Mild Spoilers for DMC!
Disclaimer: Definitely not mine…Disney owns all!
A/N: I decided to try my hand at a bit of humor. Thanks to Greene Apples, who has inspired me with her hilarious Maggaschotchi fics! If it's lame, I'm sorry in advance.
The PotC Gang Watch the Trailer
Poof! All the sudden the entire cast from Pirates found the selves stranded on a deserted island that Jack was made governor twice before. Seeing as three times was a charm, Jack passed out rum to everybody, figuring they'd enjoy being stranded a lot better if they were drunk. After all, that philosophy had always worked well for him.
"How did we get here?" asked a confused Elizabeth, hand in hand with her fiancé.
"Who's he?" Will asked interestedly, pointing at what appeared to be half man/half squid.
"Meep!" Cried Jack, and hid behind Will.
"Christmas is all around us; come on and let is snow," mumbled Squidman, and went off to feed his Kraken.
"That be"…chomp… "Davey Jones"…chomp…"Captain of"…chomp…"The Flying Dutchman…Arrr!" snarled Barbossa. He was chewing loudly on a green apple, and started to throw it at the Commodore.
"Barbossa, what are you doing still alive?" said Norrington, looking extremely put out. But before Barbossa could launch his apple, a magical box materialized in front of them all. Rousing theme music began to play, and a pirate flag flashed on the computer screen.
"Ooh! Pirates…lemme see!" Elizabeth squealed, dragging her fiancé with her and plonking them in front of the anachronism. Everyone crowded around the magic box to see what happened next. (And I mean everyone: Jack, Will, Elizabeth, Norrington, Gillette, Anamaria, Barbossa, Davey Jones, Lord Beckett, Gov. Swann, Tia Dalma, Murtogg, Mullroy, Pintel, Ragetti, and Bootstrap.)
Will appeared on screen, carrying a lantern. He was walking on board a sinking ship in the middle of a terrible storm.
"Hey, look guys, it's me!" The afore mentioned Turner yelled, jumping up and down and pointing at himself.
"Quiet, son…other people are trying to hear," Bootstrap shushed him. Will hung his head.
"Sorry, Dad. Dad!" Erupted a shocked Will, having first laid eyes on his father for the first time in many years.
"Shuddup!" Barbossa growled, and Will wisely remained mute. The group watched the rest of the trailer in silence, as they were afraid of what Barbossa might do. Except for Gov. Swann, who whispered, "Exciting!" and clapped his hands when it was over.
"I can' believe it!" mused an extremely disappointed Barbossa. "I wasn't even in the trailer!"
"Me neither!" Chorused Anamaria, Gillette, Governor Swann, Murtogg, and Mulroy, who deemed it was safe to talk.
"It seems we're not that important to the story anymore, Ana," sighed a dejected Gillette.
"Let's run away together!" offered Anamaria. Gilette agreed wholeheartedly and they disappeared with a poof. Murtogg and Mulroy looked at each other.
"Let's run away together!" they said, staring at each other googley-eyed.
"No!" yelled the rest of the cast.
"No more bizarre slash pairings, I beg you," Jack pleaded with his hands folded.
"Yeah, Sparrington was weird enough," said Norrie, glancing at Jack with a shudder.
"G-r-o double s GROSS!" added Jack.
"I wasn't in the trailer, but everyone knows I have an enormous part in the movie," announced Governor Swann proudly, but nobody cared…except for Elizabeth, and Will because he wanted to suck-up to his future father in-law.
"Say, Norrie, what happened to yer wig?" Jeered Captain Sparrow, waving his arms around unnecessarily.
"I…I don't know!" The Commodore cried, wailing hysterically at the thought of losing his beloved hair piece. Nobody seemed to notice when Murtogg and Mulroy vanished mysteriously.
"Hey, how come we wasn't in the trailer?" Pintel demanded.
"We was in the teaser…I liked that one best," said Ragetti, messing with his new glass eye.
"Oh yeah," said Pintel slowly. "Hey… let's go steal Jack's rum!"
"But why?" Ragetti asked. Pintel shrugged.
"We're always stealing somethin'. If we don't, we'll probably be cursed again." Not wanting to disagree with that logic, Ragetti helped his buddy pilfer Jack's rum.
"Stop! Will, help me!" Screeched Elizabeth, who was being propositioned by a stranger. "Who the heck is he!"
