02:5 – Floating Shadow – Part 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion or any of the characters they are the property of their respective creators. Please be aware that no profit is being made from this work of fan fiction.
The journey to Nerv was terrifying as usual, Misato breaking just about every traffic law imaginable as we headed across the city. When a car just missed us by the merest fraction of an inch, I subconsciously reached out and captured Shinji's hand in my own, the warmth of his palm comforting me to some extent. It was strange, for some reason he had chosen to sit in the back with me today rather than taking his usual position in the front seat next to Misato. I offered silent thanks to whatever force had caused this sudden change as I squeezed his hand gently as yet another car flew past, careening out of the way.
By the time we finally reached the main access way, I was a nervous wreck. I couldn't help but feel Misato's driving had been worse than usual today for some reason; normally it didn't bother me quite so much. I wondered for a moment how Shinji felt about it and risked a glance over at him only to find his eyes were closed…I wondered if he had closed them because he was afraid, hoping to shut out the world as it passed by. Observing him for a moment longer, I watched the regular pattern of his breathing, the way his chest rose and fell in a regular pattern. In that moment I finally realised…he was asleep. That he could have fallen asleep during such a nightmarish ride amazed me, truth be told I would have expected him to be more afraid than I was. For a moment, I wondered if the meek and apologetic boy I spent so much time ridiculing was truly the real Shinji, having both seen and heard of his actions in battle, it almost seemed as if there were two of him. My thoughts were interrupted when suddenly he opened his eyes and turned his head so he was looking right at me.
"Asuka…"
Despite myself, I felt shivers run up my spine as he spoke my name. I noticed his eyes had changed their focus, now looking down at the space between us…
"…can you let go of my hand?"
For a moment, I sat there, in a stunned silence, brain not fully able to comprehend what he had just asked. As I looked down, I finally realised what I had done subconsciously before and carefully released my grip upon his hand. He nodded his thanks before getting out of the car, I realised then that Misato was already outside when our little conversation took place. That was rather lucky, had our purple haired guardian heard or seen any of that, she wouldn't have stopped teasing me about it for months. Pushing the thought aside, I stepped out of the car and followed both Shinji and Misato towards the train that would take us down to the geofront, deep within the bowls of Nerv.
As we stepped off the train, we headed for one of the many moving walkways that frequented much of the main building, Misato separating off from us after a few moments, heading to the control area while we headed to the locker rooms. Shinji and I travelled in silence, following the events of this morning and what happened in the car I felt uncertain around him and so I felt unsure about starting a conversation. Instead I allowed my mind to slip back into my thoughts, trying to understand what it was that was forming between us…when I drew a blank I suddenly found myself needing to ask him something when he split off and disappeared into the men's locker room. It seemed for now I had lost my chance so I resolved to ask him once the tests were over.
Upon entering the women's locker room I found it empty, most likely wondergirl had already come and gone. I walked over to my locker and pulled it open, retrieving the bright red plug suit before depositing it on the bench and starting to take off the school uniform I had dressed myself in. As I slipped off my underwear and began to pull on the soon to be skin tight plug suit I allowed my mind to wander…my thoughts drifted back to the incident this morning, to what might have happened if Shinji had entered only a moment earlier, had entered the bathroom when I was still naked…most likely I would have screamed and slapped him, calling him a pervert. Although I had not been aware of it at the time, part of me had wanted him to ravish me right there, to touch me in the ways the Shinji from my dreams did…yet, I knew it was impossible. Shinji just was not like that; he had barely reacted that time when I explained thermal expansion, and that time I had been very nearly pushing my breasts in his face. I had glanced at him briefly at the time, wondering if he was suffering from a little 'thermal expansion' of his own, yet I found no evidence of a reaction. You would almost wonder if he actually liked girls but the brief flickering of desire I caught in his eyes confirmed that he was attracted. Most likely, he didn't respond to me that time for fear of what I would do to him, his fear overriding his hormone driven desires…it was ironic in a way, all this time I had been calling him a pervert and yet here I was wanting him to fulfil my cravings by touching me in intimate ways. I would have slipped deeper into my fantasy right then had it not been for an irritated sounding Misato coming over the intercom.
"Asuka! Hurry up and get your butt out here, we're ready to start."
