02:12 – The Price of Success
Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion or any of the characters they are the property of their respective creators. Please be aware that no profit is being made from this work of fan fiction.
For the first time in a very long time I simply sat there, staring at him silently, contemplating his silent form even as emotions I had thought long since buried returned to torment me once again…ten years ago I cast off everything save my humanity, although that too was too had been quick to follow as I whored myself for SEELE's amusement. So many things I was forced to do, so many terrible acts…all of them I justified to myself by seeing nothing but the prize. When at last it was all over I would have Yui and Shinji beside me, our family once again whole. Everything I had done, all the pain that Shinji had suffered through had purpose, I knew that in order to remake the world, to bring about the third impact upon humanity it would require the will of one of it's own, one who rejected the world and wished to create a better one…my son would be that person, the human chosen to become god.
Before I had come here I had made sure that no-one would ever know, none of the hospital staff were allowed to enter and no-one bar the professor would know of my absence from Nerv although even he did not know the real reason. Were anyone to discover this, that despite everything I had done to the contrary, that I still acknowledged Shinji as my son, not only that but I still watched over him in secret, SEELE would take him immediately, using his life as a bargaining chip to bend me to their will…I had not only abandoned my son in order to mould him into the future savior of humanity, I did it also to save him from SEELE, to keep him from traveling down the same road I had done…I am no longer sure if Yui can forgive me for what I have done to him, I am no longer sure if I am even worthy of her forgiveness. All I know now is that before the end comes Shinji will suffer many more tragedies, ones I no longer turn aside. My only hope is that he will be strong enough, that he will rise from wreckage of humanity and built a new and better world for us all…
"Sleep well my son."
With those four words I took my leave, replacing the tinted glasses upon my face, never once noticing the single tear that down his face.
I drifted in an endless sea of darkness, once more cut adrift from the waking world. I saw, felt, and heard nothing, only the endless emptiness of this inner space. Before, when I had been in the Eva during the battle with the last angel, there had been another presence, another consciousness along side me, one that was familiar and warm…as much as I tried to reach out for it I could not find it in the darkness, it seemed that no light could enter this place. Without anything to measure my time against I did not know how long I spent lost in the darkness, be it a moment or an eternity…it was then that something finally pierced the darkness, a sound coming from the outside.
"Sleep well my son."
For a moment I was in shock, my mind unable to accept what it seemed I was hearing, my father speaking to me, acknowledging me as his son. I felt tears from upon the face of my avatar, my vision of self that defined me in this place. For the first time in ten years my father had acknowledged me as something more than a tool and I was trapped here, unable to respond…the darkness would not allow me to escape, constantly pulling me back, into the emptiness. I fought until at last my strength left me, never getting any further than the place I had began. I closed my eyes, too weak to stay awake and allowed my self to drift deeper into the darkness, dreaming of the light…
Opening my eyes I found myself looking once more at the familiar ceiling above the hospital bed. Not knowing how long has passed since I collapsed I tried to sit up, desperate to see if my father was still here, my body refused to comply and I found I could only tilt my head. Turning first to the left and then the right I found myself to be alone, no one else inside the hospital room. I brought my head back so my eyes were once more focused on the ceiling as I allowed my thoughts to drift, contemplating the events that had transpired both before I had collapsed and the words I heard while unconscious were real or simply a figment of my imagination.
I don't know how long I spent that way, unable to move my body save my head. A nurse stopped in briefly, I supposed she was there to check up on me. She seemed surprised when I turned my head to look at her, trying to open my mouth I found myself unable to speak, my throat aching with every breath.
"Please, don't try to speak Mr Ikari. The anaesthetic will still be in effect for a few more hours, you should try and get some rest and I will bring you some food later, okay?"
I managed to nod before letting my eyes slide closed and listening to the sound of the nurse's footsteps as she moved away until I drifted off to sleep.
When I woke up again I found my whole body felt sore, in particular my chest. This time when I tried to sit up my body responded and I was able to push myself into a sitting position. This proved to be a mistake because as soon as I was upright my torso erupted into agony and I fell backwards against the sheets. The pain subsided and as I reached up my hands to brush against my chest I felt something strange.
