrinated Rachni onto the Crucible. Your crewmates are all dead, your allies have deserted you, the Crucible is destroyed, and the Harvest has begun.

Garrus shrugged and said, "The Reaper's got a point. Not sure how things could have gone any worse."

"Quiet!" Shepard hissed. She cleared her throat and said, "That may all be true, but I have one last trump card to play. Stand down and return from whence you came, or I will annihilate every single one of you."

"Ooh, 'whence', nice word choice there Shep!" Joker swigged the last of the brandy.

Your empty threats will not deter us, Shepard. Your death is inevitable.

"Well, it was worth a shot. Fire the main cannon!"

"Time to go out in a blaze of glory," Garrus said as he aimed the Thanix cannon. "I've calibrated this bad boy for three years, it's time to make it count."

As the cannon fired, a green laser engulfed the entire Reaper fleet. Once the light faded, nothing remained of the Reapers but stray wisps of plasma swirling in the vacuum of space.

The comm activated, showing Admiral Hackett surrounded by throngs of drunk and cheering officers. "I don't know how you did it, Shepard, but you've saved the galaxy. On behalf of all of mankind, thank you for your service."

"Uh, no problem. Shepard out."

Once the channel closed, Shepard sagged into her chair. Joker whistled and said, "About damn time something went right for once, am I right?"

Garrus stared out the window, towards where the light had come from, and said in an awed voice, "What I wouldn't give to calibrate that gun."

To Boldly Go, Where No Laser Has Gone Before...

"Captain's log, Stardate 42069.7. The Enterprise drifts through empty space en-route to our next destination, some remote planet with heretofore undisturbed life which I will inevitably disrupt even though it goes against Starfleet doctrine."

"Captain! Ve have an unknown energy signature on a crash course vith our ship!"

"Can you say that in English, Chekov?" Captain Kirk asked. "I don't speak Russian."

Spok rolled his eyes. "He said that we have an unknown energy signature heading for our ship. It would be wise to engage evasive maneuvers and activate our sensors to find out where this disturbance is coming from."

"We could do that," Kirk said. He sipped from his coffee mug and gestured towards the pinprick of green light. "Or we could fly straight towards it."

"Why would we do that?"

"I'm not saying we should. I'm just pointing out our options."

"What was the point of pointing out an option if we aren't going to consider doing it?"

Kirk slammed his coffee mug on his chair, spilling coffee everywhere. "You know what? Maybe I will have us fly straight towards it!"

"Um, guys?" Chekov asked. "It's getting closer."

"And maybe I'll incite a mutiny among the crew and wrest the bridge from your control!" Spok shouted back.

"And maybe I'll make a mutiny against your mutiny and take my bridge back!"

The Russian navigator stared in terror at the incoming laser on his display. "Captain! Your orders?"

Both Kirk and Spok turned on the Russian and shouted, "Quiet!"

The laser slammed into the ship. The Enterprise rocked violently, and the lights flickered ominously before the power and steering stabilized. Silence filled the bridge as Kirk leaned forward and spoke into the intercom. "Scotty? What are the damages?"

"The laser tore through the red-shirt's quarters! Every single one of them was vaporized!"

"Their sacrifice will be remembered," Kirk said solemnly. "Anything else?"

"Well, the laser also destroyed the coffee machine in the break room."

Tears rolled down the captain's face. "No, not the coffee! Anything but the coffee!"

Spok groaned and said, "Kirk, there's a spare machine in storage."

"It's not the same!"

"In any event, we need to acquire reinforcements for when we inevitably run into hostile forces."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm calling HQ." When the line connected, Kirk said, "Hey, could you send over fifty red-shirts? All of ours died in the line of duty bravely defending their comrades or whatever. Oh, and send another coffee machine, extremely important, morale will plummet without it."

"No problem!" the operator said. "Beaming them directly to your crew quarters."

Captain Kirk closed the line. "There. Problem solved."

Spok facepalmed. "Captain, they're being sent to the crew quarters."

"Yes. And?"

"The crew quarters that just got vaporized by a passing laser."

Beyond the bridge's viewing deck, red-shirted figures drifted past, blue-skinned and eyes bulging from the vacuum. A coffee machine drifted past, with a fresh pot leaking blobs of brown liquid into zero-G space.

"Grab the coffee machine!" Kirk shouted at a floating corpse. "Yep, that's it, just a little closer! Nope, no, dammit, you were supposed to grab it! What do they teach you guys these days?"

Spok sighed and said, "This is going to be a long voyage."

A Long Time Ago, In a Galaxy Far Away...

On a barren planet on the far edge of the Outer Rim, former-Emperor Palpatine gazed upon the Death Star floating in orbit and cackled maniacally.

"Finally! After spending all my remaining resources, I have finished my new Death Star! There's no possible way the rebels could destroy the Death Star a third time. I even made sure to remove the exhaust ports and Millenium Falcon-sized hole straight to the ship's core. With this, I shall assert complete dominion over the galaxy and have unlimited power!"