I sighed before finishing zipping up my plug suit and depressing the button on my wrist that caused the suit to compresses, moulding to fit my form. I pushed the door to my locker closed and headed out, walking in the direction of the testing area.
The tests proceeded as usual; we sat in the test plugs, immersed in LCL, trying to synchronise our mind with our Evas through the various strange linkages that led from the testing room to the Eva cages and the Evas themselves. From what I had been able to glean from listening to Dr Akagi, this method was slightly less efficient than interfacing with the Evas directly but for some reason it was often preferred, something about binding…a moment later Misato's voice issued forth across the comm., interrupting my thoughts. When I heard those words issue forth from her lips it felt as if I had been stabbed. Never, since the time I had first begun my training had I been anything but the best. Always, mine was the highest synch ratio, despite Shinji's unprecedented advances.
Now it seemed that rather than slowing, as anyone would have expected, he had continued to climb, finally surpassing my ratio. He truly was the number one Evangelion pilot, first in both test scores and number of kills. The boy with no training, the boy who never stepped inside an Eva before he went out to do battle with the third angel, the boy who I called 'idiot' and 'pervert' so often, the boy who spent so much of his life apologising, the boy who hated his father yet who craved even a few words of praise from the man, the boy who I had started to care for had beaten me; and I hated him for it.
No sooner was I allowed to exit the entry plug I stalked over to where he waited, looking at me with the deep blue eyes, a mixture of elation and confusion written into his face. He opened his mouth as I closed the gap between us, no doubt to ask me something when I struck him hard across the face, rendering him silent. For a moment he simply stared at me, gaze never wavering, hurt leaking into his eyes even though his hand made not movement towards his face. Even as the flesh darkened and I was almost certain that it would bruise, he did not turn away. Once more, I found myself catching a glimpse into a different part of him, this one most likely the part that drove him into battle and turned him into the great slayer of angels. My temper flared as I began to feel he was mocking me, hiding beneath a weak exterior while beneath lay great strength while I, so hollow inside hid beneath a mask of strength. I fled from him then, running to the locker rooms, trying to force the image of his face from my mind.
On entering the locker room, I almost immediately pressed the button that depressurised my plug suit, letting it fall from my body and pool on the floor. Not caring about the suit, I left it where it lay, advancing in the direction of the showers, intent on washing away the blood like smell of LCL that clung to me. As the warm water washed over my body, memories of that morning flooded into me and I felt my anger rise at the memory of how he had looked at me. Where as before I had hungered for his touch, if not his gaze, now I could stand neither one. I wanted him to go far away from me, to stop mocking me with his soulful eyes. I turned the faucet and the water quickly turned to cold, even as I shivered beneath the freezing torrent I burned inside with deep-seated hatred, the blending of fire and ice purging my mind. When finally I tuned off the shower I was decided, I would allow him to effect me no longer, I would stand for no other position than that of top pilot and no one would stand in my way…not even Shinji.
I left Nerv soon after, heading off on my own as I could not bear the thought of returning to the apartment, too many reminders of him remained there, it would take quite some time before I could stomach their presence once again. I decided to head towards Hikari's, despite the fact it was still relatively early and she would most likely be at school by the time I reached there lessons should have ended and if I were lucky I would catch her just as she was arriving home. I seemed I was rather fortunate in that regard for as I stopped outside the door to her family's apartment she was just heading up the stairs leading into the building. When she finally reached where I was waiting, she looked at me with questioning eyes, silently asking what I was doing there. I shook my head in reply, indicating that I would rather talk inside. She sighed before moving forwards and opening the door and leading me inside.
She led me into the kitchen and indicated I should sit at the kitchen table while she made us some tea. As she brought it over and I sipped at it, I was once more struck by how bitter Japanese tea is, such bitterness…in so many ways my life was like this tea, so filled with bitterness. As we sat there and drank our tea in silence, I found the anger that at first had driven me fading into the background as it was replaced with a feeling of emptiness. When Hikari finally asked me what was wrong and I found myself unable to answer…I no longer wanted to tell her of what had happened with Shinji. I shifted the topic of conversation away from it, asking her instead about the days events at school.
