A History of Romance

Year 4: A Black Valentine

James pouted as Sirius led him into their dormitory and sat on the bed in front of him. He asked, annoyed, "What was so important you dragged me away from Lily just when I was bagging her!"

Sirius frowned. "She looked just about to slap you. Anyway, I need your help! I'm desperate!"

James sat next to him and crossed his arms. "Okay, spill."

Sirius ran a hand through his hair twice before speaking again. "Well, you know, Valentine's Day is coming and I … I want to, you know, send someone a Valentine and … oh, you know the whole romantic, mushy procedure."

James nodded, knowingly. "You want to send your fair lady a Valentine so utterly romantic it will instantly seduce him, so that when you ask him to be yours-" James flung himself dramatically onto Sirius' lap and finished with, "-it'll be Moony in your lap instead of me."

Sirius' eyes narrowed. "You always have to assume it's Moony! Why Moony? The world does not revolve around Moony!"

"I understand that," Remus said as he walked into the dormitory. He glanced at James on Sirius' lap and frowned. "But have you seen my History notes? It's the only copy of the information we've got, seeing as how you two sleep the hour away."

"Oh, hi, Moony," Sirius said, shoved James off him, and ran a hand through his hair nervously. "We weren't talking about you, well, we were, but you know-- it wasn't bad or anything-"

"Why, Moony, I am offended!" James interrupted before Sirius made an utter fool of himself. "Sirius and I, we come up with the best schemes in History class!"

"Schemes of what? Throwing Dung Bombs into poor Snape's cauldron?" Remus asked and sifted through the various papers in his book bag.

"That, my dear Moony, was a stroke of brilliance!" James said, a dignified air about him.

"Well, then, use that stroke of brilliance to find my notes. You think Peter ate them, again?"

"You know him," James said and shook his head sadly. "The fellow will eat anything he can cram in that impossibly large mouth of his."

Remus sighed and looked at Sirius. "You haven't seen them, right, Sirius?"

Sirius' cheeks turned red. "What, me? Your notes? No, no … not at all. Um-"

"Well, then, I'll see if Peter's got them," Remus said and left the room as quickly as he'd come in.

James snickered. "Well, if that isn't enough proof, I don't know what is."

"What are you talking about!" Sirius asked, defensively.

James lied down on Sirius' bed. "What just happened with you and Moony is what happens with me and Lily all the time. You've fallen, Sirius. You've totally fallen hard!"

Sirius glared at him and James laughed. "Well, Sirius, was I right or was I right? You want to send Moony a Valentine."

"Yes, well, he gets so few. Last year he only got two! One was from a Hufflepuff girl who ended up going out with Peter, and the other was a black heart!"

"Moony thought it was classy," James observed.

"Dude, the thing was written with unicorn blood! What kind of psycho would write a Valentine with blood!"

"No!" James sighed and said, "Moony likes things to be original and different. That's why he wouldn't go out with the Hufflepuff. She just bought him a card and stuck a rose on it; a total Moony-turn-off."

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "And she was ugly. The point is, according to your logic, if I slit my wrists and write: "I love Moony" in every wall in the Great Hall, he'll fall for me?"

Sirius had meant this to be humorous, but instead of laughing, James' mouth dropped open.

Sirius panicked and started babbling. "James, James are you okay? What, I should do that! What if I die! Maybe he'll think that's romantic, but isn't it a little overboard? Filch won't be pleased."

James giggled madly suddenly. "You're in love! You love Moony!"

Sirius' cheeks turned red again. "I just said that to make a joke! I didn't really-"

"No, you LOVE Moony!" James taunted. "You can't help falling in love with Moony!"

"Hey! Isn't that from a song by Elvis?"

"Shall you stay, would it be a sin, Sirius? 'Cause you can't help falling in love with Moony!" James sang and Sirius was sure his best friend had lost any trace of insanity he originally had.

"James, you have to help me!"

"Sing a line and I'll help you," James commanded.

"Fine! Wise men say only fools rush in, but I can't help falling in love with you," Sirius said quickly.

"Who?" James asked, teasingly.

"Falling in love with Moony!" yelled Sirius and James rolled around the bed laughing.

"I'm this close to pushing you off, James!" Sirius announced, annoyed and proceeded to do just that.

When James had stood up and sat back on the bed, he found Sirius laying facedown, his head under a pillow, long, black hair sprawled around it.

"Lost the will to live, already?" James asked and leaned against one of the bedposts.

