Title: Doubts
Author: Egwene
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of his relatives, friends, lovers, professors, enemies… pets, sex toys, sexy looking godfathers or gorgeous werewolves of his acquaintance D
Summary: AU – James and Sirius are a couple and living together after Hogwarts, but when James plans a romantic dinner with his boyfriend, not everything goes according to plan… Is Sirius hiding something from his lover?
A/N: Thanks to Sophocles for the incredible beta. What would I do without you?
This chapter is dedicated to Axis who waited a whole MONTH for it ;-)
Chapter 8: Where good ideas are discussed
James had been pacing down the hall for the better part of an hour when Remus lost his patience and stopped him.
"Sit down, James. You're making me nervous."
James sat down next to his friend, placing his head in his hands with a heavy sigh.
He had not spoken a word during the last hour, despite all the times he had opened his mouth to speak.
Remus and James had brought Sirius to Saint Mungo's in a hurry; the man had not awakened during the joint Apparition, and that particular fact had worried James a great deal.
They had gone directly to the part of the gynaecology wing where the pregnant women were treated. He had been taken to a room, and they hadn't seen him since.
In contrast to his outward silence, James' mind was reeling.
Pregnant. Sirius was pregnant. How long? Who? When? What? Why?
So many questions were crushing his mind, he couldn't think straight.
From the look of it, Sirius was at least four or five months pregnant. James didn't know much about pregnancy, and with good reason. He had never thought he would be concerned first hand, but he knew the signs didn't show until about the fourth month, usually. At least, that had been the case with Molly Weasley's first kids.
He and Sirius had broken up less than a couple months ago, so it had to mean the kid was his, didn't it?
He was going to have a child with Sirius! How did that happen? Only witches could have children, not wizards, right? Sure, with Sirius he had an... unconventional sexual relationship, but wizards were not built to have children. Damn. That was so confusing.
But they had broken up because Sirius had been unfaithful and was seeing someone else. Could the child be Sirius and his other lover's, and not James'?
To his great surprise, that thought was hurting James even more than the fact that Sirius had betrayed him. He wanted that child to be his. He wanted to share that experience with Sirius.
What would happen now? Should they get back together?
They would soon form a new family, wouldn't they?
Surely that meant they had to raise their child together. Sirius couldn't do that alone.
But James had to face the hard reality that Sirius had known he was pregnant and that he hadn't tried to contact him during the past month, he hadn't tried to get James to talk to him.
Would James have listened to him?
Thinking, there, on that bench, waiting for news from Sirius, James was sure that he would have listened to his ex-lover explaining about their child.
Maybe Sirius not having spoken to him about it only meant that it wasn't his child. Merlin, had Sirius been cheating on him for all this time? Had James been blind to it all? He had to have some answers to those questions!
How could he sit here, waiting and wondering? He was going to go mad with the uncertainty.
Suddenly, the answer seemed so simple to him, he should have thought about it earlier. Remus.
His friend hadn't seemed surprised by Sirius' state when they had burst into the flat. He hadn't said anything, but he had tacitly confirmed the pregnancy when he had directed James to the gynaecology wing so that Sirius could receive the appropriate treatment.
Remus had known all that time! That was probably why he had been so concerned by Sirius' health and the fact that he hadn't had any news in several days.
Remus had remained Sirius' friend, offering him support when he had needed it.
James turned his head toward the werewolf.
"How long has he been pregnant?"
Remus looked at James curiously.
"Shouldn't you be discussing this with Sirius instead?"
"He isn't there at the moment, and I need some answers, Moony. Please?"
"How come you don't know? I thought that you two had talked about that when you broke up."
"No. I wasn't even aware that he was pregnant," James answered, troubled by the awkward turn the conversation was taking.
He was going to press further when an odd thought hit him.
"Moony, why isn't Sirius' lover with him? I... I thought they would start living together when I left the flat. Why haven't you contacted him yet?"
"What lover?" asked a stricken Remus.
"The person Sirius was seeing when we broke up," James said with an impatient tone in his voice.
"There is no one. Sirius didn't want to hear about dating again. He said he was fine alone."
James gasped. "What?"
"There isn't anyone else; there has never been anyone else but you, James."
"But..." What was Remus saying? Sirius had admitted he had cheated on James!
"Why would you think that?" Remus seemed genuinely interested, puzzled even.
"That's the reason we broke up!" James erupted. "He was seeing someone else and he wasn't in love with me anymore. I even saw him with that person; they were holding hands at the Leacky Cauldron."
Remus was frowning. "But Sirius told me you had dumped him because of the baby, because you didn't want to have a child with him."
"I didn't know about the child!" James nearly shouted.
"Why would..." Remus never finished the sentence; he was silenced by the arrival of the mediwizard.