"Those would be stitches."
Surprised by the interruption, I hadn't realised anyone else was in the room, I looked over to the side to find the doctor from before sitting there. I think his name was…
"Doctor Igaku?"
"Glad to see you're awake pilot, you've been unconscious for the last twenty four hours since you collapsed, I hadn't expected you to be awake so soon after surgery."
"What…?"
"When you collapsed it was due to a small internal injury we had missed in your initial examination. When you blood pressure rose it cause the wound to open and start bleeding out, not long after you collapsed. By the time we arrived here it was bleeding freely, we were forced to put you in for emergency surgery."
He paused for a moment allowing time for his words to sink in. That would explain the pain in my chest…
"We were lucky, the wound had not ruptured further and we were able to sew it shut quickly. However, you will have to stay here for the next fortnight for observation and after that you will not be allowed back onto active duty for a further three weeks. In light of today's incident I have requested that you are kept here for the duration of this period to ensure you are not put in a situation where your wounds could be aggravated or reopened."
My mind swept back to Eva, what would happen if an angel attacked and I was stuck here? Could the girls handle it on their own? Would everyone die simply because I was too weak? Repeating my mantra over and over in my mind I struggled to push myself up, willing my body to move. It seemed that the doctor took note of this because a frown formed upon his face as he got up from the chair and walked over to me, placing a hand gently against my shoulder.
"Pilot Ikari…we are doing this for your own good. If you do not allow your injuries to heal fully this time and you attempt to pilot again you will die."
I spent the next few hours alone; Dr Igaku had made his excuses soon after, departing my room and leaving me to my thoughts. After ten years living a life without purpose I finally found something I was good at, something only I could do…I came here, to Tokyo-3, at my father's request, wondering why he would call me for me ten years after leaving me behind. I soon learned he had called for me because he needed me for something, specifically to become the pilot of the giant purple behemoth known as Evangelion Unit-01. The first time I had fought against an angel it was a disaster, lacking any training I had gotten pummelled, had it not been for Unit-01 going berserk I would have died, as it was I only came away with a mild concussion and a few bumps and bruises. Toji's sister however was not so lucky…that was the first time I truly felt the weight of the responsibility that had been placed upon my shoulders. I tried to run then, not wanting this terrible fate that had been put upon me yet, when the time came to leave I found I could not, I turned back and continued to fight, destroying the angels one after another. I don't know many I've beaten now, either on my own or with the help of Rei and Asuka…I heard someone saying that I have the highest kill total to date, killing more angels than both Rei and Asuka together…I allowed a small smile to spread across my face as I considered that and what Asuka would do to me if she ever worked that out…my thoughts were interrupted by the nurse from before arriving carrying a tray of food. She placed it on the table stand and moved it so it was resting above my lap while I managed to carefully push myself into a more upright position. She asked if I needed anything else and I told her no, thanking her for her kindness before she smiled kindly at me and departed. Picking up the chopsticks I began to eat, allowing my thoughts to wander…
Rei…she remained a mystery to me. When I first arrived here she was so cold and distant, so strange. I still recall the way she said goodbye before we went out to face the fifth, the way she slapped me when I showed disrespect to my father, the feel of her naked flesh as she lay beneath me when I fell on top of her when I went to her apartment that time, trying to deliver her new ID card…any other girl would have most likely screamed and slapped me, called me a pervert, if it had been Asuka she would have probably tried to kill me…the odd thing was Rei had just lain there, quietly asking me to get off before getting dressed as if nothing had happened. I could not understand how she could have gone from such total; obliviousness to the seemingly all consuming desire I had seen in her eyes in that brief moment when our eyes met just after she kissed me. Pushing my thoughts of her aside I turned my attention to my desert which happened to be red jelly, the colour of it immediately reminding me of Asuka.
