COYOTE

"What'cha doin?" Hagakure asked as Bakugo painted a tunnel into the side of a cliff.

"I've finally found a robot's greatest weakness. They can't tell real images from fake ones. It's why they struggle so much with finding the crosswalks on those online captcha safeguards."

"What's the painting for?"

"I'll make Deku run into it, so it'll shatter into a million pieces!"

"Why would you want to shatter the mountain?"

Katsuki facepalmed. "Not the mountain, Deku!"

"You need to stop using object pronouns for Midoriya, it's really rude."

"It. Is. A. Robot!"

Hagakure sighed. "And you're a sad, strange little man."

"Did someone mention me?" Mineta asked, staring directly at Hagakure's chest.

Bakugo grinned. "Yeah, Hagakure was just telling me that there were a bunch of hot single heroines looking for action on the other side of that cave."

Mineta's eyes bulged out of his head. "Big titties, here I come!"

He sprinted full-tilt into the cliff-side. Pebbles tumbled down as Mineta stumbled away in a clumsy daze.

"Wow, these sugar mamas have some rock-hard abs." Mineta groped the air in front of him and fell over.

"See?" Bakugo asked. "Works like a charm."

Hagakure chuckled. "Alright, I'll give you that one. But how are you going to get Midoriya to run into it? He's not even here."

"That's the easy part. He'll be here any moment now."

"Why?"

"Plot convenience."

"Breaking the fourth wall isn't going to-"

"Hello classmates," Izuku said. "I am here now, because plot convenience."

"You need to head back to camp as soon as possible," Bakugo said.

"Why?"

"Because computers – villains, villains are attacking!"

"They are? But I do not detect any anomalous lifeforms."

"They have an anti-radar Quirk. Also, that cave is a shortcut back to camp."

"But according to Google Maps, the shortest route is to run thirty miles upriver, climb up a treacherous gorge, and take a bus back to the campsite."

"They also have an anti-GPS Quirk."

"Oh wow. I better hurry, in case they have an anti-clock Quirk too."

"That's right, so run through that cave as fast as you can."

"Okay Kacchan!"

Izuku took off like a bullet. He slammed full-tilt into the cliffside with a deafening crack. When the dust cleared, an Izuku-shaped hole went clean through the rock and out the other side of the mountain.

Peering through the hole, Hagakure saw the camp up ahead. "Huh. That really is a shortcut."

Bakugo walked towards the hole and slammed his face into an invisible barrier before the hole Izuku made.

"Seriously?" Katsuki asked, holding his broken nose. "How does that even work?"

A boulder, disturbed by the final impact from Katsuki's face, tumbled down the cliff. A shadow grew under Katsuki's feet. He looked up, just in time to see the boulder land next to him and crush Mineta.

From underneath the boulder, Mineta dug out an arm and said in a muffled shout, "I'm okay!"

Then an anvil fell through the rock and slammed into Mineta.

500

Turns out I've got COVID. Yay.

Feels like I'm on the tail end of my symptoms, so I should be feeling reasonably human again for the weekend. It's nice not having to work until next Monday, but I'd prefer it if I was actually feeling okay enough to do anything besides stare numbly at YouTube videos for hours on end, nap, read fanfiction, and drink matcha with stupid amounts of honey mixed in. Like, I'm talking two parts honey per part matcha. Absolute heaven for my sore throat.