TO LIVE FOR
There were weeks after the incident before Ranma finally started acting like he was alive again. There were months, before he started to train the art. And there were years before he begun to resemble the person he once was again. He was never the same, though. He couldn't be.
With time, the cocky and arrogant boy he once was, disappeared without leaving a trace. He was crushed by a series of events that didn't let him go on, that forced him to grow up.
The sudden death of the ones you love usually does that to a person. It leaves you cold, and small, and helpless… It takes away your childhood in seconds. And that's how Ranma, suddenly knew what losing meant. And he felt lost and weak and empty for the first time in his life. Death made him.
And it wasn't the kind of death that comes drawn between the lines of danger. It was not the kind of death we can run away from or even fight off. You see, enemies, and potions and spells; there's always a solution waiting to be found with them. Something Ranma knew he could do if he fought hard enough.
But then, when there are no solutions, when you can't fight against the enemy… when you don't even know what the enemy is. Death is unbeatable.
She was sick for months... The doctors could never tell what happened. Suddenly, Akane just started to fade away. The strength that had always been a trait of her, vanished. And it was hastily replaced by a constant weakness.
Yes, Ranma fought. He reached the end of the world looking for a cure. It was his duty to protect her. He needed to do it. He couldn't stand still and let her die just because he didn't know how to stop it. But time passed… leaving him behind without him even noticing.
"Come back home Ranma."
Akane asked during a long distance phone call. Her voice was small, sheltered in a plea. But Akane didn't plead and Ranma knew it. She claimed, she demanded.
Ranma didn't go back home then.
He found out it was too late soon after that. He called again from China, cheered up by rumours of a possible cure at the Himalayas. It wasn't much, but it was hope.
And Kasumi told him.
"Ranma… come back home."
And before he could argue she finished with a hollow voice. "Akane died."
Everything was a void since then. He was left alone, he was defeated. No more fights, no more insults, no more dumb tomboy and no more kitchen experiments… and no more thank you's… and no more smiles that made his insides churn… no more Akane.
Just… no more.
And he didn't even tell her.
They never told.
The love, the caring, the secrets and the furtive stares… they were all eaten by silence… by regrets.
So yes… there were many years after, before he could talk with someone the same way he did back in the time when he had three fiancées chasing him around, when Akane was alive… when he was invincible.
But there's always someone patient enough. And Ukyo waited, and stayed even when he told her to leave. She stayed, always. And that's why Ranma thought he could learn to lover her.
You see, love comes in very different packages… One of them is that unconditional care that grows with time, with company… with habit. But that feeling that welds to our souls when someone loves us too much; that feeling doesn't match that other one. The one that burst in our hearts filling us with warmness. No, it doesn't match that sudden love, the one that is not earned because it just IS. Not that love that's given without explanation. The one love you call true…
And even when we know it… when we feel it… when something inside us tells us relentlessly that is not enough to be loved that way. That there's more out there and it's waiting for us… even when we want to run… we stay.
We stay because of that doubt. Because of that nagging feeling telling us that maybe we will end up alone if we leave. Because of that fear of wasting something that could be perfect but is not.
So Ranma loved her, thinking that maybe what he had to give was enough. And Ukyo was happy… fooling herself into thinking that he was what she always wanted, what she always needed.
We are fragile beings, you know. Our will breaks easily. She knew, deep inside with all certainty, that he didn't love her… We get tired of leftovers, of illusions. We yearn for more. When we don't get it, either we run or we die.
That love, the one we made up in our heads, fades away sooner or later. And when it does it leaves us empty… living of nothing, with air in our souls; always dreaming with that other love. The one that just was, and will be forever.
A love to live for.
The End
To Live For
(Para Vivir)
By Silvio Rodriguez
I told you many times we should think about it before doing it.
That this thing we had was lacking passion and excitement too.
That it wasn't enough that you understood me and that you could die for me.
That it wasn't enough that you were my refuge every time I felt I lost.
And now you see what happened… it's finally here.
This terrible weariness you feel because of me.
And we now it's sad but you have to see it anyway.
Truth is I just waited for time to end it all.
If it hadn't happened I would have keep playing the part of making you happy.
And I know tears feel bitter, but think about the years you still have left to live.
Think that my pain is not less than yours…
and the worst part it's I can't bring myself to feel a thing.
So now we have to strive to rise above the lost time.
This wasted time that now leaves us crushed
and without the chance to get to know that thing they call
A love to live for…