Title: Doubts
Author: Egwene
Rating: T
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of his relatives, friends, lovers, professors, enemies… pets, sex toys, sexy looking godfathers or gorgeous werewolves of his acquaintance D
Summary: AU – James and Sirius are a couple and living together after Hogwarts, but when James plans a romantic dinner with his boyfriend, not everything goes according to plan… Is Sirius hiding something from his lover?
Thanks to Sophocles for the incredible beta. What would I do without you?
AN: thanks to all the nice people who reviewed! I'm in a hurry, so I can't reply to each of you. Some of you may have actually stumbled on the truth of what's happening with Sirius. Be patient, all will be revealed in due time D
Chapter 5: Where a fight is a bad idea
When he put his key in the lock, James knew for certain he didn't want to be at home that night. In fact, he pretty much wanted to be anywhere except at home, in the flat he shared with his lover and best friend, Sirius.
Only two weeks before, he had been rejoicing when thinking about that particular date. Their anniversary. January twenty-sixth. He had had everything planned to the last detail, how he would propose, how Sirius would accept, and how they would make passionate love all night to seal their engagement. Surely not even Remus and Lily would be as happy as they, or so he had thought.
Merlin, had it been only two weeks before?
It felt more like a lifetime, and since then, all hell had broken loose.
Now he was certain that Sirius cheated on him and planned to continue, as if there were nothing wrong with that.
Now he knew why Sirius had seemed distant and distracted lately, refusing to tell him why.
Now he knew. But that didn't make him feel better at all.
All the little clues had accumulated and left him with the only possible truth, where all his fears came true, where his insecurities became reality, where the happy couple was just a convenient lie.
He had spent countless hours surmising why Sirius didn't just break up with him if he were seeing someone else, and countless more trying to understand where he had failed in making Sirius happy. What was the point in keeping the two relationships going? What was the point in staying with James if Sirius didn't love him anymore? The only answer he had come up with was – to Sirius' credit – that his lover still held some consideration for his feelings and was trying to spare them. Sirius was still his best friend, sure he shared his secrets with Remus these days, rather than with James, but Sirius loved him, in his own way, even if he wasn't in love with him anymore.
This couldn't be an easy situation for Sirius either.
But nothing excused him. If he had met another man, he should have come to James, no matter how difficult it was, and explained it to him. It would have spared them many hurt feelings and the confrontation that was about to occur.
James had waited for Sirius to say something, anything, to explain, to come to him, but it had been all in vain. Although his lover was a little stranger that usual, especially with that rash that wouldn't go away, he hadn't said anything in indication of his desire to leave James.
And finally, James had had enough of the lies and deceptions; he wanted the truth to be out between them, even if it did mean that he would never hold Sirius in his arms again, or kiss him good morning tomorrow.
The matching gold bands were still in the drawer in his office, since James hadn't had the courage to return them to the shop; they were already engraved with their names, and taking them back meant defeat and surrender.
Even though he was convinced of knowing the outcome of the evening, somewhere in the depths of his heart, he still held some hope, a tiny flicker, nothing more, but it was there and it refused to go away.
James finally pushed the door open, and he was surprised to see the living room bathed in a romantic light, candles burning in soft tones all over the room, floating gently around. On the couch, Sirius was waiting for him, looking absolutely gorgeous in black slacks and a dark red shirt with the top buttons left open. A bottle of champagne waiting to be opened on the table completed the tableau.
James gasped. This was the most romantic setting he could ever have imagined for their anniversary, and only two weeks earlier, that would have been perfect. For one minute, he thought about changing his mind and not confronting Sirius about the affair until the next morning, wanting to enjoy tonight as much as he could. He loved him so much, and it tore his heart all over again to have to break up with his lover in such a dreamy setting. But he knew it would only be delaying the inevitable, and he had already waited much too long.
As he made his way over to the sofa, he saw Sirius looking up at him and smiling, before silently standing up to meet him halfway.
James remained quiet, watching, mesmerised, at the scene unfolding in front of him. Sirius took James' left hand in his own and deposited a chaste kiss on his lips.
"Happy anniversary, love," he said softly.
James felt the anger grow inside him and slowly take over his control. That was the last straw. How could Sirius stand there, looking as much in love as he had been when they had first kissed, and pretend everything was okay between them? How could he stand there and pretend he wasn't fucking cheating on James every other day? How could he?
He opened his mouth to answer Sirius' declaration, but two fingers gently pressed on his lips interrupted him.
Sirius, still holding James' left hand in his own, led him over to the couch so they could sit.
He waited a moment, apparently composing himself, and then took a deep breath before speaking.
"We have to talk. Or rather, I have to tell you something, something important," he said with a shy smile, looking unsure of himself.
Sirius paused to take a breath, but before he could continue, James let go of his hand and stood up, anger pouring out of every inch of his skin.
