Title: Doubts

Author: Egwene

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of his relatives, friends, lovers, professors, enemies… pets, sex toys, sexy looking godfathers or gorgeous werewolves of his acquaintance D

Summary: AU – James and Sirius are a couple and living together after Hogwarts, but when James plans a romantic dinner with his boyfriend, not everything goes according to plan… Is Sirius hiding something from his lover?

A/N: Thanks to Sophocles for the incredible beta. What would I do without you?

A great Thank You to everybody who took time to review, you guys really helped me update! And my apologies for the looooong delay ;-)

Chapter 6: Where another fight is a bad idea

From his place on the couch, James glanced at the clock hanging above the fireplace. It was a little past nine in the morning. He still hadn't started packing. Sure, he had made the decision – he even had already transfigured some boxes to put all his belongings into – but when it had come down to actually filling them, it had been too hard. So he had sat there and he still hadn't moved since the previous morning.

It was so difficult to sort out what belonged to him and what belonged to Sirius because they had bought most of the things together. At first he had wanted to Floo-call Remus and ask his ex-lover to be reasonable and come back so they could do this together, but after a minute, he had dismissed the idea. Sirius had made it clear that he wanted nothing more to do with him, and he had to admit that it would be a little too painful to see Sirius again so soon.

The clock struck eleven. This was becoming ridiculous. The most logical answer was to declare that the furniture would go to the one that had wanted to buy it, rather than to the one who had actually spent the money, even if he could have remembered who it had been for every single item.

The furniture was easy enough to divide – they both got about half of it – but when it came to separate more personal things like books, records, and pictures, James nearly lost his nerve. Each new piece he threw into a box brought back handfuls of memories, good and bad, but mostly great memories he cherished.

He finally broke into sobs when he found one picture Moony had taken of the two of them on the grounds of Hogwarts near the Forbidden Forest. They looked so infatuated with one another in that particular shot – it had been taken the morning after their first night together. James was incapable of stopping the flow of memories from coming back to him of that first time: the hesitant touches of two horny seventeen years old boys, the first caresses, the passionate kisses, the all too quick first climax and the long cuddle together afterwards, their first shy attempt at a blow job, and of course, the first penetration. They had not been able to get enough of each other that night, they had felt alone in the universe – nothing else had mattered but the two of them and their union.

They had talked, too, about their friendship, about their newfound love, and their amazement at finally being together. Morning had come too soon, as expected, and they had reluctantly returned to the real world, as Sirius had put it, content to just hold hands in the light of the new day. That first night had been special – whose first night isn'twasn't, after all? It had been about lust, it had been about love and friendship as well, it had been about understanding and bonding, it had been about them.

After reliving that memory in excruciating detail, James could still feel the touch of Sirius' hands on his skin and the taste of his lips on his own; he tried to detach himself, and continued his triage in a non-emotional way. If he allowed himself to remember each good moment he had ever shared with Sirius, he would never finish packing before the end of the week, and he'd be an emotional wreck for his ex-lover to find and throw out. No way this way going to happen. He had left Sirius a couple of his books he knew Sirius liked much more than he did, and he had taken a couple of Sirius' shirts that he never wore and fitted James better.

It had taken him the better part of two days, but he had done it. He had finished packing.

Next came the painful question of where he was going to live.

Finding a place to live when you were a wizard was much more easy than being a Muggle, especially in London, but James was worried about finding a place he'd actually like live in.

The delay imposed didn't allow him to be too choosy, and he had liked Sirius' apartment very much. He was afraid he wouldn't find a place of his own so quickly, a place he could be comfortable in.

Going back to live with his parents was out of the question as well. They hadn't been too thrilled about his moving in with Sirius in August. Although they liked the other boy as a son and often welcomed him into their house without a second thought, they had expressed their doubts about the two boys being ready to live together so soon after leaving Hogwarts, when they were still both so young.

