Arthur Receives a Death Sentence

"Hey Arthur!" said Ford, bursting into Arthur's room, "There's a letter for you in the mail!"

"What mail?" said Arthur, taking the letter, "How do we get mail in the middle of space?"

"Stop bringing up the plot holes and open it!" said Ford gleefully.

"For that matter," said Arthur, "Everyone's been acting very childish lately. And there are two new girls who act suspiciously like…"

"Open it!" Ford interrupted frantically.

"And where were they anyways in the last story? And…" Ford grabbed the letter from Arthur's hands and opened it.

"Dear Sir," he read, "We regret to inform you that due to your blatant disconsideration of the law, you have been cited for a fatal injection. Please come to the TDC at your earliest convenience. Thank you." Arthur was gaping in horror.

"Well, that was polite," said Ford, "Oh look, I've been summoned as well for 'Obstruction of the Law'."

"Ford," said Arthur quietly, "We're both going to die."

"Hmm," said Ford, "Well, I DID warn you about the tea. You can't say I didn't."

"How are we going to get out of this!" said Arthur wildly.

"Is disconsideration even a word?" mused Ford.

"We can run away," said Arthur hopefully, "Run away very fast to the other end of the galaxy."

"I mean, if I'm going to die," said Ford, "they should at least tell me so using proper grammar."

"So, when do we leave?" said Arthur, having made up his mind about how he was not going to die.

"Oh, we can't," said Ford mildly, "I'll show you." Together, they went to the control room. Arthur stared at the screen. A number of very dangerous looking ships were surrounding the Heart of Gold. A face appeared on another screen.

"Oh, hello," the face said amiably, "I'd hoped to catch you two chaps before lunch." The face staring back of them was the face of a man who obviously enjoyed his own lunches. It was jolly, and overheated.

"What would you say," said Ford, "If I told you that this time was not at our earliest convenience?"

"My dear chaps," said the man, "My dear dear dear chappies! My old eggs! My left socks which have disappeared! My good old frogs!" Arthur fidgeted as he waited for the man to finish his rather long list of obscure terms of endearment.

"My dry lint bubbles," said the man, running out of steam, "My atomized Troge blasters!"

"My almond-flavoured fleece towels," suggested Ford.

"Quite," said the man. He screwed up his face.

"Could you repeat the question, old thing? I seem to have forgotten the question." Arthur had to concentrate very hard on not simply rushing over to the teleport booth and teleporting himself the photon out of there.

"What would you say if I told you that this time was not at our earliest convenience?" said Ford patiently.

"Ah," said the man.

"I would say," he said, losing all jollity and adopting an air of menace, "that you had better make this time your earliest convenience."

"I was afraid he'd say something like that," said Arthur.

"Now, now," said the man, "Don't take this the wrong way."

"The wrong way?" Arthur almost-screamed, "You're going to kill us!"

"No, of course I'm not," said the man.

"But you…"

"I have flunkies to do that for me."

"So we'll just pop over, shall we?" said Ford.

"If you would be so kind," said the man, and disappeared from the screen.

"Right-ho," said Ford, and frowned, "Righty-ho." He walked over to the teleport booth.

"Hoopy." He tapped a complex beat on the door, and then sat, cross-legged on the floor.

"What are you doing?" said Arthur.

"I'm coming up with a plan," said Ford, "Shh!" He began to pace, and then stood up and paced some more.

"How did you manage that?" asked Arthur.

"Shh!"

Alek ran in and laughed loudly.

"Heeheeheehehhee!"

"Shh!" said Ford. He shook his fist at Alek.

"Oh. Thanks," said Ford. Alek whispered something to Ford.

"That's brilliant!" said Ford, "Except that I'm not taking over the world." Alek looked sad.

"Cheer up," said Ford, "I'll use the other plan when I'm not about to die." Alek cheered up, and ran away to the kitchen, where he was promptly eaten by a potted plant.

"So," said Ford, "I have a plan."

"Great!" said Arthur.

"But it involves us being on the other main spaceship," said Ford.

"Not quite as great," said Arthur.

"No, it'll work," said Ford. He pulled Arthur into the teleport booth and pressed some buttons.

'Pszht' went the booth as it split them both into atoms and whizzed them through the air.

"Argh!" went Arthur as he was split into atoms and whizzed through the air.

Ford didn't say anything, as every atom of his being was thinking,

"Oh shit, I forgot the guns."

