Hi friends!
I hope life has been treating you well! I must admit between being on break and Christmas I lost all sense of time! Couldn't tell you what day of the week it is anymore lol...just that I go back to classes in a week :(:( With cases high again, itll be online again for a bit though, so I'm not that amused.
Im sorry for the delay in updating. During the semester my school lends me a laptop to use, but I had to return it for the break so I'm using this broken old laptop and omg its so painful to use to write. The space bar sticks so im either smashing it all the time or just not actually putting spaces and then my 'b' and 'n' sometimes just put two n's or b's so I have to always check. Its just so tedious, I can't even explain the ungodly amount of time it took to write this. BUT its here, so ENJOY!
This chapter contains all the fluff, and gives a special emphasis to the Penny Sirius relationship. So far in the fic, Sirius has been mostly represented in a negative light, which mostly spawns from Penny's insecurities and her nearness to my bbe Snape. I hope this chapter clears up any doubts about Sirius's character !
Obviously, this is a Snape-centric fiction, but this is one of the VERY few chapters in this fic that doesn't contain SNAPE. IT'S SO STRANGE. I'm curious if anyone has any thoughts? Love it?Hate it? Alright in small doses? I'm always curious which elements of this story my readers prefer! For myself, the Snape/ Penny dynamic is pretty central, but there are some other main players, so if you think anyone else should get more time, let me know!
Wishing you all a happy and healthy, week? weekend? month? Whatever it is lol.
"You look like shit, kid," Sirius said when she and Lupin entered the dim kitchen of Grimmauld Place before crossing the distance between them to pull her into a tight embrace, his prickly face kissing her cheek."Pour us a firewhisky, Remus," he said, turning to Lupin.
"Sirius-"
"Save the lecture, Moony, I know for a fact you drank at her age."
"Yes, but you seem to forget that all the liquor we acquired was also stolen , and considering what she's just been through, I don't think it's a good idea."
"What's happened now?" Sirius said, following Lupin to the table and dragging Penny behind him by her wrist.
"Nothing," Lupin said, avoiding Sirius' gaze as he scratched his five o'clock.
Penny shifted uncomfortably as Sirius' gaze turned to her, trying to determine if Lupin was lying.
"It was that snake, wasn't it?' he growled.
With a heavy sigh, Lupin flicked his wand, sending three glasses and the firewhisky zooming toward him. "Is it alright if I tell him what I walked in on, Penny?" Lupin asked, filling three glasses and passing her the notably smaller one when she seated herself beside him.
"Yeah," she said, avoiding Sirius' gaze and taking a swig of the firewhisky and finishing it in one go.
"Atta girl!" Sirius barked in approval, loud laughter following. Pulling the whisky toward him, he poured her a second.
"Honestly Sirius, I just picked her up from the Hospital Wing," Lupin said, disapprovingly
He ignored Lupin and slapped Penny on the back, who choked on her firewhisky.
"I'm fine!" she insisted when she finally managed to breath again and met the full force of Lupin's paternal scorn.
With a sigh, he passed her a basket of rolls and turned to Sirius. "It'll be no surprise to you, but Severus had his old grievances with James on full display when I arrived. He was having it out with Harry over. . ." he trailed off glancing at Penny.
"That prick. 'Suppose he fancies himself her caretaker after the summer. I told Dumbledore his interest was never about her."
"Well, he made it perfectly clear he believes you are ill suited to the task."
"I'm her Godfather! What makes him think he gets a say in anything, " Sirius said loudly, slamming his glass onto the table.
"He told the pair of them that you are incapable of loving Penny because she looks like Lily." Lupin's voice was quiet, pained almost, he reached for Penny's fidgeting hand as he said it, giving it a tight squeeze. She looked at him, finding those warm eyes searching her, a reservation behind them, a reservation she knew was her fault. It hurt, realizing her inability to trust Lupin and just tell him what she felt had led to that sadness. Even still, he'd come yet again, in her moment of need, holding her up when she did not think she had the strength to stand. She couldn't look away from those eyes because they filled her with such comfort, dulling the ache Snape left in her chest, making everything she'd previously thought feel so childishly foolish.
She understood now, how precious life was, how important Lupin was to her and she resolved to ensure he knew it; except a loud crash interrupted their moment and sent Penny springing from her chair, heart racing, searching wildly for what her nerves was sure was about to attack her. She found Sirius standing over the chair he'd just kicked over.
"I'm going down there. He thinks those walls are protecting him, if he didn't he wouldn't have dared-"Sirius raged, turning toward the door.
