The title is stolen from JKR from later in the book because ITS OWL SEASON AND THAT MEANSSS everyone is thinking about the future. This chapter is straight fluff and slice of life, I'm sorry to those you aren't into that, but Penny needs some down time to re-adjust to Hogwarts and remember what happiness and nice things feel like. I also just have a great love for life at Hogwarts and wish I was there, so I write these things for myself lol. I'm just SO MEAN TO HER ALL THE TIME. So now I want to be kind :(
Also, so this is definitely on the sappier side for me, not that I feel like this fic every actually gets sappy, BUT if you are curious, the cause is a song I was listening to called "On My Love" by We The Kings. Listening to it just made me think a lot about what has occurred to pull Snape and Penny together, and what still has yet to happen. I just feel, at his essence, Snape is always trying to care for Penny and ensure her life is a happy one. So I got all choked up and this happened.
Penny could have kissed Hermione, who made some murtlap essence for her to soak her raw hands in. Her lips pressed together in disapproval, she submerged Penny's hand and then began massaging them for her. The sensation was awful and wonderful at the same time. Penny winced several times, Hermione pulling away, but Penny assured her it was helping.
"Are you sure we shouldn't tell McGonagall, this seems extreme, even for Snape," Hermione finally said.
"Absolutely not. I won't give him the satisfaction of knowing I complained."
"You sound like, Harry," Hermione said, shaking her head in exasperation before returning to her transfiguration book.
"Speaking of the devil, where is Harry?" Penny asked, glancing around the emptying common room.
"He rushed off with Ron earlier, neither wanted to start on their homework with me," Hermione answered, sounding irritated.
"Did he say how his detention went with that hag?"
"Only that she made him do lines. Oh shoot, look at the time, we should probably head to charms, but I didn't even make it through the first chapter. Do you think our OWLs are going to be as hard as everyone says?"
Penny nodded, packing her bag with Hermione. "By the look of the obscene amount of homework they've already assigned us, even if the OWLs aren't hard, this year is going to be a giant headache."
Unfortunately for Penny, her prediction turned out to be true, the teachers apparently having formed an unspoken agreement to make their first week back at Hogwarts the most miserable yet. Even Professor Flitwick assigned them more homework than ever before and, like all the other teachers, he lectured them about taking their OWLs seriously and to begin considering their careers.
It was a topic Penny had not thought much about; what would she would do after Hogwarts? For whatever reason, she just assumed she'd never leave, the idea seemed absurd. Hogwarts was her home and held everything she loved. But in reality, the wizarding world was huge and she'd only seen a small part of it. What worried her most though was the fact she did not know what she wanted to do nor what interested her.
Life had changed too much in the last six months, and a part of Penny worried about what the next six months would look like. While they all sat safe in school, under the protection of Dumbledore, a war was ensuing, Voldemort gathering his forces and the Ministry refusing to do anything to prepare anyone. It was an unsettling thought, imagining what the world would be when she finally graduated.
By the time they reached transfiguration, Penny was already drowning in her worry, and ignored McGonagall's spiel completely. Glancing at Harry, she realized he, for once, had listened and looked as worried about the future as Penny, though she felt he had considerably more reasons to be worried, seeing as Voldemort would stop at nothing to kill them.
Professor McGonagall started them on vanishing spells, which pulled Penny from her turmoil. Her wand felt awkward in her hand while she tried hard to get it to perform the magic she wanted. She'd been practicing only relying on her wand since Imposter-Moody had lectured her about doing so. Although, he was not the only reason. Some part of Penny had decided that using her expression would only strengthen Tom, and so she'd developed a fear of reaching for it, though at times, she did so without realizing.
The predicament proved problematic, because her wand skills were abysmally worse than her expression, and if she had any hope of achieving an OWL she'd either need a miracle, to use her expression, or to stop avoiding the giant problem named Tom. She still hadn't mentioned it to anyone, and in all honesty, because of events, forgot all about the problem. During the summer, she was accustomed to not using or thinking about magic, but now she had to make a decision, a decision which gave her an obscene amount of anxiety.
