Wow- two updates from me in one week AND this little fic gaining a 10th chapter? What a monumental occasion! :D

Seriously, I don't know how this got to 10 chapters considering that I don't do domestic/family/kidfic. This is surprisingly fun to write, though, especially when TG starts eating what's left of my soul. Oh, the pain.

A/N: nothing dark. The only warnings are for consensual sex and Chief Dodds making an ass of himself! Quotes from winter winds, after the storm, sigh no more, and roll away your stone, all by mumford and sons.

Coming soon: a not so perfect Thanksgiving and Nick's dreams all coming true. But first...

{and my head told my heart 'let love grow'
but my heart told my head 'this time no'}

"You know...if you want an engagement ring. You know you could have the real thing, right?"

"Yeah. I know."

You pull your hand out of his grasp, getting off the couch and reaching down to pick up some pieces of glitter that are still(!) stuck to your carpet in order to avoid making eye contact.

"What the hell are you doing?" The Boyfriend asks with a sigh. "That's not good for your back."

"I'm not an invalid. Let me bend over while I still can," you say, even as you notice that it strains your knees a little more than usual when you go to stand upright again.

"You don't have to look at me, but just come back and sit. Please?"

You do exactly as told, including the part about not looking at him. "We've talked about this before."

"Yeah, but you weren't pregnant then."

"And what, we're having a baby so we automatically need to get married? Wait...did you knock me up just so I'd marry you?" You're not sure if the idea is maddening or funny, but either way it makes you laugh, and when you turn toward him it's reassuring to see that he's smiling too.

He shrugs, and you can almost see the tension melting off of his shoulders. "You caught me."

"Well, I guess you're out of luck. For one, I refuse to be pregnant in my wedding photos."

"If we went down to city hall tomorrow, we could probably hide it well enough by having you wear a big coat."

"Uh-huh," you say with a smirk before your voice gets softer, more serious. "I know that...to you, it seems like a given. We have kids together, so we should get married. It's okay," you add before he can interrupt. "I mean, I can understand why you feel that way. And I get that it'd maybe simplify things, as far as adopting Noah goes. But..."

"But you don't see it the same as I do."

"I see how it would save paperwork. But I don't think that's a good enough reason to marry someone."

He looks away from you, palms smoothing over his denim-clad thighs like he's unsure whether or not he should stand up and walk out. You should've known he'd bring up the marriage issue when you mentioned the ring, even though you thought it had already been settled when you turned down his last quasi-proposal. (Does asking 'should we get married?' even count as a proposal, anyway? Or do you have to have a ring involved?). "I think having two kids together is a good reason, like you said. Not because it's an obligation...but because if I'm committed enough to someone to start a family with them, then I guess I feel like I'm committed enough to marry them too."

"And now we're back to questioning whether I'm really committed," you say, an edge of bitterness creeping into your words even as you struggle to hide it.

"No. No, I'm not." He moves over to sit closer to you, hand resting lightly on your arm. "Liv. I know you are. Because you- we," he corrects, reaching toward your stomach, "wouldn't be here if you weren't. But...I dunno, is it really so crazy that I want you to be my wife?"

"Maybe a little? Given everything that's happened...I guess it's kinda surprising that you're ready for that so soon after...anyway. I understand that it's something you want for the kids, to have their parents be married, so-"

"It's still something I'd want, even if we didn't have the kids. I'd still want it for me. For us."

You rub your bump silently as if you're hoping Lilly's about to give you some sort of sign. It's so much easier to think that The Boyfriend's desire to become The Husband is for the kids' benefit, because you can rationalize turning him down by telling yourself that you know you can be a good mother without being a wife as well. But it's more than that to him- for reasons that you don't completely understand, he wants to be your husband. And when you think about it that way, it seems incredibly heartless to tell him no. "I wish I could say yes."

"Then what's stopping you?"

"Everything's changing so fast. When I look at the last couple of years, or even the last few months...a year ago, we weren't a sure thing. I didn't know if I'd ever be able to adopt Noah. And now the two of you are here for good, and we've got another baby coming- and as amazing as it all is, part of me is so overwhelmed. I spent so many years with everything being fairly stable and now it's like I'm on fast forward. I just...I can't add any more changes to my life right now. I know it hurts you, and that's why I wish I could say yes. But I can't."

"And then what happens after Lilly's born? Or a year from now, or five years from now? Do you really think you'll be any more ready then?"

"I don't know," you admit. "Maybe I...I can't promise you I ever will be. I don't want you waiting and hoping for something that..."

