Grabbo

"So… is it difficult being under-appreciated?" said Andema awkwardly.

"Yeah," said the girl, "It sucks. Everything sucks. I hate it."

"Well, have you ever thought of learning to play the guitar?" said Andema, "It's a nice way of expelling angst. You can write depressing songs. Or maybe some sort of boyfriend to give you the love you never had."

"I don't want love," said the girl sulkily, "I don't need it. I don't need anyone. What's a guitar?"

"And instrument. With strings. There's one in the attic."

"Fucking hell, I hate it here!" screamed the girl, standing up and kicking the wall.

"It's not anyone's fault," said Andema, "Except Arthur's."

And it was. A strange ship had started firing things at them and Arthur had panicked and activated the Infinite Improbability Drive. And Andema had ended up in the white room with nothing in it except an angry girl.

"Arthur?" said the girl, "I should have known! My dad always ruins my life. All I was trying to do was destroy the remnants of my mother's past. But my dad ruined everything!" She burst into sudden tears.

"Wait," said Andema, "Arthur's your dad?" The girl nodded.

"Then who's your mum?" said Andema, trying to figure it out.

"Trillian," said the girl.

"Is it Clap Wr… What! Trillian!" Andema thought this over. It didn't make any sense.

"Wait again," she said, "You were in the other ship that was trying to destroy us?"

"I'm not a murderer," wept the girl, "I didn't think anyone was on the ship."

"Of course you aren't, dear," said Andema, patting the girl on the shoulder. The girl shrugged her away.

"'m fine," she muttered. Andema took this time to think about an Arthur/Trillian relationship. It still didn't make sense.

In another part of the ship, which looked like a lush, Amazonian jungle, Clap Writer was hunting down Arthur Dent, armed with a blowgun because she felt it was appropriate.

Arthur was very frightened. He didn't think he'd be able to hear her coming. He knew she could probably hear him, crashing through the brush. He ran forward then pressed himself against a tree, trying not to move. He wished he'd never pressed that button.

Clap was very angry. Arthur had no right to destroy her heroic rescue plan. She had been ready to grab the controls and engage in a death dance with the other ship, a dance in which that ship would surely die. Besides, she had equipped the ship with guns and she wanted to try them out. It had taken careful planning and a lot of stolen money, but she had managed to learn how to install guns. Then, she had simply installed the several plasma cannons hidden on her person.

Arthur tried wildly to climb a tree, and failed. He peeked around the side of the tree, saw Clap, gasped, and began to run. Glancing to the side, he saw a sign that said "Aurther".

"What does that mean?" Arthur thought briefly. A poison dart whistled past his ear. Arthur screamed and dove into a bush.

Somewhere else on the ship, it was snowing. Ford looked down at himself.

"Damnit," he squawked, "I'm a penguin again!"

"Well this is just awful," said Zaphod, "I'm in the middle of some desert with some girl who apparently doesn't like me."

"I don't not like you," said Malea, "I'm just not physically attracted to you."

"Yeah," said Zaphod bitterly, "That. And I'm also pretty sure this desert is filled with lions."

"Isn't that a savannah?" said Malea.

There was an answering roar.

"Oh."

"This is one hell of a mrogpit. What's next, piranhas that swim through the air?"

"Well…yes, actually."

"Zark!"

Trillian took a sip of the alcohol that was being tentatively offered to her by the bartender.

"Thanks, this is good." The bartender grinned anxiously and began to scrub away at the counter. Actually, this place wasn't that bad. She was actually glad that Arthur had pressed that button. Although, she intended to tell him that the Improbability Drive wasn't the solution for everything.

Something nuzzled up under the hand that wasn't holding the liquor. Trillian looked down, and was only mildly surprised to see a wallaby. After all, the bartender was a chimpanzee.

"Eoo," said the bartender, patting her arm.

"Yes, thank you, I'm fine." The bartender mimed something.

