02:10 – Confrontations
Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion or any of the characters they are the property of their respective creators. Please be aware that no profit is being made from this work of fan fiction.
Its been three days now and nothing has changed, Shinji remains lying motionless in his hospital bed, the only signs of life being the gentle rise and fall of his chest and the soft tones of the monitor hooked up to his heart. The doctors are losing hope, they don't say anything but I can see it in their eyes…I'm losing him and there is nothing I can do to stop it, just like with my mother…
I remember going to the hospital day after day, watching as she cradled that doll as if it were me. As time passed I felt as if all the joy and sadness was being squeezed out of me, little bit at a time. When at last I had come back from that first synchronisation test that had proved I was a viable candidate and had led to my selection as the Second Child I had in that brief time felt the joy I had thought I had lost returned to me…right up until the point where I found my mother hanging from the ceiling.
I won't loose him that way…I can't. I haven't left his side all this time; afraid that if I do he will slip away…I've only left once, that was when he first came here. I had to return to Nerv; when I arrived at the hospital I was still in my plug suit and I needed to change. The LCL was drying on my suit and in my hair, the blood like smell certainly not what I wanted him to wake up to…I slipped into the locker rooms without meeting anyone, changing out of the plug suit before taking a shower and redressing in my school uniform. I had planned to go straight back but as I was leaving I was intercepted by Misato, flanked by a pair of Section-2 agents.
I was forced to follow them to the Commander's office before the two agents departed leaving us both in front of his des;, it seemed that the sub commander would not be present for this debriefing. We waited for a moment, standing in silence as he surveyed a series of paper strewn across his desk. All the while my fists itched as I longed to strike the bastard, to unleash my fury at the way he treated Shinji. After what seemed like an eternity he finally looked up, fixing me with his gaze, even from behind those reflective lenses I could feel his eye boring into my own.
"Pilot Soryu, up until now I have been lenient with you, however, in light of your recent actions I find that my patience is at an end. If you do anything even slightly resembling your behaviour earlier today you will be spending the rest of your time here in the cells, understood."
The last part was not a question, but a statement. I gave a nod in response, fighting down the feelings of betrayal to Shinji I felt at having to submit to that man. He dismissed me immediately before turning his attention to Misato, no longer acknowledging my presence. I walked out, not wanting to waste another moment in this place, as I made my way out the door I just caught the Commanders next words.
"Now major, it is time that we discuss the future of the Third Child…"
When I arrived back at the hospital I found him alone, exactly as he had been when I had left. Part of my mind screamed at me, trying to bring to my attention a vague memory of someone walking past me…whoever it was they weren't here now so it didn't really matter anymore. All that mattered was I was back here with him and until he woke up I vowed not to leave his side. I pulled up the chair that was next to his bed and sat down, trying to get comfortable. I settled my head so it rested against his arm and closed my eyes, listening to the regular sounds of his breathing and the steady pulse of the heart monitor.
Rather than the nightmares that had haunted me since the day my mother died or the erotic dreams in which Shinji would torment me with sweet pleasures of the flesh I found myself reliving old memories of the time I first arrived in this place. From the first day we had met on the carrier 'Over the Rainbow' I had misjudged him, only seeing the meek exterior and knowing nothing of the strength that lay beneath. Looking back on the days that followed I began to see them in a different light, during the training to fight the Seventh Angel at one point I had ended up getting into the wrong bed when coming back from the bathroom. When I woke the next morning I found that Shinji had moved on to the floor and leaving the bed for me alone. If he had truly been the idiot and pervert I accused him of being he would have stayed, perhaps even taking advantage of my proximity. Instead he acted honourably, something I never even thanked him for.
As that memory faded another surfaced, this time of the period surrounding the attack of the Eighth Angel. I recalled how I had teased him when he was struggling to understand thermodynamics, asking if when I placed my hands on my breasts to warm them if they would grow larger or smaller. Of course he had become flustered, blushing heavily before trying desperately to change the subject. It was ironic that the very lesson I had tried to teach him would be the one he used to save me…another thing I did not realise until later was the fact that he had willingly plunged Unit-01 into the lava, without the protection that Unit-02 was afforded by its repulsive diving suit the nerve feedback must have felt as if he was being burned alive. Yet, when I saw him afterwards he seemed fine, simply relieved that I was ok.
The images continued as other memories were brought to the fore and with the passing of each one I realised more and more the magnitude of the debt I owed to him. My sleeping mind vowed that I would make it up to him, if only he would awaken and return to me…
"Asuka…"
My dream world shook as it echoed with the sound of his voice, my still sleeping mind believing it must be nothing more than a delusion.
