I apologise in advance. Really, I do. If you are one to be easily offended by mild slurs against religion (ie. Iput God in as a character) then I'm sorry. Skip this one. Stop reading now.

If not, then read on.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Zaphod Has Difficulty Blaspheming

One day, Zaphod was making fun of Jesus. He wasn't doing a very good job because first thing, he kept calling him Gebus, and second thing, he knew nothing about Christianity anyway.

"Haha, Gebus. You're totally uncool," he said, "And so is this God guy you probably hang out with. Maybe. All you Earth-guys are SOOO dumb."

"That's sort of blasphemous and probably not a good idea," said Arthur, "If God does exist, he's going to smite you."

"Like I care," said Zaphod, "I can withstand any kind of weak smiting from this Gebus-guy."

"No, it would be God doing the smiting," said Arthur, "And it's Jesus."

"Yeah, whatever," said Zaphod, "Gebus! You're such a hippy dude."

"Jesus. And aren't you one too?"

"Sure, but Gebus—"

"Jesus "

"—actually cares."

"I give up," said Arthur, and left. Zaphod laughed raucously and tried to think of some other insults. He was really very bored.

"Hello," said Paz, "I have no idea who you are, but I suppose I'll help you insult higher powers. It's almost my job."

"I don't need any help," said Zaphod, "I never need help with anything."

"I won't help you, then," said Paz, "I'll just also insult."

"I said I don't need help."

"I'm NOT."

"I'm going to ignore you," Zaphod warned him.

"Hey Jesus, your Bible is stupid and you smell like fresh yams," said Paz. Zaphod was rather impressed but he didn't want to say so.

"Yeah, Gebus," said Zaphod, "You sound like a gassy infection."

"What does that even mean?" said Arthur who had come back because he couldn't help it. Both of the others ignored him.

"Hey, are we insulting someone?" said Ford, walking in, "Who is it?"

"Gebus," said Zaphod.

"Isn't that supposed to be Jesus?" said Ford.

"No," said Zaphod.

"Yes," said Arthur.

"All right, then," said Ford.

"You haven't cleaned your ears for several days," said Paz, "I bet you can't even play the clarinet."

"This guy is good," said Zaphod to Ford.

"At what?"

"I can't believe you're doing this," said Arthur. He was ignored some more.

"Well, I can't," he muttered awkwardly.

"That's enough for today," said Paz, "Beam me up, Darko." Nothing happened.

"Darko?" said Paz. Darko walked into the room, muttered something about something technological, turned on a flashlight, turned it off, and pulled Paz out of the room.

"He was only here for a short time," said Zaphod, "But I shall remember his teachings." Jesus walked into the room.

"Yeah, I don't appreciate those insults," he said.

"Why not?" said Ford skeptically.

"Actually, that's a good question…" said Jesus, "They weren't really that good. Oh well. God's going to smite you now, I guess."

"I told you guys," said Arthur, and ran away. God appeared.

"This Is Rather Embarrassing," He said, "I've Lost My Smiting Equipment. You'll Have To Live With It." He shrugged, walked up to Zaphod, and PUNCHED HIM IN THE GUT!

"Ow," said Zaphod. Ford waited a bit, then seeing that no-one else was going to say it, said, "Oh no! Not another gut full of fist!"

God and Zaphod looked at him,

"I Don't Get It," said God.

"Neither do I," said Zaphod, "You wanna go out for a drink?"

"Yeah, alright," said God. They went to have a drink. Ford came too because he thought it would be a good opportunity to get drunk.

Arthur came back, noticed that they were gone, and felt a little bad because everyone was dead.

So he made himself a cup of tea.

THE END

I have never been more nervous posting anything. Not for the one with sex in it, not for the one with cannibalism and not even for the other religion one. THIS is the doozy. Er, I'm sorry if I've offended anyone but this is just what I like to do. Make fun of things. And seeing as I'm agnostic-verging-on-atheism, religion, (namely the Christian one because that's what my family sort of is) is just an available target. Actually, THIS is the reason updating has taken so long. I'm so paranoid that I copied out all of my reviews because I didn't want to lose them.

That said, Paz is a guy at my school who wrote a brilliant soap-opera called The First Family which concerns the life issues of God, Mary, and Jesus. I think it's safe to say that it's WAAAAY more blasphemous than this is.

Thanks a LOT, Paz, for inspiring me. Jeez. Trying to get me banned off this site or something?

If one was trying to find the fanart of Ford doing strange things with a towel, one might search for Ford Prefect or Hitchhiker's Guide in Google Image. Just sayin'. Also, I don't hate French, I just think the Canadian school system for teaching it is shoddy.

I think if you managed to divide by zero, the universe would actually explode.

Incidentally, I've read all five books each at least four times.

And the first one twice that.

Is that perusing? I'm not sure.