Title: Doubts 2/9

Author: Egwene

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of his relatives, friends, lovers, professors, enemies… pets, sex toys, sexy looking godfathers or gorgeous werewolves of his acquaintance D

Summary: AU – James and Sirius are a couple and living together after Hogwarts, but when James plans a romantic dinner with his boyfriend, not everything goes according to plan… Is Sirius hiding something from his lover?

A/N: I had this idea when I was coerced into writing a fluff drabble by Prongs. I had to write it.

Thanks to Sophocles for the incredible beta. What would I do without you?
Thanks to all the people who reviewed the first chapter! You made me want to post more. I hope you enjoy chapter 2 as well D

Chapter 2: Where it's a good idea to tell the truth the second time around

James had always thought a simple kiss was the best way to be welcomed home; he quickly realised how wrong he had been when he was knocked out by Sirius as soon as he crossed the threshold of their flat. Not even realising he had dropped his keys, he struggled to breathe as Sirius held him tight, kissing and licking every bit of flesh he could find.

Before long they were both half naked on the floor of the living room and Sirius reached out for James' waistband, trying to get him out of his pants without releasing his hold on him. The shirt had already been taken care of, and had been thrown out in haste, in the vague direction of the couch.

"I missed you today," Sirius managed to whisper between kisses.

The pants were definitely an old memory when the clock struck five-thirty and James jerked up.

With great difficulty and will power, he managed to stop Sirius' ministrations and tried to control his erratic breathing.

"We have to be at Remus by six, love. Stop."

Sirius froze.

"Remus?"

"Yes, he came by my office today. Apparently, he and Lily have some big news to tell us and they invited us for dinner."

Sirius slowly stood up, looking embarrassed and ashamed, either because of his earlier behaviour or his lie, James could not tell which.

Sirius extended a hand and helped James up without a word, then turned around and started to collect their clothes, the previously naughty mood clearly forgotten. James watched his usually chatty lover bemusedly; whatever Sirius was keeping from him was a big issue and he was not merely slightly worried about what it could be. His shoulders slumped, Sirius was moving slowly around the living room, picking up shirts and trousers as he went, and James let his lover collect his thoughts, he would wait for Sirius to be ready to talk.

However, when he heard the first sob coming from Sirius' lean form, he walked to where he was standing, just outside their bedroom, and, coming behind him, put his arms around his lover's waist, holding him in a tight embrace. He pressed his cheek against the taller man's shoulder blades, never letting him out of his hold.

They stayed like this for a few minutes, until the tears dried in Sirius' eyes and he was able to speak.

"Are you mad at me, James?" he asked in a voice that lacked his usual confidence and strength.

James heart ached to see the man he loved more than anything hurt like this and promptly decided to put him at ease.

"Of course not, Sirius. You know I can't be mad at you."

He heard Sirius' loud sigh and felt some of the tension leave his body. He went on, "But I wish you would tell me what's wrong. We promised each other we would be honest all the time, we swore that there would be no secrets between us. You know you can tell me everything, love."

There was no accusation in his tone, only understanding and love.

Sirius turned around and looked briefly in James' hazel eyes before circling him with his arms, placing his head on James' right shoulder, relishing his warmth.

He took a large breath and released it before speaking.

James was prepared for the worst by now, and waited anxiously for Sirius' explanation. They would probably be late to Remus', but he couldn't care less; Remus was their best friend, he was sure he would understand. They would Floo-call him later in the evening.

He felt Sirius hesitate, and he tightened his hold on the other man to reassure him of his affection.

"I… I wanted to tell you yesterday, but… I was afraid of your reaction." Sirius paused but James didn't press on, he simply waited for him to continue. "I saw Regulus yesterday," he said in what was little more than a whisper.

He continued in a rush, wanting to let it all out before his famous Gryffindor courage failed him.

"He owled me in the morning; he said he would be in Hogsmeade in the evening, and asked me to meet him at the Hog's Head. He said he had something important to tell me; the tone of the letter was urgent. He reminded me that whatever had happened between my parents and me, we're still brothers. I… I couldn't say no. I knew you wouldn't want me to go, but no mater what happened, he's still my brother, and I wanted to see what he had to tell me. You know he could have been in danger or something, he's still young, and…"

"It's okay, Sirius, calm down," James said as he ran smoothing circles on Sirius' back. He added in a calm, quiet voice, "It's okay, love. I understand." He pulled back a little from Sirius' arms and placed a tender kiss on his lips, trying to show his acceptance and forgiveness.

Gently, he took his lover's hands in his owns and led him to sit on the bed, carefully ignoring the fact that they were still both half naked.

Sirius was not looking at him; he was toying with his hands on his lap, the nervousness from earlier clearly not completely forgotten.

"What did he want?" James probed gently, sensing the distress emanating in waves from his lover.

"He … he explained he had just joined the Death Eaters," Sirius murmured.

A shiver ran through James' body. "What?" he exploded, his yell disturbing the all too quiet flat.

