If you're ever depressed and don't want to talk about, hang out with Scott. He may force you into a discussion of "you took my 9/16ths gear wrench and didn't replace it" but he won't ask you how you're feeling over your girlfriend and first real lover walking out on you. Rach wasn't the first person I had ever had sex with, but she was the first one to stay around after we were dressed. So, yeah, I was depressed. I missed her. I missed her smile and laugh and little sexy walk. This car wasn't going to take forever. What was I going to do then?

I could have gone to her and talked to her and told her I wanted to be with her forever. But then she would have wanted me to move in with her. I knew her. That's what she wanted, me to be with her. But I couldn't bail on Scott like that. Even if I stayed working with him, I couldn't leave. He was used to people doing that, just like I was. When something better came along, the people you cared about disappeared into the night. It was the way things worked, but I wasn't going to be like that with him. Rach would come around. She had been drunk and frustrated. Once I explained how bad the money situation had been, she would understand. And then we would have a few drinks and dance and a little fun, and all would be well.

At least it should have been. I should have been thinking of what she said and laughing at how silly she was. Of course she made me happy. Didn't she see how much I smiled when we were together? That was happy. Sure, it didn't make me feel warm and safe, but how often had I felt that in my life? Not that I needed it. I liked how free I was with her. Yeah. Freedom. That's the important thing. That's what I wanted.

"What the hell are you doing?" Scott's voice broke in on my thoughts.

I whirled around, ready to let him have it. If it weren't for this stupid junkyard and him teaching me to fix cars, I wouldn't be in this mess. Before I could say anything, he motioned to the hammer in my hand. "You're going to pound that metal out of shape," he said.

I looked down. I had been trying to bend a piece of metal and I guess I had been hitting it a little too hard. It was starting to dimple and the arc was way more than it was supposed to be. "Sorry," I muttered.

Scott hesitated. "Kat, if you want to take a break, then I can take it from here."

"I'm okay."

Scott shook his head, clearly not believing me. "Sure you are. You haven't been out of the garage since we got the job. Not for Rachel, not for a drink, not even for dinner. I don't mind the cave. You do."

I looked up at him tiredly. "If you want dinner, just say so."

He knelt down so that we were at eye level. "What I want is for my Kat to be back. The one that moved herself in on me. The one who has been my right arm ever since. The one that annoys the hell out of me in one breath and makes me laugh in the next."

My lower lip was trembling and I was about to break out in sobs right in front of Scott. "I met her one year ago today."

Like I said, Scott's a man of few words. He hugged me instead. And then I did lose it. I couldn't help it. I didn't have to worry about what he thought or would do. I just started, and it wouldn't stop. I was tired of having demands put on me all of the time. I know, what could I know about demands, I could do whatever I wanted. But that wasn't true. I felt like I was always balancing everything and it could all come tumbling down in the slightest breeze. I think right then, I finally realized what I had been looking for. It wasn't freedom. At least, not in the way I had defined it before. I was looking for a home. I wanted something solid, consistent. I didn't want to wonder anymore who was going to ditch me, and when it was going to happen. I wanted to know that in a year, I wasn't going to be alone and wandering again. I had always thought freedom meant not having any anchors weighing you down. Now I knew that anchors kept you from drifting off and getting lost in the fog.

Scott was cradling me when I finally calmed down, stroking my hair and saying some nice things about how great I was and how much Rachel was stupid for thinking I didn't want to be with her. His cast was finally off of his arm and we fitted together comfortably. I wanted to push off of him and get away. It was embarrassing, but still comforting. Scott was the one person in the world I could trust with my tears. Most people use them to get something out of you. They see your pain and hone in on it, trying to make the most out of it. Scott, I knew, would never speak of it again if I asked him. His ability to keep a secret was annoying at times, but now I understood why someone who had a big one would be willing to tell Scott. He would go to his grave with it if he thought that was best.

"Move in with her," Scott said. "Today. Right now."

"What?" Had I heard him right?

Scott looked at me so sadly, I wanted to cry all over again. "I can't stand to see you hurting like this anymore," he said. "So I'm kicking you out. You can't live here anymore. Pack up Lucy and get out."

Lucy. He finally called my car by its name. He had thought it was so silly to name a hunk of steel and plastic. But he had known. "I'm not going anywhere," I said, getting up.

"Yes, you are," he said sharply. "You want to be with her. You're worried I'll think badly of you if you go. I won't. I want you to be happy. I didn't say you've lost your job here. Just the bed."

"Both of you want me to be happy, so neither of you want me around?" I said, my temper rising. "That's just great, Scott. Thanks a lot."

"That kind of crying isn't for someone that you just like to dance with," he shot back. "Be in love with her. It's not wrong to feel like that with someone. It's hard to find, so be glad you did." He looked down, like he was ashamed of something. "It's okay, Kat," he muttered. "It's okay to want to be happy. So go with her and be happy."

"I don't want to be with her!" I yelled, frustrated with everyone trying to be so damn patient and giving to me. "I don't want to be there I want to be here! I want to be with you and this stupid garage and fixing cars and making dinners and knowing that's the way life is going to be!" I sniffed. "I want to be able to be able to work for days on end and that be okay. Or if I want to go out and get a drink I don't want to have to worry about offending anyone."

Scott looked utterly shocked. I wanted to hit him. So he now knew I didn't look at the garage as a chain around my neck. Yeah, I liked going out, but I liked being here too. "I'm going to go talk to Rachel," I said and stormed out.