"Shinji…"
I breathed out his name even as my mind struggled for wakefulness, holding on to the faint glimmer of hope that the sound I had heard had not been little more than my imagination. I lifted my head slowly, using the back of my hand to wipe the last vestiges of sleep from my eyes even as I allowed them to come into focus. For a moment I fixed my gaze upon the far wall, waiting for it to become something more than a blurry haze. As it did so in my peripheral vision I saw Shinji's upright position, the fact that his eyes were now open. At once I turned myself to face him, locking my eyes onto his. For a terrible moment I was afraid, afraid tat this was simply a dream and all too soon I would wake up to find he was still in a coma. Tentatively I asked him, needing him to confirm that this was real.
"Shinji?"
"Yes."
That single word of affirmation brought my defences tumbling down; I buried my head against his chest and at last allowed my tears to fall, grateful that my prayers had been answered.
I don't know how long I spent like that, face pressed against the reassuring warmth of his chest, tears continuing to flow and dampen the front of the hospital gown he wore. When at last my tears came to an end and I had composed myself enough to once more look upon those twin blue orbs I found myself tongue tied, unable to say the words I so desperately needed to tell him. I sat there, once more upon the chair that I had spent so many hours upon as I held my silent vigil at his bedside, looking down at my hands folded in my lap and trying to find the courage to say those three simple words to him…
I love you.
When at last no more tears would come I released my hold on his shirt and sat back on the chair. My eyes felt a little sore from crying so much, never before had I allowed myself to shed so many tears…I knew I could no continue this way much longer, every time an Angel would appear and we were sent out to battle against it there was a very real chance we might not return, Shinji had been lucky this time to come back alive. I knew now that I would have to tell him before the next Angel, I could no live with the thought of losing him before I could tell him I loved him…
I barely noticed the sound of the door to the hospital room opening, the sound of shoes clacking against the tiled floor signalling someone had stepped inside.
"Asuka, is Shinji…"
At once I recognised Misato's voice and felt bile rise in my throat. I was still yet to forgive her actions during the last battle, I could not let go the fact she had sided with the Commander, that she had almost allowed him to be killed…she stopped talking mid sentence, no doubt on seeing Shinji was awake. Suddenly I heard her footsteps resume, the clacking of her shoes against the tiled floor becoming almost a constant sound, telling me she was running. She swept past me, seeing nothing but Shinji, pulling him at once into a tight embrace. She had no right to be touching him, holding him like that. When at last I recovered somewhat from the shock I grabbed her by the shoulder and pulled her away from him, spinning her round so she was facing me.
"Just what in the hell do you think your doing? How can you act like nothing happened?"
"Asuka…"
For the first time in three days I saw her face clearly. There were dark circles around her eyes that like mine were red and slightly puffy. I knew she had been crying, no doubt not sleeping either as she was haunted by the memory of what she had done…it was because of that that I could not, would not forgive her.
"No Misato. You sided with him; you turned your back on Shinji. What gives you the right to ever touch him again?"
She stood there, stunned into silence. Both she and I knew there was nothing she could say, she had sided with the Commander and had it not been for Unit-01 Shinji would not be here with us.
"Asuka…please stop shouting at Misato. Please calm down and tell me what happened."
I was shocked by his words, feelings of hurt and betrayal began to surface, and it upset me that he was defending her rather than me. He tried to reach out to grasp my hand but I stepped away, not willing to accept the contact lest I lose myself in the cool softness of his touch and let go of the anger inside that has sustained me for so long…
"How can you take her side? She betrayed you!"
He let his hand drop, sadness now showing clearly in his eyes. For a moment I hesitated, he had only just come out of a coma…his next words wiped such thoughts away as once more the rage swelled inside me.
"Asuka…I don't know what Misato did but I don't believe she would do something like that. If we can just talk about this…"
I could not believe he was defending her still, despite the hints I had been giving. No longer willing to hold back I came out and told him, stating the truth before storming out of there, no longer ready to look upon either of them.
"There is nothing to say! She left you for dead, abandoned you to the mercy of that man who calls himself your father! I have nothing left to say to her…"
I ran from them, tearing down the plain white corridors, seeking an escape from that place and from them even as fresh tears began burning my eyes. I spent the remainder of that day crying round at Hikari's. When I got there she did not ask me what was wrong, simply led me inside and ushered me to her room. Once the door was closed I broke down completely sobbing openly, Hikari offering me comfort as best she could. In my heart I knew he had not meant to upset me, he had after all been in a coma these past few days and thus knew nothing of what had happened…yet, despite that part of me remained mad at him offering her his forgiveness, selfishly wanting him to offer it only to me and no other…
The next day I felt somewhat calmer, the tears had helped to alleviate some of the emotional turmoil inside me and I felt ready to face the world once again. As Hikari and I walked to school I silently vowed to myself that I would go to visit Shinji, to apologise for my behaviour of the day before, a desperate attempt to salvage some of the trust that had formed between us. Because of this I was not truly paying attention when we arrived, ignoring the questions of my classmates, keeping my head down and thus missing something important, never realising it until the teacher started role call…
"Ikari, Shinji?"
