02:14 – The price I pay
Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion or any of the characters they are the property of their respective creators. Please be aware that no profit is being made from this work of fan fiction.
I spent the following few days alone, save from the nurses coming into check on me and bring me my meals I saw no-one else. Neither Asuka, nor Rei, nor Misato came to visit me this time, most likely because of what had happened. In the end the nurses had very kindly brought me a TV and so I spent much of my time idly watching various shows, trying not to think about home…Misato's apartment is my home now, the first place I can remember that I have called by that name. I don't remember living with my parent at all and after that I lived with my teacher and that was certainly not somewhere I could have called home. Misato's was the first place I felt welcome and despite the fact she had me doing almost all the chores I felt comfortable there. Asuka's arrival had changed that at first, when she first moved in it had been difficult, by then I had gotten used to Misato's morning attire but Asuka was a different story entirely. Thankfully her attitude forced me to keep my distance somewhat and so it never really got in the way…not until we kissed.
Although I didn't admit it at the time I never really kissed a girl before, that was my first time. The feel of her lips against mine had been electric, shocks running through my whole body as it surged with unfamiliar desires. If it hadn't been for her fingers clasping my nose shut, stopping me from breathing I would have taken it deeper, responding to the desires within me. As it was I had been forced to break away, that or pass out from lack of oxygen…part of me wonders what would she have done had I fainted, would she have still stormed away? That's the problem with having nothing to do, it leaves you time to think about things. Ever since that first contact things have been moving so quickly, everything has been like a blur. This is the first time I have really been able to stop and consider it all, to try and understand what has been happening.
I don't understand Asuka, why she switches from happy to angry and back again. One moment she is yelling at me to keep away from her and the next she is yelling because I am too far away…I don't understand, I can't figure out how she feels about me anymore than I could the laws of thermal expansion. I wish someone could explain it to me…although this time I hope they don't do it in such an embarrassing way. She seemed to warm up to me a little after the kiss but then when I got bet synch scores she turned hostile again. Then, after the angel she was nice at first but then hostile again when Misato arrived. Again she seemed to be trying to be nice to me at the apartment but went hostile when she saw Ayanami kiss me…
Rei remains an even bigger mystery. I still remember when she slapped me after I doubted my father, the feel of her breast against my palm when I fell on her that time. With Asuka everything is all out, full on intensity but with Ayanami it's the other way. She never seems to react to anything, the slap and more recently her coming onto me are the only times I can recall her having a reaction to anything. I wish I could understand what changed, why she suddenly started showing an interest in me and more importantly why she is so willing to show me her body…in truth I've come to see her more as a friend, perhaps even a sister in some ways. It feels awkward when she looks at me that way, there wasn't the same spark in her kiss…
My thoughts were broken by a familiar sound, one I had been dreading. The angel alarms had flared into life, signalling the arrival of the next angel. In my current condition there would be nothing I could do, nothing but sit in the shelters with the rest of the civilians and pray, pray that they could beat the angel without me, that they would both be ok…
"Mr Ikari?"
I looked up to see a nurse standing in the doorway, a wheelchair in front of her, obviously meant for me.
"All the patients are being moved down into the hospital's shelter until the attack is over. If you can get into this chair I will wheel you down there."
I felt resentment bubble up inside me, I was no invalid, I could walk on my own two feet. I considered saying this but on seeing the look in the nurse's eyes, the obvious signs of overwork and worry I held my tongue, silently slipping out of the bed and into the proffered seat. She wheeled me away in silence, stopping once or twice to speak briefly with other nurses who passed by, never saying more than a few words. From what I could tell they were having difficulty moving al the patients, there were too many people to move and too few moving them. Frustrated, at one point I had told her I could wheel myself to allow her to go and deal with the others. She had immediately replied that it was not possible, as a pilot my safety came first. Not for the first time I cursed my fate, the fact that other people would suffer because of me…
The shelter itself was none too pleasant, it was not meant to house so many people so everyone was packed in tightly, bed pushed together to make more space. The whole place reeked of sickness and decay and it was in this place of suffering and death I was abandoned. Left to my own devices I allowed my self to sink back into my thoughts until someone called my name.
"Shinji…?"
I looked up to see a girl looking at me, as far as I could tell she seemed to be no more than nine years old. For some reason this strange girl seemed familiar to me, something about her reminded me of someone I knew. I reached down to the wheels of my chair, sliding myself closer to her so we could speak.
"You're Shinji Ikari right?"
I nodded in response, still unsure why this girl knew my name and still unable to shake that nagging feeling at the back of my brain.
"My big brother told me about you, he said you were a good person."
Then it clicked as I realised who this girl reminded me of.
"You're Toji's little sister aren't you…Mari?"