"Am I what? Sitting? Sitting on a pillow? Comfortable? Oh! Yes, thank you. I've never been on a more comfortable, er, padded stump." It was rather crudely made, as was the bar. Which made sense because the whole thing was in a jungle clearing. The wallaby hopped up into Trillian's lap.

"Don't you live in Australia?" mused Trillian. The chimp gestured.

"Yes? Well, I suppose this is all generated by the improbability field, so this is surprisingly understandable."

"Ook, eoop, oo?"

"Yes please."

"Ow!" shouted Zaphod, "I'm being eaten alive!"

"You are not," said Malea.

"Ow! Yes! They're biting me!"

"Oh. So they are. Well at least you have a lot of limbs for them to go through."

"Agh!" Zaphod flailed wildly with his arms, then curled up on the sand.

"Well she's no help," one of his heads said.

"No," said the other one, wincing, "What do you think I should do?"

"Let's run," said the first one, "Unless I have a handy laser gun." The second head glanced back.

"No. I'll have to run." Zaphod bounded to his feet and began to run. The piranhas streamed after him. Malea ran, and managed to catch up. She was holding something behind her back.

"What IS that?" yelled Zaphod, "Some kinda weapon?"

"No, actually, it's your banjo." She handed it to Zaphod.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" screamed Zaphod angrily.

"Play it."

"And what will that do?"

"Make this scene a whole lot funnier."

"Zarquon, I hate you!" shouted Zaphod, starting to play some fast chase music. They ran across the sloping, yellow desert, a solid line of piranhas snapping behind them. The fast-paced chase music did, indeed, make the scene funnier.

"And then there was the childcare," said the girl morosely, "There's no limit to the amount of times I met myself there."

"What was that like?" asked Andema.

"Dull."

"Oh… By the way, my name's Andema. What's yours?"

"Random. My mom couldn't even take the time to give me a real name. We have a hate/hate relationship. I don't know. I think she's a sadist."

"No, Random, I'm sure your mother loves you."

"Then why'd she abandon me with Arthur on that nowhere planet?"

"Maybe it was because she knew you'd be cared for there, and Arthur would have more time for you," said Andema, desperately grasping at straws.

"Yeah, well, I guess my dad was sort of nice," muttered Random, "At least he didn't abandon me. But he resented me just as much as everyone in the galaxy!" Her voice rose into a scream, then faded into loud sobs. Andema placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, while trying to figure out if Arthur and Trillian had ever done anything before that signified sexual attraction. She drew a total blank.

Arthur convulsed.

"Anti…ghhh…" The poison slowly worked its way along his body from the dart in his back. Clap, a long way away, leaned thoughtfully against a tree.

"You know, in retrospect, I probably shouldn't have used a poison that froze the vocal cords."

"Ghh…" said Arthur.

"And froze the muscles." Arthur tried to struggle and failed quite miserably.

"Now come, be reasonable," said Clap reasonably, "I'm feeling much better now. But really, how do you expect me to give you the antidote if you won't tell me where you are?" Arthur tried to whimper, and failed.

"Well, this is a nice bar, but I really should be going," said Trillian. The bartender looked sad. Trillian sighed.

"Do you happen to know the way out?" The bartender grinned. He clambered over the bar, grasped Trillian's hand, and began to toddle off, pulling her after him. Trillian resisted the compelling urge to pat the chimp on the head. Instead, she followed, the wallaby wobbling precariously on her shoulder.

Ford twisted his neck around to look for his satchel. It was still hanging at his side. He attempted to open it with his flippers then gave up and used his beak. The satchel was full of fish. Ford winced, a difficult feat for a penguin, then gave in to instinct and began to eat the fish.

"Um, so, how do we get out of here?" said Random, more politely than she had been yet.

"I…" said Andema, "Ford says you're supposed to walk through the door."

"Yeah?" said Random, "Maybe this room has a SoDL on it. I'll test it out." She checked her watch, scowled, and closed her eyes.

