Title: Doubts
Author: Egwene
Rating: T
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of his relatives, friends, lovers, professors, enemies… pets, sex toys, sexy looking godfathers or gorgeous werewolves of his acquaintance D
Summary: AU – James and Sirius are a couple and living together after Hogwarts, but when James plans a romantic dinner with his boyfriend, not everything goes according to plan… Is Sirius hiding something from his lover?
A/N: Thanks to Sophocles for the incredible beta. What would I do without you?
Chapter 7: Where the simplest ideas are the best
It was already one month and a half since they had broken up.
It was only one month and a half since they had broken up.
The memories of the fight were still raw in James' mind. The hurt from Sirius' betrayal still clung to his heart, especially at night, when he went to bed alone.
He missed Sirius so much one could have thought they had been separated for a year instead of month, but at the same time, he could still feel his ex-lover's presence around him when he got depressed and thought too much about him.
James didn't regret his decision to confront Sirius, and therefore end a relationship that obviously had no future, since the two parties involved couldn't be honest with each other.
But he regretted that they hadn't found a way to make it work; he couldn't deny that the year he had spent with Sirius had been the best in his life, and that he was miserable without him.
He hadn't tried dating other people; sure, he had had propositions – lots of them, in fact – but he hadn't had the heart to take up on any of them yet. He explained each time that he preferred to heal alone, as silly as it might have seemed, that he'd be back in the dating game in no time, and that when it would be the case, he'd call them on their offer. But he never did. Getting over Sirius was too hard. He couldn't refrain himself from comparing each and everyone of those eligible dates to him, obviously none of them could measure up to the high standards that Sirius had set.
Valentine's Day came and went, another day spent alone.
James even tried to socialise with his work colleagues, but it never went further than a dinner on the occasion.
Each day looked like the one before, James keeping himself busy between his work at the Ministry and the work he still did for the Order.
Since they weren't a very organised group, the risk of running into one of his previous friends during an Order assignment was minimal. He saw Remus once or twice during meetings with Dumbledore, but they just ignored each other politely, and that was the end of it.
Suddenly, on a very ordinary day in March, James' life was shattered again.
He was working at his desk, silently bitching about the mountain of paperwork that had accumulated over the weekend, when one of his co-workers, Daniel, came in to ask for advice. The question asked and answered, the other wizard was making his way out when he seemed to remember something.
"Oh! I forgot. Did you read the Prophet this morning?"
"No. I don't read that piece of shit anymore. Why?" James didn't elaborate that he couldn't stand reading the paper his ex-lover was writing for, mainly because reading the name 'Sirius Black' at the end of an article reminded him every time of how much he missed the man.
"Well, they said that that guy Regulus Black had been found dead yesterday." He added in a hushed tone, "They used the Killing Curse on him. He was wearing the Dark Mark on his arm. I think you went to school with his brother, Sirius Black, isn't it?"
James was thunderstruck; Regulus had been a Death Eater.
Regulus was dead. He never made it out of Hogwarts. He focused his vision and noticed Daniel watching him expectantly from the doorframe.
He had to give him some kind of answer. "Yeah. We were at Hogwarts together."
He had never hidden the fact that he was bisexual, to anybody, but he hadn't advertised his relationship with Sirius either. Their close friends had known the truth and that had been enough.
"Did you know his younger brother too?"
Damn the guy was persistent. Well, the Blacks were a well-known, influential family, much more so than the Potters, so gossip over Regulus' death was to be expected, especially by the people who didn't know the first thing about him on a personal level.
"No. Sirius isn't close to any member of his family." Well, except perhaps his cousin Andromeda and her husband, but the guy didn't need to know that.
"Yeah?" Daniel was obviously expecting more interesting details.
Couldn't the guy take a hint?
"Absolutely. They're all a bunch of pure-blood fanatics anyway. Talking to them is a waste of time."
There, he had given the other wizard enough material for at least a week's worth of gossip and speculations.
