Hello! Back at it again with another chapter in the saga of olivia and The Boyfriend (and Nick). There's quite a bit that I scrapped from this chapter and intend on reworking, so you can expect another update to this fic in the next week or so.
A/N: most of this is very tame, but *please* be warned that there is a fairly graphic self-harm scene (although it's in a dream, so no one is actually hurt). It- and the whole dream- is in italics, so you'll know it when you see it. There are also "spoilers" for a previous chapter of Those Graces within the dream sequence- but if you've never read TG or haven't read that particular chapter, you won't even know you're being spoiled :P Quotes from never gonna leave this bed by maroon 5, galileo by the indigo girls, and both sides now by joni mitchell.
Enjoy this chapter. The next one is angsty.
As always, thank you SO much for reading and/or responding. Love to you all. :)
{wake you up in the middle of the night to say
I will never walk away again}
"Can't sleep?"
You shake your head at The Boyfriend, who must have noticed the way you keep shifting around underneath the covers.
"What's wrong? You feel okay?"
"No, it's not like that," you're quick to assure him, "although my calves keep cramping up, so theoretically if you wanted to rub them, I wouldn't be opposed..."
He moves the pillow behind him and sits up, motioning for you to do the same. "So why aren't you sleeping?"
"Just thinking." You turn so you're facing him with your legs draped over his lap. "I'm having a baby," you say, unable to keep the sleepy smile off your face. "We're gonna have a daughter."
To his credit, he doesn't look at you like you've lost your mind. "Yeah?" he asks, wide-eyed as if this is brand new information.
"We'll have a boy and a girl...I guess maybe that's why it's really sinking in now. Having something to call her other than Little Bean." You may technically be almost to the halfway point of your pregnancy, and it may never have left your mind since you had that first nagging suspicion of 'could I be...?', but it still feels a bit otherworldly, like you must be imagining it all. You wonder if it'll feel that way until you're holding her for the first time, or if months will go by with you still unsure if you're dreaming.
"Still like the name?"
"What, Lillian? Yeah, why- don't you?"
"Course," he says, thumbs massaging around your right ankle, "but Nick kept asking me why her middle name can't be Nicole."
You groan. Like her first name, Lilly's middle name (Julia) had been chosen because you liked the way it sounded, but also because it wasn't the name of anyone you knew. You and The Boyfriend were incredibly fortunate to have so many people in your lives worthy of being a namesake, which is why you decided to spare yourselves from having to make that choice and choose a completely original name. But not everyone agreed with this. "Too bad for Nick- hey, I was gonna ask you, how would you feel about going out there this winter? To California."
"To see him?"
"Well, kinda. He thought he could come out here and stay with Noah, and then we could fly out there and stay at his place. Sort of our last time away with just the two of us before Lilly comes."
He nods, undoubtedly thinking about sand and sunshine and all those other things that don't go along with a New York winter. "If your doctor says you're okay to fly, I'd be up for that. But I...huh."
"What is it?"
"I mean, don't get me wrong, I'd love having a few days all to ourselves. But it's also the last chance we have to do things with just you, me, and Noah as a family...not that he'll remember it, but I kinda want to have that time with him while we still can. And he loves the beach."
"Okay," you agree in a small voice, looking down at your (rapidly disappearing) lap.
"Liv...shit, I'm sorry, I didn't..." He pauses as if he's just realized he's not sure what he's apologizing for. "Uh. Help?"
"I'm not crying," you insist, arms crossed in front of you.
"I didn't say you were- but...?"
You lift your head to show him there really are no tears on your face. "It's nothing. Just that...every time I start to worry that you'll somehow forget Noah once the baby comes, you go and do something to remind me how stupid I'm being."
"Not stupid. You're being a good mom. He's the most important thing in the world to you and so you're protective of him, I get it. That's why I was so surprised when you first asked how I felt about adopting him."
Surprised was an apt description. You had broached the idea with him just two days after you asked him about moving in together, and for a short but heartbreaking moment you had mistaken his initial shock as rejection. That he felt like this was moving too fast and he didn't want that sort of responsibility. That for once, it wasn't you with the commitment issues.
But then you came to your senses and realized you were being ridiculous- after all, he was the one who had first brought up the idea of you going off the Pill and seeing a fertility specialist, so clearly he planned on sticking around for a while. And by then he was giving you this huge grin and saying God, yeah. nothing would make me happier.
"I still don't know why it was so unexpected to you, though...you're his dad. I just needed it to be official," you say. Not only was it important to you that it be spelled out on paper for legal purposes, but you also wanted Noah to have what you never did. Something tangible saying that he had a mother and a father, that he was part of a family, even if he won't understand or appreciate it until years from now.
