Title: Doubts

Author: Egwene

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of his relatives, friends, lovers, professors, enemies… pets, sex toys, sexy looking godfathers or gorgeous werewolves of his acquaintance D

Summary: AU – James and Sirius are a couple and living together after Hogwarts, but when James plans a romantic dinner with his boyfriend, not everything goes according to plan… Is Sirius hiding something from his lover?

Thanks to Sophocles for the incredible beta. What would I do without you?

Thanks to the people who reviewed the previous chapters! I'm glad to know that there are some people here who appreciate this fic D

Chapter 4: Where it's a bad idea to eavesdrop

James suddenly stopped; he had been pacing back and forth in his living room for the past two hours.

Sirius was late. Again.

James didn't know if he was more angry than worried, or more scared than furious. The whole 'Regulus Incident', as he has named it in his mind, was less than a week old, and Sirius had been a very attentive lover for the past few days, but now that James had noticed the distance between them, he couldn't help but perceive all those little details that told him something was amiss with Sirius.

He had not been able to completely dismiss the idea that his boyfriend was somehow being unfaithful to him.

He knew Sirius loved him, but he was so afraid that their happiness wouldn't last; he couldn't stop himself from considering the worst-case scenario. After all, their love was still new; they had yet to celebrate their first anniversary together. They had never talked – really talked – about the future, and how they both saw it.

What if Sirius wasn't looking for a long-term relationship with him? They were best friends, and had been for the last eight years or so. What if Sirius was just comfortable with him, and still waiting for the love of his life to come across his way?

What if Sirius did love him, but wasn't in love with him anymore?

All those questions had been poisoning James' mind for the past week and he could hardly think about anything else these days, except when he and Sirius were making love – which they had been doing quite a lot since the night Lily and Remus had told them about their engagement.

He wanted to propose to Sirius the next week for their anniversary; the rings he had bought were still in his office drawer, protected from inquisitive hands by a powerful charm.

But he wasn't sure of Sirius' reaction.

What would happen if Sirius wasn't in love with him any longer, or didn't want to commit to him?

James knew without a doubt that Sirius was his soul mate, the one and only person he wished to spend the rest of his days with. Did Sirius feel the same?

James didn't think he would be able to bear the shame and disappointment if Sirius said no.

He had been so sure his boyfriend would say yes, but why hadn't he contemplated the alternative?

That was easy enough to answer; he couldn't stand the idea of losing Sirius, and he couldn't picture him in the arms of another man.

He looked at his watch again; a sigh of frustration escaped from his lips. More than two hours. Sirius had told him, before leaving this morning, that he would be home by six. It was now close to eight thirty. Where could he be?

James was fully aware that Sirius didn't keep straight hours like he did, working in an office, but even the longest of his interviews never had made him two and a half hours late.

Checking his watch again, only to see that barely a few minutes had passed since the last time, James grew more and more worried by the second.

He realised with horror that he had only considered two reasons for his lover's absence: a work-related good reason and a bad reason James didn't want to dwell on. But he had completely overlooked the fact that Sirius could very well be lying in a dark alley, wounded, or even worse, dead.

A shiver went through his spine as James considered this option. They hadn't heard of any new Death Eater raids in a few days, and Sirius had assured him that Regulus hadn't tried to contact him after that first time in Hogsmeade. He had even sworn he would tell James on the spot if he ever did – not that he thought he would, of course.

Lost in his thoughts, James didn't even hear the click of the key in the lock, so he was very surprised to see his lover looking sheepishly at him from the doorframe when he looked up. The tension finally left his body when James realised his boyfriend was at home, alive, and looking unharmed. Relief was soon replaced by anger as he rose from the couch he hadn't noticed he was sitting on.

Sirius closed the door silently, and slowly made his way toward his boyfriend.

He opened his mouth to speak, to apologise or to explain – no doubt – but James didn't let him.

"Do I want to know why you are two and a half hours late? Or are you even going to tell me the truth this time?" he yelled.

That was a low blow. He had spent the last week reassuring Sirius that he had forgiven him, and that he wasn't angry about his lying to him, but at the first fight he hadn't been able not to throw it in his face.

Anger was pouring out of him now, and he continued before Sirius could utter a word, unable to stop the hurtful words from coming out of his mouth.

"I mean, it's not like you couldn't Floo-call, phone, Apparate, owl, … whatever, I don't care, just to warn me that you'd be late. Merlin, you're a bloody wizard! Tell me you were surrounded by a dozen Death Eaters and you only managed to leave unscathed because of your amazing duelling skills! Tell me you were interviewing the new director of Azkaban. Tell me you had absolutely no way to warn me. Just don't tell me you simply forgot that I was waiting for you. Just don't tell me you didn't consider that I would be dying from worry about you, Sirius. Just don't tell me that!" James' voice had decreased to a pleading whisper by the last sentence, having washed out most of his anger with the first harsh words.