"Sirius!" Lupin said in an oddly commanding voice, following after him and grabbing him by both arms and wrestling with him. "You know full well that will accomplish nothing."
"It'll accomplish me giving that slimy git a broken nose among many other things he deserves. Get off me, Moony, you know I can't let him pull this shit anymore," Sirius said as he fought against Lupin, but Lupin had the upper hand and he was making very little progress.
"I understand, Padfoot, I really do, but landing yourself in a cell in Azkaban just for some instant gratification won't help Penny!"
"Is that what you think this is? That this is about me?"Sirius said, wrenching himself free of Lupin to turn on him.
Penny was transfixed watching the pair of them, noting how regret flitted across Lupin's face as he took an involuntary step away from Sirius who looked furious, his handsome features blazing. "What do I have to do Moony, to prove myself worthy of these kids to you? Why do you refuse to accept James' choice?"
"That's not true, and it's unfair of you to say it. You're being rash, you know you are. Do you even know what you're hoping to accomplish?" Lupin retorted after he'd regained his composure.
"You know the power he has over her! She's FIFTEEN, Remus! Do you remember what it was like at that age? And he's whispering lies into her ear, twisting reality! If there were even a chance she believed him-No, my trash family never showed up for me, left me to wonder, but not Penny, even a cell in Azkaban can't stop me from making sure she knows- there isn't anything more important to me than her and Harry,"Sirius bellowed. "Blood be damned, they're my kids, Remus, it's my job to give them the life they deserve."
Surprising Penny, who fully expected Lupin to yell right back at Sirius, Lupin bridged the distance between them and pulled Sirius into a strong embrace, squeezing him close like he often did Penny. "And you do it very well, but you don't have to do it alone. I am sorry I came off as criticizing you, I just wanted you to understand there is more than one way to help her," Lupin said, nodding towards Penny.
Sirius looked at Penny as though just seeing her for the first time. Running his hand through his long shaggy hair, he made his way to her. Filled with a mixture of feelings, the biggest being guilt for being the cause of their quarreling, Penny shifted uncomfortably on the spot, but Sirius did not seem to notice and scooped her up, setting her on the countertop like one might do a toddler. Smiling down at her, he rumpled her hair. "I never thought much of family, you can probably understand why after being here," he said, gesturing to all of Grimmauld Place. "So when I say your dad was my best mate, it's akin to saying he was like my brother, if I'd ever had a brother worth caring about. When he died. . .I thought I had nothing left, nothing to live for. But that year-you two changed it all for me, Pen," Sirius said, taking a hold of her chin and tilting it upward so she couldn't avoid his gaze a moment longer. "Whatever that slimy bastard said is a lie, kid. Because when I look at you I am reminded how much I needed this second chance, how much I need you. "
"I need you too, Sirius. It's just hard sometimes."
"What is?"
"People always leave. . ." she replied, her eyes looking past Sirius and seeing again that long black cloak billowing away from her. "Sometimes I think it's easier to be alone than to endure that again."
"I'm not going-"
"Don't say that just to say it. You don't know, none of us do. He's back, no one is safe anymore!"
"All the more reason to hang onto those we love,"Sirius said, giving Penny an almost pitying look. "Voldemort wants us to push each other away, it makes everything easier for him."
"It's not that simple!" Penny said, flinching violently at the mention of his name. "I think about them everyday, my parents and I never even knew them. I don't have a single memory of them, don't know the sound of their voices, but it has never not hurt. But you-I don't have to imagine you, I know you. I couldn't do it-if either of you-that's why, it was always easier to believe I didn't matter because I can't do it Sirius, I can't lose another parent."
"That same mentality kept me in a cell in Azkaban for 13 years. That's not living, Pen, better to risk it all and to let yourself feel it all than to cover your eyes."
"I'm not like Harry, I'm not brave, Sirius!" Penny yelled, feeling suddenly angry.
She pushed her Godfather, sending him stumbling and leapt to her feet, her chest heaving.
"Yeah? Did you forget what it means to wear that crest? While the bravest and boldest went to daring Gryffindor, " Sirius challenged, looking pointedly at the red and gold lion emblazoned on her school robes.
"Well the hat made a mistake!"
"Sirius, maybe-" Lupin interjected.
"Stay out of this, Remus," Sirius said, his voice low and husky. It appeared to get the point across because Lupin did not protest. "Being brave doesn't mean you're never afraid," Sirius said, taking a step toward Penny.
"No,It means doing something even when afraid. But I didn't Sirius-you don't understand. Harry, he always manages, he helps people. But that's not me, I feel like all I do is cause pain," Penny went on, wanting desperately for Sirius to understand.
