Title: Doubts
Author: Egwene
Rating: T
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of his relatives, friends, lovers, professors, enemies… pets, sex toys, sexy looking godfathers or gorgeous werewolves of his acquaintance D
Summary: AU – James and Sirius are a couple and living together after Hogwarts, but when James plans a romantic dinner with his boyfriend, not everything goes according to plan… Is Sirius hiding something from his lover?
Thanks to Sophocles for the incredible beta. What would I do without you?
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Chapter 3: Where some ideas are discussed and others are kept hidden
"Morning, love."
"Morning, James," Sirius answered with a yawn.
He turned to face his lover in their bed and scooted closer to kiss him.
James savoured their first kiss of the day, like he always did. This was by far his favourite moment of the day; sure, he enjoyed when they kissed at any moment, and he definitely liked the long nights of shared passion, but nothing could ever compare to their first kiss morning ritual. It showed love and tenderness more than any other gesture could do.
It was a sacred tradition.
Whatever that they had planned to do for the day, they woke up together and kissed before anything else.
It had started shortly after they had moved in together, when James worked long hours at the Ministry – the benefit of being the newest and youngest employee – and he often had to get up early and come back late at night. Sirius had taken to waking up with him and kissing him good morning before falling asleep again.
At first, James had been surprised, as Sirius was not a morning person; with Peter and Remus, they had spent seven years at Hogwarts sharing the duty to drag him out of bed every morning, but since that first day, not a morning had passed without both of them waking up to that first kiss.
James smiled at his still-sleepy lover. That ritual was the symbol of their relationship. It conveyed how much they were ready to put up with to make it work. Nothing was more important to either of them. He knew he sounded sappy and contended, but that was what having Sirius in his life did to him.
While he was lost in his thoughts, Sirius had dropped his head on his chest, using him as a giant, soft pillow.
"Do you have to work today, Sirius?" James asked, stroking his boyfriend's long soft locks.
"Hmmmm," Sirius answered drowsily.
"Is that a yes?" James chuckled.
"Yep," Sirius replied, not moving from his comfortable spot.
"I'll see you for lunch, then?" James continued, mostly because letting Sirius falling asleep again was certainly not an option.
"Okay."
James chuckled again; it was very hard to draw out more than one-word replies from Sirius on mornings, especially when their late-night activities had prevented them from sleeping their much-needed eight hours.
Thinking about how sweet and passionate their lovemaking had been when they had returned from Remus and Lily's, he grinned and placed a chaste kiss on Sirius' forehead.
"Thank you."
"For what?"
"Last night was wonderful. I love you." Another kiss on the lips.
"I love you too, James." Sirius looked up at his lover, fully awake now. "You're sure you're not mad at me for not telling you about Regulus?"
"Absolutely." He looked into Sirius' grey eyes. He had always marvelled at the colour of his lover's eyes; they never looked the same from day to day. Today there were more on the light-blue side of grey. "Sure, I would have preferred your telling me on the moment, but as I told you yesterday, it's okay. I understand why you were afraid of telling me. Don't worry about it."
They shared another sweet kiss before James decided it was time to get up, or else they never would. Sirius' head fell back on his pillow, and he snuggled closer to James' pillow to make up for his lost warmth.
"If you get up, I'll make you breakfast!" James tried.
And just as predicted, Sirius jumped out of bed in the direction of the bathroom.
James headed to the kitchen, wondering how Sirius would have ever managed living alone. He smirked, thinking that he would have been entrusted with the task to get him up even if they didn't live together. Sirius was his best friend, after all.
Fifteen minutes later, they were sharing a huge breakfast over their kitchen table. It hadn't required much work from James, since they did almost everything by magic in their apartment, including cooking. Neither of them had really understood how to do it the Muggle way without extensive damage to their surroundings, despite the hours-long explanations from their friends.
"So, were you surprised by Remus and Lily's announcement last night?" Sirius asked, back to his usual chatty self.
"Yes, I was. Why? Weren't you?" James answered, taken aback by the question.
"No, not really, I guess. I knew Remus had been wanting to propose to her for ages. I didn't know he had found the courage to do it, though." Sirius replied, chewing happily on a sausage.
"I didn't know that. But then, you've always been closer to Remus," James said.
He was reminded of how, when he had first noticed how close Remus and Sirius had grown in sixth year, he had been jealous. Jealous of Remus because of all the time Sirius spent with him, and jealous of Sirius because of the intimate confessions Remus made to him and to no one else. Sirius was his best friend, and even if James loved Remus like a brother, he had felt somehow cheated on when the two of them started to spend so much time together. They had all these secret conversations, and always grew quiet whenever he entered the room. They had tried to convince him he was imagining things, and that they weren't keeping secrets from him, but James knew better. No one could steal his best friend from him. It irked him so much to think that Sirius probably told Remus things he never told James about. He didn't understand why Sirius had had the sudden urge to confide in Remus rather than in himself.
In their seventh year, he had realised why it bothered him so much to see Remus and Sirius so close together. He was in love with his best friend.