Daniel proved he could take a hint indeed – given the time – and quickly escaped James' office after waving him goodbye.
James tried his hardest to go back to work, but his mind refused to cooperate.
Regulus was dead.
Sirius had told the truth about his being a Death Eater.
He had told him the truth, and James had later dismissed it because of the distrustful mood that had settled between them.
Merlin, what else had he been wrong about?
Could it be possible that Sirius hadn't been cheating on him?
But why would he have admitted so if it wasn't the case?
The dull throbbing pain in his temples soon became a full blown migraine from the endless possibilities that this revelation made him envision.
He decided he wouldn't do any more productive work that day, so it was better to take the rest of the day off and go back home.
He took the underground instead of Apparating on his doorstep, not wanting to get splinched in two because he was too distracted.
When he arrived in his small flat, he went straight to bed, the simple idea of food making him nauseous. He took his clothes off and fell on the bed, the blinds drawn to give him the quietness and the shadow that alone could appease his headache.
He had thought that sleep would actually be difficult to find – as it always was these days – but he fell into a deep but troubled slumber almost immediately, even though it was only one in the afternoon.
His dreams were filled with Sirius, a gentle loving Sirius who was asking James why he had abandoned him, an angry looking Sirius who was yelling at him for the hurtful words he had attacked him with during their fight, a fragile Sirius who was asking him to love him again despite what he had done...
So many faces, so many possible scenarios, but none of them was true. Sirius never wanted to see him again; he had told him so, and up until now he had kept his promise.
Three hours later, James woke up drenched in cold sweat, not rested, but with the headache gone.
He sat on the edge of the bed, the room still dark, and put his head in his hands.
The fact that Sirius hadn't lied about everything didn't mean that he hadn't cheated on him. The man had told him it was true!
He had see Sirius and his other lover with his own eyes!
James had made the right choice!
So, why did it hurt so much? Why did he feel so bad about it still?
He lay back on the bed and went back to sleep, trying to avoid the issue and the consequences of the earlier revelation.
The next morning he felt refreshed, and with a better disposition with which to affront the world. He got up, his stomach growling to remind him that he hadn't eaten anything since yesterday's breakfast, and decided to go out to have a copious meal.
He chose a nice and cosy place that he used to go to with Sirius, where they served the most delicious French pastries. On his way, he managed to find a copy of the previous issue of the Prophet, to read the article on Regulus' dearth by himself.
Five minutes later, he arrived at 'Le Croissant au Beurre' and took a seat in the back of the room, where he knew he wouldn't be disturbed by the other – sometimes noisy – customers.
He didn't have to look far for the article, it was right under his nose, the whole first page was dedicated to it. He vaguely remembered something about Sirius telling him that the editor had been threatened by influential Death Eaters like the Malfoys so he wouldn't print anything about them. He couldn't suppress a grin and a proud feeling in thinking that Sirius had probably bullied the man into changing his policy after that meeting, if they had dared to publish something about the Heir of the Black Family being a Death Eater.
He read the article thoroughly, filling in the blanks from what he knew about Regulus Black and Voldemort. The boy had been killed by the Dark Lord in person it seemed, because he hadn't complied with an order. So he hadn't been all bad. That was a somewhat comforting thought. Too bad that Sirius hadn't been able to convince him this was an error before it was too late.
Sirius. James realised with a start that he didn't have the faintest clue on how his ex-lover was taking his brother's death. It must have hit him pretty hard, especially since, from what Sirius had said, he had tried to prevent such an ending after foreseeing it. Was Sirius feeling guilty? Was he hurt? Had he tried to prevent his brother's death?