"I know you can't. And I won't lie and say it doesn't bother me, or even that I really understand your reasons." He looks down, stroking your bare ring finger. "But I love you more than I love the idea of having a wife, so even if we never get married...I'm not going to give up hope," he adds, smiling out of one corner of his mouth. "But whatever happens, as long as I have you, I can live with that."

There's something about the way he says it that makes you uneasy. "Be honest with me. Do you worry about me leaving?" He starts to shake his head before you add "I'm not asking so I can accuse you of mistrusting me. But it's...given our history, I think it's a legitimate question."

"Well...yeah, sometimes I guess I do. But I know you feel the same about me," he's quick to point out.

"Sometimes I do," you agree. "And you know that." You move over, intending to climb into his lap until you have a vision of toppling backwards off the couch and onto the floor. You settle for sitting perpendicular to him, thighs resting on top of his, so you can reach up and pull his head down for a kiss without your belly getting in the way. "I love you. I'm not going anywhere this time."

"I believe you."

You put your arm around his shoulders as you kiss him again. "Hey baby?"

"Yeah?"

"Someday, if you really do decide to propose- you should probably ask Nick's permission first. He would be expecting that, and you don't want to start off our married life with him as an enemy."

The Boyfriend scoffs. "And if he says no?"

"Then that's too bad, because we already eloped without telling him."

{get over your hill and see what you find there
with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair}

You relocate to the bedroom when things start heating up, both because couch sex is becoming too impractical these days and because Noah is no longer safely corralled in his crib. You've been lucky so far in that he seems to think there's some sort of force field around his bed keeping him trapped, or else it just hasn't occurred to him that he could easily escape, but you know your luck will run out eventually and you'd rather not be bent over the back of the sofa when it does.

He's sleeping soundly, so you go ahead and lock the bedroom door behind you. "All clear."

"Good. C'mere."

It's much easier to get close like this, where you can straddle his lap without worrying about falling over and he can lean back to accommodate your belly. You pick up where you left off, kissing languidly while your hands run over his chest and stomach, sucking his bottom lip in between both of yours and giving it a little tug.

"Take this off," you say, fingering the collar of his shirt. He does as told and you reciprocate, pulling off the old t-shirt of his that you're wearing before attempting to take off your bra. It used to be one of the first things you'd do when you got home, ditching the bra for the night, but now you can't even sleep comfortably without one. Nobody warned you about this!

He chuckles as he watches your struggle. "Problem?"

"Do you wanna see them or not?" you retort, and that's enough encouragement to get him to help you out. "Now this is much better, right? The magic of teamwork."

You lean forward and knead the muscles in his shoulders, kissing his neck before sliding downward. Your breasts graze against his skin as you move and the friction on your sensitive nipples leaves them painfully hard. Shifting so that you're supporting your body weight on your hands and knees, you're able to tilt your head down and kiss him, tongues brushing together while the tips of your nipples ghost over his chest.

"Enough teasing," he decides, carefully rolling you onto your back and then shoving a pillow under your ass so you're not lying flat. He reaches for the waistband of your pants and pulls them down, smirking appreciatively when he sees that you don't have anything on underneath. Once he gets your leggings all the way off, he settles between your legs and kisses his way from the back of your knee to the top of your thigh. He does the same with the other leg, cautious that his mouth doesn't make contact with your center, then places a reverent kiss right below the curve of your belly while his finger traces up and down your slit.

"Ohhh fuck," you sigh, arching upwards off of the pillow- and as good as this feels, you know you'll be paying for it later. "Can you...I've gotta sit up before I throw my back out."

He nods and moves over right away, giving you the perfect opportunity to surprise him by straddling his legs and pushing him down to the mattress. "What the hell, you little-"

"I'm not completely immobile yet," you say, grinning proudly. You are a bit lightheaded from the effort, though, so you rest your palms on his chest to steady yourself. "Ahh. God..."

"You okay?"

"Oh yeah." You're positioned at an angle where your clit rubs against the underside of his erection every time you move, and as you rock against him a few more times you realize you could easily come from this alone. But you take pity on him and decide not to prolong the torture, lifting yourself up and then sinking down onto his dick, his hands grasping onto your hips as you start to move.

You smile at him, a little secret smile, and he smiles back. It's one of those tiny intimate moments where you're both looking into each other's eyes and it's so intense, but this time you're not tempted to turn away. Not like the past few nights when all you wanted was for him to take you from behind; fuck you hard and fast so that you could stop thinking and get some sleep. You know he wasn't opposed to it (you have ground rules for that sort of thing, where he has the final say and he won't hesitate to turn you down, pregnant or no). But you can't deny that you've been lost in your own head ever since the incident at the pool, and that's something that does get to him even though he knows not to push, knows that you have to sort through it in your own time and you'll open up when you're ready. The wait can be tough. You know that from personal experience, seeing as how he's not exactly transparent himself. But despite it all, somehow you keep finding your way back to each other, and the path becomes easier to navigate with every trip. You'd like to think it always will.