A clear-minded person would, at this moment ask how it is that a bunch of atoms could think anything. To which Ford would answer, "Shh! Don't expose the plot holes!" To which the same clear-minded person would probably ask how a bunch of atoms could say anything, and how a character could have knowledge of their own story. Hearing this, the author would probably have to go have a stiff drink(ice tea) and a lie-down.

There were far too many plot holes floating about. Several of them plastered themselves over the guards standing outside the teleport booth on the other ship.

They were never seen again.

Ford burst out of the teleport booth holding a banana.

"Bam bam bam!" he shouted.

Arthur staggered out of the machine.

"Ford," he croaked, "Never make me teleport again."

"No-one's here," said Ford, "I don't have to use Penny's plot." He put away the banana.

"Oh no!" said Arthur, as he was seized from behind.

Ford laughed.

"I've discovered my mental powers," he said, "You can't capture me."

"That's were you're wrong!" said an older woman, walking into the room.

"A little help here?" said Arthur as his hands were cuffed behind his back.

"Ford Prefect, what are you doing?" said the woman crossly.

"I was thinking of escaping," said Ford quietly, hanging his head.

"Ford!" said Arthur urgently.

"Don't you use that tone of voice with me, mister," said the woman, shaking her finger at Ford.

"Yes mum," said Ford.

"What are you talking about?" said Arthur, "She's not your mum!"

"She could be," said Ford.

"But she's not."

"True."

"Stop talking!" said Mum.

"Yes mum," Arthur found himself saying. Mum sighed.

"The things I have to put up with," she said to no-one in particular, "I slave away, and you repay me by not submitting yourselves willingly to the authorities."

"Sorry mum," said Ford apologetically, "Will it help if I get Arthur to come?"

"It might," said Mum.

"No!" said Arthur, "Ford, don't do it!"

"Listen, Arthur," said Ford reasonably, "You're always worried about dying, right?

"Yes…" said Arthur, wondering where this was going.

"So theoretically, if you die, you won't have to worry about dying anymore."

"Run!" screamed Arthur's brain, "Panic panic panic! Run AWAY!"

"True…" said Arthur faintly. He wasn't sure he liked the way the conversation was going, but it made perfect sense.

"So why don't you just do what these people say, and then we can all get what we want. You won't have to worry any more. That IS what you want, isn't it?"

"Well, yes," said Arthur, feeling horribly put upon, although he was unsure why.

"There you go," said Ford, "Come on Arthur."

"All…all right," said Arthur, walking meekly behind Mum and Ford.

"I could have been a successful artist if I hadn't decided to look after you," said Mum, "You should be grateful." They entered a white, hospital-like room. Two expressionless people stood beside two identical chairs with straps on them.

"This makes perfect sense," thought Arthur, allowing himself to be strapped into a chair. In the chair beside Arthur, Ford's eyes widened in horror.

"That wasn't fair," he said indignantly, "You had no right to take over my mind."

"You took over mine," said Arthur, blinking.

"That—I—logic…shut up, Arthur! And don't you think the straps are a little excessive?"

"No," said Mum, "You are both dangerous criminals. All precautions are necessary."

"I'm not dangerous," said Arthur helpfully, "I'm only here because I drink tea."

Everyone gasped and Mum looked horrified.

"Ohhh, you deserve this," said Mum coldly, a steel edge to her jaw. Arthur looked more worried than usual after seeing the look on her face.

Meanwhile, a female guard wearing a helmet and sunglasses stepped into the room and stood at attention beside the door.

"Administer the injections," barked Mum. Arthur began to hyperventilate. The two expressionless, and also apparently genderless people raised their needles beside Arthur and Ford's arms. Arthur closed his eyes and braced himself while Ford frantically tried to think of a plan and realized that they'd taken away his satchel.

"Give it back!" he said angrily.

"What?" said Mum.

"Freeze!" shouted somebody, "Nobody move!" Three people dressed entirely in white and holding very large guns surrounded the chairs and Mum.

"Just what do you think you're doing?" said Mum.

"You are under arrest," said one of the figures in white, "For not sterilizing your needles."

"But we're killing them!" said Mum, "It's a lethal injection!"

"That's no excuse," said the figure, "You could give them a disease."

"They're going to die anyway!" said Mum disbelievingly.