It was early enough that I knew Rachel would be home. I drove fast over there, gritting my teeth as I shifted gears. Fine. Scott wanted me out, I would leave. Let him deal with all that every day on his own. He would be sorry then. He would miss me. My tires squealed as I pulled into Rachel's driveway. I jumped out of the car, ready to declare my undying love to Rach when the door opened and Jesse walked out.

We both stopped dead, facing each other like two gunslingers in an Old West movie. For a moment, sheer terror flashed over her face and then was replaced with haughtiness. "Well Miss High and Mighty has decided to show my girlfriend some attention," she sneered.

"Get out," I snapped. She hesitated. She had obviously been on her way out, but she didn't want it to look like Rach was done with her and told her to go, like she did with most of the people she slept with. To my knowledge, I was one of the very few allowed to spend the night. "There's nobody to pull me off of you," I added with a threatening step forward.

She squealed, and ran like hell. Good choice. I walked inside the house. It was a mess, proof that the party had been at Rach's that night. A couple of people were still passed out on various horizontal surfaces. I walked into the bedroom where Rachel's nude body was sprawled across the sheets.

"Jesse, I said go home," she slurred irritably.

"She did," I said softly.

Rachel almost killed herself, jumping out and twisting around. That doesn't sound like much, but when you're hung over and haven't slept, it's pretty funny to watch. "Kat!" She got out of bed and hugged me. "I missed you."

"Really?" I didn't mean it to sound so bitter, but I couldn't help it.

She let me go and stepped back. I didn't know what to say. She was so beautiful that I wanted to grab her and spend the rest of the day not worrying about anything else. But then what? I needed to support myself to live. Was I supposed to spend every day wondering if I worked late would Rachel be bringing someone else home? I once read one of those cheesy little sampler things that said "Home is Where You're Missed". This weird feeling started in my stomach. I pushed it away and concentrated on Rachel.

She grabbed a silky robe off of the closet doorknob. "Come on," she said, leading me out of the room, and up to the roof. Rachel liked to be able to lay on the roof, so she had a ladder permanently installed going up. We climbed up and sat there for several minutes, not knowing what to say.

"What do you want to hear?" she asked. "We broke up. You don't call, what else can I do but think it's over?"

"Glad you got over me so quickly," I said.

She sighed and looked away. "I was depressed. And quit acting like you've been all straight and narrow."

My eyes narrowed. "What's that supposed to mean?"

She glared at me back. "Oh please, like it wasn't obvious. I practically give you permission, and you go skipping off with Scott, hand in hand. Don't tell me you haven't been going at it every chance you got."

My jaw dropped. "You think me and Scott are together?" Her expression said it all. "Rach, you are insane! Scott and I aren't like that."

She smiled slightly. "Then why do you save all your real emotion for him? Whenever you're really angry or happy or anything, it's all centered around him. The only real passion I can get out of you is when we're in bed, and that's not enough anymore."

"That's not true," I protested, but she shook her head.

"I told you about Jesse and got a whatever for it. You saw her making out with Scott and about blew a lid. She can sleep with me, and that's okay, but she insults him and you kick her ass." She took my hand, kissed the palm, and then curled my fingers up over it. "Kat," she asked me simply, "what makes you feel good to be alive?"

Being missed, I thought before I could stop myself. Knowing that if I left, I would leave a hole in someone's life. But I couldn't bring myself to say that to Rachel. I didn't know what to say and after a long minute she smiled gently before leaning over and giving me a soft kiss.

"I will always be your friend," she said. "Happy Anniversary."

It was late when I finally got back to the junkyard. I had driven around for hours, letting the rush of the car take me away from everything. Down by the ocean, up on cliffs, pushing the limit everywhere I could. It felt good to feel like I was in control of something in my life. But I finally had to head on back. I loved Lucy, but she wasn't comfortable to sleep in.

Scott was in bed when I got home. I crawled into bed and lay there for a while, thinking. Scott had put away my tools. Not packed them up, but just made sure they wouldn't get lost for tomorrow. He knew I was going to come back. He told me to leave, I had walked, but he knew I was going to come back. I bit my lip softly. Why did this have to be so confusing?

"You two can't be fighting already," Scott said from the dark. I jumped.

"I thought you were asleep," I said. I could feel his shrug more than see it.

"I was worried about you," he admitted.

"I went over to Rachel's and she had a party last night," I said. "She spent the night with Jesse."

Scott blew out a breath. "Rachel has very little taste when she's upset."

That brought a smile to my lips, "That's a bit of the pot calling the kettle black, don't you think?" I rolled to my side, propping my head on my hand, watching Scott's lips turn to a small smile before he turned his head to face me.

"You okay?" There was real concern in his eyes. Call me crazy, but I could tell he missed me, even though I was only gone for a length of hours. I hadn't seen that in Rachel's eyes. It's as if she'd faced the fact that there would never be anything between her and I again. She knew that the part of my life with her was over.

I glanced at the old blanket and picked at a loose thread, "No," I took a deep breath and glanced up at Scott, "But that's to be expected."

I felt Scott's hand on my shoulder, "I'm sorry."

"You didn't do anything." I countered, biting my lip. This was too crazy. Scott's hand felt very warm. Very right. "Don't worry about it." I managed, rolling so my back was facing him and his hand was no longer on my arm.

We were both silent for a moment and I heard Scott take a deep breath before his arm wrapped around my stomach and he pulled my body so it was nestled against him, "I'll worry as much as I want." He whispered, relaxing against me, "Just sleep now."

I tried to respond, but I couldn't as tears began to slide down my face again. This crying thing really had to stop or I was going to flood the garage. I knew that there was nothing I could do but get through it. And the worst part was that Scott and I on the bed together should have been uncomfortable and awkward. But it wasn't. It felt like exactly what I wanted. It felt like home.