"A Soddle?" said Andema.

"Shh," said Random. She opened her eyes and looked around.

"Hey, there's the door."

"What?" said Andema. She spun around.

"There is no door!" Random plugged her ears.

"Yes there is! Shutupshutupshutup."

"All right…" said Andema. Random walked up to the wall, and walked through. She walked back in.

"Okay, you've been nice to me, I guess, so I'll tell you. There is a door. I just walked through it."

"But…" said Andema.

"Shh!" said Random, "Look, there is definitely a door here. Close your eyes and I'll lead you through it." Andema closed her eyes and Random yanked her forward.

"Right. We're out now, okay?" Andema opened her eyes. She was standing on one of a series of very green, rolling hills. She turned around. Through an open doorway, she could see the white room. Something seemed familiar.

"Ohhh," said Andema, "By Soddle, you meant SoDL, a Suspension of Disbelief Lock."

"Yeah," said Random, "I learned about those way long ago."

"Are you sure you want to go here," said Andema, "Everything improbable can happen."

"Fine with me," said random, "Anything is better than that dump."

"I thought it was rather clean," said Andema. They each took one step, slipped, and began to slide around the hills at a very high speed. It made a sound like this: FOOM!

Why it made that sound was inexplicable.

"I'm exhausted," said Zaphod, "I'm not going to play this banjo anymore."

"Yes you are," said Malea viciously, "And you are going to like it."

"No, I'm not."

"Fine." Zaphod tossed the banjo over his shoulder. With a pop, it disappeared.

"Ow!" said Clap as a banjo fell on her head. She fell sideways into a bush, and spotted Arthur.

"Oh, hello Arthur. How are you feeling?"

"Dead?" thought Arthur. His eyes were wide.

"I suppose I'd better give you that antidote, then." She slowly began to rummage through her vest pockets.

"Ow," thought Arthur.

Trillian followed the ape through the jungle. The baby wallaby had transferred itself to her other shoulder, and was still struggling to stay up. The forest became darker.

"Are you sure we're getting OUT?" said Trillian. The bartender turned to her and gave her a hurt look.

"Oh, all right," said Trillian, feeling guilty. The trees latched together overhead. Soon, it was so dark that Trillian couldn't see a thing. She held her arm out in front of her so that she wouldn't bump into anything, then promptly bumped her head on a ceiling, and ducked down.

"Ook," said the chimp, and gently pulled her through a hole. Trillian closed her eyes against the sudden light. When she opened them again, she was in a very clean, modern kitchen.

"Oh," she said, "This is nice…"

"I like that the fish aren't biting me," said Malea.

"I don't," said Zaphod. His clothes were in tatters and he was bleeding a lot. Malea could hardly breath from trying not to laugh.

"You have a stupid sense of humour," said Zaphod, "Oh ZARK. Here they come again." Zaphod began to run, Malea panting behind.

"Where are all the oasis's?" said Malea.

"No, u r, " said Zaphod, too tired to think of an applicable insult. Malea was stunned into silence by the inarguability of the insult.

"There?" said Malea quietly after a while.

"What's there?" said Zaphod, "Oh, an oasis."

Malea began to sing Wonderwall quietly before breaking into a coughing fit. Her throat was very dry. Both gasping, they reached the oasis. Zaphod dove into the water. The water became all bloody and gross.

"Okay, NOW I don't like you," croaked Malea.

"There," said Clap, "Now, isn't that better?" Arthur screamed.

"Yes," he said, after a while.

"Oh," said Clap, "I guess you needed to get that out of your system. Because the poison prevented you from screaming."

"Not exactly," said Arthur.

"What was it, then?" said Clap.

"It was because of how you gave me the antidote," said Arthur squeamishly.

"It wasn't that bad," said Clap.

"You jabbed a needle into my eye and injected something that felt like acid."

"Many's the time I've had to give myself an antidote in the exact same way."