After a few months of internal debate, he had gone to see Remus to have a little heart-to-heart with him, and to find out if he and Sirius were in love with each other. Remus had told him there was nothing going on between them, other than a strong friendship, and had helped him devise a plan to find out if Sirius was interested in him or not. But he had refused to tell him what Sirius talked to him about.
Much later, when he and Sirius had finally admitted being in love with each other, he had discovered that he was the main subject in Remus and Sirius' conversations. Sirius had confessed to being in love with him to Remus at the beginning of their sixth year, and Remus had tried to help him.
When James had learned how Remus had helped both of them, he had been very surprised. Although he knew their werewolf friend was good at keeping secrets, he would never has portrayed him as a devious man - but he was, and James was so glad about that.
"In fact, I thought he was going to announce to us that Lily was pregnant," James said, taking a sip from his tea. He had had the entire afternoon to think about it. True, he had mostly thought about why Sirius would have lied to him, and that had distracted him quite a bit, but he had been intrigued about the important news Remus was so excited about, and he had been convinced he was speaking of a baby. He didn't know what he had ruled out a marriage announcement; he just had, subconsciously.
Sirius looked up, surprised. "Really?"
"Yeah."
"And what did you think about that?" Once out of his sleepy state, Sirius had a very curious nature, to the point where it could be annoying at times, but that morning everything felt so perfect to James, and nothing could have ruined the mood.
"Well… I don't know… I guess I was a bit surprised since they aren't married or anything. Plus they're both very young."
"Go on."
"And…Well…" James didn't know how to phrase his thoughts. "You know, with Voldemort's menace out there, having a baby now isn't the most clever idea, I think."
"So what? People should stop having babies because of that freak with his power hunger and pure-blood mania?" Sirius' tone betrayed his latent anger each time the Dark Lord's name was spoken.
"No. That's not what I meant… but maybe now is not the right time, especially since they're both quite active in the fight against Voldemort and his Death Eaters, you know. What could happen to their baby if they were both killed or captured?" James tried to keep his tone reasonable, as he knew how Sirius felt each time that particular subject was broached. He supposed it reminded him too much of his horrible family, all the more now that Regulus had become a Death Eater himself.
"But we're active too. We're just as much a part of the Order as they are!"
"Right. But we're not having a baby either, love. We never even discussed it," James replied, somehow astonished at the turn the discussion seemed to have taken.
"Right. Anyway, I'm sure they're gonna have a great wedding!" Sirius said cheerfully.
James was confused by the abrupt change of subject, but he realised that Sirius indubitably didn't want to darken the mood of their breakfast, particularly since he still had to feel a little guilty about his lie.
He really had feared James' rejection the day before, and James knew Sirius would avoid any kind of confrontation for a few days at least, until he was completely sure James wasn't angry with him.
He sighed. Whatever he did to assure Sirius he could never leave him - no matter how badly he screwed up – Sirius would never let go of that particular fear, and when they fought he was always the one to back out first and to come to James later to make up.
James didn't complain; make up sex with Sirius was great - hell, any sex with Sirius was wonderful - but he wished he could persuade Sirius to trust him more.
There were times when he was very angry that Sirius seemed to think so little of his love for him, but he knew his best friend too well not to see where it came from. After all, he was the first person to tell Sirius he loved him. His friend did not have the chance to grow up in a loving – normal – family like he had, and it was somewhat hard for Sirius to adapt, no matter how pleased he was about the change.
He had once told James he sometimes thought it had to be a dream because he was so happy with him. James had smiled and hugged him tightly before pinching his arse to demonstrate it was quite real.
James knew only time and love would take care of his lover's issues, and he had promised himself he would be patient.
With a start, he realised Sirius was watching him intently.
"You seemed lost in your thoughts, " Sirius commented.
"Yeah. I was thinking how great it was going to be to see you having to refrain from killing Lily's bridesmaid." James smirked.
Sirius gave him a puzzled look. "Why?"
"Didn't you hear? Lily had asked her sister Petunia-"
"You're kidding?" Sirius looked at James with pleading eyes. "You're not kidding. Merlin. I'm dead." He groaned.
"Cheer up. It could have been worse."
"How?" Sirius asked in a desperate voice.
"I don't know. She could have asked someone from Slytherin. That Umbridge girl for example."
"I'm not sure it would have been worse. Have you ever talked to Petunia? She hates everything that's magic-related!" Sirius snorted.
"Luckily they're planning on a Muggle celebration-"
"What?"
"Were you even there last night? Did you pay any attention to what they were explaining?" James asked. He knew Sirius had been distracted the night before, but he hadn't comprehended the extent of the damage.
"Could this actually get any worse?" Sirius whined.
"Yes, love. You could be late for that interview you told me about."
Sirius looked at his watch. Nine. His eyes widened in panic, he jumped off his chair, kissed James good-bye, and in the blink of an eye he was out of the flat.
James sighed happily. He loved those intimate moments they shared, like a casual breakfast when he didn't have to hurry to the Ministry. Saturdays were good. Of course, Sundays were better, because Sirius rarely did work on Sundays, and they usually enjoyed breakfast in bed, after making love for most of the morning.
He stood up and started to clean up the remains of their meal, wondering where they could have lunch.