"Mr. Lupin? Mr. Potter?" he asked in a quiet, soothing tone.
"That's us," they answered together, standing up and looking expectantly at the man in front of them. He was a rather good-looking wizard, in his early thirties perhaps, quite young to be an experienced mediwizard, James reasoned. His long auburn hair was kept in a neat ponytail at the base of his neck and stood out on his white robe.
James looked at him with shrewd eyes; he was sure he had seen the man before, but for all his efforts, he couldn't remember where or when. Damn. That was annoying.
"I'd like to talk to you about Mr. Black. Please come to my office," he asked politely.
They followed him through several corridors to a small room, where files were piled on the floor, as well as on the table, the chairs, and the couch, so that the room seemed really crowded.
The young mediwizard emptied two chairs for them, before indicating they should sit down. After letting himself fall on the big comfortable leather chair behind his desk, he took out his wand.
"Coffee?" He conjured three steaming cups with a switch of his wand and floated two of them towards the two silent young men. They took them gratefully, waiting for his explanations nervously.
"As you are well aware, Mr. Black is about three months pregnant. May I enquire who the other father of the child is?"
James squirmed in his chair, refusing to look up. Remus answered for him.
"He is," he said, pointing to his friend.
James kept silent under the mediwizard's stare.
"Did you and Sirius have some sort of fight?" he asked in a gentle tone.
"That's not of your concern!" James answered angrily.
He was still unsettled by his previous discussion with Remus.
What had really happened with his lover? Could there have been a misunderstanding between him and Sirius? Had he been wrong about thinking he was cheating on him?
He had to talk to Sirius as soon as possible.
"I really don't care about your love life, Mr. Potter. But I do care about Mr. Black's state of mind," he added quickly when he saw James frown. "Let me explain to you. Male pregnancies are exceptionally rare. Not all wizards are able to conceive a child; it takes a great deal of magic and will." He raised his hand to prevent James from interrupting him. "I do not say that Sirius wanted consciously to have a child with you, but it must have been a deep desire, an unconscious desire, for him – for both of you, actually."
"We never even discussed it!"
"You didn't need to. The idea was already there. Think of it as wandless magic. Anyway, male pregnancies are rare and dangerous. The reason is that the body of a wizard isn't adapted to carry a child as a witch's body is – as you well know. Therefore, his body has to make long-term changes to adapt to the new person developing inside it. I will spare you tedious details, and I'll just tell you that it requires an enormous amount of energy. Sirius needs the support of his family and friends to go through this."
"What do you mean?"
"Let me put it clearly for you. He could very well die from this pregnancy. There were already quite a number of rough spots during the last months. At first we thought he would lose the baby, which would have put his life at great risk, but we managed to stabilize his state."
"What do you mean by we?" James asked suspiciously.
"I've been Mr. Black's mediwizard since he was diagnosed two months ago. I've been seeing him once a week since then. I was actually quite worried when he missed this week's appointment."
James was dumbfounded. This surpassed by far anything he could have imagined. How hard had these three months been on Sirius?
How had their separation affected him and his pregnancy?
"But what happened to him to render him unconscious? Why did we find him like that? Is he going to be okay? Is the baby okay?" James asked in a rush. He was absolutely not prepared for this. But Sirius hadn't been either, he remembered, Sirius hadn't had a choice.
The mediwizard smiled. "Sirius has a mild fever, he hasn't been drinking enough lately, so he was a bit dehydrated. That's why he fainted. Don't worry, he is going to be fine, and your child is okay too. There won't be any lasting damage." He addressed both of them. "Be assured, Mr. Potter, Mr. Lupin,
Mr. Black should awaken shortly."
"When can we see him?" Remus reminded James that he was still there, and that he cared too.
"A nurse will lead you to his room as soon as we are finished."
"How long does he have to stay here?" Trust Remus to ask the important questions.
"It will depend on how he feels. No more than two or three days, I should hope. But when he comes home, he's going to need a great deal of care and attention. He is probably going to be weak; he should not overdo it for the next weeks at least."
"We will take care of him, don't worry," James said resolutely.
"I hope you take your future parenthood seriously, Mr. Potter." The gentle smile was gone, replaced by serious concern.
"Absolutely."
"It's not my place to comment on your relationship with Mr. Black, but for his sake, I hope you'll find a way to resolve any issues you may have at the moment." He paused for a second, before adding, "You may go now."
"Thank you, Healer (no doctors in the magical world!), for everything you have done for him."
James and Remus left the office, following the nurse through a long bright corridor. She stopped in front of an unmarked door, turning to face them.
"There you are gentlemen. Mr. Black is resting now, try not to disturb him."
"Yes, ma'am," they replied in unison before entering the room.
