Zaphod Finds a Pinball Machine
A very dramatic scene was taking place on the television. (It was, in fact, not a television, but a high-tech vid-screen, but Arthur liked to keep things simple and Earth-named.)
A bratty kid was standing in a junkyard, while a skinny, druggie kid stood nearby. Or at least, Arthur thought they were kids. It was so hard to tell when the actors were blue.
"You stay away from my sister," said the bratty kid, "Or I'll resurrect your hamster!" He held a small rodent in his left hand.
"But my hamster's still alive!"
"I'll be the judge of that!"
The bratty kid drew a small circle, put the hamster in it, and began to dance around it, chanting.
"Nooooooooo!" screamed the skinny kid, and started to cry.
"Blatant Butterfly Effect rip-off," said Ford, sitting down and watching.
"What?" said Arthur.
On the screen, the skinny kid was trying to convince his mousy friend to scuff the sacred circle and free his hamster from being brought back to life.
"Unlike you, I stay up to date on Earth films," said Ford, pulling a bag of popcorn out of his satchel.
"Didn't the Earth blow up?" said Arthur, "Twice?"
Ford ignored him.
"You scuff that circle," said the bratty kid, "And I'll say some very rude things in the general presence of your mother."
"You wouldn't!" gasped the mousy child.
"You're right," said Bratty, "But I'd threaten to do it!" Mousy burst into tears.
"I can't do it, Nave, I'm sorry," he said to Skinny, backing away.
Zaphod walked in and shut off the television.
"I was watching that," protested Arthur.
"I was cleaning out the attic," said Zaphod, "And I found a cool pinball machine."
"Great!" said Ford. He put the bag of popcorn back into his satchel. "Come on, Arthur."
"Well, I was going to finish watching that program," Arthur argued feebly, then decided it wasn't worth it, and stood up and followed Ford. Zaphod pulled a rope in the ceiling and a bunch of stairs came down.
"Why'd they put an attic in a spaceship?" said Arthur, staring at the neat set of white stairs.
"Storage space," said Ford, taking the steps three at a time, and disappearing into the hole in the ceiling. Arthur, still wondering how this was possible, followed after Ford once more. Reaching the top, he gasped.
The interior of the attic wasn't white, like the rest of the ship. In fact, it was anything but.
The floor was composed of dusty wooden boards, as were the walls and ceiling. The floor was covered in old lamps, chests, and mysterious cardboard boxes sealed with yellowing tape. There were also two windows on opposite walls. Arthur pushed his way past a dressmaker's dummy to look out of the first one. It inexplicably looked out onto a view of a backyard with trees, grass, and a sandbox. Rushing to the other one, he saw a neighbourhood street with trees lining the road, and a little boy pedaling his tricycle down the sidewalk. It was apparently a beautiful sunny day.
"Ford!" hissed Arthur, "Come here!" Ford walked over, holding a battered teddy bear, and looked out the window.
"Tranquil," said Ford. He looked at the bear. "I never had a teddy bear," he said sadly.
"Are you going to look at the pinball machine or what?" said Zaphod impatiently.
"Right," said Ford grimly, clamping the bear firmly under one arm. He walked up to the machine.
"Here," said Zaphod, handing him a coin, "The key was in the coin box-thing, so I raided it." Ford inserted the coin into the slot that had an arrow pointing to it that said 'Please insert your coin here'. Nothing happened.
"Not there," said Zaphod, taking the coin out of the coin box and handing it back to Ford, "THERE!" He pointed to a slot that said 'Do NOT put anything in this slot. Not even a frit. This is one slot that nothing should ever go into'.
"It's so simple, it's obvious!" said Ford, and put the coin into the new slot. The machine rattled to life.
"A Space Journey!" flashed the words across the screen at the back, "Launch Your Ball!"
Ford pulled back the spring.
Arthur, meanwhile, had his face pressed against the window. He watched as a car drove by, and two girls on the lawn next door started a game of catch.
"Triple Space Combo," read the words.
"Yeah!" said Ford, pressing the flippers madly.
"Excuse me," said Arthur, "How do I open this window?"
"Smash it," said Ford, leaning forward across the machine, "Shit!"
"What was that?" said Zaphod.
"An Earth swearword," said Ford.
"Ball Two," said the glowing words.
"I can't smash the window," said Arthur, "The fines will be enormous!"
"Don't forget to credit Penny," said Ford sternly.
"Who's Penny?" said Arthur.
"For shame," said Ford, and began to press madly at the flippers.
"I can win the game!" shouted Justin Hobbylock. Then he left.
"Have you noticed there seem to be a large amount of random people here lately?" said Arthur.
"Triple Space Combo!" said Ford excitedly, "But with fries!"
"Shit," said Zaphod thoughtfully, "Shit shit shit. That's a nice word those Earth-people have got there."
"I'm an Earth-person," said Arthur, trying to find something large and heavy in the junk.
"Shit," said Zaphod rudely.
"You can't really use it like that," said Ford, performing a rather tricky manoeuvre.
"Hyper Space," read the words, "Black Hole, Twist Twist Twist, You Do The Hokey-Pokey And You Turn Yourself Around, Fish Flight, Creamed Fish, Fight Fight Fight."