Between OWLs, her curse, Umbridge, Tom, and now thestrals Penny had more stress than she knew what to do with. After her third attempt to vanish her mouse failed, she plopped her head on the table and released a frustrated sigh. She really did not like being bad at things.
"Miss Potter, is something the matter?" Professor McGonagalls severe voice said from above her.
"Yes, I'm going to fail my OWLs," she said, not moving.
"Don't be ridiculous, you are one of the most talented witches to ever come through my classroom," McGonagall replied, her voice comically harsh for a compliment.
Penny straightened up, acutely aware of how the rest of the class was watching their exchange, murmuring amongst themselves. She felt Harry's prod in her mind, an attempt to cheer her up, but she ignored it, and ploughed forward, releasing her worry, though why to Professor McGonagall, she did not know. She wasn't exactly the kind and maternal type, but that wasn't what Penny wanted. She wanted the truth, the facts of her situation and a realistic picture of what she could achieve.
"And without talent, Professor, what do I have then?" Penny pressed.
Her Professor considered her for a moment, her mouth a sharp line. She re-positioned her spectacles and said "The determination to put in the work required to achieve what you want. When one does not have talent, they practice."
With that, she left Penny to her thoughts and scolded Seamus and Dean, who were trying to get their mice to fight each other. Deciding trying was a better option than giving up, Penny returned to practicing, though she made little progress. By the time the bell rang, Hermione was the only one to succeed, which made Penny feel a bit better.
The rest of the day was a drag, Harry arguing with Malfoy during Care of Magical Creatures, which was taught by Professor Grubbly-Plank because Hagrid was still absent. It was strange and she knew Harry cared a lot about Hagrid and worried, so she did her best to support him, but Penny did not have any emotional energy left for it as a dull ache was developing in her temple, and her apathy setting in.
The rest of the day was chaos, seeing as Oliver Wood had graduated, leaving the Gryffindor Quidditch team in search of a new Keeper, and apparently most people thought the position should go to Penny. While she did not mind being Keeper and she'd played the position many times, it was not her favorite, but Angelina Johnson seemed to think her talent was the best hope the team had and all but demanded Penny go to tryouts on Friday. Penny gave her non-committal answer, knowing full well she had no intention of playing.
She did not imagine Snape would let her, seeing as Quidditch was not a kind sport, and he'd likely make up some excuse about her curse, but she also had no desire to play either. This also included her own Quidditch club, which she handed organizing over to a younger student, making the excuse that she needed the extra time to focus on OWLs. Thankfully with Drama club, Fred and George already co-managed with her, and seemed to understand Penny was not quite ready to return, but they were kind enough to ask her about it before embarking.
After spending the afternoon in the library searching for any sign of 'equivalent exchange' Penny made her way to the Dungeons, feeling rather annoyed because her search brought her no leads. A part of Penny felt she'd heard it mentioned at Hogwarts before, but could not remember by whom. Her memory recently was not very reliable, and she found her foggy brain often struggled to have the energy to sift through the information stored within it.
Snape's office door was open, and she found him inside, quietly looking into the fireplace. Lost in thought, Penny made for the seat at his desk, completely oblivious when he sat across from her, his fingers interlocked as he watched her.
"Sir, what did you do after Hogwarts?" she asked when her eyes finally focused on him.
His eyes narrowed, and his features quickly became unamused.
"Oh right, I forgot," she said, realizing what she'd asked. "Is that what you always wanted to do?" she added, in a tentative voice, slightly afraid it would set him off.
He turned away from her, his slender fingers fidgeting before her.
"No," he said, a harshness in his voice that told Penny that he did want her to press the subject.
"And now, what is it you want?" she pressed, leaning forward onto her elbows, feeling morbidly curious about the experience that led the potions master down the past he'd gone.
"What we want , Ms. Potter, matters little. Life will make demands regardless, and all desires do is make one dissatisfied."
"That's not helpful at all. How am I supposed to make a decision if I don't even know what I want?" Penny complained.