"What? That's disgusting! Why couldn't you just inject it into your arm?" Clap fixed him with a stare.

"But where," she said, "would be the fun in that?"

Andema tried to dig her boots into the ground. They made no contact. She narrowly missed a collision with Random. Random, surprisingly, was smiling.

"This is fun," she said, "Not as fun as a Zrano, but still."

"A Zrano?"

"Yeah. Geez, Andema, what'd you do? Spend your entire life in a different place and time?"

"Well actually," began Andema.

"Thought so," said Random smugly.

"Long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away…"

"Zark! I don't want your life story!"

"Well, you asked," said Andema, sounding slightly hurt, "How do you stop this ride?"

"Why do you expect me to know?"

"Because if it doesn't stop soon, I'm going to throw up."

"Hey baby, the water's great," said Zaphod, "Come on in."

"That sentence is wrong in so many ways," said Malea.

"Oh yeah?" said Zaphod, "Name one."

"Firstly," said Malea, "You called me baby. DON'T call me baby. Secondly, the water is not great, it's filled with loads of blood and other crap. I wouldn't get in that if you paid me. Well, actually, I would, but you would have to pay me a lot. Thirdly, 'Come on in' is improper grammar. You can't put two thingies beside each other."

"Two whats?"

"I don't know what they're called but you…just…CAN'T."

"I bet you're making that up."

"Not!" Zaphod climbed out of the disgusting water.

"So, we should get going now, right?"

Malea punched his arm.

"Yes. But I get the next oasis."

"You punch like a girl," said Zaphod, avoiding the question.

"I am a girl, you buffoon!" said Malea, "And that's a sexist statement."

"Hey, it's true," said Zaphod lightly.

"Clap's a girl. And Clap is kickass."

"She's an exception."

"So is Andema."

"Another exception."

"So? You want me to tell your girlfriend that you think all girls are weak?"

"Go ahead, baby. I don't care."

Malea growled and began to speed forward with clenched fists. Zaphod decided to let her go first.

If she had looked back, Malea would have been very annoyed to see the oasis purifying itself. But she wouldn't have been angry unless she managed to look at it and not look at it at the same time, which would be improbable enough to hurt her brain. So, in all, it was pretty lucky that she didn't. Instead, she looked forward, and incidentally fell into a really deep hole, which just goes to show you that you can't tempt fate. Or that Snorblats Croom makes a pretty good banana crumble. Neither one makes sense, and both were what went through the mind of Malea as she fell.

Zaphod though: This looks like a whole buncha fun.

Then he jumped in after.

"Yes, thank you, this kitchen is lovely," said Trillian. The chimp grinned and opened the fridge. He began to take things out. Trillian watched as he romped from the fridge to the cupboards. He indicated something.

"What, pan…bread, no…cakes? Do I want pancakes? Well, that would be very nice, thank you." The baby wallaby bounced to her lap, as she sat down. She needed the seat.

Andema and Random swirled into a hole and downwards.

"Ow!" they cried as they collided with Zaphod and Malea.

"Hi," they all said in several different ways.

"So, Andema," said Zaphod, "Who's this new chick?"

"I'm not a chick," said Random, "My name is Random." Malea pulled Andema over to the side so they could talk about their plans for taking over the Heart of Gold.

"That's a lifty name," said Zaphod.

"Yeah?" said Random, "Thanks."

"You're a pretty cool girl, you," said Zaphod.

"And you're the ex-President of the Galaxy," said Random, "You're totally so cool."

"Yeah, I know," said Zaphod, "You're really great too." With a SPRIM, Arthur and Clap appeared.

"I knew that Aurther sign had relevance," said Clap. Arthur stood up and gaped.

"What? Random? H…hello?" Random spun around.

"Hi…" she said awkwardly. Zaphod raised an eyebrow on one head. The other head was still checking out Random.

"Hey, Random-baby, tell me how you know this totally unhoopy guy?" Random opened her mouth, then closed it again.