Well, they had been right about that at least. He had been naïve to think that his school love would be the person he would spend the rest of his life with. But, as easy as it was to admit in private that there had been some truth to the warning his parents had issued him, admitting it in front of them was quite another matter, and definitely something he wasn't ready to deal with. He would have to do it soon enough, when his parents would invite them both for lunch on Sunday, and James turned up alone. But it could wait until then.

So, all in all, James didn't have much choice in terms of apartments.

He asked some of his colleagues, because he couldn't think of anyone else to ask for help, and one of them told him that a friend of his sister's boyfriend's cousin or something had just left a perfect two-room flat three streets away. It was situated in a small street where the population was about three quarters wizards and one quarter Muggles, so it fitted James perfectly; it was much closer to the Ministry, and the distance from Sirius' apartment was far enough that there wouldn't be any chance meeting.

His worries about his not liking the apartment were soon lifted when he saw it; he liked the one he had been offered right away, and didn't hesitate to pay the three months worth of rent required as deposit. He had saved a bit of money sharing the flat that Sirius owned, and his Gringotts account was far from empty, so he didn't have to worry about the rent being a little on the expensive side for now. If it proved to be too much, he could always move and find something cheaper later.

He explained in few words and even fewer details to the owner that he had to move in by the end of the week, if possible; the wizard didn't make any problems since the flat was already vacant, so by the end of the week, as requested, he had moved everything of his into his new apartment, and he had closed the door on his relationship with Sirius.

Unpacking proved to be just as emotionally wrecking as packing had been, and James quickly detached himself again, not wanting to be submerged by the flow of feelings another time. He didn't want to have boxes lying in corners two months later simply because unpacking them was such a hurtful experience.

There, at last, it was over. James had finally unpacked and moved into his new two-room flat near the Ministry of Magic. He put the last book on the shelf that stood on the wall near the desk and sighed. The past week had been hard, much more difficult for him that he could ever had anticipated, while Sirius had been staying at Remus and receiving care and comfort for some curious reason he couldn't begin to fathom.

The first night he spent in his new place proved to him he hadn't moved on – obviously he already knew that – but it showed him how much he still needed Sirius.

He found it difficult to find sleep without his lover curled up close to him. Although they usually spent the night with each on his own side of the bed, they had taken to going to sleep cuddled up with each other, bathing in the other's presence and warmth. After drifting away, they found each other again in the morning, before waking up, to get more comfortable, Sirius' head pillowed on James' chest.

When he finally found sleep, alone in his new bed, it was uneasy, and he woke up several times during the night, automatically searching for his lover on the other side of the bed.

Now that the last box had been emptied, it was easier to recognise himself in this new apartment, and James was sure he would think of it as home in no time.

It felt weird to move into a new place without throwing in a party to celebrate, as they had done after he had moved in with Sirius, but James didn't know who he could invite anyway. He had just lost his lover as well as his best friend, even though he wasn't the one at fault, and he felt like mourning rather than celebrating. Besides, he wasn't so sure about his two other so-called best friends that he still had to hear from.

He had been quite shocked when Sirius had told him that he would go to Remus and Lily's. It had meant that he had been sure he would be welcomed there, despite what he had done to James. It had made James quite angry with Remus as well. The werewolf had adopted the rule, early in James and Sirius' relationship, that he would never interfere between them, that he would never choose a side when they fought, that no matter what, he would remain a loyal friend to both of them. But now it seemed that Remus had broken that promise and sided with Sirius. And it hurt. James thought back to that day, after a nasty quarrel with Sirius, when each of them had tried to rally Remus to his cause, their friend had made them promise they would never do that again, that they would never try to use him or make him chose between his two best friends. He couldn't wait to remind Remus of that fact.

After all, he was the one needing an attentive ear to tell about his misfortune, not that cheating bastard! Most of his anger toward Sirius had been drained in the confrontation, but there were still some remnants of it that came back now and then, like bubbles, unexpected and quick to die. They mostly reappeared when he though about how he had been betrayed and cheated upon without a second thought. The fact alone that Sirius had somehow convinced himself that they would stay together, in spite of that, was enough to make him want to break something.