He saw Sirius looking down at his feet.

"I'm sorry, James," his lover said in a small voice so unusual for him, "I…"

James interrupted him yet again.

"I'm not even sure I want to hear it, Sirius," he said, the disgust clear in his voice.

Would Sirius tell him the truth, or another lie?

Where in hell could he have been?

Had he lost any trust he had in Sirius?

"Let me explain, please, James," Sirius started, looking every bit as guilty as possible. He went on when he didn't hear any objection from his lover. "I was writing this paper at the Leaky Cauldron, you know, I had met with that conservative guy earlier, and I wanted the ideas on the paper, fresh out of my mind, they were flowing, and I guess I forgot to check for the time. I'm so sorry. And when I had finished, I was heading home, I hadn't realised how late I was, I thought I still had time, I forgot to take my watch this morning. Well, then I ran into John Hargrove, you remember him, he was in our year, Ravenclaw, I think, anyway, he recognised me and we started to chat. He bought me a drink, asked about you. I swear I didn't realise how late I was. He's into broom design you know, it seems that's what he had wanted to do since he was a little kid…"

James gave him a stern, hard look. How could he talk about that guy's life when he was supposed to explain about his delay?

James wasn't surprised, however; Sirius had always possessed the strange ability to start off on a tangent when talking about serious matters.

Sirius didn't stop, as if he expected James to start yelling at him again.

"And then he told me it was late, and he had to go home to his wife. He's married to that Ravenclaw in the year above us, Sarah Wilkins, they've been going out for two years you know. And that was the moment when I realised it was already eight fifteen. I bolted out of the Leaky Cauldron, took my motorbike and came straight back home." He paused to take a deep breath. "I'm so sorry, James. You must be so disappointed in me." There were tears in Sirius' eyes, and James wondered what made his lover so emotional these days.

Usually, when James yelled, Sirius yelled back, trying to convince his boyfriend that he was really the one at fault, because he didn't trust him enough or because he hadn't explained correctly what he wanted, or something else. He never just apologised with teary eyes, as if James was going to break up with him and throw him out, much less twice in one week.

Bloody hell! This wasn't the first time they had a fight. Why did Sirius seem so confused?

If it was a new tactic, it worked, because suddenly James was the one feeling guilty, and in need to apologise for his behaviour.

"I'm sorry I yelled, Sirius, but I was so worried. Could you be more careful next time?" he asked gently. "Or I will start to think you're having an affair." He laughed uneasily; he had intended it as a joke, but it sounded wrong in his ears.

That night after they went to bed, they didn't make love; they just cuddled together, with Sirius' head in his favourite spot on James' chest.

With a contend purr, James stroked Sirius' long stands. He was still angry with his boyfriend, but he loved to hold him close.

His thoughts went back to the events of the evening. Sirius had lied to him again. He was sure of it. He hadn't dared confront him about it earlier, firstly because he hadn't any proof, just a hunch, and secondly because he had felt his lover was going to burst into tears if he went on. He didn't know if he could stand making Sirius cry twice in a week.

So he would try to find evidence. He couldn't follow Sirius everywhere, hoping that he would do next week whatever he had been doing that day, and probably the previous week as well. He had no idea how he would spy on his lover, but he was going to.

Because, by now, lying in the dark, thinking about it, he was sure Sirius was hiding something important from him. It might be related to his brother or it might not. Sirius had once told him that the best way to make a lie convincing was to keep it as close as possible to the truth. They had been discussing the amazing way in which Sirius had fooled McGonagall into believing they were innocent of the latest prank of the day. James had been impressed; the last time he had tried it, they had ended with detention for one week because of the prank, and for another week because of the lie he had told.

Sirius was a good liar, no doubt; why was it so hard to think he would lie to James too, if it suited him?

As he felt asleep, James wondered why he couldn't keep Sirius happy and satisfied, and why Sirius couldn't tell him his secret.

The next night found the two lovers in the exact same situation. Sirius was once more fast asleep in James' arms, and James was pondering the events of the day.

If anyone had told him yesterday things would look worse that they already did, he would have laughed. Now he didn't have the heart to laugh anymore.

He didn't have the courage to talk about it to Sirius, mostly because he was afraid of what it could mean. He didn't want to break up with him.

He was going crazy; he couldn't think about anything else, he needed someone to talk to. He could have gone to Remus, they were good friends, but now Remus was part of the problem.

He had come back early from work to spend some time with Sirius that didn't involve yelling or crying for any of them, to work on a plan to find out the truth, and when he had entered their apartment, he had heard two voices coming from the bedroom. At first he had panicked, still thinking about the possibility of surprising Sirius in the arms of another man, but then, he had been delighted to recognise Remus' low timber. He had not seen the werewolf since the previous week and he wanted to hear about all the wedding arrangements. Plus, he hoped he could ask Remus if he had noticed Sirius' somewhat strange behaviour, and if he knew anything about it.