"Whoa!" said Zaphod, "Those were some pretty lifty moves!"
"Yeah, they were really great," said Ford, knowing the proper way to deal with Zaphod.
"Argh!" said Arthur, and charged at the window with a toaster he'd found. It bounced off, and caught him on the side of the head.
"Nggah!" said Arthur, and collapsed.
"Cheese Whiz™," said the words, "Bunk Bed, Star, Starry, Moon, Cow, Planet Planet Planet Planet Planet Planet…" Zaphod hit the side.
"…TILT, Graphite, Rock, Where Have All The Flowers Gone?" Arthur clambered to his feet and looked out the window. A small crowd of people had gathered, and was looking up at the window—and Arthur. Arthur ducked down. Then, he cautiously poked his head up again. A girl winked at him.
"Ford," he said slowly, "Does this window exist?"
"That's a very good question," said Ford, "A veeeeery good question…" He stroked his chin for effect, and lost his ball.
"&!&$$$#!&&!" swore Ford. Arthur passed out. Zaphod removed his hands from where they were clutching his heads.
"Ball Three," said the small words, running somewhat nervously across the screen.
"That was some intense symbol swearing," said Zaphod, "You gave me headaches." He looked over his shoulder with one head.
"Oh, and you knocked out Earth-man too."
Ford launched his final ball.
As there isn't any reason to start describing what was actually happening in the game now, after it hasn't been done for the entire story, the next part of Ford's game will be described by the words running across the screen.
"Jelly, Ice Cream, Dickens Slap, Wishbone Wishbone Make A Wish, If You Wish Upon A Pineapple You'll Get A Very Good Pina Colada, Swiss Cheese, Matter Is Full Of Holes, Soft As A Baby's, Bottom Line, Money Money Money Something Something I Forget The Words."
Arthur woke up groggily. Remembering the previous events, he looked out the window.
Everyone had left. He battered his hands against the window, then gave up, and went to watch Ford.
"So," he said, "What's happening?"
"In order to win," said Ford, "I have to lose this ball. But it's my last one."
"You have to lose to win," said Zaphod, "The irony!"
"No, not really," said Ford, "With the films that are coming out, it's not unexpected anymore. For instance, at the end of the vid Arthur was watching, Nave saves everyone by jumping off a building in the past and dying. Then the fabric of space and time unravels."
"That's not a very good moral," said Arthur.
"Yeah, but there were some great special effects," said Ford, "All right. Here goes." He stepped back dramatically from the machine.
"Aha Ha Ha," read the words, "You Lose!" Ford held an umbrella threateningly over it.
"Just Messing, You Win, Jackpot, Money, Prestige, King! High Score."
Ford entered his name into the high score list.
"Now let's see how you match up to me!" said Zaphod.
"1st Place," read the words, "Ford! 235,889,996,521,533,742! 2nd Place, Zaphod! 2."
"The machine obviously wasn't designed with my brilliant skills in mind," explained Zaphod.
"Obviously," said Arthur sarcastically.
"No, it's not really obvious," said Ford, "Zaphod's bad at arcade games."
"I resent that," said Zaphod.
"That's what I was saying," said Arthur, ignoring Zaphod, which annoyed him quite a lot.
"No, you agreed with Zaphod," said Ford, frowning. Suddenly, he grinned.
"Ohhh. Sarcasm! You were using sarcasm!"
"Yes…" said Arthur, slightly troubled by Ford's mad grin.
"Right!" said Ford triumphantly, putting the umbrella away in his satchel.
"It's like Mary Poppins' carpet bag," said Arthur. He'd quite liked that book when he was a child.
"No it's not," said Ford, looking in his satchel, "What's THIS doing in here?" Hand over hand, he pulled a lamp out, and put it beside him on the floor.
Arthur raised an eyebrow. It was a weird day.
"I think I'll leave now," he said, leaving.
"And I'm sure I never put this in here," said Ford, taking out a bowling ball, "Or this. Or this." He pulled out a vacuum cleaner and a music stand.
"Hoopy!" said Zaphod, taking out a bottle of Bibley's Death Drink and a packet of Granter's Joobnuts. There was a picture of a grinning Zaphod on the front of the Joobnuts, and a speech bubble that said 'Granter's Joobnuts. The best nut for when you're on the run from the law.'
"Or this," said Ford, taking out a grand piano.
THE END
For a short story, that was really long.
All characters and the Heart of Gold belong to Douglas Adams, except; apparently my friend Hilary has Ford and Zaphod in her basement.
Silly Hilary.
I know she doesn't, because Douglas Adams is in my storage room, and he told me they weren't.
The Butterfly Effect belongs to whoever made that movie. Man, that movie is so great. I don't care what anyone says. I cry at the end every time with that Oasis song.
Mary Poppins belongs to P.L. Travers, or whoever's still alive in her family, or even possibly Disney. Really, no idea.
So…who's still reading this?
Or, better question, why?
I'm just going to ramble, and you know it.
Haven't you got something better to do with your time?
Like reading blogs?
Ha ha, just kidding…
Anyhow, I got FallenAngel's application thingy. You'll see yourself in maybe the 34th story. I think that's how many I'm up to by now. Still open for others.
Anyone want some complimentary beans?