"Love's too hard," Sirius mumbled from under the pillow.

"And you've only just begun … to live," James stopped singing before Sirius got annoyed and pushed him off the bed, again.

"Okay, you'll send him a Valentine. Good start. We'll see what happens from there, shall we?"

Sirius threw the pillow off. "You think so?"

James nodded. "Only you have to be original. Remember that and go all out."

Sirius grinned. "I already have a plan!"

"I'll be there every step of the way," James promised.

However, his thoughts were different. 'And I'll be there to watch every stupid thing you do … and laugh. And give you more stupid advice until you figure it out. After all, what kind of best friend would I be if I didn't totally mislead you as you attempt to make someone else fall in love with you.'

James snickered inwardly and wondered what crazy thing Sirius would do this time.

February 14th Great Hall

"Flowers for the most beautiful flower of all!" James declared as he handed Lily a huge bouquet of roses.

Lily gasped. "James, for me? This is so sweet and completely unlike you!"

James smiled, pleased. "I can give you a card with my autograph on it, you know, so you can tell your friends the flowers are from me and you're not making it up."

Lily's face fell. "I knew it. You're just another big-headed jock!"

She handed the bouquet back to him. "Thanks, but no thanks."

James looked at her, hurt. "If you won't go out with me… please, at least keep the flowers."

Lily looked at his big, pleading hazel eyes. "Fine! But leave me alone!"

She snatched the flowers back and marched away, long, red hair tossed carelessly over her shoulder."

James walked back to the breakfast tables and sat next to Sirius. "Wow … what a woman!"

The Valentines had started coming in; Sirius already had a large pile in front of him, James' pile was not nearly as impressive as Sirius,' and Peter had two, but it was Remus who didn't have a single card.

"You did remember to tell Hermes it was to be delivered today? You know my owl can sometimes forget things," James whispered to Sirius who just nodded.

Remus didn't seem to mind, not really. He went about his business the usual way, doing the same thing he did every morning. That is, until a large brown school owl dropped a black heart onto his scrambled eggs. Remus picked it up and read it immediately.

"Is it written in blood?" Peter asked.

Remus nodded and read it aloud. " 'Good-bye,' said you, 'forget me.' 'I will, no fear,' said I. Oh, I know this! This is by Jackson; I love his stuff. Last year it was the first part of the poem. To put the world between us, we parted stiff and dry. Oh, this is clever. I do wonder who …"

Sirius frowned. "Some idiot who kills unicorns for a living, duh."

While Remus pondered the mystery of the black hearts, Hermes flew over him and dropped a large package on his head.

Remus looked up. "Ow! Hey, is that Hermes?"

James thought fast and threw one of his chocolates into Sirius' cereal, splashing the unsuspecting boy with milk and Cocoa Puffs.

"Look, it landed in your cereal! What a clumsy owl, that Hermes! That's right, you caught me! I send Sirius Valentines, too! Happy Valentine's Day, Sirius!" James said loudly, trying with all his might not to laugh at milk and Cocoa Puff-covered Sirius.

But, Sirius was too busy watching Remus tear the parchment wrappings away from the large package to care. Remus gasped as the new Beatles' record was revealed.

"How did-? Who-?" Remus looked flabbergasted. "Oh, god, I've been looking for this everywhere! It has "I Want to Hold Your Hand" on it! I positively love that song! And, oh, look chocolate bars!"

Remus looked happier than at Christmas, when Sirius had given him a new Chudley Cannons sweater and a box of Sugar Quills, and not even James chucking snowballs at him for being a traitor to the Falmouth Falcons could dampen his spirits.

James looked over at Sirius, proudly. He'd found a way to completely surprise Remus and be original, too.

"You bugger," James chimed in. "I've been trying to find that record everywhere! Whoever got this sure has the hots for you!"

"Now's your chance to tell him it was you," James muttered as Remus turned pink.

Sirius shook his head. "I want him to figure it out. He's smart, he'll do it."

James grinned. "Whatever you say man."

'And there's his fault … but I'm not one to interfere, no, of course not.'

Remus looked at Sirius. "Isn't this great! I wonder how she knew I have record player that's magic, though."

Sirius paled and James' spoon clattered to the ground.

"W-what makes you think it's a girl?" James spluttered.

Remus frowned. "Well, because … you don't think it was a guy, do you?"

Sirius stood up, abruptly, knocking his chair over. "I've got to go. Don't want to be late for class."

Remus blinked and said, "But, Sirius, we've still got a half-hour. What's wrong? You've got lots of chocolates here."