Asuka…she was so intent on being the best, always striving to have the highest synch ratio, to beat the angels before I could…it was ironic that without even caring about my position I had passed her in both kills and now synch ratio and yet rather than staying mad, I could still recall her first reaction to the news, she had calmed and even cried when I woke up to find her sitting beside me when I had been in the hospital the first time. Part of me wished that she were here now, if only that I could take comfort in the warmth of her body and the scent of her hair…I shook my head, clearing away my thoughts of her. After what happened I didn't expect them to allow her to see me, most likely she would be kept away until I had fully recovered…
Two girls, total opposites, like fire and ice yet both of them had two things in common…Eva and me.
When I woke late the next morning it was to a dull ache in my chest, my stitches itched terribly. I lifted my hand to scratch them, then halted halfway to my chest. The doctor had warned me about aggravating the wound, I doubt clawing at them would do me any good…with a sigh I let my arm fall back down by my side and stared aimlessly at the ceiling. It was then I felt eyes on me and I turned my head to find that someone else was in the room. Sitting in the chair near my bedside was perhaps the last person I would have expected to see here…
"Toji? What are you doing here?"
There was something slightly off about the way he grinned at me, as if there was something weighing on his mind.
"I was visiting Mari actually and I decided to stop by. She's feeling a bit better these days."
He paused and for a moment the worry seemed to lift from his face as he chuckled.
"She actually wanted to come and see you since you're in here as well. I told her no but…if it wouldn't be too much trouble…"
Haunted still by that first day, when had I found out the true price of my failure as a pilot I had wanted to die…I wished that I had never come to Tokyo-3 then she would never have gotten injured in the first place…
No. That wasn't true…Rei was in no position to pilot then, if she had gone out there again she would have died along with everyone else. I had to fight, I had to win and despite everything that has happened I know that if I had to do it all over again I would still choose to fight…not that I could now, trapped in this hospital bed. At least if I could do something to help mend the damage I had caused I would be only too glad, focusing my gaze on Toji once again I nodded.
"It's fine."
He grinned at me again, this time a genuine smile spreading across his face.
"Thanks Shinji, Mari will be thrilled."
The next few moments were spent in silence, seemingly neither one of us knowing what to say. In the end it was Toji who broke the silence, his voice distant and lacking the enthusiasm I had come to expected.
"Shinji…what's it like?"
Confused I simply stared back at him.
"What's what like?"
"You know…piloting."
I was more than a little surprised by his question, it was something I would have expected Kensuke to ask but not Toji…feeling his questioning and slightly nervous gaze upon me I struggled to find an answer…
"It's like…it's like you are two places at once, your still you but you're also this giant biomechanical behemoth…what it sees you see, what it feels you feel."
I paused for a moment as another thought danced across my mind, a faint memory of the first time I had stepped inside the Eva.
"It's almost like it's aware…like there is this whole other consciousness that embraces you as you synch with it, another mind opening itself to you and holding you in it's embrace almost like a mother…"
I stopped, unsure of my words or where they were leading, I was not quite sure if the thoughts were even my own…looking over at Toji I was surprised once again to find an expression of deep thought upon his face rather than the one of confusion I had expected. He stayed that way for a few moments, sitting silently, eyes staring at something I could not see. When at last his eyes came back into focus and he once more looked at me there was a determination in his eyes I had not seen before.
"Thank you Shinji…I think I understand a bit better now."
His statement seemed incomplete, as if he were leaving something important out. I considered for a moment asking him about this but quickly decided against it, if he had not told me there would most likely be good reason behind it. He stood up then and turned, heading towards the door, stopping just as he reached it, pausing for a moment within the frame.
"Shinji?"
"Yes?"
"If anything happens…please look after Mari and Hikari for me, ok?"
Unsure why he would ask such a thing I simply nodded, watching as he departed, leaving me alone with my thoughts once again.
AN: Shorter chapter I know but to be honest I have had major writers block of late, that coupled with tight deadlines at work has made my writing time very scarce. Late once again I know, looks like it will be three to four weeks between chapters rather than the two I was hoping for…
Thank you all for sticking with me despite the delays.
Till next time,
Hououza