"You saved me Azkaban and endless days of misery, how exactly isn't that helping someone?" Sirius demanded, throwing his hands into the air in frustration. "I don't know why you think you need to be like Harry, but you really don't, kid. Being you is enough."
"No it's not! I should have been more!" Penny said, angrily, her hands balling into fists. "I watched him-that snake-it ate him, right in front of me. I can still hear his screaming," Penny said, forcing herself to speak through the emotions that were caught in her throat.
"There was nothing you could do,"Sirius said, his face suddenly stony.
"I know! But when I was watching him, he was begging me to help him, and I felt so irrationally angry, Sirius, angry that he would do that. The truth is, all I could think about was how I wanted to run, to get as far away from there as I could. Not a single one of my thoughts were about how to help him, I just wanted to save myself!" Penny said, her jaw clenched and several tears splattering the floor.
Sirius advanced on her, both his hands clenching her shoulders, and he shook her. "Listen, and listen good. Get those absurd ideas about heroism out of your head. If you are ever in such danger again, you run and you don't look back, do you hear me? I don't care if it's Lupin, Snape or me the Dark Lord has, it's not your job to do that, and if you ever, even for a moment let that kind of stupid thought in, remind yourself I will never forgive you for putting yourself in harms way, especially for the likes of me."
"But-" Penny said, barely audible because of her attempts to stem the tide of tears.
"We're going to make a pact, right now. A blood pact, so you don't have to waste your energy wondering," he said, his hands moving to collect both her trembling ones in his strong ones.
"A-are you sure?"
"'Course. But mind you, it's magically binding for both of us, you understand what that means?"
Penny nodded, she remembered vaguely reading of them in her first year, but the finer details were fuzzy. They were similar to an unbreakable vow, but the consequence of breaking a vow was death, and Penny recalled the blood pact being different in nature. The blood pact was more of an agreement between two parties rather than a task to be fulfilled like an unbreakable vow. This would link Penny and Sirius to the promises they would make to each other, allowing magic to ensure they keep them.
Sirius pulled his wand from his pocket and quickly slashed his left palm and gestured for Penny to extend hers.
"I promise, Pen, that should anything ever happen to me that I will do everything in my power to get back to you, but if I should find that it is my time, I will not move on without finding you first," Sirius said, his voice full of strength and conviction.
Penny reached her shaking left hand and grasped his. "I promise, Sirius, I'll always trust and believe in your judgement and capability and never needlessly put myself in harm's way."
A tingling warmth emanated from Penny's hand, her and Sirius untangling their fingers, opening their palms. The cut had closed over, all that was left, two droplets of their blood rising into the air, twirling about each other as though locked in a dance. When they reached eye level, they crashed into one another, glowing red before their shape began to change. A moment later, a small, rose-colored vial whose outside was covered in an intricate weave of silver appeared, landing in Sirius' hand.
He considered it a moment before looking back at her, a crooked grin on his handsome features.
"I'll hold onto this for safe keeping," he said, wrapping her in a one armed hug.
"Okay," Penny said, her heart feeling much lighter than it had all day.
"Why don't you go take a warm bath, Penny, while Sirius and I fix you something to eat?" Lupin suggested, his tone soft, but his eyes fixed on Sirius, who looked warily back at his partner.
Feeling it was better not to get in the middle of what was about to ensue between the pair, Penny gladly took her invitation for escape and made for the bathroom she'd shared with Ginny and Hermione over the summer.
When she was dressed, hair dripping down her back, she pulled out the card she'd stuffed into her pocket back in the Hospital Wing and looked at Ginny's pretty looping letters. She wondered idly if Dumbledore hadn't selected the vase on purpose, the man never did miss anything if he had. She traced Ginny's signature, all my love, again and again thinking about those bright brown eyes of hers and how irresistible she was when she'd pull just far enough away from Penny to look over her handiwork, and give Penny that confident smirk of hers. Penny was so enveloped in the memory of their last encounter that she did not notice the door had opened until Lupin sat down beside her.
"Who's that adorable look of longing for, hmm?" he smiled down at her.
"Remus! I didn't hear you come in," Penny blushed.
Lupin laughed and wrapped one arm around her. "My apologies, I promise I wasn't trying to sneak up on you. I can come back later, if you prefer."
"N-no! I want you to stay," Penny said, much more forcefully than she intended.
Affection brightened Lupin's eyes and he said, "I wouldn't dream of denying you, anything you ask of me while here is yours."
"Anything?" Penny said with a mischievous arch of her brow.
"Indeed,"Lupin replied, an enticing glint in his eyes.