"I…"

"So, how's your watch?" said Arthur loudly, feeling like he needed to start a conversation.

"Oh, it's fine," said Random, "Still…good. How are…the sandwiches?" Zaphod was now staring openly at both Random and Arthur, a look of confusion on his faces.

"No, seriously, how do you know him?"

"The sandwiches are…good," said Arthur. Clap got bored and went away.

"Tell me NOW!" said Zaphod.

"She's my, um…" said Arthur.

"He's, um…" said Random.

"…daughter," said Arthur.

"I've never met him in my life," said Random at the same time.

"Whaaat?" said Zaphod, "Random, is this true?"

"Er…yes," said Random, "He's my dad."

"Whaaaaat?" said Zaphod, "I was trying to verify the 'never met him' comment because the other is…just too…ridiculous!" Trillian crawled in through a convenient hole.

"Hi Random," she said.

"GGRRROSSSS," said Zaphod, "I was coming on to Monkey-Man's daughter?"

"She's my daughter too," said Trillian.

"WHAAAAT?" said Zaphod.

"You're both ruining my life," said Random sulkily.

"No," said Andema, coming back from her conference, "They're not. Random, Zaphod is your mother's boyfriend."

"Why does life hate me?" screamed Random, and ran off to sulk by a wall, hugging her knees against her chest.

"When did that happen?" said Zaphod.

"Well, I wanted to have a child…" began Trillian. Somewhere off to the side, Clap was explaining what had happened.

"So I thought, maybe the ship just doesn't know how to spell Arthur. So we went back to the sign…"

"Isn't the ship super-intelligent?" said Malea. Clap made a sound of annoyance.

"Maybe it made a typo. But anyhow…"

"…and then I told Arthur he needed to take some responsibility and I left Random with him."

"Thank STAN," said Zaphod, "I thought that I was losing my touch if you were leaving me for him."

"Well thank you very much," gibbered Arthur. Trillian decided not to point out that she had left Zaphod before when he was being a jerk.

"That's a little backwards, isn't it?" said Andema thoughtfully.

"What is?" said Trillian.

"Well," said Andema, "You abandoned your child, after dumping her in child care for almost her entire life, and then you told Arthur that he needed to take some responsibility." By this time, both Clap and Malea were watching.

"Well, he did," said Trillian, "It was his child too." Andema put her hands on her hips.

"No, she's not his child. By genetics, maybe, but nothing else. YOU made the decision to have a child."

"Be reasonable," said Trillian.

"I am!" said Andema, "And you know what? You are a horrible mother." She glared at Trillian, then walked over to Random.

"So, how do we get out of this hole?" said Zaphod.

"Activate the weird sound generator!" cried Malea, pumping her fist into the air.

"Vomit!" shouted Andema.

"Vomit?"

"Vomit," said Andema firmly.

"That's not a weird sound," said Malea.

"BIWSOSSACA!" went the weird sound generator. Everyone was beamed up to the control deck. Including Ford, who was no longer a penguin, but was twisted very awkwardly to the side, his head in his satchel.

"Great!" said Ford, sounding muffled, "I'm Betelguesian again! But I may have eaten my towel…" He unwound himself.

"Andema!" he said happily, and kissed her. Random scowled.

"I think he's been trying to find an excuse to do that for the last six stories," said Arthur.

"No fair!" said Zaphod, "I wanted the first onscreen kiss!" He kissed Trillian.

Clap, apparently thinking very hard about something, left the room. Arthur looked around. Ford and Andema were still kissing and Zaphod…looked as if he was trying to start something else with Trillian.

"Ew," said Random, "Get a room!" She crawled off to be alone. This left Malea and Arthur. Malea was grinning.

"Don't look at me!" said Arthur.

"I wasn't," said Malea.

"You weren…oh…well, er, I, good then," said Arthur, slightly let-down. Malea sat down on the floor and began to read. Arthur glanced at Zaphod and Trillian, quickly glanced away again, and left, in search of tea.

