I haven't abandoned this story! So I am sorry if my absence made you think that. I am live and mostly well. But it's been an interesting few weeks. GLAD TO BE FREE OF THEM AND WRITING AGAIN!
I wrote and titled this chapter to a song called Comes and Goes (In Waves) By Greg Laswell. I just really feel like it captures this ebbing and flowing we have going on with Penny and Snape, and the endless miscommunication. But in the end they can't escape it, can they? It just really put me in that melancholic state of imagining them calling to each other, but never being heard.
Alright, enjoy the fun Hogwarts day, before you know it we will be at Christmas and Harry getting possessed!
I hope everyone is happy and healthy and can forgive me for being away so long!
Waking with the sun, Penny got clumsily dressed, pulling on the sweat suit Sirius had given her before putting a beanie over her messy hair. Yawning widely, she crept her way downstairs, doing her best to close the door without waking the other girls, and made her way to the common room where she found Ginny already waiting.
Penny couldn't help but smile as her eyes took in Ginny's adorable form in her athletic pants and cropped shirt, hair tied in a tight bun on the top of her head, a pair of earmuffs, clearly made by her mother, covering each ear.
"Morning," Penny said, stepping up and giving the beautiful girl a lingering kiss.
"Keep on like this and you won't get me out the door," Ginny warned with a smirk as she gave Penny a tantalizing kiss back.
Finding her resolve to break away before things got too heated, Penny took Ginny by the hand and dragged her through the portrait hole. They walked down empty corridors, the castle filled with an unusual stillness as the student populace slumbered. The missing commotion she was used to almost made Penny feel as though she would get into trouble for being out of bed, but she had checked the school rules with Hermione to confirm that curfew ended at five thirty in the morning.
Pushing the double doors open that led to the grounds, Penny shivered as the brisk air washed across her. They took the path leading down to the trail they wanted at a walk, both of them trying not to slip on the compacted snow. Ginny fared better than Penny, who slipped several times, landing painfully on her bum.
The loop Penny wanted to follow for their run took them about 45 minutes, Penny setting the pace and being impressed at how well Ginny kept up, though she was heaving by the time they came to a stop beside the lake. Penny's muscles were burning with the exhaustion she'd become addicted to while staying with Sirius.
"Hop in the lake with me," Ginny said, finally able to stand up straight again.
"What?" Penny said, casting a flabbergasted look at the lake. "It's freezing in there, we'll get hypothermia."
"No we won't, I'll dry us as soon as we get out," Ginny said with an eye-roll. She began yanking off her shoes, clearly serious about the proposal.
"Ginny no, stop, it'll be miserable," Penny tried, glancing wearily at the dark water again.
"It'll be fun, I promise," Ginny said, looking amused as she reached over and began pulling Penny's shirt over her head. A moment later they both stood in just their knickers, Penny shameless taking in Ginny's slender form.
"C'mon," Ginny grinned, grabbing Penny's hand and leading her toward the small dock, Penny and her chattering teeth following in reluctance after her.
When they reached the edge, nothing separating them from the dark, murky water, Penny dug her heels in.
"I can't, Ginny."
"Is Penny Potter scared?"
"Maybe," Penny scowled.
"What if I promise not to let the giant squid get you?"
"It's not that," said Penny, looking at her feet in embarrassment. "I-I can't swim, alright."
"Is that all?" Ginny said, sounding surprised.
"What do you mean, is that all! I'd prefer not to drown!" Penny said, turning back to Ginny incredulously only to find her lips twitching in amusement.
"I didn't mean it like that. Merely, that's a simple fix," she said, waving her wand in a brisk motion. A loud pop erupted from it and two bright yellow floaties appeared around each arm of Penny's.
"Are you serious? I look ridiculous, what if someone sees me!"
Ginny resisted the urge to give Penny an eye-roll, opting instead to give her an arch of her brow. "Who are you trying to impress? Hmm?"
"You!" Penny flushed, furiously.
"Well, then you'll be glad to know I think they make you look irresistibly adorable," said Ginny, her voice getting distinctly lower as she took slow steps in Penny's direction.
"I don't want to be adorable!"
"Vulnerable then, you look utterly at my mercy," Ginny went on, brushing a strand of Penny's hair away from her face so she could skim the surface with her soft lips, stopping just shy of Penny's own lips.
"Yeah?" Penny breathed when Ginny smirked down at Penny's eagerness. "I think I prefer it when you're at my mercy."