"In that case, I hope Sirius is not a jealous man because I intend to keep you all to myself."
"You'll have to take that up with Sirius," Lupin chuckled. "But who's the card from?"
"Ginny,"Penny replied, looking back down at the note she'd already read over a dozen times.
"Ginny Weasley?"Lupin said, his eyebrows raising in surprise.
"It surprised me too," Penny said with a small smile.
"I admit, I never noticed you two spending much time together," Lupin said, running his hand through his hair.
"We hadn't really, but after everything went terribly wrong on the Night of Mayhem-"
"You went to the Night of Mayhem?" Lupin interrupted, looking impressed.
"Yeah!" Penny grinned.
"You are James' daughter through and through. Be sure to mention it to Sirius, I'm sure he remembers many of the secrets that may be of interest to you. But what made the night so terrible?"
Deciding she better settle in, Penny turned and set criss-cross, facing Lupin, who leaned back against the bedpost, his legs strewn before him. She explained the events of the night, finding Lupin much less judgmental than Snape had been, though he found her choice in friends curious. "Draco Malfoy, really? Lucius was at school with us, but he was a fifth-year by the time I arrived. I know him by reputation mostly. It's curious that his son could fall so far from the tree."
"Harry feels the same way, and likes to remind me often. But I think Draco wants to be something different, he just hasn't fully realized it yet," Penny shrugged.
"You always astound me with that ability to see beyond what people are born and to allow them the space to discover what they can become," he said.
"Maybe, or maybe I'm not very good at my choice of friends, we haven't made it to the part where Malfoy outed me in Sn-in potions," Penny said, covering her face as she recalled the humiliation, but she managed to recount what had ensued for Lupin, who did not laugh at her or make her feel worse, rather he reached for her hands and coaxed her back into looking at him.
"I'm sorry, Penny, no one deserves that. I imagine it was especially difficult seeing how new these feelings for each other were."
"That's not even the worst of it. Thanks to that, the entire school decided to make us public enemy number one. To be honest, I'm surprised she'll even still speak to me after all the hassle I've caused her."
"If I didn't know better I'd say you were willfully ignoring all the signs she doesn't care and is more interested in you than what everyone else thinks," Lupin said, a suspicious challenge in his tone.
"Can't get anything past you, can I," Penny complained, tumbling dramatically sideways onto the bed and letting out a loud sigh.
"Care to tell me what's really bothering you, then? I may be an old man, but I like to believe I've learned a thing or two along the way."
"Only if you promise not to laugh at me," Penny said, eyeing him suspiciously.
Following her to the bed, he laid down beside her, turned his head toward her and said, "Wizard's honor."
Feeling confident Lupin would keep his word, Penny let loose her flood of thoughts and insecurities. "Ginny is just so intimidating sometimes. She's not afraid of anything, and so confident. Sometimes I feel so silly, because I don't know things. . ." Penny trailed off, feeling embarrassed to be admitting these things out loud.
"What kind of things?" Lupin pressed when Penny did not continue.
"About how it's supposed to go. Every time she touches me, it's like she knows exactly what I'll feel or where to roam next. She's done. . .stuff before, but I've never gone beyond a bit of pashing," Penny admitted, avoiding Lupin's gaze. "She's never said anything, I mean, she knows I'm a virgin, but I just want to know what to expect and what to do," she went on in exasperation.
"Ahh, Lupin said, considering her seriously. "First, I want you to know that I don't take it lightly that you've shared these feelings, Penny. I understand how thrilling and confusing these new experience are, and if I might add, how much anxiety a little sexual education can reduce. I'm all too happy to answer any and all questions you may have, with the caveat that you remember my experience will always be different than yours . Saying that, I have been with women as well as men, and have made a point of learning as much about women's pleasure as my own."
"You have?" Penny said, feeling suddenly overwhelmingly relieved at his admission. "I mean, I remember you mentioning you'd dated a girl, but I thought. . ."
"Yes, I can see why that is. But I'm surprised you forgot one of the earliest conversations we had," Lupin said, tapping her in a reproachfully-affectionate manner on the nose.
"What conversation? I've forgotten none!" Penny said, full of conviction.
"It was one of my favorite chats with you, I think it was the moment I knew," he said, his warm brown eyes gazing past her as though he could see the memory as clearly as she saw his handsome cheekbones.
"Knew what?" Penny said, intensely curious.
"That you had rendered me completely helpless to your charms," he smiled, turning back to her. "I'd been sorely disappointed to miss your play and even more irritated by the lame excuse I'd have to give you because I couldn't tell you the truth could I?"
