Derek didn't move, his eyes fixed unfocused on Meredith's face. She was pregnant.
"How far along was she?" he asked quietly, still not moving his eyes from her face.
"Looks about eight weeks," Bailey said, placing her hand on top of one of Derek's, which was resting on Meredith's leg.
Derek didn't say anything. He feared that if he did, everything he had eaten in the past day would make its way back to the surface.
"Did you say was pregnant?" Derek asked, finally looking up into Bailey's face. Her hand had still not moved from his.
"Derek..." she said soothingly.
"Don't sugar-coat this for me Miranda. Tell it to me as it is. Honestly," he said. "I need to know."
Bailey just shook her head, a sad, somber expression on her face.
"Look at this Shepherd," she said, tugging gently on Meredith's gown and pulling it up until her stomach, which was slightly bumped, was showing. Derek looked down. All across her abdomen were severe bruises, purple and black with damage.
"Do you really think a baby could survive this?" she asked, her voice laced with concern.
Derek could feel the tears burning behind his eyes and Meredith, who was still lying awake in the bed, flinched to hear him sniffle. He was crying.
"But lucky for you," Bailey persisted, causing Derek to look back up into her face, his tear stained eyes clouded over with grief. "It did."
"What," he asked, his voice cracking with emotion that he had been trying to hold in.
"The baby is still alive. But only just. I would be surprised if Meredith is allowed to leave this hospital bed until that baby is born if she wants it to live. Look, the chances aren't good. The baby has sustained extraordinary damage; it's a miracle that it's still alive. But it is," Bailey finished.
Meredith could hold her emotion in no longer. She, like the father of her child, had though that the baby had been lost. And to hear that it had not was just too much to bear while pretending to be asleep. She opened her eyes, trying her best to hold onto the tears, which were waiting to be pored over. She sniffled and let one tear escape; but only one. But Derek had looked up to her face at the sound and saw the lone tear making its way down her rosy cheek. His insides burned with the guilt of having done this to her. To have, in his eyes, bee the reason she had been involved in the crash, to have made her kept this awful secret all to herself. If only he hadn't chosen Addison. Then Meredith would have told him and he would have chosen her. Or at least have had an excuse to tell Addison.
"We're you awake for that Grey?" Bailey asked Meredith, snapping Derek out of his reverie.
She simply nodded.
"Alright. Well I'll leave the two of you here alone. Grey you know where the panic button is if he gets on your nerves," she said with a smile, backed out of the room and closed the door behind her.
Derek didn't know what to say, had no words of consolation. So he simply allowed his thoughts to slip back into his mind. Why hadn't Meredith told him? Surely at two months she would have known that she was pregnant. Then why not tell him? He had only chosen Addison a couple of weeks ago and she had surely known by then. If only she had told him. Then he would have chosen her. So why didn't she tell him?
Derek knew that Meredith could see him for the person he really was. The kind, loving, humble doctor who always tried to do the right thing. That's why it didn't make sense for her not to tell him. And then it struck him like a sharp bolt of lightening. She wanted him to love her. She didn't want him to choose her because she was having his baby. She wanted him to choose her over Addison, to love her because of who she was and not because he felt burdened to. The guilt roared up inside of him again and he finally opened his eyes and looked into her face. She looked exhausted. Like she had just been in a car crash, which was to be expected he guessed. Her eyes were closed, one hand resting protectively over her stomach.
"I'm sorry." It was all that he could get out. All that he could manage to say. He was in so much pain right now. How was he supposed to take away hers? Not knowing what else to do, he picked up the hand that wasn't on her stomach, intertwining his fingers with hers. She didn't say a word.
Thinking that he already knew the answer, Derek asked, "Why didn't you tell me?" His voice was soft and caring. It wasn't a demand it was a plea. It was tearing Meredith apart trying to hold in her emotions. But she stood strong and did just that.
"I wanted you to choose me because you loved me," not because you felt like it was the right thing to do," she said, confirming his suspicions. He was still at a loss for words.