It seemed that a number of things had happened in our absence, someone had started a rumour concerning myself and Shinji, indicating that we were more than simply co-workers. Hikari had moved to stop these rumours before they could get out of hand yet she informed me that her progress was slowed by the other two stooges continual references to myself and Shinji as the 'newlyweds'. A bit of ear pulling was all that it had required to obtain Suzahara's silence, Aida following suit for fear of being punished as well. The rumours had quietened after that yet still it seemed that questions remained in the minds of our classmates, she warned me to expect a grilling from the other girls when tomorrow.
We spoke for a while longer, the topic of conversation changing many times until finally I excused myself and departed, never once having allowed the topic of conversation to drift onto Shinji. I gave my farewells and left the apartment, heading towards the train station, intent on catching a train back to Misato's. I was still fairly early in the evening so it was not certain whether Misato would be home yet, she had indicated before that she had a lot of work to do. As I travelled alone in the near empty carriage I allowed my mind to wander and once more found my thoughts returning to Shinji…still the anger remained towards him, I was mad that he had beaten me even now. Yet, now I felt sorrow at how I had acted, beginning to realise that he had no choice in what he had done.
Sooner than I would have expected. I reached my station and departed the train, heading from the station back to the apartment building, wondering what I would do or say if Shinji was already there…as it turned out he was, already in the kitchen, part way through the act of creating what would most likely be tonight's dinner. If he noticed my entry into the apartment, he made no sign, his attention seemed to be focused entirely on his cooking. I slipped past where he worked, heading straight for my room. As yet I was still trying to sort my feelings out and for now I did not believe I could face him. I entered my room and pulled the door closed, laying down upon my futon and allowing my eyes to slide closed…I woke to the sound of Shinji's voice calling, saying that dinner was ready.
I ate in silence, never once speaking to Shinji nor Misato. Once or twice, I caught his eyes drifting towards me though I never returned his gaze, uncertain what my eyes might reveal. I did risk a quick glance when his eyes were elsewhere, my gaze immediately drawn to the darkened flesh upon his cheek where I had struck him earlier. I could tell it was slightly swollen and was still fairly red yet it seemed that I had done no lasting damage. Once I finished my food I departed the table without a word, returning to my room. There I undressed and slipped into my bed, praying silently for a dreamless sleep.
The next morning I woke once more from one of those dreams, although this time Shinji had been playing a dominant role, forcing me to submit to his will. The submissive posture was something I neither liked nor wanted, yet perhaps it had been my resentment towards his accomplishment that had crafted my dream in such a way. As ever I was left weak in the knees by the dream Shinji's actions, running to the shower at the first opportunity…my relaxation was soon to be interrupted when the angel alarms sounded, signalling the next angel had finally arrived. I fled from the shower, hurrying to get dressed and follow Misato down to her car. This time Shinji had returned to his usual place in the front of the car as we took off, Misato's driving if anything worse than the day before.
We arrived little more than moments later before we hurried to the locker rooms and then to our Eva's. Already the angel was hovering over the city although as yet it had made no move to attack. This angel was quite strange; it seemed to be little more than a black, striped sphere floating high above the ground. Across the comm. channels, I could hear the bridge crew arguing, something about the Magi being unable to confirm its pattern. I snorted in disgust at that statement, what else could it be other than an angel, nothing normal acted like that…a moment later Misato contacted us, issuing our orders. I was to take point while Shinji and wondergirl supported from behind. That in itself surprised me, Shinji now held the highest ratio, why shouldn't he lead the attack…I said as much over the comm. to Misato, she started to object before being cut off by Shinji. He took my place and almost immediately moved to engage the angel…
As soon as his first shot fired and the angel seemingly disappeared, I knew, something was not right. The shadow beneath his feet suddenly solidified, sucking Eva Unit-01 downwards along with the surrounding city. I heard someone screaming that the pattern had changed, now identified as blue, Misato calling for both myself and Rei to move away lest it devour our Eva's as well…yet, none of that mattered. The only sound I truly heard was Shinji's voice as he kept calling out, asking someone to help him…his cries continued right up until the point at which Unit-01 completely vanished before the sphere reappeared and the comm. with Unit-01 fell silent. In that instant, I felt a terrible regret burning inside me even as I already knew now it was too late…
Chapter preread by That Other Guy