When he had approached the bedroom door, he had been startled to hear some bits of a conversation that had nothing to do with weddings plans between a groom and his best man. He had known he shouldn't intrude on a private discussion like that, but he hadn't been able to help himself.

"… he'll notice, he's not stupid." That was Remus.

"I know." Sirius sounded depressed.

"So, what are you going to do? … tell him! Do you think … with your life as if nothing happened?"

"No."

"It's going to change both your lives. You have to tell James." So Remus knew about Sirius' secret. Whatever Sirius was supposed to tell him, it didn't sound like good news.

"But what if he's angry?"

"It's not like you did it on purpose, Padfoot, is it?"

"Of course. But you know, he's going to be so … right away. He could have forgiven me then, … weakness, but now he will never accept it."4

"You're exaggerating, Padfoot, like always."

"No. He's going to be pissed off."

James hadn't doubted that they had been talking about him. It seemed that Sirius wanted to tell him something, something important, by the sound of it, but didn't dare to, fearing his reaction. What could it be?

James moved closer to the door to hear more clearly what his two friends were saying in hushed voices.

"… he's not. He's … tolerant…, I'm sure. … eventually."

"If he ever finds out, he's going to leave me. I can't let that happen!"

"But it's not like you can stop it."

"No. And I don't want to … opportunity, …"

"… tell Prongs."

"Maybe. I have to think about my options again. I may be able to come ..."

"You don't have much time."

"I know, Remus, I know. Could you cover for me for the next time I meet him-"

Sirius stopped suddenly as James crashed to the ground in a loud noise. He had been so taken with the conversation that he hadn't paid attention, and he had slipped and fallen on the floor. He had quickly recovered and made a few steps back into the living room. He still had had his coat on, so he could very well have been just coming in.

Sirius and Remus had soon appeared in the doorway, looking curiously at James, who had been brushing dust off his shirt. He had had about one minute to compose a friendly face, and the two other wizards had bought his act without a second thought.

Sirius had rushed to his side to check if he was indeed okay, and James had answered he had slipped on the carpet by the couch, an impressive and loud, but harmless fall.

James had greeted Remus, and all three had made plans for the full moon later that week, before Remus had left to have dinner with Lily's dreaded family.

They had parted after a few laughs at the werewolf's expense, and a few words of encouragement, and then Sirius and James had shared a quiet home-cooked meal, both lost in their thoughts.

And now James was lying in their bed while sleep eluded him, thinking back at what he could conclude from what he had heard.

He was looking for facts. It was a fact that Sirius had lied to him, twice. Had he even really met with Regulus the past week? Probably not.

James shook his head. He could only come to one conclusion when he put all the clues together. Sirius was cheating on him.

Their perfect love was just another convenient lie.

For some unknown reason, Sirius wasn't happy enough with James or sexually satisfied, and he had gone find what he missed in someone else's bed.

James repressed a sob. He felt torn in two inside, like his chest was going to explode with each move of Sirius' cheek against it.

Sirius still acted as if there was nothing wrong, as if nothing had changed between them, but James knew better. He had learned it from Sirius' own lips. It had been so hard to hear, but it was true, all his worst fears had come true. Sirius either had had an affair, or was currently seeing someone else. James didn't know which was worse. And he wanted to see that person again, having asked for Remus' help.

The questions multiplied in his head. 'Who was it?' was the first and the most obvious one. Why and when were close seconds. The last one was definitely whether or not he would be able to forgive Sirius.

He hadn't any answer, just more questions.

He didn't know how he was going to react if Sirius told him; it was too painful to think about it.

He knew he was going to be angry, very angry with Sirius later, and if he was honest with himself, he knew he wouldn't be able to really forgive his boyfriend. He could pretend he did; he wanted to stay with Sirius now. But he was realistic enough to see that he was only heartbroken now, not yet angry and resentful. When he reached that point, life would soon become unbearable in their apartment. He didn't want to hurt Sirius, physically at least, but he knew he would have a hard time controlling himself if Sirius ever admitted to having an affair and asked for his forgiveness. And that was supposing Sirius wanted to stay with him and put a stop to that other relationship, something he didn't intend to do, from what James had heard.

He looked sadly at Sirius who was still snoring lightly on his chest, and wished he could go back in time so he could do whatever Sirius needed him to do to stay with him.

He almost cried out from the pain in his heart, like he had been stabbed several times, or put under the Cruciatus spell for long, endless hours.

How could he broach the subject with Sirius? Should he be direct and to the point, or subtler?

He was so tired. He refused to make a decision just now. He only wanted to hold Sirius in his arms through the night and pretend they were that deliriously happy couple one last time.

Next chapter: Where a fight is not a good idea.