He hadn't seen the 'Reparo' spell used so much since he had throw a tantrum at the tender age of eight about wanting a puppy when his parents had pointedly refused. He had methodically destroyed pretty much everything in his bedroom, and his mother had patiently repaired his furniture and toys, while explaining that he was too young to take care of a dog, and that they didn't want to be stuck with it when he would go to Hogwarts only three years later. James had been quite upset, although impressed that for once he couldn't make his parents change their minds, but he recalled fondly the night, two weeks later, when they had offered him his owl, Iago, saying he was a useful pet, and that he would be able to bring him to school with him. He still had the same owl, on a perch near the window, and he delivered the letters with the same efficiency that had been making James proud for ten years, not having reached his retiring age yet.

Still thinking about his friends, James tried to recall the last time he had seen Peter. It had been the night of the full moon; Peter had arrived only just in time so they hadn't really had any time to chat before they had needed to transform.

At dawn, Peter had left quickly, saying he was needed somewhere else, not making time to wait with James for Lily to arrive and tend to Moony, as she had always been doing since they had told her the truth at the end of their seventh year. Remus had wanted her to date him knowing what he was, so that she could either accept him or reject him early enough for their feelings to be spared.

Lily hadn't disappointed him; she had kissed him and held him in her arms, shedding tears at the thought of what he had to endure monthly. And she had been present to help Remus in her own way every full moon ever since.

James had wondered about Peter at that time, but he had been more concerned about what had kept his lover at home, and had dismissed the thought quickly. Now that he tried to remember, James realised that he hadn't seen Peter other than in his animagus form for quite some time now. Each time they had invited him over for dinner or had asked him to go somewhere with them, he had always answered that he was otherwise engaged and couldn't change whatever his plans were. He hadn't spent time with Peter since November, when he had come to Sirius' eighteenth birthday party. This was weird, especially considering that Peter had never been a very social guy. Back at Hogwarts, he had only hung out with the three of them, and he hadn't had a girlfriend before seventh year (and the three of them had arranged the first date for him).

So James found it hard to believe little Peter had more friends that he himself did.

Well, it wasn't so difficult for the time being, as it seemed that he himself had none. Combining lover and best friend in one had meant spending every single minute of his free time with Sirius, and he had never taken the time or the pain to make any real friends amongst his work colleagues. Sure, he liked them all right, but there wasn't any real bond there, and he hadn't spent quality time with any of them, other than for a drink or a meal from time to time.

He would need to change that soon, or he could plan long and lonely evenings for the next months. Well, providing that he actually found the urge to go out in the months to come anyway.

Finishing unpacking had made James hungry, so he was about to make himself dinner when he heard a tap-tap noise at the window. When he went to look, he found Remus' owl, Achilles, waiting for him; he took the parchment attached to its leg and unfolded it. The owl was clearly waiting for a reply, making impatient hooting noises at James.

The message read:

James, we need to talk. Send me your new address so that I can come over. Is tonight okay?

It was simple and to the point. It had always amazed him that Remus was able to write a two-foot long essay on any pointless goblin war when asked to in Binns' class (an achievement not equalled to this day), and that he was equally able to write a ten-word letter, keeping it to the essential, when needed.

He went to his desk, retrieved a blank page of parchment, and quickly wrote down his address along with directions to the flat, should Remus decide to come by Muggle transportation. He pointed out that his fireplace wasn't connected to the Floo network yet because he hadn't had the time to fill in a proper application, something he planned to correct this week, as soon as possible.

He folded the message and gave it to the impatient owl that flew away immediately.

James wondered why Remus hadn't asked him to come to his place, or to Floo-call him there; it would have been much simpler. Maybe Sirius was still there and he wanted to avoid a second confrontation, seeing how the first one had turned out. But Sirius should have gone back to the flat days ago – it didn't make any sense. Surely he knew that James had completed his moving out by now; Remus' message had made that clear, if he had ever harboured any doubt.

He was pondering this and the reasons for Remus' urgent tone when he heard someone knocking at the door.

When he opened, he was surprised to see his werewolf friend in front of him – an angry-looking werewolf, judging from the frown on his face.