"Ms. Potter, you are 15, your life is hardly difficult enough to warrant such melodrama. I imagine your most pressing decisions consist of whether to eat the shepherds pie or the treacle tart first. So do try to adopt some perspective and perhaps consider enjoying the ease in which you live," he said with an exaggerated eye roll.
"You don't think I think about it?" Penny said, a sharp pain prodding her chest.
"About what?" he drawled, looking exasperated.
"About what happens if he realizes whose side you're actually on."
The words lingered between them, Snape's snarky features shifting subtly as he stared at the place just above her ear, clearly pushed into thought by them. Penny examined the form before her, he was tall and thin, his black hair framing his face nicely like it always did. She couldn't help but linger on the soft black hair Penny had once felt between her fingers, a feeling that left a lingering torment in her chest. She feared the possibility that she would not always be able to walk to the Dungeons and find him looking back at her, so she soaked in every feature, hungrily. "Because I do all the time," she added after a moment's silence.
"You waste your energy. People die everyday, Ms. Potter, most going about their completely mundane activities. Existential crises offer little in the way of productive thought. All that lives must also die, no one escapes."
"Except Voldemort," Penny pointed out.
"At a price," Snape replied, his brow arched when he returned to her face.
"Everything we want comes at a price, does it not?"
"Yes, but how steep the price is variable," said Snape, his long white finger trailing the length of his lips.
"So, what's your price then?" Penny said, pushing her luck, willing her Professor not to throw her out.
"I am forced to endure the completely unoriginal thought of teenagers, daily," he said, cooly, a smirk playing at the corners of his lips. "You waste your breath, Potter. I have yet to be swayed by sentimentalities. What use is there in wondering what death is? If I do not come back, you will do as you have always done, keep moving ." His words felt more like a command than a statement, his eyes boring into her, demanding she accept them. But she refused, she did not like that thought and refused to entertain it.
"I would expect no other answer from one such as yourself," Penny sighed, rubbing her aching temple. "But I do wonder, Professor, if your ability to accept and face death everyday does not demand that you fear living instead," Penny pondered out loud.
"What is that supposed to mean?" he said, his voice suddenly quiet.
"That when one is alone the ease with which you pay that price is misleading."
Snape was on his feet and facing the dim fireplace again before Penny could gauge his response to her statement. His posture stiff, he crossed his arms, silently watching the pathetic flames within. It was at moments like these that Penny wished she was an accomplished Legilimens like him, that she could search him and find the answers with as much ease as he did.
But even then, Penny knew even with that skill, Snape was still probably a better Occlumens. She considered how he lied regularly to Voldemort, the most powerful wizard and she wondered what it took to do it, what he sacrificed for such skill, and what he regretted losing.
Everything in Penny wanted to tell the man that he did not have to be alone to do it, that there could be more for him, but she knew such words would only be met with scorn, so she kept them to herself, deciding to instead follow him to the fireplace. She knelt down beside him, picking up a small stick and began doodling in the ash, Snape's pristine shoes shining beside her.
Though she knew he would never accept her words, he did accept her company, which she felt was a woefully insufficient way to thank him for all he'd done for her.
"You are making a mess, Ms. Potter," his voice cut in, as he knelt down to take the stick from her hand.
"No, I'm teaching. This is your first lesson on living," Penny said, turning to meet the dark pools watching her. "Life is messy and if we spend all our time trying to clean it up, we miss what really matters," she smiled, looking pointedly down at the spot where she'd doodled.
His narrowed eyes followed her gaze, focusing on the words she'd scrawled into the soot. He lingered over them for a moment, his grip visibly tightening on the stick in his hand. Then he turned back to her, his expression confused, trapped somewhere between the firmness of purpose and abject helplessness. She expected some weird outburst, but he surprised her by reaching out for her face, stopping just short, his brows furrowing. His eyes trailed away from her own gaze, the dark pupils contracting and widening as he searched her features, then his hand made its decision and took a lock of her hair. He ran his fingers through it several times, watching it intently as he did so.