He scanned the rest of the paper, but there was no information whatsoever on the shortcomings of the other Black child. Sirius was mentioned somewhere; the author of the article explained that he was the new heir to the Black fortune now that his younger brother was dead, even if his parents had disowned him a few years prior. The journalist, who seemed to be a fan of the aristocratic grapevine, also explained that Sirius' mother wasn't at all pleased by the result, and was currently hiring a bunch of lawyers to prove that Lucius Malfoy, or rather his newly born son Draco Malfoy, was the true heir to the Black fortune. He also said that Sirius hadn't commented on the facts yet, as he had made himself scarce these last days.
James could totally relate to that. Although Sirius had been one of Hogwarts most popular students - and he never went anywhere without being noticed – he hated publicity, even more when it was based on his association to the Black family.
He had an urge to go and see if Sirius was okay - this whole business had to be hard on him – but he realised his presence would most likely be unwelcome.
It was almost funny how much, even after the anger, the betrayal, the hurt, he still wanted to comfort Sirius through this ordeal.
But all he could do was hope he was okay, and go on with his life.
No matter how much James wanted to, this new development didn't change the basic facts, and the reason for their break up with still valid – or was it?
After all, Sirius hadn't run to his other lover, he had run to Remus, and according to the werewolf, he had stayed there the whole week after James' departure. Through his angry state, it hadn't struck him as odd, but now it did, and very much so. If he had been in love with someone else and Sirius had broken up with him, he surely would have run towards that other person for love and comfort. Why then had Sirius taken residence on his friend's couch?
For the twentieth time since the previous evening, James wondered if he had missed something when he had drawn his conclusions on Sirius' affair. It didn't seem possible; every clue had clicked with the next in a perfect puzzle set. What other explanation could there have been? Plus, Sirius had fucking admitted to having an affair! There was no way James had been wrong.
It was just his broken heart speaking.
He finished drinking his third cup of coffee, paid the check, and headed for work, pushing all thought of Sirius aside.
Four days later, James was quietly sipping tea in his living room, a good book in hands, when he heard someone knocking at the door.
He shut his book and laid it aside, before getting his wand ready and going to open the door.
He could count the number of people who had his address on the fingers of one hand, and he didn't see why any of them would pay him a visit at this late hour. He preferred to be cautious. The Death Eaters attacks had multiplied since Regulus' death had been discovered, as if they felt they were entitled to work more in the open now.
Although logic dictated that Death Eaters would not be knocking at his door, but forcing their way through it, one could never be too wary. He preferred to look stupid than dead.
Slowly, he opened the door, prepared to see one of his neighbours asking him for sugar or some milk, or even one of his work colleagues whom he liked and enjoyed sharing a meal with. But what he wasn't ready to see was a bedraggled Remus, pleading him with wide eyes to let him enter.
He made a quick calculation; the full moon had only been two days ago, Remus had to be very tired still, so whatever had led him to James' apartment had to be quite important.
He let the werewolf in without a word, and closed the door behind him.
They both sat down on the couch, Remus clearly relieved at not having to stand through the conversation. James waited for him to speak first.
"James, I realise we didn't part in good terms the last time I saw you," he started.
"You could say that."
"Yes. Well, I was quite annoyed with you at that time. I don't even remember what I said. I didn't think most of it."
"So you did think part of it?" James replied, not quite satisfied with the apology, even if he was grateful for it.
"Well… you deserved some of it…" Remus answered, looking confused, worried, and completely exhausted.
"Are you here for a repeat performance?" James asked, not sure he knew where this was leading, but certain he didn't want to fight again with Remus. If anything, he wanted his friend back, but he found it hard to accept the mild excuse Remus was offering him.
"No, I want your help," Remus said with an honest face.
"Okay, that's direct. What do you want me to help you with?" James asked, before adding, "And why should I help you with whatever your problem is?" The bitterness was still very much present in his tone.
"It's about Sirius."
"What happened?" James asked, quite concerned suddenly.
"I don't know," Remus answered. And James realised how much the last full moon surely had taken on him if he only kept to three-words sentences.
