HAWKS

Tokoyami had thought he had known true darkness. He had seen behind the curtain of reality Shoji parted to reveal a world of madness and chaos. He had visited a suburban home warped beyond the confines of logic and reason, a non-Euclidean edifice warped beyond the brain's ability to perceive space and time. He had seen the shadow of his own soul offer a temptation so foul he could not bear the idea that such desire festered within his heart.

But this? This was a new kind of horror. Mundane, and all the more terrible for it.

Hawks sidled up to a woman. Both of them held buckets of KFC chicken. Flashing his best grin, Hawks said in a thick New York accent, "Hey there, good lookin'. We both got buckets of chicken. Wanna do it?"

The woman gave him an affronted look and upended her bucket of chicken over his head. Feathers flashed out from behind his back, caught each piece, and dumped them in his bucket.

"Mmm… free chicken. Hey Tokoyami, ya listenin'? Okay. Grass grows, birds fly, sun shines, and brotha'?" He poked Tokoyami on the beak. "I hurt people."

On cue, his feathers dragged a thief holding an old lady's purse into an alleyway. The feathers, still red but now dripping in blood, handed the lady her purse and zipped off.

Tokoyami knew there was only one response to this madness. He didn't know if he had the courage to say it.

"I'm a force of nature!"

A villain leapt out from a dumpster, brandishing a set of long, acid-green fingernails. Hawks batted him aside with a wing and shouted, "Boink!"

"If you were from where I was from, you'd be fuckin' dead!"

An apartment burst into flames. Hawks' feathers darted inside and carried out an elderly man and twenty-six cats.

Tokoyami took a deep breath. Dark Shadow shuddered beneath him. Tokoyami tapped Hawks on the shoulder and said, "Overwatch is better."

For one terrible moment, Hawks froze. Every feather on his back hovered in the air, razor edges pointed at Tokoyami. Dark Shadow squeaked and disappeared into Tokoyami's robes. Tokoyami wished he could do the same.

Then Hawks burst out laughing. "Oh wow, that's brilliant! And here I thought kids today had no appreciation for the classics. Hah! Overwatch is better than… good one! You were kidding, right?"

Tokoyami laughed nervously with him. "Well, Overwatch does have Reaper…"

Hawks' eyes narrowed. "You were kidding, right?"

"Ah… yes, absolutely."

The feathers retreated. "Good! I think we've been patrolling long enough. Why don't you go home?"

Tokoyami fled as fast as his feet would carry him. As Hawks continued his patrol, saving people and stopping villains with a flick of his feathers, he mused to himself. "Which one I should do next time. Heavy? Nah, too Russian." He looked down at his empty chicken bucket and grinned. Putting it over his head, Hawks yelled out, "If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight!"

500

Two-hundred years later, Valve still hasn't made TF3. Or Half Life 3. Or Portal 3. Or Steam 3.