It was obvious to the two men that they were in a department that specialized in pregnant witches; if the newborn babies they had seen in the hall hadn't been a clue, the way the room was decorated was a dead give-away.
Sirius was lying on back, asleep. His face had more colour than it did a few hours before; overall, he looked much better than he did when his friends had found him.
James let out a breath he didn't know he was holding at this sight.
They both entered the room, silently moving towards two chairs on each side of the bed.
Remus chuckled.
"He is going to be pissed when he sees that setting."
James smiled. Yes, Sirius had always hated anything too fluffy or too feminine.
He looked around. The walls were painted in a soft pinkish tint, with a nice drawing of animals at the top, bears, lions, hippopotamus, all smiling and dancing together. The rest of the room wasn't any better. The chairs and the bedside table were equally pink, with floral designs, and there was a nice teddy bear at the foot of the bed.
From the bed, they could see that the back of the door was covered with pictures - baby pictures - complete with dates and names. The kids were all smiling, giggling happily from their parents' arms. The previous occupants of the room, James surmised, as he sat back in the chair.
Sure, Sirius was going to yell when he'd wake up, but that wasn't what worried James the most.
His lover was all right, their baby was all right.
They had some explaining to do.
Remus had confirmed the baby was his, so he couldn't doubt that anymore. Remus was Sirius' best friend these days, he knew much more about this pregnancy than James did. That hurt.
He wanted to understand why the werewolf thought he had known about the child; no matter how he turned it in his head, it didn't make any sense. He was so confused.
He wanted desperately for Sirius to wake up soon, so they could clear things up. Plus, as much as he trusted the mediwizard, he wanted to hear from Sirius' mouth that he was really okay.
As if he had heard James' silent plea, the young man started to shuffle in the bed, slowly waking up. He opened his eyes, looking at each of them, then at the décor questioningly.
Remus took one of his hands in a comforting gesture.
"You're in Saint Mungo's, Sirius. James and I found you unconscious in your flat earlier today."
Sirius was looking at Remus, clearly afraid, waiting for more answers.
"We talked with your mediwizard a little while ago. He said everything was fine with the baby and you should be able to go home in a few days. " He never stopped caressing Sirius' hand in a soothing manner, reminding James of how they used to take care of Remus after the full moon at Hogwarts. He had always hated waking up alone in the Hospital Wing, and when he had admitted as much, they had taken turns staying with him so that he would wake up to a familiar face.
"I'll leave you two alone now," Remus said to Sirius, looking at him and James. "You have much to discuss, I think."
The point couldn't have been clearer for James. Remus' look was locked on him as he headed for the door. It said, 'Don't fuck with him a second time or you'll have to answer to me'.
Remus and Sirius had always been very protective of each other, in ways that eluded him. He had often wondered about it, thinking it had something to do with their 'outcast' status. They had to stick together because society had set them apart. Or it could be a canine thing.
James and Sirius had been best friends from the moment they had entered Hogwarts, but he had always been jealous of the special bond his lover seemed to share with Remus.
When the door closed, Sirius' eyes turned to him.
"James?"
"Sirius." He didn't know which subject he should address first: the baby, their break up, or the misunderstanding between them.
"I'm glad you're okay. The mediwizard was very reassuring when he spoke to us." Being a coward wasn't really an option here, but James had no clue how he could ask the more crucial questions.
"Why are you here?" Sirius was usually direct to the point. James had never been sure whether it was a quality or a flaw.
He answered quickly. "Remus was so worried about you because you hadn't spoken to him in a few days, and he had no way to contact you. He asked for my help to penetrate the wards." He didn't know how to explain this properly. Suddenly he wished Remus wouldn't have left.
"I still had the key to unlock the wards of your flat, but it's silver and he looked worn out by the full moon." James stopped as the realisation drowned on him. That was the reason he couldn't transform into Padfoot anymore, because of the baby! Smiling at the idea he had finally solved one mystery, he went on. "So I decided it would be better if I went with him. I didn't have any trouble unlocking the wards. That's how we found you unconscious, lying on the floor, besides the couch."
Sirius was looking at him intently, making him realise just how much he had missed the other man, and how much he wanted him back in his life.
"Why are you here?" Sirius asked again, making it clear that James hadn't answered the important question.
"I was so surprised to see you were pregnant. I had to make sure you were okay. I had to ask about the baby." James' face erupted in a large smile. "We're having a baby, Sirius! This is great!"
This was the first time that day he had let his joy appear through all the worry and the uncertainty. This was the first time he allowed himself to believe he and Sirius were going to be parents soon, and to rejoice about it.
Sirius, however, didn't seem to share his outburst of happiness. He frowned.
"I am having a baby, James," he said in a cold detached voice. "This child isn't yours."
Next chapter: Where bad ideas are dismissed