Sirius jumped, startled by James' sudden loudness, but James' hand on his arm made him remain seated.

"I'm sorry, love. I didn't mean it like that. Would you care to tell me more?"

James hoped that he had not scared his lover; Sirius tended to close on himself when he couldn't cope with the events in his life. It had taken James three full months to know what had happened with his family to finally make Sirius run away at sixteen.

Ever since, Sirius' family, and especially his younger brother Regulus, had always been a touchy subject.

"He joined the Death Eaters during the summer. He showed me the mark on his right arm. It's awful. How could he do something that stupid?" Anger was piercing Sirius' subdued voice.

"I should have prevented that. I know what you think, James, that he's just one of them, but he's still my brother, and I can't stop caring about him – even in a weird way. I know he's not that bad, I mean, he did it to please our parents, I'm sure he doesn't truly believe one word of that pure-blooded crap he's advertising. But ever since I ran away, he had to fill in and be the heir to the Black family. I didn't leave him any option. Joining the Death Eaters was just one more step."

Sirius stopped and looked at James, his grey eyes showing his unconditional love for the man in front of him.

"I know how you feel about him. I knew you'd be angry that I went to meet him. I know I shouldn't have lied about it but… I guess I didn't want to ruin the evening."

He paused again, swallowing his guilt with great difficulty.

"I would have told you, eventually, James, I swear I would have told you. Can you forgive me?"

The look in his eyes was pleading, a silent prayer, telling more about how sorry he was than any words could have.

James had remained silent during the entire speech, waiting to hear everything Sirius had to say, knowing very well that if he interrupted him, the beautiful man that shared his life would lose all courage and stop before the end.

He should have felt anger and disappointment that Sirius had lied to him, but curiously, all he felt was love and concern. He knew Sirius hadn't lied to deceive him but because he didn't know how to tell him the truth. Added to the fact that Sirius was more than remorseful and that Regulus was indeed still a taboo between them, there was no reason for him to be angry with his best friend.

When he saw Sirius expecting his answer, almost waiting for him to scold him and maybe leave him, despite his earlier reassurance that he wasn't mad at him, James smiled.

There was little that Sirius could do that could make him stay angry with his lover for long, and surely a chat with his brother – no matter how much he despised the said brother – was not amongst those things.

He raised his hand to Sirius' chin and forced him to look at him, Sirius having gone back to toying with his hands.

"Sirius, look at me, love," he ordered. Sirius complied, his grey eyes clouded with unshed tears.

"Of course, I forgive you." Sirius allowed a small smile to emerge on his lips.

"I love you. I just wish you had told me." Sirius nodded.

"You don't have to lie about your brother or anything else, you know? You can tell me anything." He quickly deposited a loving kiss on Sirius' expecting lips.

"It's true that I don't like your brother, but you should be able to tell me about him, okay?"

"Okay," Sirius answered in a strangled voice, the emotion barely contained.

"Hey, don't worry. It's over." James hugged Sirius tightly once again so they could both feel the powerful feelings that united them.

"That's not all, isn't it? He asked you to join them as well." James voice was still gentle but firm.

"Yes. I refused of course. How could he think that I would accept something like that? After that, I left, and I came back home. I'm sorry James, I should have told you the truth."

"I know you would have told me in your own time, Sirius. It's okay. I know you care about him," he said truthfully.

"Yeah. I'm afraid of what's going to happen. I don't think he has the backbone to be a Death Eater, not the kind that survives anyway. I'm afraid they're going to kill him."

"You have done everything you could, Padfoot. It won't be your fault, you know."

"Yeah. I still feel responsible, though."

"I know."

James and Sirius was still locked in each other's arms when a few minutes later, they heard Remus' voice coming form the living room fireplace.

"Hey guys! It's six thirty. Lily is wondering what happened to you!"

James looked at Sirius' tired features. "Maybe we can postpone this till tomorrow if you aren't up to it."

Sirius brushed away the last tears on his face and smiled.

"No, it's okay. It will feel good to see Remus and Lily again. Can you go and tell him we'll be there in fifteen minutes?"

"Absolutely, if you're sure." James wanted to go and see his friends, but not if his lover needed him to comfort him more. There was nothing he couldn't do for Sirius.

"I'm sure."

James quickly put on a shirt and a pair of trousers that were lying on the floor and headed for the living room.

Remus' head was still waiting in the green light of the fireplace, looking worried. His look rapidly turned into an amused one when he took in James' dishevelled state as he watched his friend coming from the bedroom.

"Sorry, Moony, I know I promised we'd be at your place by six but something I hadn't anticipated happened."

Remus raised a questioning eyebrow.

"Sirius went to see Regulus in Hogsmeade," he answered the unspoken question. "It seems he has joined the ranks of the Death Eaters."

"But he's only sixteen!" Remus exclaimed.

"I know. And Sirius was upset about it, we had to talk and I forgot the time, I'm sorry."

