Ford Gets Drunk and Tries to Tell a Joke

"No, really, this is a great joke," said Ford, slumping back in his chair.

"I…" said Arthur.

"Now, I know what you're thinking," said Ford, "You're thinking…no, I've forgotten what." He banged the table.

"But," he said pointedly, "There's this one thing you've got to know."

"The one thing," he said seriously, and close to Arthur's face, "Was that I bloody well knew what you were talking…no, I mean thinking…" Ford slammed his fist down.

"The point is, is that I KNEW."

"I said I wanted to hear your joke half an hour ago," said Arthur.

Three hours ago, Ford had asked Arthur if he wanted to get drunk, because, he, Ford, was going to. Arthur had said, yes, he'd like that very much. And he would have, until Ford took out the Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters. Now he was simply sitting here, as Ford babbled on in a drink induced haze. Arthur couldn't remember the last time he'd had a good drink. He reasoned this was because the first Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster he had ever been stupid enough to try had burned that memory out of his brain.

"Right," said Ford, "So these four furry things walk into a bar, and there are a bunch of girls there. And one of the girls says, 'Not my watermelon' and the furry things all yell, 'It's snowing!'"

Ford laughed so hard he cried.

"I don't get it," said Arthur.

"Oh…h….h," said Ford, struggling to stop laughing.

"Who's laugh…oh. It's you Ford," said Andema, "Oh look. Drinks!" She sat down and took one of the many drinks covering the table. She took a sip.

"So, what's so funny?" said Andema.

"Here, I've got another one," said Ford.

"He's telling jokes," Arthur explained wearily.

"Oh," said Andema, wincing slightly as she took another sip.

"Okay. There's a Vogon wearing a hat…no, that's not right. He's wearing a sock. A sock on his head. And the sock has got greeting cards on it and little blue stars. And the sock implodes! Hahaha, and then the…haha, the Vogon says…" Ford gasped for air, "…he says 'Where's my dinner!'" Ford began to laugh again.

"No, I don't get it either," said Andema. Wild laughter came from another source as well. Arthur looked around and discovered it to be Malea, who had collapsed against the wall.

"What's so funny!" said Arthur, "I don't understand these jokes!"

"I…don't…either," Malea managed to gasp.

"Oh," said Arthur, "Then what are you laughing about?"

"Just…it's funny because it doesn't make sense," said Malea.

"Are you drunk?" said Arthur suspiciously.

"No, I don't drink," said Malea solemnly.

"I've got another one," said Ford.

"Yes!" said Malea.

"There was a beach," said Ford, "A beach covered in sand. Well, there were some rocks too. And the beach was made of sand. Some of the sand was underwater, otherwise it wouldn't be a beach. I was on the beach once. But the sun was too bright for me to see much." Ford finished off his 17th Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.

"So?" said Arthur.

"That's it," said Ford, "Except for the clams. They were being fished. You see?" Ford gestured to try and prompt Arthur.

"I just don't get it," said Arthur.

"I've got a joke," said Zaphod, "How many Earthlings does it take to reconfigure a troflboard? 304, because the… Oh."

Trillian, who had also appeared randomly, was glaring at him.

"What's a troflboard?" said Arthur. Zaphod and Ford sniggered.

"A man walked into a bar," said Clap loudly, walking into the room, "and he walked up to a barstool and sat down. And the bartender said 'What'll you have?' And the man said 'Something really strong.' So the bartender decided to play a joke, and he mixed him up a triple helping of Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.

'Now look,' said the bartender, 'I'm going to start you out on a simple gin and tonic, and we'll see if you can hold it. But I've got a bet for you. I think you're a man who can't hold his liquor but if you prove me wrong, I'll give you this drink and another one for free. But if you lose, you have to pay 10 times the price of this drink.'

'All right,' said the other man, and gulped it down. The bartender waited for the man's brain to burn out. But the man simply blinked.

'Can I have my free drink now?' he said.

'I have to admit something,' said the bartender, 'I didn't give you a gin and tonic. I gave you a triple helping of Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. So tell me: How did you manage to hold your drink?'

'Well,' said the man. But then the bar exploded and everyone died." Clap grinned. Everyone else was very quiet.

"Here," said Clap, "I've got another one. What goes, 'Aghaghagh, my leg, ow, argh, the horrible horrible pain, ahhhhhhh, arggghhh, I'm dying… ohowwwwww, aaahhrrrgghh…"

"What…?" said Arthur tentatively.

"People who don't laugh at my jokes," said Clap.

Everyone laughed really loudly.

THE END

This all came about during a lunch discussion. I think I was joking with Penny about Ford trying to tell a sex joke but he forgets all of the plot and it ends up being really obscure. Then I just decided to make Ford tell obscure jokes. Because obscure jokes are funny.

In my mind, Zaphod's entire joke goes something like this: How many Earthlings does it take to reconfigure a troflboard? 304, because they're so stupid!

It's probably an old, traditional Betelgeusian joke.

Also, Clap's joke was inspired by a guy in my class from Grade four to Grade 8 called Shimmy. He used to tell jokes like that which I found endlessly amusing. So did he. They weren't generally as long though. They were more like, "Two guys walked into a bar. And then they died.

So, thanks, Shimmy.

Bobbobbob Magreya. Tonight at nine…

Here are comments.

Lily Knotwise: Good.

BeatlesLover: Eh. I was just wondering, because I got a totally anonymous submission. From this Muffin Queen. If I paid attention, I'd probably know who it really was, but I haven't been reading anyone's thingy recently, so I don't know. Thank you. I wear glasses too, except I've been trying to get rid of them. Leaving them in different places… Tossing them casually over my shoulder at the beach… Nothing works. My dad actually went diving for them, and FOUND THEM. /sigh/ I really want new glasses.

Jimmy the Gothic Egg: I feel like your name was something different before. Oh well. Anything that gives me the false illusion of a new person reading my story is good. And thank you. I like that line too. I know authors aren't supposed to think their own work is funny, or something, but I'm just too full of myself for that to happen. I read it and laugh hysterically. Sad, isn't it.

Kkwy: I have absolutely no idea how to pronounce that. But, and I may have mentioned this already 16 zillion times in various places and ways, but the book is always better than the movie. Without exception. And I think we're probably both insane.

schneizerflaggen: Wow, I've been printed. I feel…special.

gnatbuzz21: And I do. That's the best way to verify goodness, is it not? Just make a few people laugh, and my job is done.

And holy crap, man, 84 reviews! I feel loved.