Penny held her breath, the sad, apathetic feelings that had been overwhelming her seeming to melt away with each stroke of his fingers. Everything around Penny was confusing and she felt like she was on a constant search for something that was hers. But in this moment she could not help but wonder what she was searching for, when everything that made sense in her life, that made her passionate, excited and hopeful about the future was right here, in the dark eyes and pale features that always tried so hard to keep her at a distance.
She understood, watching Snape, why leaving Hogwarts felt so wrong. She already knew that Hogwarts was home, but now she understood it was because this angry and snarky man before her had made it her home by showing her all the things she'd only ever imagined. For someone who was so okay with there being no tomorrow for himself, he worked awfully hard to ensure Penny not only got a tomorrow, but that she enjoyed it too.
Penny's eyes were closed, though she was not sure when they had done so. But she held them tightly closed, afraid if Snape realized she was watching him, he would make her leave like he normally did. But this time, he did not, and the two of them remained for several minutes, the only noise to be heard, his slow breathing and the crackling of the fire.
"I have thought about it and found doing so futile. Accepting that reality is the cost of this ," he said, lingering over the last word, his eyes boring into hers when they snapped open. He willed her to ascertain its meaning, to understand what it was he was telling her. Yet, his meaning wasn't made clear by his eyes, but the change in feelings that were coming from him, the ones he never seemed to notice he shared with her. For all his words, Penny felt keenly that Snape did want to live. But, some reason unknown to Penny kept him where he was and he did not intend to change. But intermingled with that was something else, he had not resigned himself; he wanted something more from life.
Though his words were few, they carried much more-a promise. He wanted her to trust that he would not die so carelessly, that the thought of leaving her alone was as unacceptable to him as her. This-the strange way in which their lives had intertwined themselves had changed him as much as her. The only response Penny could make was for her mouth to open wordlessly, her eyes wide as she tried to catch every fragment of his thoughts as they splashed past her. Though she made no response, he seemed to accept her silence as agreement and let go of her hair, getting to his feet.
Penny wanted to grab his hand, to pull him back and demand to know why things had to be this way, but she knew that would be childish and only make things harder. Snape had already accepted the disturbance Penny was in his life, so why couldn't she do the same for him? Resigning herself, she watched him cross to his store cupboard, Penny glancing down one last time at the words she'd written before sitting herself on the edge of his desk where he met her with the several potions and salves she needed for her curse.
He administered them in silence, not meeting her gaze. He examined her abdomen, his cold hands scalding her warm flesh as he pressed against her organs, trying to ascertain their health. When he was satisfied, he sat her back up and pressed two fingers against her neck to take her pulse. To her irritation, his dark eyes moved lazily to look at her when her overactive heart beat annoyingly in her chest.
She purposefully avoided his gaze, refusing to let him ascertain why it was elevated. She did not feel like explaining the particulars of their connection at the moment. Normally, he checked her pulse first, which was fine because the electricity that spiraled from his fingers did not have the time to reach her heart in the short time it took. But today she'd spent several minutes with his electrically charged hands on her skin, and the result was unbridled energy coursing through every inch of her. To Penny, it somewhat reminded her of an instant hit of caffeine, except it was like every cell within her body was suddenly filled with his energy. All her drowsy apathy was gone, to be replaced with an excess of life. The physical manifestation of this being her heart thumping her in her chest like she'd just run a marathon.
In many ways he was like the charger to her battery and Penny rather liked the exchange, but she could hardly say it to the man, who she was certain would twist it into something weird. So, she kept her lips tightly closed and he asked her no questions.
"We're finished," said Snape, collecting the jars and making for his store cupboard.
With renewed determination, Penny followed after him.
"Sir," she said, stepping just inside.
Snape turned, looking down his hooked nose on her. "What is it now, Ms. Potter? I do have other things I wish to do with my evening," he said.
"It's just, well we were told to start thinking about what we want to do after Hogwarts, and. . .I guess, well I don't know what I'd want to do, I was wondering-"
"I would have thought it obvious, Potter," he cut in, taking a step toward her. "Your other Professors never shut up about your talents ," he said, trying hard to repress a sneer, the 'James nerve' throbbing in his temple as he considered her, causing him to pause. "If you wish to be a teacher, you must remain at Hogwarts and apprentice, by the end of which, enough time should have passed for an opening to come available," Snape said, looking as though each word required a great deal of effort to get out without his usual vindictive tone.