She nodded, a small smile creeping over her face, obviously pleased that I had remembered her name. I looked at her again, as if seeing her for the first time, taking in the bandages wrapped across her small frame, the metal framework wrapped around her legs…
"I'm sorry…"
She looked at me, a confused expression on her face.
"Why?"
"Because you were injured because of me, because I wasn't able to pilot the robot properly."
She shook her head.
"But you saved us, the nurses said that you saved us all from dying, that you were a hero."
I smiled sadly at her, feeling both gladdened and saddened by her words, warmed by her faith in me but sad because I knew they were untrue, I am no hero.
"I told my brother that after he told me he hit you, you shouldn't hit heroes."
For the life of me I could not bear to tell her the truth, to say just how much of a coward I really am. I simply sat there, listening to her words of praise, hearing only her small coughs, the sounds she made as she occasionally winced in pain. This was because of me, even if I had saved us all from third impact I had failed to save this girl, my failure, that was what was important to me.
"Shinji?"
I snapped out of my thoughts when she called my name, feeling a little embarrassed that I had drifted off while she was talking.
"Yes Mari?"
"What's it like?"
Still half lost in my thoughts I didn't understand her question.
"What's what like?"
"Piloting the robot."
For a moment I had a feeling of deja vu, my mind racing back to the moment a few days ago when Toji had asked me that exact same question. Something sparked in my mind and I was on the verge of an important realisation when Mari tugged on my sleeve.
"Shinji?"
"Huh?"
"You looked strange for a moment there, are you ok?"
"It's nothing. I'm fine…"
I once again remembered her question and began trying to explain although with little success.
"Piloting the Eva is like…I don't know how o describe it. It's like…you and it are the same, you feel what it feels as if it's body was your own."
She looked at me, confused.
"So, you feel like a giant robot?"
"In a sense…I'm not really sure how to describe it any better than that. It's something you really have to experience to understand."
"Ok."
It was then that I finally asked the question that had been at the back of my mind since she asked me about it.
"Mari…why did you want to know about the Eva?"
"Because my brother told me he was going to be a pilot. I wanted to know what it was going to be like for him."
In that instant it all fell into place. Toji's final words made sense to me now, he wasn't sure if he would come back alive…lost for words and yet afraid of silence lest I make Mari worry I forced myself to smile, asking her about her time in the hospital, desperately hoping that everything would be alright.
When the attack finally ended the same nurse from before arrived to wheel me back to my room. I bid farewell to Mari, leaving her with a promise that I would come and visit her as soon as they let me out of the hospital. How long that would be exactly I did not know but however long it took I swore that I would keep this promise. When at last we arrived and she stopped to open the door I was surprised to find that the room was no longer empty, that a second bed was now in the room, this one closer to the window while my was nearer the door. At first I didn't recognise the person laying there but, as I got closer and caught a glimpse of the side of their face I at once recognised them.
"Toji!"
He didn't respond at first. His eyes were closed and he did not seem to react when I called his name.
"Toji!"
I tried again, this time he stirred slightly, his eyes opening as he turned his head to look at me. When he spoke his voice was faint and raspy.
"Shinji?"
Ignoring the nurse's protests I wheeled myself over to him, stopping at his bedside. It was then I finally noticed something I had missed before, where his right arm and leg should have been was empty space…he was alive but at what cost? Something had gone wrong and now he was for want of a better word crippled. I could only wonder if it would have been different had I been there, if Unit-01 had been able to take part in the battle.
"Toji…what happened? How did this…?"
I trailed off, not knowing what to say. His eyes slid closed and after a moment I assumed he had slipped back into unconsciousness. I turned to the nurse, needing to know what had happened, why he had been hurt so badly. Not thinking I stood up, grasping the woman by the shoulders, shaking her slightly.
"What happened to him? Tell me!"
"His…his arm and leg were crushed and had to be amputated. He received a series of lacerations to his head neck and chest as well as minor concussion."
"How?"
"I…I don't know. The people who brought him in, they were saying something about a purple Eva."
I let the trembling woman go, stumbling away from her. Trying to understand how unit-01 could have been involved when I was here, in the hospital.
"Why?"
Raising my eyes to the heavens I screamed.
"WHY GOD? WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME!"
Then, as I feel to my knees as the pain in my chest rose once again I knew nothing but darkness.
AN: If there is one thing in this world I really hate it has to be auditors, right at this moment my company is about to be audited and because every other, insert swear word of choice, is going to be elsewhere I get to deal with them. Hence I have no time at the moment as I am busy preparing everything for their arrival…I miss University and the days I actually had time for things…
Juggled with this chapter are updates for Forgotten and In a Perfect World, a Naruto one shot, lots of first chapters (about another six or more stories as I keep getting inspiration but no time to write) and perhaps the first thoughts about continuing No, as soon as I sort out the second chapter onwards.
Ok, enough ranting, thanks all for the support.
Till next time,
Hououza02 is not preread.