"I love you," you whisper, and his smile gets wider. He pushes himself up onto his elbows in order to capture one of your nipples with his mouth, caressing it with his tongue, and you keep rolling your hips until both of you are going over the edge together.

{love will not betray you,
dismay, or enslave you
it will set you free}

"So are we really okay about...well. The whole marriage thing?" you ask later on, once you're settled into a nest of pillows (the one underneath your head bearing an uncanny resemblance to The Boyfriend's shoulder).

"Yeah, we are. Even if I might pretend your ring really is an engagement ring," he jokes. "Are you sure...there's nothing going on? Nobody tried anything?"

You assure him that you're alright. You've decided it's best not to tell him about your run-ins at the pool or the grocery store- there's really nothing he can do but get angry about it. "But there is one thing...from now on, do you think you could come to all my appointments with me?"

"Of course, yeah- why? Did something happen? You're...you're both okay, aren't you?"

"No, no, we're fine. It's nothing like that." You look down at your stomach, trying to hide your embarrassment. It's for Lilly's sake, you tell yourself, just be honest with him. "But last time Dr. Armstrong got called away on an emergency, so I ended up having to see one of the male doctors and...I mean, it went alright, but it just. I wasn't expecting it."

He kisses the top of your forehead and sighs. "You could've called, Liv, and I would've been right there...see, I knew I shouldn't have let you talk me out of coming."

"I was okay by myself," you hurry to say, lest he get the wrong idea. Because you were, you fought back the urge to panic until you could safely break down in private, and that's all you can hope for some days, "but I...I guess I just feel better when you're around."

"I'll be there," he promises, hand resting on your bump in reassurance. He'll be there.

"Hey, ah...here's a question. Completely different topic. What would you think if I got a tattoo?"

"You hate tattoos," he reminds you. Which is true. You tolerate his because, well, it's part of him, but you wouldn't be sad at all if the tattoo removal fairy paid him a surprise visit one day.

"I do, yeah. But back when I was in college, I used to think I'd get one after I got married. Just something small that was meaningful to my husband and me, and I'd get it right next to my hipbone or somewhere like that so no one but the two of us would know it was there."

"And so...you want one now?" He looks surprised, maybe a little confused, but not at all displeased.

"Well, not right this second, obviously. But once Lilly's born and I'm back to my regular weight- maybe? Only if you liked the idea, of course."

"Oh, I do," he murmurs into your ear. "Have you thought about what it'd look like?"

"Not really. But I did think about getting it done right here," you say, pointing to the spot where your right hip meets your thigh, to a pink imprint of the jagged teeth of a key. It's not your largest scar, not even the one you're most ashamed of, but it's a good location for a tattoo and there's something very satisfying about the idea of watching it disappear under a layer of ink. "I saw a guy on TV who specializes in covering up burns, so if it's possible...what do you think?"

"You're really serious about this."

"Well...yeah? I mean, maybe it's a weird idea, but...you're the only person I'd do it for."

He grins, his face brighter than you've seen it since the day you told him you were pregnant, and then he's cupping your cheek in his palm and kissing you just as soundly as he did then. "One condition, though."

"Which is?" you ask.

"That I really am the only one who ever sees it. And that includes Nick."

"Deal."

{it's not the long walk home that will change this heart
but the welcome I receive with every start}

"Detective Tutuola! Have you seen- heyooo..."

Chief Dodds' eyes nearly bug out of his head when he sees you, and for once he's not even looking at your chest. He struggles to quickly regain his professional demeanor, clearing his throat and adjusting the knot on his tie. "I mean, look what we have here- I mean..."

"Chief," you say, keeping your sights trained on him (and there he goes, he's definitely checking out your boobs now). You know that if you look over at Fin, you're liable to crack up, which is probably a bad thing to do in front of your boss. Even if said boss's mouth is still slightly agape. "Should we go talk in my office?"

"I think we better," he says, and you start to get nervous as you make your way behind your desk. Once he gets over the shock and stops gawking, he's inevitably going to ask why you didn't tell him about your pregnancy before this. You know that he can't legally penalize you for it, but yet part of you feels like you're going to be in trouble, like the principal just noticed you're knocked up and now you're about to be kicked out of the 10th grade.