Clap, somewhere else, was still thinking very hard. Finally, she took something out of her pocket, and looked at it. Coming to a decision, she threw it over her shoulder.

It exploded.

THE END

Hooray! Today's my birthday! I'm 16!

On a more angry and ranting note, I'd like to draw attention to a review I got for chapter sixteen, ironically. It reads as follows.

menoslashy
2005-08-20
ch 16, anon:

Slash,again? EW!

Cav't anybody write anything WITHOUT having Arthur and Ford being romantically/sexually involved with eachother?
Does no one enjoy HET anymore?

Now, I may not be that smart…actually, scratch that. Did this person even READ the story.

Tell me, my readers, did you think Chapter 16 was ROOTING for slashers? Actually, I don't think Ford/Arthur is possible at all. That was the Whole Point of the chapter.

Seriously, guys, you have to tell me: Did you think I was being serious?

Ah well. So, now I'm going to blabber on about this chapter. My God, it took me so very long to write.

First thing you need to know, this was written WAY before the movie, before I even knew it was coming out. So, no, the Random bits are not taking a stab at the interesting Arthur/Trillian relationship that happened in the movie. I just can't figure it out, is all.

Also, "Aurther" is quite possibly the funniest misspelling of Arthur that I have ever seen. Ever.

Malea is much less crazy in this one than she is in all the others. A bit of an accident on my part. She also used to be kickass as well, but I decided that no matter how different from my original self I became, I still wouldn't ever be kickass. So there you go.

Hope you noticed, I made a big effort to cut down on Ford's airtime, and beef up the Trillian and Zaphod airtime. Especially Trillian. Although, I do think I rather borrowed the bartender from the Librarian in Discworld. Ah well. Sorry, Terry.

Also, I really like the TV show version Zaphod, mostly because he actually CAN talk to himself.

Zaphod having a banjo is sort of copied from Penny/Graham Chapman's stories. Sorry Penny.

And Clap scares the hell out of me. Only time it's ever happened with one of my own characters.

Oh, and don't get me wrong, I think Zaphod's a pretty lifty guy. I just don't think we'd ever get along well in real life. And Arthur doesn't LIKE Malea, he's just feeling left-out. And he'd like for someone to notice him.

Even if they're crazy like Malea.

Also, Andema's rant belongs to me. Man, Trillian really annoyed me in Mostly Harmless. That's mainly why I can't see an Arthur/Trillian relationship.

And Andema's obsession with vomit? It's from real life. Marion is obsessed with Farscape, and Farscape is apparently obsessed with vomit. I wouldn't know. I've never watched it.

Jimmy the Gothic Egg: Oh he will. And Clap will be glad to know that she's kind of cool. And thank you for the reassurances.

Saith Rayse: Surprising…Especially as Zaphod only told one joke! ;) Ah well. Good to know.

BeatlesLover: By not really…sleeping, and things. Lunch is a crazy time. And the Zaphod fic? Yeah…after I finish up typing the remaining…12 or so stories, I might.

Fellowship of the Band Geeks: I shall.

menoslashy: I believe I've already yelled at you.

DemonDancer13: Maybe I should try to get in the Guinness book of World Records.

Trillian4210: Thanks.

Nine of Swords: Ha! Your abdominals will have to suffer!

Lily Knotwise: Malea was the only one laughing because you weren't there, OBVIOUSLY. Oh yeah? Well, you're deader than I am. And…eh. Never mind.

nasamuffin: You know what? That makes a lot more sense. And now that entry isn't quite so… anonymous. Thank you. And, no worries, already got a plan in mind. For your story. Oh, and if I remembered what Sweet Cuppin' Cakes was, I might know if it actually was in the story. It's…from Homestar Runner, right?

The next story will probably be shorter, if only for the sake of my poor fingers. I'll have to cut bits, yeah?