"Right, that's enough lip from you," said the figure. He shot Mum with a stun gun and cuffed her. Then, he and the two other white-clad folk dragged Mum out of the room. The genderless executioners shrugged, and followed.

Arthur and Ford were left with the female guard, still strapped into their chairs.

"Don't worry," said Ford, "I've got a plan."

"I had one too," said the guard casually, walking over to the chairs, "But the Galactic Health Organisation just rendered it unnecessary."

"That's nice," said Ford, "Have you ever considered how satisfying to your ego it could be to let us go right now?"

"Probably," said the guard, "But first, you are going to explain why you left me on Trio." She removed her helmet, revealing a hat underneath, and then her sunglasses, revealing slightly insane hazel eyes.

"Malea?" said Ford, "But you were eaten by a Gvengabeast!"

"I said I was going to feed a Gvengabeast," said Malea Botor.

"Same thing," said Ford, "You were going to commit suicide."

Arthur pulled at his straps. They didn't get any looser.

"I was going to feed it nuts," said Malea, "A Gvengabeast is a little squirrel-like creature. How could it kill me?"

"It could gnaw you to death," said Ford. Arthur tried to wriggle out from the straps.

"True…" said Malea thoughtfully, "Or smother me."

"Or drown you in shit if you lived in a hole."

"Any chance you could set us free?" said Arthur, "Not that this isn't a brilliant conversation…"

"Double negative," said Malea.

"What?"

"You just used a double negative."

"I don't care," said Arthur impatiently.

"Well, it's your loss," said Malea, starting to cut off the straps, "Any idea why these are made of leather instead of metal?"

"None whatsoever," said Ford, "Are you coming back to the ship with me?"

"Yes."

"But you've got a new girlfriend," said Arthur.

"I wasn't going to mention that," said Ford, glaring at Arthur.

"It doesn't matter," said Malea, giving Ford back his satchel, "I'm too annoyed with you to be your girlfriend. I intend to be the mechanic on The Heart of Gold."

"But you're an Earth specialist," said Ford, "You don't understand anything about complicated machines."

"Oh, so first you abandon me on Trio and now you're crushing my dreams?" said Malea.

They all walked into a teleport booth. Ford set the coordinates.

"Fine," said Ford, "But you don't get to mess with the Improbability Drive." Arthur looked ill.

"Isn't there a little spaceship we could use insteaaargh!"

They arrived at The Heart of Gold. Zaphod was standing in front of the teleport booth.

"Guess what guys?" he said excitedly, "I checked the mail, and I may have already won a million dollars!"

"The world is mine!" said Reginald Stubbins, running past with a globe held over his head.

THE END

Frickin' Long Story. Sheesh.

This one took me a while to write, but I had the idea for it way back when I gave Ford a girlfriend. I mean, although Arthur didn't mention it…and I hate to say it…Andema, Clap, and Malea are based on me and my friends, although only if we'd been out in the galaxy for a while and gone insane. There's even a few references to them being them. I mean us.

Seriously, though, Penny isn't really like Clap.

That much…

So, I think the main reason I put Malea back in, was because like any self-respecting fan fiction writer, I couldn't stand not to have myself in my own stories once given the chance.

So…Alek belongs to himself: he's a kid in my school. Sorry Alek.

Also, Penny kindly informed me that my jolly executioner has speech patterns much like Arthur's friend Murray Bost Henson in So Long and Thanks For All the Fish. I was unaware of this while I was writing it and my response to Penny went something like: "Shut up and go away!"

The actual reason for the executioner was my unending amusment after going on a P.G. Wodehouse marathon. Heh. Upper-class British people are so funny.

Oh, and I'm sure I've inadvertently stolen the "stiff drink and a lie-down" from somewhere else, though I'm not sure where. Or if I did.

My memory is like…swiss cheese. It's really gummy and gross and full of holes.

Or more like, I can't remember most things for more than two days. Sometimes I forget what I'm talking about in the middle of a sentence.

Oh well.

What else…

Oh, right. Mum is based on this really annoying mum in a movie I saw once and can't remember the name of. It was about this totally dysfunctional mother who neglects one of her daughters because she has a learning disability, even though she's brilliant at the piano. She kept using these little guilt trips on both her daughters, so I couldn't resist putting her in.

Man oh man, Zaphod is childish in this story.

There is an inordinate amount of plot holes, even for one of MY stories.

Lastly, Reginald Stubbins makes my friend Marion laugh uncontrollably.

I still have no idea why.