"No problem, mate. Are you still coming or should we put it off? I'm sure Lily would understand," Remus offered.

James was touched. Of course he had known Remus would understand, but it was always nice to be reminded of what a great friend he was.

He smiled. "No, Sirius said he wanted to come. And I, for one, am curious about the great news you're supposed to announce to us. Give us fifteen minutes to get ready."

"Right. I'll tell Lily. Just call if you need more time."

"Thanks Moony. See you in a few."

Remus' head popped out of the fireplace and the green flames disappeared with him.

Wondering what he could wear and more importantly if Sirius was okay, James walked back to the bedroom he shared with his lover.

About fifteen minutes later, James and Sirius apparated with a loud crack in front of Remus and Lily's door. They rented a nice flat in another district of London, nearer to the Ministry where they both worked. Remus would have preferred to become a teacher; they all had always felt he would make a great Defence Against the Dart Arts professor, but he had had to be realistic and cope with the fact that nobody – not even Dumbledore – would hire a werewolf for a teacher, even if the position at Hogwarts had been open.

Even if he had taken a post at the Ministry gladly, James was sure that Remus had not abandoned his dream, and he hoped his friend would see it realised one day. After all, change would be good at Hogwarts, because Defence had been taught by the same old, boring fool for the last fifteen years, and sometimes, even Binns' lessons were more interesting than the Defence ones.

James glanced at Sirius before knocking on the door; his lover wore a dark blue silk shirt and black trousers that reminded him painfully that they had interrupted Sirius' welcome home party before getting into the interesting part. He hoped they would correct that mistake later that night, if nothing else, to affirm to Sirius that he had really forgiven him and that he loved him with all his heart.

They shared a small smile, all previous distress erased from Sirius' beautiful face, and he knocked on the door.

Lily was the one who let them in, dressed in a tight black dress that underlined her thin silhouette and made her hair seem even more flamboyant. She was truly a magnificent woman, and even James and Sirius, gay and smitten with each other, could not avoid noticing her.

Remus came from the kitchen and kissed his girlfriend lightly on the cheek. He hugged Sirius and James, and refrained from mentioning Sirius' brother, not wanting to darken the mood unnecessarily.

"Dinner is almost ready."

They all went to seat in the living room on two dark red couches facing each other, near a large fireplace where flames warmed the atmosphere.

James and Sirius loved having dinner at their friends' place because it was always a great experience for them. Both James and Sirius came from pure-blooded families and they only knew about Muggles what they had learned in Muggle Studies at school or what their friends had taught them – not much. They could survive in Muggle London, as long as Diagon Alley was nearby.

But Lily was Muggle born and Remus a half-blood, and their flat had at least as many weird Muggle devices as wizarding ones, if not more. Each evening the two wizards spent in that strange and foreign environment was a delightful surprise, and laughs were usually shared at Sirius' expense, since he couldn't refrain from touching everything.

At first Lily had been more than upset because her 'weird Muggle contraptions' as Sirius called them, ended broken more often than not, but she quickly realised that her shrieks wouldn't be enough to scare off the ex-Gryffindor, especially once he had explained about his mother, and she took upon herself the task to detail every object he might find interesting before he could break it. Sirius' curiosity was often satisfied before anything ended up in pieces on the floor, and the tacit arrangement remained.

James and Sirius looked at Remus and Lily eagerly, after Remus had poured each of them a glass of champagne. In a shaking voice, Remus broke the silence.

"I asked Lily to marry me and she said yes. We're engaged! The wedding is scheduled for next May," he said enthusiastically.

Congratulations flowed forth from the two dark haired men as they hugged the happy couple.

With tears in his eyes, Sirius was the first to say he had always suspected they were made for each other, and James followed, asking the joyful man what had taken him so long to propose.

They all sat back and drank the champagne, toasting the future married couple's happiness.

Remus then asked Sirius to be his best man, and the Animagus agreed with joy. The werewolf apologised to James, explaining he could only have one best man, but before he could lose himself in confused excuses, James patted him on the back, telling him there was absolutely no problem, as he realised how much it meant to Sirius.

Dinner was ready by the time they had finished the first bottle of champagne and they opened a second one to drink during their meal.

It was much later, after dessert had been savoured and much alcohol consumed that James even remarked that Peter wasn't there. Remus explained they hadn't succeeded in contacting him, and they hadn't wanted to put off the celebration with Sirius and him. James shrugged and forgot quickly about it. Peter was indeed difficult to join these days; maybe his job was keeping him really busy.

When they decided to call it a night, the effect of the alcohol had pretty much dissipated, and the two lovers were able to Apparate back to their flat, waving off Lily's concern and her offer to call them a cab.

They hugged the happy couple one last time before Disapparating with a loud crack.

Once back in the intimacy of their apartment, they swiftly undressed and James took it upon himself to show Sirius that he loved him every bit as much as Lily and Remus loved each other, even if they hadn't formed vows to demonstrated it publicly – yet.

Next chapter: Where some ideas are discussed and others are kept hidden