"It wasn't...well, I hoped it would happen, and not just for practical reasons, but I knew it had to come from you. It had to be your decision and...I know you trust me. Promise I do. But like I said, he's your entire world. And it takes a whole shitload of trust to be able to share something that's that important to you. So I would've understood if you weren't to that point yet."
"But I was. And I still am."
"I know. But hey, I was thinking about something. Nothing bad," he adds when he sees your face. "Since we're doing all this paperwork anyway, and especially now that we're gonna have Lilly too...how'd you feel if we added an agreement that, if for whatever reason we split up, I think the kids should live mainly with you. At least, assuming that's what you'd want."
"I...wow. I'm..." You clasp your hands together, trying to come up with something to say to accurately reflect what you're thinking. It's no secret that you shy away from this kind of thing, from any mention of a relationship dissolving, because that looming threat of letting yourself fall and then having to pick up the pieces is why you avoid getting too close in the first place. But you know you can't live your life like that any more, that you need to put your childrens' wellbeing before your own emotional issues.
And then there's another part of you who fears something entirely different. You've had the same nightmare on a weekly basis ever since you first suggested the adoption; one where you fuck everything up and he tells you that you're crazy and he's taking your babies away and there's nothing you can do about it. You've never mentioned the dream to him, but it wouldn't be the first time you've accidentally revealed something while talking in your sleep, and the idea that you might have done it again is humiliating enough to make you want to avoid the whole subject altogether.
"I don't mean it as...I'm not going anywhere," he explains once it's clear you're not finishing your sentence anytime soon. "This is it for me. But I'd rather- I think it's better to talk about this now, not when..."
"Now, while we can both be rational about it," you say in understanding.
"Exactly. So- of course, I'd wanna see them often and I'd still want to be involved when it comes to making decisions for them but...I think kids should be with their mom. And I guess I feel like since you're willing to trust me enough to make me their dad, it's the least I can do. Sort of like I'm meeting you halfway. Ultimately it's up to you, though." He rubs his palms up and down your arms in a reassuring gesture. "It's late and I know this is a lot to digest. But think it over, alright? We have time, we don't have to decide right away."
"I will. I'm...thank you."
"Course," he says, noticing how your head keeps nodding lazily. "Think you can sleep now?"
"Mmhmm," you hum, eyes closing before you even lie down.
{I'm serving time for mistakes made by another in another lifetime}
You lock the bathroom door behind you and lean heavily against the wall, hands over your ears to try and muffle the sounds of suitcases being zipped up in the room next door. It doesn't make sense! You don't understand any of it, why you came home to The Boyfriend telling you that it's time to stop pretending. That he can't go on like this and neither can the kids.
The kids. Noah and Lilly, they're so grown up, they must be six or seven years old. He won't let you talk to them, and they just walked away even as you pleaded with them to say something. Anything. But he won't talk to you either, you begged him to please, God please tell me what I did wrong, and all he said was "You know. You know."
And suddenly the fragments of a glass bottle are scattered around your feet, the overhead light making the shards sparkle like they're beckoning to you. So you pick up the largest piece and finger it delicately, admiring the jagged edge, and then without hesitation you drag it across the length of your bare thigh and wait for the pain to come. Waiting. There's nothing, not even a sting where tiny drops of blood have bubbled up on your skin. You don't understand why, how it's barely a scratch, and so you repeat the motion again. And again. And again until you're all but plunging the sharpest point into your leg like a dagger. Nothing.
There's screaming, wailing, coming from the other side of the door. Children's voices. You run into the living room and you're horrified to see them both covered in blood, long cuts adorning their arms like ribbons. Was it...?
"You did it," the male voice behind you confirms.
No. No. I didn't mean to, I only meant to hurt myself. not them. never them.
And then they've vanished, all three of them, and you throw the front door open and take off on a frantic search. comebackcomebackcomeback, you shout, and your voice is so loud in your own ears that you almost miss the soft 'click' of the door at the end of the hall. But you're not in your building any more, you're in the building you used to live in and you know that what's behind that door is something dangerous. It doesn't stop you from chasing after them, though, doesn't stop you from bursting through it and then there they are, there's your babies right at the bottom of the staircase. You've gotta get to them, you can't let anyone take them away, but then...
"WAIT!" you cry out as The Boyfriend appears and starts to lead them away, out of your view. You take a step, only to find the stairs have disappeared from underneath your feet as you pitch forward head-first.
I don't want to die.
"Liv. Olivia," comes a steady, familiar voice from nearby. "I'm turning on the lamp, okay? It's alright. You're just dreaming. Gotta wake up."