And the idea of being the slutty schoolgirl who's going to be punished- it's hardly an original scenario, but something about it seems so hot right now. (Just not with the chief involved, God no). You make a mental note to discuss this further with The Boyfriend and try to focus on something other than your raging hormones. "I want you to know, Chief, I wasn't trying to hide anything from you. We haven't had a chance to get together, and I wanted to talk with you about it in person, and-"

"How long has it been since we've met? My God, you must be- what, in your third trimester already?"

Um. "I'm 19 weeks along, actually."

"Ah, of course," he says with a nervous laugh. "It's been so long since I've been around a pregnant woman- I can't remember these things! But you're healthy, right? Everything's good?"

You'd be lying if you said you weren't enjoying watching him squirm. "So far, yes."

"But what are you even doing here? Shouldn't you be on maternity leave?"

"Well, I'm going to keep working as long as my doctor allows, because I'm trying to save as much time off as possible for after she's born. Which, since you're here, is what I wanted to talk to you about."

"Thinking of retirement? Not that I blame you-"

"What? No. At least not now, unless-"

"Oh thank God, we can't afford to lose you. So does this mean you're taking the lieutenants' exam? I'd been meaning to bring it up with you and then I heard Ed Tucker saying you were already registered. Does he know you're pregnant? He's such a nosy old bastard...now there's someone I'd like to see retire."

"I've thought about it, and I've decided to hold off on the exam for now," you say, sidestepping the question about Tucker and focusing on appearing confident about this decision. After talking it over with The Boyfriend, you know you're making the right choice, but you also know that you'll be tempted to cave if Dodds raises any of the objections that you yourself had brought up. (Except for the part about you being too big to fit in the desk. That's only acceptable coming from the person who's responsible for your weight gain in the first place). "Once I'm back from maternity leave, I'll reevaluate, but at this point I don't think it'd be beneficial for anyone- me taking on a new position when I can't give it my full focus."

You thought that sounded diplomatic, better than saying you're 'busy with other things' like The Boyfriend had suggested, but in typical Dodds fashion he wasn't about to concede so easily. "It wouldn't be that much of a change from what you're already doing, though, it'd just make your position permanent so you wouldn't be acting CO anymore."

"Believe me, I've thought about it a lot, what it would mean for the unit...but right now I feel like it's for the best, for my squad and my family."

"Family is important," he agrees. "Speaking of which, my son Mike's signed up for the lieutenant's exam. Following in his old man's footsteps."

"That's great. You must be very proud."

"Y'know, I think he could learn a lot from you. What would you say to me reassigning him to SVU for a bit? You're short-handed, I'm sure you could use the help, and then assuming he passes the exam- he could be our new CO."

"Well, I...wow. Might that be a problem, though? Him being in your chain of command?"

"Oh, don't worry about that. As long as it's temporary, we're not breaking any rules." He stands up, looking pleased with his solution. "I'll talk to Mike this afternoon. I'm sure he'll be thrilled."

"Has he worked in SVU before?" you ask, fairly certain that you already know the answer to your question but wanting to confirm.

"No," -just as you suspected- "but he's a smart kid, tries real hard. With you to guide him, he'll be up to speed in no time. Besides, he's getting married soon, so he needs to start getting used to taking orders from a woman!"

He laughs. You do not. "I...I'll look forward to meeting him."

"Hey, one more thing before I go," he says, looking over his shoulder and then leaning forward so he can lower his voice. "Mike and his fiancee, you know, they're wanting to start a family as soon as possible. But Mike, he's had some tests done- and he has a lower than average sperm count."

You cannot fathom what this has to do with anything. "Okay...?"

"I thought maybe since, ah...that you might have a good recommendation for a fertility specialist."

Your eyes widen to the point where you imagine that you must look like a cartoon character. "Oh. Well, honestly, I'm afraid I don't. This baby was a...surprise."

"Wow," he says, and you are acutely aware that right now your boss is thinking about you having sex. "That's..." He shakes his head as he starts to back toward the door. "Wow. Good for you!"

"Ah...thanks?"

Once he's gone, you allow yourself a minute or two to recover from whatever that was before planning your next move. You need to find out more about Mike. Who do you know that likes to gossip?

'nosy old bastard.'

You dial the extension and wait for a reply. "Lieutenant Tucker, glad I caught you- yes, I'm doing fine, thank you- what? No, I didn't change my mind. But I do have a favor to ask...what do you know about Mike Dodds?"

If he mentions Mike's low sperm count, you're hanging up on him.