Sirius kept walking away, his hair over his face.

"Sirius, if you want, I'll trade you my record! Go on, if it'll make you feel better!" Remus tried desperately, but that only seemed to make Sirius walk away faster.

James stood up. "I'll go see what's got his panties in a bunch."

"I'll come too," Remus said and stood up.

"No!" James shot Peter a meaningful glance. "Peter wants … help with the History homework, again. Right, Pete?"

Peter nodded. "Right, yeah. Help! I have no idea what the homework was."

Remus sat back down, annoyed. "But, I explained it just last night."

James ran in the direction Sirius had gone and found the boy sitting on the steps in the Entrance Hall with his face in his hands. James sighed and walked over to sit next to him.

"Sirius? What're you moping around for? He loved the record! By the way, where'd you get it! I've been hounding it for months!"

Sirius looked up at him pitifully. "I had some bloke named Mundungus find it for me. It wasn't cheap, either and a fat lot of good it's doing!"

James sighed, exasperatedly. "What are you talking about? It's going great!"

"He was happy because of that stupid poem written in blood! And who the hell is "Jackson," eh!"

James shrugged. "Beats me. The only bloke named Jackson I know is that one that sings Thriller."

Sirius put his face in his hands, again. "And he was so willing to trade it away."

"Yes, to make you happy! Sirius, just tell him it's you. It'll save us all your moping around like an idiot."

Sirius looked up again, looking worried. "He thinks it's from a girl! I'll just disappoint him!"

'What you need is a good dose of confidence!' James thought quickly.

"You know, I have just what you need. There's a spell I know, a love spell, mind you. You do this one for a week and whoever it is will fall madly in love with you by the end of the seventh day."

"Really?" Sirius asked, hopefully.

"Yeah," James said, not very sure of his idea now that he'd seen Sirius' large, gray eyes shining with hope.

"Well, what's the spell!" Sirius asked, impatiently and James was forced to take a quill out and scribble some words on chocolate wrapper Sirius had in his pocket.

"But, save it for emergencies," James warned.

"Yeah, yeah," Sirius waved him off, looking happier, now.

James watched him walk back to the breakfast table, feeling lower than gum stuck to a person's shoe for what he'd just done.

A week later, Sirius sat in the back of the library, pretending to read A History of Garden Gnomes and Their Magical Properties, but was really looking for Remus. He'd been doing the spell; saying the chant and doing the little dance as James had instructed. So far, there had been no change in Remus that allowed Sirius to even think the boy would ever fall for him.

He withdrew the wrapper from inside his pocket and smoothed it out.

'Is there something I'm doing wrong? Damn … this love stuff is hard.'

"Oh, hello, Sirius," a voice behind Sirius said, and he whipped around to see Remus, carrying a small pile of books, and smiling.

Sirius was amazed he could keep himself from melting into a pile of drool, much less talk to him; but, that's what he did.

"Hey! Remus, where have you been?" he asked, and ran a hand through his hair.

"Common room with James and Pete, of course. We were trying to figure out where you were. Cheerful reading by the way."

Sirius sighed exasperatedly. "James could have said something ... In any case, Moony, did you have any plans for tonight?"

Remus shook his head and shifted the books to one side. "Not really, why?"

"We could take a walk, or do homework, or play chess, or something."

Remus smiled. "Okay, sure. We'll do something tonight; I know you're restless and tonight is Friday, so I'm okay with Marauding."

Sirius blinked. "Marauding? Oh, pranking? Actually, I meant-"

"Hey, I like that song, too!" Remus said suddenly, pulling the wrapper with the "love spell" written on it.

Sirius blushed and stuttered, searching for an excuse. "Well, see, James told me- wait, what? What song!"

"Witch Doctor, of course! It's utterly silly, but I can't help but like it. I don't feel so bad about it, now."

Sirius looked at him, incredulously. "What song?"

"You have the lyrics written here. Ooh-"e"-ooh-ah-ah, ting-tang, walla-walla-bing-bang."

Sirius' cheeks reddened with anger. "It's a song! That bloody, utter, complete IDIOT! But I'm twice the idiot for believing him! How could I ever- argh!"

Remus watched, amused, as Sirius stormed out of the library, fuming with anger.

"James Potter, you're dead!" was Sirius greeting to James in their dormitory.

James sat up and put away the picture of Lily he'd badgered Shacklebolt into taking for him.

"What now, Sirius?" he asked, amused.