I was about to speak up and inform the teacher that he was still in hospital when someone else spoke out, interrupting me.
"Here."
For a moment I was frozen by shock, could it be I was imagining it? That his voice had simply been a figment of my imagination? If so then why did the teacher continue as if someone had answered? Could it be that he really was here? Cautiously I turned round, casting my gaze backwards towards his desk…for an instant our eyes met and at once I could see the concern flickering in the twin blue orbs. Shocked, I turned away quickly, not yet ready to face him. It wasn't until lunch that I found out about his reaction, the terrible sadness that had shown in his eyes before they went neutral once again…
"Asuka…you have to talk to him. You can't keep avoiding him like this."
Hikari and I had gone up to the roof to eat lunch today, partly because I enjoyed the view but mostly because I wanted to avoid Shinji. My earlier resolve had evaporated and now I felt afraid to face him…the great Asuka Langley Soryu afraid of Shinji Ikari, who would have ever thought…since my courage had failed me in the hospital, when I had been unable to tell him how I felt, to say those three simple words to him despite the fact he was in a coma and could not have heard, I had been plagued by doubt, by fear of rejection. Since my mother's death I had never allowed myself to love or be loved, Kaji had been perfect because deep down I knew my feelings could never be returned, but still I deluded myself into believing that if I worked hard enough he would accept me. In opening my self up to Shinji I had become vulnerable once again, leaving myself vulnerable to the heartache of losing someone I loved. At least if I did not tell him, if he did not respond in kind it would not be as hard, if he died in battle at least I would not be utterly destroyed by his loss…a lie I know but as yet I could not, would not face the truth.
The remainder of the day passed quickly, although I did not leave until late. Today I had clean up duty with Hikari, meaning we did not get out for at least another hour. In one sense it was fortunate as by being out late I missed the rainstorm that had raged only an hour earlier. Shinji would have been caught in it surely, I only hoped he was alright…I stood there for a moment, trapped by indecision until Hikari spoke to me, telling me what must be done…
"Go to him."
Unable to do anything more than nod, I left at once, running all the way to the apartment.
I was lucky, finding my key card in my bag. I unlocked the door and walked inside, taking of my shoes as I pushed the door closed. It was then I noticed another pair of shoes sitting there; ones that did not belong to Misato…these were girl's shoes, a size similar to my own. I knew of only one person to whom they could belong to and her presence was not most definitely unwelcome. I stormed into the living room only to find them there, she dressed in only one of his shirts, covering only a little way down her thigh, arms draped around a half clothed Shinji, her lips pressed firmly against his.
I opened my mouth to scream but no sound came out, I could only stare in silent horror as she kissed him. When at last she was done she stopped, turning to face me, a wicked smile upon her face and malice in her eyes.
"Good evening pilot Soryu."
I snapped, lunging towards her, fully intent on tearing her apart. I knocked her to the floor, straddling her I tried to punch her in the face but she caught my arm. I was shocked at how strong she was and soon it deteriorated into a full-blown brawl. We clawed and scratched at each other, acting like more like alley cats than people. I wanted to tear off her lips, those lips that she had used to kiss my Shinji…how dare she, he was mine!
"Enough!"
When both halted mid swing, turning to look at the boy who had shouted, his face flushed, eyes filled with rage.
"Stop it! The both of you, now!"
In an uncharacteristic display of strength he pulled us apart, positioning himself between us. A moment passed before her seemed to calm slightly, turning round so he now faced me.
"Asuka…please don't misunderstand…"
"Misunderstand? Misunderstand! You can't say that! You can't say that to me!"
I turned to leave, not wanting to see him anymore only to find he had taken hold of my hand and would not let go. I turned to look at him, filled with hate only to find his eyes filled with tears.
"Asuka…please, don't go…I lo…"
Suddenly his face scrunched up in pain and he dropped to the floor, his hands clutching at his chest. Frozen to the spot I could only watch as he curled into a foetal position and lay still. A single trickle of blood ran from his nose, rolling down his face and onto the carpet, staining it red…
A/N: Ok, I know this is a week late but I have my reasons, I'm sure you don't really want to be bothered by them , your hear to read not act as a support group. Needless to say my schedule had become very tight not to mention I am experiencing partial writers block (Kinda of like Hououza's block but it doesn't involve elbows). Thank you to everyone who reviewed the first chapter of Forgotten. Once I recover somewhat I promise to not only give you chapter 11 of this but the second chapters of Forgotten and Another Time.
Thank you all for your ongoing support.
Till next time,
Hououza
Chapter preread by That Other Guy