What could be so urgent that Remus had hurried to his apartment as soon as he had got his reply? A scary thought crossed his mind. Had anything happened to Sirius? Sure, they weren't lovers anymore, they weren't even friends anymore – and they probably would never be again – but he didn't want anything to happen to the other man. Even if he never saw him again, it didn't mean that he didn't care about him anymore, in some way or another.

Silently, he let Remus in, motioning for him to sit on his newly acquired couch.

"So. You came here to enquire about me at last, Remus?" James started, unable to keep the bitterness he felt out of his tone.

"I see you are quite well, James," Remus replied in an icy voice, not sitting but standing in front of James in the middle of the room.

James hated that voice. He had always pitied the one it was addressed to, with reason. But he couldn't understand what he had done to deserve it today.

"You don't seem too concerned about my well-being. I though we were friends!"

"We were. But as much as I wanted to stay out of your problems with Sirius, it was a little hard to ignore your attitude this time!" The anger was blazing in those amber eyes, and reminded James how much of Moony was really in Remus, even when the moon wasn't full.

"But you can ignore what Sirius did to me." James wasn't sure himself if it was more of a statement or a question.

"That's not the point here. How could you do that to him, James? I thought you were a tolerant kind of guy! How could you treat him that low?"

"How could I? What kind of sick joke is that? How could he do that to me? How could he destroy our relationship?" The anger that had faded away in the past week flared up at the mention of Sirius' betrayal.

"I can't believe you're reacting like this, even after what Sirius had told me. I kept thinking that this was just a huge misunderstanding, that you'd come to your senses eventually, that you were just a bit shaken by the news, but it's all true, you're a jerk!"

"So now I'm the one at fault?"

"Of course you are. Do you want to know what happened to Sirius this past week?" He went on without waiting for James' answer, "He showed up at our door in tears, refusing to say anything, no matter how many times I asked what was wrong. We had to wait two days to learn what had happened. When I suggested I try to find you, at work or at the apartment, he became hysterical. I had never seen him like that. We were actually frightened! After two days of crying, curled up on our couch, he finally told us the whole story and I couldn't believe my ears. I would never have imagined you could react like that. Not in a million years. It took him the whole week to compose himself so he could go back to the flat. During all that time I told him that maybe you had overreacted and that you were waiting for him, regretting your harsh words. I don't know if he believed me or not, but it only took him three hours to show up on my doorstep again, James! Three frigging hours! He explained you had done as he had asked and left, before going back straight to the couch!"

Remus took the time to breathe between two fits of anger.

"I thought you loved him, James!"

"Are you done?" James asked in a placid tone. So what if Sirius was greatly affected by their breaking up? It didn't mean anything, it was his own fault! Remus had no right to come here and tell him he was responsible! Of course he had gasped a little at hearing that Sirius had cried all week over him, but his concern had quickly been drowned in his hurt and anger.

"Yes, I am."

"Why did you come here tonight? To insult me?"

"No. I wanted to hear it form your mouth. I guess I still thought Sirius had exaggerated. But I was wrong. I don't understand."

"I loved him, he betrayed me. It's over! I don't see what's difficult to understand in that!"

"He betrayed you?"

"Yes, he betrayed me, and he lied to me, about something important, for over three weeks! How could I ever trust him again after that?"

"You're a fool, James. What you had with Sirius was precious. You shouldn't have quit like that."

"He's the one who did that. Why don't I deserve some consideration?"

"Think about it, you'll figure it out. Eventually," Remus said as he walked to the door. He opened it and went away without another word.

"Bollocks!" James yelled after him.

He stared at the closed door for a while, not sure as to what had just happened.

Why on Earth did everyone make him the one responsible for their break-up?

Why was Sirius so touched by this? He was the one that had started everything, wasn't he? Or was it just a ploy to see how James coped without him?

Well, he did fairly well, better than that even. He did not need Sirius to survive!

With a resolute nod, James went to the kitchen to see about finally getting some dinner in peace, in his new home.

Next chapter: Where the simplest ideas are the best