"What do you mean? Come on, Remus, give me a little more information here," James pleaded. Sirius was dead. This was his fault somehow. No, Sirius wasn't dead, Remus had asked for his help, surely he wouldn't need any help if the man were dead. What if he needed the money for a decent burial? He knew Remus didn't make much money, and with the wedding approaching… His thoughts were interrupted when Remus started talking again.
"I need to know how to get past the wards of the flat."
"Why? What does it have to do with Sirius?"
"I haven't had any news since Regulus' death. You do know that Sirius' brother is dead, right?" On James' affirmative nod, he went on. "Usually, he gives me news every two or three days, you know, so that I know he's okay, but I haven't talked to him for five days now and I'm getting worried."
"Have you tried the Floo network?"
"His fireplace has been disconnected since last month, he said it was too dangerous, and he wasn't using it as much as before."
"Can't you Apparate inside the flat?"
"No. The wards prevent that. That's the first thing I tried, what do you think?" Remus replied in an annoyed tone.
"Owl post?"
"Achilles comes back with the message, like he couldn't find the one it was addressed to."
"Has Lily tried too?"
"Yes. She didn't have more success though."
"But, the full moon was two days ago, wasn't he with you? I mean, I know how important it is for Sirius. Padfoot is always there when Moony needs him."
"Hum. No. Sirius isn't transforming into his Animagus form right now. It could be dangerous. I'm really worried, James. You know this shit with his brother had to have affected him!" Remus really looked desperate.
James briefly wondered why Remus would think that the Animagus transformation could suddenly be dangerous for Sirius. The process in itself was quite harmless once you had succeeded in casting the spell, and Moony had never hurt any of them more than the occasional scratch during a wild run through the woods. He would ask Remus later what he had meant, but there were more urgent matters at hand right now.
He ran his hand through his hair, like he always did when he was thinking hard on resolving a problem (although the problem had more often had to do with pranks and Slytherins while he was at school).
"You're right. Do you have a copy of the key?" he asked after a while.
"What key?"
"The one that opens the main door."
"There's a key?" Remus couldn't have looked more surprised. "No. As far as I knew, he always looked it with a simple 'alohomora' charm." He looked perplexed.
"Usually, yes. But when the wards are in place, you need the key to get them down. He was to one to imagine that, he said that no Death Eater would think of that."
Before Remus could answer, James stood up, walked to the desk and started ruffling through different drawers.
"I think I've still got mine. I… I couldn't sent it back to him after I moved out."
He continued to look for the precious item in silence, hoping that Remus would understand and not question him any further on why he had kept that key. Owling back the key to the flat had seemed so final; James hadn't been able to keep his resolve to do it when he had moved out. After a while, when he had thought about it again, it had been three weeks later, and he hadn't seen the point in returning it. Either Sirius did mind that he still had a key and he had had the locks changed – so there wasn't any point in returning a useless key – or Sirius didn't mind – and then, no reason to return it either.
Whether or not Remus understood the dilemma that had torn James, he stayed silent, waiting for James to finish emptying the drawers of the little desk.
After a few minutes, James held a small silver key in the air.
"I've got it!"
"Okay. Thanks. I'll try that."
"No way. I'm coming with you," James countered, stopping Remus' hand from grabbing the key. "First, this is silver, and I don't want to see you hurt, and second, I know these wards much better than you do, it'll be faster if I come with you."
Remus looked much too exhausted to argue; he nodded.
James grabbed his coat and they Apparated in front of Sirius' flat.
Being there again, after almost two months, was a lot to bear, and James started to feel a little light-headed. Remus put a comforting hand on his arm.
"Listen, you don't have to come in. Just help me to open the door."
Again, James nodded without a word.
He started to work on the wards that Sirius had set. They weren't exactly the same they had devised together all those months ago, but close enough so that he progressed quickly.
Finally he was able to open the door.
When he looked inside, nothing would have prepared him to the sight of a pale, unconscious, very pregnant Sirius sprawled on the floor in front of the coffee table.
Next chapter: Where good ideas are discussed