"A teacher? You really think I could become a teacher?" Penny said, the breath catching in her chest.
He took several more slow steps forward until he was just beside her, and for a moment Penny was certain he would push past her, but he paused, peering down on her. "I think, Ms. Potter, to work at Hogwarts is what you want to do. If by some happy miracle, I am wrong, feel free to prove it to me," he said softly, before actually pushing past her. "Now goodnight, Potter."
Penny all but skipped the entire way back to the Gryffindor common room. Why had she not thought of it before? If she worked at Hogwarts, she would never have to leave, never have to say goodbye to the joys of learning, of expanding her mind. The thought of continuing her training with the most brilliant minds, of having the chance to pass the knowledge onto other students; it filled Penny with a sense of purpose. Nothing else made sense to her, because some nine to five job wasn't what she was passionate about.
It'd never occurred to her that at some point, Hogwarts would need new teachers. For some reason she'd assumed her teachers were just permanent fixtures, but of course some day they would want to retire. When she reached her common room, she found her books and double-downed on her study, filled with the intent to make certain her professors believed her dedicated and capable enough.
Realizing Harry had another detention, she started a rough draft of his moonstone essay for him, knowing he would not get to it and hoping to ease his suffering. When she prodded his mind, she found him unusually standoffish, as though hiding something from her. Deciding not to press the issue, she let him know about the essay, which he gave his profuse thanks for, before demanding to know if she was going to be trying out for keeper.
Making the excuse she needed to do her own essay, Penny evaded the question, not at all desiring another overzealous speech about how the Gryffindor team needed her. All she wanted to do was share the revelation Snape had given her with someone, but she did not know with whom, or how. After some time, she realized what she was wanting was a parent to share the rush of emotions with, but she did not have those. She wondered what they would say, if Lily and James had dreams for their children or if they'd be happy for her. She knew James was a troublemaker, but he also seemed to do well at school, which made her think he would not be opposed to the idea.
Lily on the other hand, what would she say if Penny told her what Severus Snape had said? Would their conversation have included how the two knew each other? Penny would never know, much like she suspected Snape would never tell her in what manner he knew Lily, so she was simply left to her speculations. It wasn't until she was climbing the stairs to her dormitory that she realized that she may not have parents, but she did have a godparent .
Taking the rest of the stairs three at a time, she rummaged through her trunk and pulled out the chess set Tonks had given her while she was trapped in the Department of Mysteries. Tonks had retrieved the board that was paired with Penny's and brought it back to her when they'd visited her at Hogwarts, and Penny had decided to ask Sirius to take the other one so the two of them could work out the best ways to send messages on it, seeing as Sirius was quite good at puzzles, and the symbols on the board proved a challenge she hoped would keep him occupied once his house was empty. She pulled out the list she and Sirius had written denoting their agreed meanings of the engraved symbols.
She considered it for sometime before taking the queen and setting her on the scales. The queen was the most mobile piece on the board, signifying the decision maker, so Penny placed her on the scales to represent the consideration of something important. Then she set the bishop, which religiously is associated with counsel on the half-moon spectacles, which in a superficial manner represented Dumbledore, but upon further thought could be study, or even professorship, the title Dumbledore held. Lastly, Penny placed the pawn, the lowly piece that could be thought of as a student or herself on the dove. This choice felt like a stretch, seeing as the dove more represented a promise, but Penny abstractly wanted this promise to be interpreted as 'future', but whether it made sense to Sirius would remain to be seen.
Satisfied, Penny placed it on her bedside table and then snuggled into her covers, her fingers playing with the strand of hair Snape had held only a couple hours prior, lost in thought about the possibilities that awaited her, and the reality of what accepting Snape's words meant. While the man was essential to her, she could not avoid thinking about what the loss of him would mean, and how continuing to care about him had the possibility of ending in a kind of pain Penny would not know how to navigate without him. It made Penny wonder if she was more afraid of living without Snape, or knowing what living with him felt like.