"No, you don't have to tell me anything. I know what's going on!" He had wanted to remain calm and even, but it was too hard.
He could not listen to Sirius' explanations. It was much too hard to sit here while his lover told him how he had found love elsewhere.
To think that Sirius had actually spent time to assemble this romantic setting together, just to tell him that it was over, was a little too much to bear.
Or maybe he had planned to throw him out a few minutes later, and the champagne was really for his other lover, scheduled to come over right after.
Somewhere in his mind, he knew Sirius would never do something as inconsiderate as that, but he wasn't exactly listening to his mind now. He was listening to his heart, his broken heart that yelled loudly in his chest, and that he had ignored for too long.
He was hurt, angry, sad, and it was finally getting out. What was Sirius trying to do? Let him down gently? What did he think? That James was going to agree to go peacefully and without a word? How naïve could he be?
Sirius was looking expectantly at James, clearly waiting for him to explain what he thought about the situation.
"How long have you known?" he dared to ask after a short pause.
"One week," James replied coldly. Even if he had had his suspicions earlier than that, it was the events of this week that had made him sure.
"Okay. And what do you think about it?" Sirius remained calm; he was looking at James with eyes full of hope. On any other day, it would have melted James' heart on the spot, but at that moment, it only fuelled the anger and disappointment he felt.
"You want to know what I think about it?"
"Yes," Sirius answered, somewhat surprised by James' reaction.
"How dare you ask me that? What did you think I was going to think about it? Did you imagine I was going to stand there and applaud, congratulate you or something?"
All his fears had been indeed right, and the tiny flicker of hope that had subsided all this time died a quick death in James and Sirius' living room.
He would never forgive Sirius for having destroyed their happiness, never, not even if his lover dropped to his knees and begged him to, which he did not seem ready to do in a near future.
"Actually, yes. I was kind of hoping you'd be congratulating me, and that we'd celebrate together afterwards. But it seems that I was wrong."
"Of course you were fucking wrong! How could you do that to me, to us?" James was barely aware of what he was saying. His emotions were too raw to analyse and rationalise.
"How could I do that? I'm sorry to tell you but that's a game that needs two players, you're not innocent in this you know. I didn't do it by myself!" Sirius' tone was starting to rise, matching James'.
"What do you mean, I'm not innocent? You're just a fucking slut! How could I ever trust you? How could I have been so blind?"
How dare Sirius blame him for his own faults! James hadn't done anything wrong! He didn't deserve any of this.
"I knew you weren't going to take this well, I told Remus, but he assured me that you were open-minded, that you would eventually be okay with it. How could I have been so naïve and believe him? If I'm a slut, you're just a fucking bastard, James!" Sirius was yelling without restraint now, pacing back and forth in front of James, muttering to himself in between sentences.
"Then Remus knows… I wonder who else you have told before me. You know what? It doesn't matter; I was a fool to think we could build something together other than stupid pranks. You can't be trusted. You never were!" It was a low blow and he knew it, but he couldn't make himself care. He had to hurt Sirius as much as he himself was hurting.
"How dare you throw that in my face?"
"How dare you destroy our relationship?"
Both men were panting, standing in front of each other – eyes locked, yells fading in an uneasy silence.
"You did that by yourself, James. I didn't want it to end. I wanted us to find a solution together. But I see it's not possible."
Sirius reached out to take James' hand again in a last effort, but James jerked away as if burned by the touch.
"Don't touch me! You're disgusting! How could you think, even for a minute, that it wouldn't mean the end of everything between us, Sirius?" James didn't understand Sirius anymore. It was like having a complete stranger in front of him.
They had both calmed down a bit, and the reality of their harsh words was dawning upon them. Their relationship was over; so was their friendship of eight years. The bond was broken, and there was nothing to salvage from the wreckage.
"I had thought that we could have talked about it."
"There is nothing to talk about, Sirius."
Sirius seemed to be holding back the tears that threatened to fall on his reddened cheeks; James, too, had misty eyes and sobs in his voice.
Sirius walked past James to the door; he grabbed his coat and spoke without turning back.
"I'm spending the rest of the week at Remus and Lily's. When I come back, you'll be gone from my apartment. I never want to see you again, James."
He opened the door. "I loved you." And he went out without looking at James again.
James sat back on the couch and finally let the tears fall. He knew he had done the right thing. He wasn't the one who was having an affair! Why had Sirius implied that their breaking up had been all his fault?
His mind and body felt numb after the anger had been drained away. He didn't want to feel anymore, he just wanted to lie there for a moment, and forget about what had just happened.
He would have time to move out the next day. He didn't even had a place to go to, since it seemed Remus had sided with Sirius, even though it was Sirius who was the one at fault.
James snuggled closer to the couch pillow and fell asleep immediately, exhausted.