A bright green flash lit up the barren planet's sky. The laser collided with the Death Star, vaporizing it completely, and continued undeterred through the universe.

Palpatine stared at the lingering dust cloud that remained of his life's work. Despair welling up in him, the Sith Lord raised his head to the empty sky and shouted with all his hatred and despair, "Nooooo!"

Wubba Lubba Dub Dub!

Rick lazily tightened the bolt on his latest mechanical invention while Morty awkwardly stood around and gazed at the boxes of gadgets littering the garage.

"Hey Rick? D-do you get the feeling that there's supposed to be some kind of, uh, like a big green laser thingy crashing through here any moment from now?"

"I know *URP!* exactly what you mean, Morty! That's why I already captured it in this fancy box thing I whipped up." Rick held up a clear glass case filled with flickering green light. "Might finally get to replace that micro-universe I've been using for a battery. Here, catch."

Morty fumbled at the box casually tossed his way. It hit the ground and shattered, and the laser blasted through the Sanchez residence, leaving behind a blackened landscape and scouring all life from the planet.

Rick sighed and deactivated the force field that sprung around him and Morty. He kicked at a box fragment at his feet and said, "What part of 'catch' do you *URP!* not understand? You're lucky I just invented a device to rewind the entire planet by thirty seconds. Watch."

Rick hit a button. The world blurred around them, and everything reappeared in bright pastel colors and wavy, indistinct shapes.

"Huh. Didn't realize I had this thing set to Dali. Welp, it's all out of unobtanium for now, so I guess *URP* this is home until we get back to Florbax V and make another deal with the Meepmorp."

"I-is Jessica going to be okay?"

"Who cares. This bit's dragging on too long anyways. Quit hogging all the screen time, Morty! No one likes an interdimensional cable with just one ad playing the whole time!"

"Ooh, can we watch that next?"

"Fuck yeah, interdimensional cable, Dali edition! Wubba lubba dub dub!"

See You Later, Space Cowboy

Spike nervously paced outside the kitchen while _ fried up some broccoli on his skillet.

"Let's go down the list again," Spike said.

Jet nodded. "Faye?"

Spike took out a tablet and grinned. "Still locked in the brig."

Faye looked directly at the camera and shouted, "Hey! I need to use the restroom!"

"That'll be forty-seven billion woolong," Spike said into the intercom.

"Forty-seven… I'll shove those woolong down your throat when I get out of here!"

Spike put the tablet away. "That's Faye settled. What about Ed?"

Jet rattled a bag of dried mushrooms. "Put a few of these in the kid's soup. He's been swimming in his bedsheets for the past few hours gaping at imaginary fish.

"A giant mushroom!" Ed said, transfixed. "Maybe it's friendly!"

"What about the dog?" Jet asked. "Knowing our luck, it might make a snack out of our stash."

Spike tapped the kennel at his feet. "Ein's not going anywhere. Isn't that right, you mangy little mutt?"

Ein gave Jet the saddest puppy eyes in the galaxy. Jet quivered where he stood and blinked away a few tears. "Look at him… he looks so sad!"

"Stay focused!" Spike snapped. "Forty-seven billion woolong. Repeat it after me."

"Forty-seven billion… forty-seven billion…" Jet took a deep breath as he completed the mantra. "Be strong, Jet. Be strong for the ship repairs."

"Be strong for the hot showers we'll finally fix."

"For the new cookware!" Jet eagerly added as the handle fell off his skillet.

"Broccoli and beef with no broccoli."

"You still need to eat your vegetables, Spike."

"Ugh, we've had nothing but vegetables for years! I'm eating nothing but meat for a month straight!"

"Your funeral."

Spike took a drag of his cigarette. "You know, things are finally looking up for us."

"Nope, don't you start. You know ole' Murphy has it out for us."

"Come on, Jet, live a little. We've got the whole ship locked down, no one knows we've got the dough, and we're an hour away from cashing out. What could possibly go wrong?"

The ship jerked violently, sending half-cooked broccoli all over the kitchen floor. Jet sourly glared at Spike and said, "That. That could go wrong."

They raced to the cargo hold. Mangled metal and seared scraps of money drifted out into the vacuum of space.

"Who fired at us?" Spike asked.

"There aren't even any ships in range."

"So, what, we got hit by some misfire?"

Jet shook his head. "What did I tell you, Spike? Murphy's got it out for us."

Footsteps made the two of them turn around. "Hey boys?" Faye twirled a pair of handcuffs around one finger. "Where's my forty-seven billion woolong?"

A/N: figures on my one day off for the week my internet craps out. At least it came back up in time for me to post this before I go to bed.

Anyways, I've been turning this over in the back of my mind for a while now. Thought it'd be fun to shake things up a bit. Let me know which one's your favorite!