Finally, four hours later, Sirius joined James at a new restaurant they had wanted to try for weeks in Diagon Alley.
Sirius seemed a lot quieter than he had been at breakfast. He seemed troubled.
James asked about the interview.
There was a huge debate at the Ministry of Magic about the underage use of magic. Some new lobbyist thought that the coming of age should be lessened to 16, so that younger wizards could defend themselves if they encountered Death Eaters. But most of the conservative wizards thought that their parents were there to protect them should such an encounter happen, and that there was no need to revise the law. A few attacks had occurred against mixed-blooded families, and the new – and younger – wizard group had gained some political support.
Sirius had interviewed the leader of the new faction all morning; he was a busy man and the young journalist has been astonished to hear he could do an interview.
Sirius had been very excited about this, and his attitude afterwards seemed a bit odd in comparison.
"You're okay?" James asked, concerned.
"Yeah," Sirius answered, not looking up from his dish.
They enjoyed the rest of the meal quietly for the most part, James working hard at making conversation with an unusually distracted Sirius.
James sighed. Realising Sirius would not tell him what was wrong, he tried to remember what, in the previous weeks, could explain the sudden gloomy mood of his partner. He had been fine that morning.
He realised that his lover had reacted in pretty much the same way the previous week and the week before that. Each time he had been cheerful in the morning and dull at lunch or at dinner. There was no pattern he could discern, but something was clearly amiss with Sirius. That much he could tell.
For two weeks now, his lover comported himself in a bizarre way, and each time James had brought up the subject, Sirius had dismissed it, saying everything was okay. James was surprised he had not realised before that moment that these 'distracted moods' had to be related. Some lover he was!
What could bother Sirius so much he could not talk about it with James?
What could have happened this morning during the interview to make such a drastic change in Sirius' behaviour?
James was lost. How was he supposed to help Sirius if he would not tell him what upset him?
"Is it about Regulus?" he asked bluntly. That was the only plausible explanation he had in mind.
"What?"
"You're absent. Distracted. Are you worried about your brother?"
James hoped it was the right explanation, even if he could not see how it fit into the two-week period.
"Yeah. You know, I don't want him to die. I guess, speaking about Death Eater attacks this morning wasn't the best idea," Sirius replied in a subdued voice.
"Okay. Is there something I can do?"
"No. I'm sorry I'm not good company, James."
"It's all right. I understand you have a lot on your mind. No problem."
Sirius smiled. "Thank you," he whispered.
But James wasn't relieved at all. There was something else to it, he could just feel it. There was something Sirius was hiding.
He would not start an argument there. He had a sense of privacy - no matter what every teacher at Hogwarts could think – and he didn't want to fight when Sirius was already down. Plus, it was just a hunch.
But there had to be an explanation to Sirius' weird behaviour for the past weeks, his quietness whenever they got together for lunch, his horny state when they met at the end of the day – not that James was complaining – and his lying about seeing Regulus.
An idea suddenly struck him. What if Sirius hadn't really told him the truth about Regulus?
No. Sirius wouldn't lie to him twice, would he?
This was so confusing. He couldn't ask. Sirius would get angry and answer that James didn't trust him enough. But he did. He did trust Sirius. There was only that thing between them recently, like a gap that grew from day to day. He didn't know how he could have missed these little clues. But Sirius was definitely more distant these days.
He refrained from groaning out of frustration.
The day before, in his office, he had almost believed Sirius was cheating on him. He didn't want to believe that, but was it really as far-fetched as he wanted it to be? Surely Sirius didn't do anything to alleviate his doubts.
He promised himself to be extra careful to his lover during the next weeks, and to have some kind of proof before he could draw any conclusion. After all, Sirius loved him; he wouldn't betray him, would he? James was giving him everything he needed, right?
Somehow, James didn't sound so sure about that as he could have two days before.
They were now enjoying a chocolate cake, when he noticed Sirius was absently scratching his left arm.
"Have you consulted a mediwizard about that rash?" James asked between two bites of the succulent dessert.
They had discovered one morning, three weeks ago, an ugly, red rash on both Sirius' arms. The next morning it had disappeared, but it had reappeared later on his legs. It had disappeared again, to come back on his back, and so on…
After a week, James had grown worried and insisted Sirius go and see a mediwizard. That was the last time they had talked about it.
"Oh, yes. I forgot to tell you. I went… last week. He gave me a potion so it wouldn't itch so much, and something to put on it. He said it was nothing to be concerned about, that it would go away pretty soon on its own," Sirius said in a rush.
James frowned. Another clue. Sirius wouldn't go to see a mediwizard and not tell him about it, especially since he knew how much James had been worried about the rash. It was true James had forgot to ask about it, but Sirius hadn't seemed bothered by it lately, and it had slipped his mind.
He hoped Sirius was telling the truth. Sure he didn't look sick or anything, so it was probably nothing important, but why was he acting so weird?
His last though as they left the restaurant – after leaving the five galleons due on the table – was, 'I love you so much, Sirius, please, don't leave me'.
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Next chapter: Where it's a bad idea to eavesdrop