"I'm sorry," he said again. Meredith shut her eyes tight as though trying to shut out the pain the world kept throwing in her face. Her mother had altizimhers and cancer, then her boyfriend dumps her for his wife while she's pregnant with his child, then she gets into a car accident and learns that her baby may not make it. Derek felt like it was all his fault, which, in a way, was correct. But Meredith would never purposely make him feel that kind of guilt, even though he was feeling it already.
"What can I do for you? Can I get you anything?" he asked quietly, rubbing his thumb over her cold knuckles.
"I'm fine," she said stubbornly. Of course she wasn't, but Derek Shepherd was the last person she would turn to for comfort.
"No you're not," he said, equally as stubbornly. "Mer." he let the rest of his sentence hang in the air, giving her a look that clearly showed all of his emotions.
"Derek you've done enough, really," she said, pulling her hand away from his, too afraid that if she let him in it would be all the more harder to let him go again.
"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked, his voice raising slightly.
"Just...leave," she said, looking down to her swollen stomach. "Please." It was a whisper, a plea. It broke his heart to see her in so much pain when all he wanted to do was take it away.
"Meredith," he began. But she gave him a cold, hard look, her delicate features pulled into a hard glare. But beneath her tough exterior, Derek could yet again see the emotions she had hid in her eyes. They really were the windows to her soul, or her emotions at the least. He sighed, admitting defeat, and left the room, walking down the hall, the sound of his shoes echoing off the walls. As he rounded the first corner, Bailey passed him. She grabbed his arm and pulled him back so they were facing each other.
"How'd it go?" she asked sincerely.
Derek merely gave her a look that stated all she needed to know and walked away, leaving a sad but understanding Bailey behind. Thinking that maybe Meredith could do with some company, she headed down the hall that Derek had been walking away from and into Meredith's room. She had changed positions, her back now facing the door, her knees slightly curled up to her chest.
"Grey?" Bailey asked, walking in and pulling up the same stool she had been sitting on before. She placed a motherly hand on her back but Meredith continued to stare out the window, feigning interest in a bird trying unsuccessfully to pull a piece of old lettuce from the gutter.
"You ok?" she asked. Meredith turned around to face her.
"No," she answered truthfully. "We got in an argument...Sort of."
"Anything I can do?"
"You can give me a hug," Meredith said, slowly letting her tears leak out of her eyes. Bailey leaned forward and wrapped her arms around Meredith, feeling her interns arms go around her clasp together at her back. Miranda held Meredith's head to her shoulder, letting her cry onto her scrubs. Five minutes later when her tears had run dry, Meredith let go and straightened herself up, wiping the back of her hand over her eyes to rid them of the tears.
"You wanna know something Grey?" Bailey asked, trying to lighten the mood.
Meredith gave her a curious look, signaling to Bailey to continue.
"Were both going to be mothers," she said with a sly smile before backing out of the room and running straight into Derek who was clearly waiting for her to finish talking to Meredith. Bailey and Shepherd just stood there looking at each other, both waiting for the other to say something.
"You can go in and see her you know," Bailey said.
"No. She's made it perfectly clear that she wants nothing to do with me. And I can't blame her. She's better off without me."
"She's carrying your baby Shepherd," Bailey said sternly.
Derek just ran a tired hand through his hair and sighed deeply.
"Can we just go get some coffee?" Derek asked sadly.
Bailey took pity on him and nodded her head yes. They headed off down the hall but before they could take two steps toward the cafeteria, the lights and alarms of a code blue went off, snapping them from their break and immediately switching them back into doctor mode.
"All available doctors to room 219 immediately. Code blue," a voice over the intercom sounded.
Shepherd and Bailey looked at each other, 219 was only two steps away. Derek ran first and stopped suddenly outside the door of 219 where a woman lay flat lining in her bed. Bailey pushed past Derek and ran into the room, Derek following her but not helping save the girls life. She wasn't just any woman, no that she was not. There she lay, her heart monitor showing no signs of life, her face pale and lifeless, Meredith Grey.