He was woken up by the bright light of the noon sun shining though the living room window. He had taken the rest of the week off work, just as he had planned to do a long time ago. But originally, those few days had been meant to be spent lying in bed with his fiancé, not running through London, looking for a flat to rent.
The apartment was Sirius' and it was right that James should be the one to move out, but he had thought that their break up would have gone a little calmly, with a lot less yelling.
James groaned. He didn't want to think back to the events of the previous night, but he couldn't think about anything else, as bits of conversation replayed over and over in his mind.
Had Sirius been so surprised by the turn of events?
Had he really thought there was a way for James to accept this situation?
It sounded ridiculous. James was not very forgiving when someone betrayed his trust, and Sirius knew that, all too well – so why had he thought this time would be any different?
Could it be that this was just a big misunderstanding, and that Sirius hadn't been cheating on him?
But no, Sirius was the one who had started the conversation; he had acknowledged that he had had something important to tell James. He had sounded like a guilty convict making a confession before being brought to Askaban.
Besides, the proof was too substantial to leave any place for doubts.
There had been the distant attitude Sirius had developed in the past month. Knowing how caring and attentive his lover usually was, this was definitely the first sign that something was wrong between the two of them.
Then, there had been the lie about his spending the evening with Remus and Lily, and the lie about Regulus. James had no real evidence that the story about meeting with his brother had been a deception, but he had no proof it was true either, and given the amount of lies Sirius had told him recently, James didn't believe it to be a likely story.
After that, in the past week, Sirius had come back late too many times to count, never bothering to let James know where he was or with whom, and never explaining afterwards.
Oh sure, he always came back with a fancy story of what had happened to him, but after the first two times, James had stopped listening and trying to tell the truth from the lies. He just sat there and told Sirius that yes, he forgave him, and that no, he wasn't mad at him, wondering what Sirius would come up with the next time, because he knew there would be a next time, and a time after that, up until James confronted his lover. Well, that was done now. No more lies to listen to and pretend were okay.
His third clue had been the last full moon. Since becoming an animagus, Sirius had never missed spending a full moon with Remus, never, even when they were mad at each other for some reason or another. Helping Moony out was sacred. There were no plans that could not be changed, no exam that could not be studied for at another time (yes, they had studied for their exams sometimes, contrary to popular belief), no date that couldn't be cancelled. Nothing was more important than being with Moony during the full moon. Even in seventh year, when Sirius had been down with some kind of Muggle flu, he had managed to sneak out of the Hospital Wing and Pomfrey's watch to join his friends in the Shrieking Shack. Poor Padfoot had been totally out of it, and it had been rather funny to watch a fully-grown werewolf, usually wild and barely controllable, taking care of one of his pack, licking him better and whimpering all night at his side.
So last week, when Sirius had told James he had to go and meet Remus and Peter by himself because he felt too sick to come, it had come as quite a shock. It was true that Sirius had looked a bit under the weather, but James hadn't imagined such a little thing would keep his lover at home. Sirius had told him that he had spoken with Remus earlier and that he had apologized, and that their friend had excused him wholeheartedly, saying James and Peter were more than enough to keep him company during the night and that Lily would be there to take care of him in the morning. James hadn't argued – there was no point to it – but he had added the incident to his list of 'Strange and Out of Character Things that Sirius does these days' to think about later.
But all these elements, although convincing, had been nothing compared to what had happened the previous Monday.
Sirius had patiently explained to him that he had to go to the Prophet for the day because of some important meeting, something about the editor wanting to confer with all the journalists on what the paper was going to publish about Voldemort and the alleged Death Eaters. It seemed that he hadn't liked some of the recent articles that spoke of some people like the Malfoys as Death Eaters, since they were barely suspects, and that nothing had been proved – yet. Sirius thought that the editor had been threatened and was giving in way too easily, and he was going to make his point at the meeting. Whatever had made him sick enough to miss the full moon just a few days prior seemed to have disappeared as soon as it had come, James had noted.
That Monday, James had been having lunch with a few colleagues at the Leaky Cauldron; he hardly ever went there to have lunch, but they were celebrating a promotion, and the wizard had been adamant about going to the well-known pub.
James had been thunderstruck to notice Sirius in a corner, seated at a table with another man, smiling and laughing. He hadn't paid any attention to his colleagues, but had watched his lover and his mysterious date speaking in hushed tones, almost in each other's ears, exchanging knowing looks, and James had jumped off his chair when the guy had pressed Sirius' hand into his.
He had tried to evaluate the competition, but it was hard, as the pub was often crowded at that hour, and Sirius had chosen a very secluded corner.
What could be more incriminating than that secret meeting?
He hadn't mastered the courage to actually get up and confront his lover on the spot, preferring to wait for the more quiet and private atmosphere their home offered.
No, there was no confusion. Sirius was having an affair, and he had admitted so the previous night.
His ex-lover was right – it was time for him to get up and start packing.
Next chapter: Where another fight is a bad idea