"Mr. Collins at your service," said the Navy man, getting down on one knee. "Elizabeth, I want you to know that I have singled you out as my future companion!"
"I'm sorry, sir, you must be experiencing some memory loss due to the rum," said Will, dragging the poor man to his feet. "I distinctly remember you introducing yourself as Lord Beckett, pirate hunter extraordinaire." Beckett blinked and adjusted his wig.
"But she is Elizabeth, isn't she?" Will frowned.
"Well, of course. But she's already said she'd marry me." Beckett scowled, and walked away muttering, "Funny, he doesn't look like Darcy…"
"Jack, pu' yer rum down," Tia instructed after Captain Sparrow had guzzled his tenth bottle. "If ye want yer soul back, ye mus' sail to de ends o' de eart'!"
"What!" asked everyone, not understanding her.
"I'm sorry!" she wept. "It's all I can say in that accent!" Elizabeth gave her a hug. She felt better.
"But I can' put me rum down!" screeched Jack. "I jus' found out Davey is after me soul and I need to clear me head!"
"So you drink more rum…yeah that makes sense," said Norrington, shaking his head in disapproval.
"Ye gave yer presents to me…and I gave mine ta ye!" Sang Davey Jones, who had started a lucrative singing career after being mistaken for one of the Monkees. He specialized in crappy X-mas tunes. "Everybody!"
But nobody paid much attention to him. Will was in deep conversation with his father, Bill Turner Sr. for they had much catching up to do.
"I know this is going to come as a shock to you, son…" Bill said with a sigh, but he was interrupted.
"It's okay, Dad…I already know," Will said softly.
"You…you do?" Bill asked in wonder.
"Yes…I've finally accepted that my father is a pirate and a good man." Bill shook his head, frowning.
"That's not what I was going to say…what I need for you to know is, Will…we're from Scotland."
"No! I refuse to believe it!" Will shouted, brandishing his sword that he pulled from thin air. "How can you tell me this now?"
"But what's wrong with Scotland?" asked Bill, not understanding why his son was so upset.
"Well, now that I know my heritage, I'm assuming that you'll want me to wear a kilt at my wedding to Elizabeth," sighed Will. Bill shrugged, and Will had to keep explaining. "But if I do that, it gives Jack the opportune moment to make a eunuch joke during his toast."
"I see your point…" said his father.
Meanwhile, Jack was bemoaning the loss of his beloved compass.
"I'll never find the Dead Man's Chest without it!" he howled.
Elizabeth shook her head in annoyance. Was she the only sane one on the island? It sure looked like it…Norrington was contemplating growing a beard and leaving the navy, Barbossa was caressing his apple core, her father was energetically practicing his 'Huzzahs', and Will was currently asking his father about what color kilt would look best on him.
"Jack, your compass is in your back pocket," she informed the pirate.
"Ah, so it is!" he crowed, grabbing it. "Thank ye, Elizabeth luv…" But then Jack stared at her, as if remembering something.
"Lizzie darling, it looks that we'll be having some up-close and personal encounters in the near future…I look forward to it!" he teased, immensely enjoying it as she blushed crimson. "I wonder who initiated our kiss…"
"Jack Sparrow, my fiancé is standing right over there!" She fiercely reminded him.
"…And he seems to have forgotten what shall go on between us…he's much more interested in catching up with his father," Jack stated matter-of-factly.
"I don't blame him!" Elizabeth retorted angrily. "If I hadn't seen my father in many years…" she trailed off, watching her father promptly fall out of a coconut tree, dust himself off, and try to crack a coconut on his head.
"You were saying…" Jack smirked, and waggled his eyebrows at her.
"What I'm saying as what ever happens between us in the future, it's not what you think."
"How do you know I'm thinking anything?" Jack asked innocently.
"Don't play dumb with me, Sparrow," Elizabeth warned him. "I know exactly what you are thinking…a dress or nothing, honestly!"
"Ye wound me, luv!" Jack dramatically clutched his arms to his chest. Elizabeth was not amused.
"Did it ever occur to you that I might be trying to save Will's life?"
"And kissing me would save Will how, exactly?" Jack said, still smirking.
"Oh, you're impossible!" Elizabeth gave up, and went to join Will.
"That's me job, savvy?" Jack finished his thirteenth bottle of rum, went looking for more and instead met up with the Kraken. They became best friends and are currently plotting Davey Jones' demise. How they'll do that, as the Flying Dutchman captain was already dead, is beyond me.
THE END!
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