"It's a SONG! Ooh-"e"-ooh-ah-ah, ting-tang, walla-walla-bing-bang! Remus just saw your stupid "love spell" and told me it's a song! JAMES! How could you!"

James burst out laughing. "It was worth it, seeing you hop on one foot while turning in a circle at midnight. I can't believe you believed me! Do you not listen to any Muggle music!"

"I can't believe you lied to me!" Sirius yelled. "And I do listen to some Muggle music … the Beatles, Elvis, and that sort of stuff."

James grinned at him. "C'mon, it was a good prank! Give me that."

Sirius nodded, fairly. "It was good, yeah."

"Forgive me?"

Sirius sighed. "Only if you're the only one who researches the whole Animagus thing."

James rolled his eyes. "I've been the only one researching the Animagus thing! What difference will it make!"

"Promise."

"Fine, yes. I promise I'll do the grunt work."

Remus walked in, arms laden with thick books. "What grunt work?"

Sirius jumped up to help Remus. "Nothing, nothing at all. You know James; he babbles. What about that walk?"

Remus smiled. "Alright, then. But it's cold so we'd best take our coats and scarves, and such."

Sirius nodded and scrambled about to get ready as quick as possible. Once outside, the cold air biting at the exposed skin of their faces, they headed for the Quidditch Pitch.

They sat on the benches in silence, looking up at the sky.

"That's Orion," Sirius said, breaking the silence.

"Is it really? What about that bright star next to it? Is it …?"

"Sirius, yes. And that, those stars there, are Canis Major," Sirius said, pointing up at the sky.

"Yes, I see now," Remus said and they leaned back, onto the metal bar of the next row of bleachers. But, Remus miscalculated where Sirius would lie and ended up much closer to the boy than he would have thought. They lied there for a long time, their heads touching, shoulder to shoulder, Sirius' hair sprawled on Remus' neck, until Sirius spoke again.

"My middle name, you know, is Orion-- like my father," he said lamely.

"Is it?" Remus asked, interested. "Mine is John, like my father."

"Cool."

Another stretch of silence followed and as these types of silences made Sirius uncomfortable and increasingly nervous, he blurted out, "I sent you the Valentine."

Remus turned his head to look at his friend. "What?"

"The Valentine. You were wondering who it was from. Well, it was me," Sirius explained, trying and failing to keep his cheeks from turning red.

"Oh, really? Wow … Sirius. Thanks. Where'd you find the unicorn blood?"

Sirius' face fell and he swallowed hard. How easy it would have been to spin a tale of how he'd found a wounded unicorn in the Forbidden Forest and borrowed its blood, with permission, of course. But, no, Sirius could not lie to Remus, not when they were lying side by side like this. "Not that one; the other one."

Remus' eyes widened. "Oh, the Beatles record! Really! That was you?"

Sirius nodded, ashamed.

"Awesome! Thank you! That was the best Valentine in the world! You're a great friend, Sirius," Remus smiled and sat up. "Getting cold isn't it? Want to go back inside?"

Sirius nodded. "Go on ahead, I'll catch up."

"You sure?" Remus asked, uncertain.

"Yeah! You owe me a game of Chess!" Sirius said, winked, and plastered a fake grin on his face until Remus was out of sight.

Then, he fell apart.

"SHIT!" he yelled to no one. "I'm stuck in the friend zone! I totally blew it! I'm such a fool!"

He stood up and kicked one of the bleacher rows, hard. Hard enough to make tears spring into his eyes from the pain, and have to bite his lip to keep them away.

"I don't deserve Moony … I'm too stupid."

Little did he know, walking up the stairs in the Entrance Hall, Remus felt the same way.

'Idiot! Bloody idiot! Great friend? That was the best I could think of, great friend! Argh! If he tried anything, he won't again, be sure of it, Remus! You just scared off the hottest guy in Hogwarts!'

Remus slumped down to sit on a step. "But who am I kidding?" he whispered softly. "He probably was just being a great friend. He likes girls, and anyway, who in their right mind would go for me? I'm just a skinny, ugly, scarred nerd!"

Nonetheless, in the common room, both boys were all smiles as they directed their Chess pieces against each other, and only James knew the truth that they would both soon figure out.

'But for now,' James thought. 'I'll let them suffer a bit … it amuses me.'

A/N: Getting interested, innit? Getting … more dramatic? Reviews will be rewarded with quick updates … I hope. I warn you, they might take a while! Anywho, please review! "wink and a smile"