As he speaks, you can tell through your closed eyes that the room is gradually getting lighter. You hold up your hand to stop him before it can get too bright and to signal that you're awake. "That's good..."
Installing a dimmer switch on your bedside lamp had been a game changer, giving him a way to wake you up when he noticed you were getting agitated without making things worse by startling you. "Okay. I'm right here if you need me."
He's here. Still with you. He didn't take them away. As you continue regaining consciousness, you remember what you had talked about hours earlier. He said he's not going anywhere. 'I think kids should be with their mom.'
You open your eyes and look downward, palms flat against the curve of your stomach to reassure yourself that Lilly's still secure in her cocoon. You didn't hurt her. "Noah? Noah's alright?"
"He is," The Boyfriend promises, careful not to touch you until you make the first move. Instead he reaches over for the baby monitor, turning the screen toward you so that you can see the image of your son sleeping peacefully in his new race car-shaped toddler bed. "Still asleep. Do you want to go in and check on him?"
"No, I don't want to wake him up." You reach out and touch the monitor with two fingertips, feeling your heart rate rapidly returning to normal with every breath you take in unison with the little boy on the screen.
"Wanna talk about it?"
You shake your head, settling down in the crook of The Boyfriend's arm and holding onto him tightly. "Don't need to. You're here."
"I am. And so is Lilly, and so is Noah. All of us together."
All of us together. "Mmm. Hey. About what you said before."
"About planning for who would take the kids?"
"Yeah." He's not going anywhere. "I don't want to...I mean. I think we should share time. Fifty-fifty. That's what I'd want for them. We can do that, right?"
"Yeah, baby. We can."
"Good."
He's still here. You'll never have to chase after them.
{but now old friends are acting strange
they shake their heads, they say I've changed}
After dropping Noah off at preschool for the morning, you make a detour on your way to your therapist's office and stop by the precinct to pick up some paperwork. Carisi looks up when he sees you stepping off the elevator and hurries toward you with a worried frown on his face. "Uh. I didn't want to tell you on the phone, but..."
"Didn't want to tell me...what? Does this have anything to do with the fact that Tucker is sitting right outside my door?" You try to stay calm, try not to instantly start wondering what Amanda did now. She's stayed out of trouble for months and you're giving her the benefit of the doubt just like you promised Nick you would. But if Tucker's sniffing around...
"Uh, kinda. It's- I don't know why he's here. But I mighta let it slip about the, um, the B-A-B-Y."
You pull your blazer tighter around your midsection, which does nothing to hide your now unmistakable bump. "The B-A...why? Why did you tell him? And why are we spelling it?"
"I dunno! I mean, I didn't intend to tell him. But he showed up here and asked me where you were, and I said you were out for the morning because you had an appointment. With your OB." He shakes his head. "I wasn't thinking about- it's just, as soon as I said it, I realized he might think it was. You know," he says, voice dropping, "with your shrink. And that's none of his damn business."
"Carisi..."
"I'm sorry, sarge, really."
"It's okay," you assure him, patting him on the shoulder. You can't be mad, not when he was trying to protect you, and it's not like Tucker wouldn't have noticed the second he looked at you anyway. "Let's just hope he hasn't told the whole department, huh?"
When you start to walk away, Carisi speaks up again. "Hey Sarge? Your boyfriend called. He mentioned you'd been having leg cramps, so I left a banana on your desk. Potassium's good for ya. And don't forget to drink your water."
"Got it," you say, hoping that they hadn't been discussing any of your more 'personal' pregnancy symptoms. (Those were really more of Nick's specialty, anyway). "Lieutenant Tucker. What brings you here today?"
He looks down at your stomach, but you're thankful when his gaze doesn't linger for very long before his eyes are trained back on your face. "I hear congratulations are in order."
"Maybe," you say in a noncommittal voice, setting your purse down on your desk and reaching for a manila envelope.
"I didn't know you were pregnant."
"I didn't know it was an IA matter," you counter.
"I didn't say it was. Just a...surprise. I didn't realize you were still with-"
"Wait. Is this your backdoor way of asking who my baby's father is? Please tell me you're not-" His face turns red and he starts muttering something. "Because that's really not any of your concern. But yes, we're still together."
"I didn't mean for it to sound like-"
"Like you think I get around? Gee, thanks."
He nods toward your hands. "All I meant is, you're not married."
"No. I'm not. But I don't think that's what you came here to talk about."
"It's not. Can I?" he asks, pulling out a chair, and you mumble your permission around a mouthful of banana. "Who else knows about this?"
