The Author Tries to Fit All of her Excess Ideas Into One Story

Arthur woke up. He didn't seem to remember the previous day, but he contented himself by saying that he probably didn't want to remember it anyway.

Unless it included tea.

Arthur was suddenly very concerned. Had his previous day included tea? This was very important.

He began to get up and noticed Ford.

"Oh hello, Ford, what are you… Oh Dear God."

"Hello Arthur," said Ford amiably.

"Ford," said Arthur with growing horror, "Why are you eating my leg?"

"Well, I can't be an eat-man unless I've sampled everything."

"But… but that's cannibalism!"

"It's not cannibalism if you're different species," Ford pointed out, cutting off another sliver and forking it into his mouth.

"You could have at least cut it off first," said Arthur, feeling sick.

"Yeah… I was going to cook it, but I thought 'Well, that would take energy, and since I'm already here…'" Ford politely began to cut off another piece.

"Agh," said Arthur. He looked sadly at the leg, and then quickly looked away again.

"I was rather attached to that leg," said Arthur, "In more ways than one."

"You're not attached to much of it anymore," said Ford. Arthur flipped through his book of 'What To Do In A Perilous Situation'. There was only one page, so he flipped it back and forth frantically. Finally, he looked at the page. It said: If there is a situation where you can run, do so. If you can't run, scream. Screaming while you run is also a good idea. Arthur screamed.

"It's pretty good," said Ford, chewing thoughtfully, "Want to try some?"

"Eat my OWN leg? Eat my…"

"No?" said Ford, "I can't see wh…"

"Arthur?" interrupted Ford, "What's happening?" Arthur felt something being pulled away from his temples. He suddenly found himself in the control room of the Heart of Gold. Ford was holding a couple of electrodes that were plugged into the Infinite Improbability Drive and Clap was leaning back with a disturbed look on her face.

"You fail at persuading me that that thing's safe," she said.

"What?" said Arthur, "What's happening? Why don't I know?"

"Ford said that the Improbability Drive was safe. So he argued you into demonstrating and hooked you up. Then you started screaming, and sat bolt upright and stared." Clap backed a bit further away for good measure.

"So, what did you see?" said Ford, tossing the electrodes to the side.

"You were eating my leg," said Arthur nervously, "Because you said you needed to sample it to be an eat-man."

"Good point," said Ford. Arthur quickly pulled his legs up to his chest and hugged them.

"I've seen that more than once," said Clap, "In my line of work."

"It would probably be very healthy," continued Ford, "Lots of protein." Arthur looked sideways to Clap.

"DO something!" he said frantically.

"With a weapon?" Clap said hopefully.

"Yes!" said Arthur. He glanced at Ford, who was eyeing his leg. And whimpered.

"Ha HA!" said Ferdinand, running into the room and grabbing all their paper napkins.

"Who's that guy?" asked Ford.

"I dunno," said Clap, "But he sure has a funny name."

"Yeah," said Ford.

"What are you talking about!" said Arthur, "You're called Clapeh Writor! And you're named after a car!"

"I'm insulted," said Ferdinand.

Clap ran him through with her lightsaber.

"Not anymore, you aren't!" said Clap triumphantly. Ferdinand sank into the floor, leaving a mess of pixels behind.

"My lightsaber's the colour of whimsy!" shouted Clap.

"Looks more like burnt umber to me," said Ford.

"Or… brown…" Arthur said slowly.

Andema burst into the room.

"You're hanging out with Ford," she said to Clap, "That makes me suspicious."

"I poisoned his drink, and we developed a rapport," said Clap. Andema raised an eyebrow.

"A lot of the time, Ford, I really don't understand you."

"I turned puce and she gave me an antidote," said Ford, "What else could we be but friends?"

"Enemies?" suggested Arthur.

"That comment was uncalled for," said Ford. Zaphod ran into the room.

"Ha HA! Hey, wait, what happened to all our paper napkins?"

"That random computer character tried to take them," said Clap, "But I gave him what for!"

"Really?" said Zaphod, "It looks more like you killed them."

"That too," said Clap. She took her lightsaber out of its holster and turned it on.

"Hey, wow!" said Zaphod, "That laser sword is the colour of whimsy!"

"Brown…" muttered Arthur.

"Anyhow," said Zaphod, "We have to go and get some more paper napkins."

"I've got some right here," said Andema, "From Laura Secord."

"New York Fries," said Clap, handing them to Zaphod.

"And…" said Ford, digging through his satchel, "Manchu Wok!" He placed them triumphantly in Zaphod's outstretched hand. He returned to rummaging through his satchel.

"Ooh, a nifty orange hat! I forgot I had this!" Ford pulled a knitted orange hat with ear flaps and a pompom onto his head, where it clashed horribly with his hair.

"Jayne!" said Andema excitedly.

"What?" said Ford.

"I don't know," said Andema, "I had a sudden urge to say that."

"Aren't you going to give me a napkin, monkey-boy?" said Zaphod.

"It's Arthur," said Arthur.

"Whatever," said Zaphod.

"Ha HA!" he said, and ran out of the room.

"That hat looks awful," said Arthur.

"Actually, I quite like it," said Andema, "I think it's cute. Do you have another one, Ford?"

"No…" said Ford, "But we can clone it!"

"Yes!" said Andema. They both ran out of the room.

"That hat is the colour of vulnerability," said Clap.

"Orange…" said Arthur.

"Tea?" said Clap, holding out a flask.

"Please," said Arthur, taking it and drinking.

"Agh!"

"Your face is the colour of accusation," said Clap.

"Green!" choked Arthur. Clap held out another flask labeled 'Antidote'. With some difficulty, Arthur swallowed it.

"Want to go on a date?" said Clap.

"Nnynyuagh…" said Arthur, slowly returning to his normal colour.

"Great," said Clap.

"I've got ALL the paper napkins!" said Zaphod, running through the room.

THE END

Hullo to all you new H2G2 fans! Hooray for the movie!

Although the making-Arthur-an-active-hero and making-Trillian-the-fugitive-instead-of-Zaphod bits slightly confuses me, and I can never quite see Ford as being black, I'm sure it's not that bad. Except that I'm never going to accept that Arthur/Trillian relationship. Trillian loves Zaphod, damnit!

Besides, I bet all the original radio series fans scoff at us book fans. "Ha!" they say, "That's not anyone's personality at all!"

Oh well.

Oh right. Lightsabers belong to George Lucas. They are really hoopy.

Sorry if I shocked any of you with the, er, eating bit. This is what happens when I talk with my friends for any extended period of time.

This story is the colour of glee!