Penny sat up and looked down at Lupin, recalling the memory he spoke of, and most distinctly how much her confused thirteen-year old heart had hurt when she came to find out Lupin had been ill that weekend. Naturally, she hadn't held it against him, but she'd obsessed about it all weekend, only finding relief come Monday when she'd gone in search of him.
"You remember now?" he said, following her into the sitting position.
"You were wrong that day."
"Oh? Wrong about what?"
"If I hadn't been so nervous and enthralled by you and just assessed you, I would have told you, you make a spectacular Mr. Darcy, in fact, I believed with all my being I'd make you my My Darcy one day," Penny said, smiling with affection at the memory.
Lupin inclined his head, "A possibility I dare not let myself entertain."
"But I don't remember you ever mentioning anything about your dating preferences," Penny added, racking her brain, missing the sadness tinged in Lupin's tone.
"I don't fault you for that,I suppose I did use more nuanced language. But if I were to use a label, you could call me pan sexual."
"And me? What does that make me?"
"That depends on you, my dear. But there is no rush, I have complete confidence that you'll figure it out in due time. But as for the current conundrum: there is nothing wrong with being a virgin, Penny. In fact, all of us and I mean all have to learn at some point, and we are all ready at different times. I'm proud you've listened to your own comfort levels, and happy you've found someone you want to explore these things with."
"Yeah well, I'd like exploring better if I knew what I was looking for," Penny replied, sulkily.
Lupin let out a loud rumble of laughter, at this, annoying Penny somewhat. She glared at him as he tried to get himself under control, wiping his eyes of the few treacherous tears.
"I thought you said you wouldn't laugh," she said, mutinously.
"I'd never laugh at you, but sometimes you are much too adorably impatient, you must forgive a man his weakness, I cannot resist your charms."
Trying hard to pretend she was still annoyed though she felt secretly elated by his words, she nodded.
"If I may ask you a question, and you should by no means feel compelled to answer it if you feel the least bit uncomfortable, I merely ask to ascertain from where I should start," Lupin said, looking much more serious now.
"I'm ready, ask away."
"Have you ever orgasmed?"
"I don't know? How would I know?" Penny replied, brows furrowed.
"You can trust me when I say, you'd know," he chuckled. "If I may make a suggestion-try exploring yourself first. In order to understand how to pleasure another, it's vital we first know our own. I have the hunch that much of the mystery might be solved if you were to try that."
"Wait, I can do that? It actually works?" Penny said, flabbergasted.
"Absolutely."
"Oh-" Penny said, gazing at the wall, lost in thought, thinking about how many years of her life she'd wasted neglecting that warm spot between her legs and finding herself very eager to figure the orgasm out.
Rubbing her face several times, she looked at Lupin, who'd returned to laying down flat on his back, watching her silently, his eyes soaking in all of her as though afraid at any moment she would disappear. It was that look that reminded her how she still hadn't apologized to him, that he still didn't know why she'd done it: ignored him for so long.
"I've missed you," Penny said, quietly.
"I would say I missed you as well, but I'm afraid I've found the words inadequate to describe how woefully bleak my life feels without all that you bring to it," said Lupin, reaching for her wrist and tugging just hard enough to pull her into his chest.
Penny wrapped both arms around his torso, Lupin returning the embrace after he'd covered them in a blanket. Pulling her in close, he rested his mouth in her hair and gave a content sigh.
"I don't really understand why I pulled away, but I think it was because I was afraid of things being different, that somehow you wouldn't love me as much anymore," Penny said.
"I can see why you'd think that, I've felt it a time or two the past couple of years. I think there came a point for me, where I decided that different need not be bad because I knew, no matter how you grew, changed, and blossomed I wanted nothing more than to be a part of it."
"I want to be a part of it too-of whatever makes you happy in life. Please, Remus, will you let me?" Penny said, raising her head to look at him.
"Nothing would make me happier," he smiled, squeezing her tightly and rolling over so Penny could make herself more comfortable.
They looked at each other for a long moment, Penny's heart clinging desperately to his every feature, wrinkle and mole, imprinting the memory of his love on every surface of her mind so she would never forget-she could always trust him. Closing her eyes, she settled into his chest, allowing her wave of exhaustion to wash over her, feeling perfectly content listening to his loud heart and the slow rising and falling of his chest. Whatever life threw at her, Penny felt she could endure it with Sirius and Lupin at her side-even perhaps the reality of never mending things with Snape, but she was not ready to cross that bridge; not just yet.
"Rest now, Penny and do not let your heart be troubled, I promise to do a better job of looking after it this time."