"Are you feeling left out of the office gossip? Relax. I've only told my detectives- although I think everyone else around here has figured it out for themselves. It's been kinda hard to hide these past couple of weeks."
"But your chief doesn't know."
"It's not for lack of trying, I keep making appointments and one of us always has to cancel. I didn't really want to tell him over the phone or email but it might be the only way to get in touch with him before I'm in labor," you say, peeling the remainder of your banana and popping it in your mouth. "So please don't ruin the surprise for me."
He shakes his head. "I won't, but you should be on desk duty, it's not safe-"
"Trust me, I've barely moved from this chair since I found out. Even less than I normally do. I know I'm high risk and I'm not taking any chances."
"Is there something- sorry. I'm sorry, that was out of line."
You set down your banana peel, expression softening. "It's alright. There's nothing wrong- so far, she and I are both fine. It's just that...well. If you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly in my prime childbearing years."
"She? So it's a girl."
"Yeah. Lillian."
"Lillian, huh? I'd have to say I'm partial to that name...it was one of my grandmothers'." The two of you share smiles and he looks down at a framed photo of Noah sitting on your desk. "Looks like a happy kid."
"He is. But he's not gonna know what hit him, is he?"
"Eh, they adjust fast. Mind some unsolicited advice?"
Taking parenting tips from Ed Tucker? What a world you inhabit these days. "Sure."
"Let people help you out with the baby so you can spend time with Noah. She won't know who's giving her a bottle or changing her diaper, but he'll sure notice who's paying attention to him."
"That is...helpful. Thank you."
"You're welcome. But I guess we should get down to business, huh? You're probably wondering why I'm here..."
"What do you know, you and 'ol Tucker chatting like pals," The Boyfriend teases as you relay the story to him later that night.
"Uh, yeah. Something like that. Until I snapped at him...what? I was completely justified. He asked me if I 'planned on coming back to work after the baby's born'."
"...I'm not following. You knew you were going to get that question."
"But why? And that's exactly what I said to him- 'if I was a man, would you be asking me that?' No, he wouldn't," you say, answering yourself before The Boyfriend can weigh in. "If it was you, and you said your girlfriend was having a baby, it would just be assumed that of course you'll keep working."
"Yeah, probably- but that's different."
"How? Other than...not counting time I'd have to take off just to recover physically, once I'm back to normal, how would it be any different for me than for you?" When he doesn't say anything, you point at him with a victorious smirk. "You're sexist."
"I'm sexist? When I'm going to be the one taking care of Lilly during the day once you go back to work?"
"See?" You climb onto the bed and sit with your legs tucked underneath you, jabbing him in the arm with the glee of someone who has just had her point so eloquently made for her. "You say that like it's unnatural somehow, like you're doing what I'm supposed to do. Should I give you a medal?"
He grabs your wrist playfully, lips brushing across your knuckles. "No, but you could stop being ridiculous and tell me what you said to him. After you finished giving him the sexism lecture, of course."
"Asshole," you say, carefully straddling his lap and then reaching out to rest your hands on his shoulders. "I told him what you and I already talked about. That I'm going to take off for as long as I can, even if some of that has to be unpaid," and for that, you have to hand it to The Boyfriend. He may be a chauvinist pig- but he's also the one who keeps assuring you that you'll make it work if you're not ready to go back once your paid leave runs out, that your time with the baby is more important than your paycheck even though you actually out-earn him at this point. "But I told him I still plan on coming back to be CO, as long as they don't find someone to permanently replace me while I'm gone."
"What'd he say?"
"That's the thing. They want a lieutenant back in charge...and he thinks it should be me."
"Since when does Tucker have anything to do with handing out promotions?" he asks.
"He doesn't. But you know how he is. Likes to stick his head into everything- and now I find out he's already been telling people I'm gonna take the exam."
"And you can tell him to go fuck himself."
You frown, leaning in until your foreheads are touching. "A second ago you were the one shaking your head at me when I said I snapped at him, babe."
"Because I thought it was a reasonable question. But he has no right to dump all that on you, not now...wait. Did you tell him yes?"
"I told him I can't make a decision like that right now. But I don't think that was the answer he wanted- and maybe he has a point, that there's no reason I couldn't start studying now. The test isn't until March anyway."
"And you're going to take it then. When you're eight months pregnant...Liv, you're not even going to fit in those desks by March," he says, chuckling while you try very hard not to crack up while thinking of the same scenario. "I'm sorry, but you know as well as I do- those things are tiny! Not to mention, do you really want to do all the prep for something like that right now? It's a lot to study."
"I feel like I should do it, though. I did it before, so why couldn't I do it now?"
"Of course you could. I don't doubt that for a second. But before, you also weren't planning for a baby, you didn't have a toddler at home, you weren't growing a whole new person...and those are all valid reasons to not take on an extra project when you don't have to. You don't even- is this whole lieutenant thing actually something you want? Not something you feel like you should do, or you have to do. Something you want for yourself."
The answer is no, not really. Despite your outward confidence, you know that this exam would be much tougher than the last, and that a big part of the reason you did so well on it before was that you weren't sleeping and thus had hours each night to do nothing but study. (Whereas tonight you almost nodded off at the dinner table in mid-chew). Back then it was about having something to prove to yourself, to everyone else, even if all it earned you was a 'promotion' you never wanted. But now your motivation was different. "The pay bump would be nice."
"Not what I was asking. You already hate the managerial stuff, so why would you want to take on more of that?"
"Hon, if I don't- when I come back, there'll be someone new in charge of SVU."
"There's no guarantee they wouldn't transfer you if you made lieutenant," he points out.
"No, but they're not gonna...if I don't do it, whoever they choose to be CO while I'm gone, that'll be a permanent assignment."
"And maybe that's a good thing. You come back as number two and that takes some of the burden off your shoulders."
"Not if...God knows who the hell they'll find. What if they put some total incompetent in charge?" You're starting to get uncomfortable in your current position, so you slide off of The Boyfriend's lap, arranging your favorite pillow so it gives you some back support as you lie down.
"What if they don't?" he counters, laying his head on the pillow next to yours and resting his hand on your stomach. "This way, you have a chance to- hopefully- have some say in who they choose, and-"
"Seriously? Are you familiar with the NYPD?"
"Yes, I'm serious. Tell your pal Tucker you wanna weigh in on whoever they're considering, and I bet he'll make it happen just to prove to you that he can. Then you can relax while you're gone, cause you know everything's under control, and when you get back you'll be able to teach them everything you know. Mold them in your own image. Even if you're number two- you've been there a long time. They'll listen."
"It feels like this is your subtle way of telling me I should retire."
"Liv. Hey." He reaches out, tracing your cheekbone with his thumb. "You know that's not true. I want you to stay there for as long as you feel like that's where you want to be. But I also know your heart's been in it less and less for the last few years...and that's okay. You're at that point, you've got your twenty, and you're not ready to go but maybe it's time to start thinking about your exit strategy. So when you are ready, it's on your terms and you feel comfortable that the unit's in good hands." He kisses your forehead, lingering there for a moment before his lips drop to the corner of your mouth. "There's so much more to life than pushing paper for the NYPD. So much out there you could do."
"So you think I should just say no to him."
"Tell him you're busy with...other things," he says, hand splaying across your lower back. "He'll understand."
You laugh as he starts kissing your neck. "Just say 'Sorry, Lieutenant, but my schedule's booked. My boyfriend's insatiable."
"Like I said, he'll understand. He'd be the same way if he were me."
"Uh-huh. We'll see if you've changed your mind once I'm too big to fit in one of those little desks," you say, sitting up again so you can pull off your shirt.
"I'd still want you even if you broke the damn thing," he promises as he reaches for the waistband of your leggings. "And I'm sure he'd agree."
"Okay, can we not talk about Tucker while you've got a hand in my pants?"
"Good idea."
{something's lost but something's gained in living every day}
[liv. liv this is urgent]
[you ok nick?]
[I might have a date tomorrow. but I might not. pls don't tell amanda]
[but you said last time you were here that you weren't dating?]
[it was accidental. I went to the animal shelter bc you have to be interviewed before they let you adopt a puppy. and the girl who interviewed me, at the end, she asked if I wanted to go for a picnic in the park tomorrow with her and her dog. I said yes. but I don't think this was part of the screening process! do you think it's a date?]
[um I'd say yes.]
[damn it!]
[well is she someone you'd go out w/ if the situation was different?]
[yeah but now how do I back out? and what if she gets pissed and then I don't get my puppy?]
[just go and have a good time and if she asks, tell her you're not ready for a relationship but you're new in town and want to make friends]
[LOLOLOL right when are men and women ever able to just be friends?]
[then what the fuck are we?]
[you're not women. you're olivia. and I'm nick. it's different]
[then pretend she's me? idk, nick, I've got work to do. you'll figure it out]
[k. miss you. tell everyone hi for me]
[I'd say I miss you but I haven't stopped finding hay and pink glitter all over the house from noah's party so it's like you never left]
[aww a little piece of me is still with you. that makes me so happy.]
[goodbye nick]