Ginny's brown eyes met Penny's in a moment of questioning, her brow furrowed ever so slightly before Penny pressed herself against the full lips she could not resist a moment longer. They crashed into each other, kissing so deeply that Penny almost forgot where she was standing and that she was barely clothed, but she gathered herself just long enough to break from Ginny's hot, wet mouth, and looked down at her with a smirk of her own. And then with all her strength she shoved Ginny backwards, sending her flying off the edge of the dock and crashing into the frigid water. She disappeared for a moment before resurfacing with a loud, disgruntled yell.
"Penny, you brat!"
Penny was laughing so hard she had to clutch the stitch in her side. Catching her breath, she bit back her fear and took a running leap into the endless abyss that was the lake. The cold water was a shock to her system, almost dazing her. Her ears filled, and for a moment, she felt as though she were suspended in the deep, not knowing which was up or down, fearing her floaties were not working, but a moment later they propelled her upward and her head burst through the water. Coughing slightly, she wiped her eyes and found Ginny swimming up beside her, looking slightly placated by Penny's peace offering.
"I-I told you this was an awful idea," Penny said through chattering teeth.
"Sometimes it's nice to just live a little," said Ginny, wrapping her arms around Penny's neck.
"Because it's not living unless it feels like you're dying," Penny said, her eyebrow arched, unconvinced.
Ginny sighed and gave Penny an eye roll while Penny laced her frozen hands around Ginny's waist beneath the water. "For once in your life, Penny, stop being such a control freak and let the moment have you," Ginny said in her ear, giving her a chiding bite.
Resisting the urge to argue, Penny closed her eyes and took in a deep breath, breathing in the floral scent of Ginny's hair, which was intermingled with the piny fresh smell of the winter air. Tilting her head upwards, she opened her eyes, finding the sky streaked with reds and golds from the sun that had barely crossed the horizon. Ginny pressed her body closer to Penny's, making her marvel at how the icy water made her touch even more blissful to her heightened nerves. The cold water was painfully invigorating, and it made her acutely aware of every centimeter of her skin; of the slow rising and falling of the water; Ginny's wet hair tickling her shoulders, and the breeze that whistled past them. All it once, it was utter agony and pure bliss.
The lake expanded around them, the world silent, and for a moment there was nothing but the two of them. For the blissful moments Ginny clung to Penny, leaving a trail of kisses along her neck, Penny forgot her misery—the curse that loomed over her; the horrors hidden in her memories; her fight with Snape; and even her fears about what was to come. Nothing could take her peace from her, not even Ginny dragging her out of the water and drying them because she finally conceded that if they lingered much longer they would get hypothermia; no, her nerves, though returned to their rightful state of warmth, would not forget what the cold water had given her. The pair of them laughing as they made their way to breakfast, Penny felt as though nothing could ruin her day.
For half a single blissful day, Penny was utterly content, so much so, her twin shot her nervous glances and accused her of being unwell. Penny insisted she was fine, but Ron and he remained unconvinced, and even Hermione's attempts to change the subject didn't work to deter them. She gave Penny an apologetic smile, being intelligent enough to understand Penny was not about to confess to her brother and Ginny's brother the romantic morning she'd had. It was better to avoid that awkward conversation all together, so Penny made her escape from them at lunch.
Finding Fleamont, Penny made for Hagrid's hut. Harry had filled Penny in on Hagrid's return and the reason for his absence. Apparently, he and Madam Maxine had been sent by Dumbledore to try and get the giants on their side before Voldemort did. The tale was quite exciting and disappointing, seeing as Hagrid had been unsuccessful due to Death Eater's involvement. However, nowhere in the story did Hagrid ever explain why he had been missing for so long, leaving Harry naturally uneasy, because whenever Hagrid hid something, it never turned out good.
Penny never did have as close of a relationship with Hagrid as Harry Ron and Hermione, seeing as Penny spent a lot of time with Snape and typically missed out whenever they would visit Hagrid. However, she had managed to get closer with the game-keeper during their third-year when Harry and Ron stopped talking to Hermione and she was trying to help Hagrid with Buckbeak's trial. But they got along well enough, and Penny always loved to learn new things about the amazing creatures he took care of, and she was especially interested to see what Hagrid could tell her about Fleamont.
Hagrid's hut was empty when she arrived, so she walked to the edge of the forest and searched for some time before the barking of Fang caught her attention. The giant dog barreled her over, sending Fleamont flinging from her in a fit of hissing. Fang turned momentarily from Penny to sniff at the angry cat, but then quickly returned to licking her incessantly.
"Fang, yeh great oaf," came Hagrid's voice as he came into Penny's vision and pushed the dog off her before lifting Penny to her feet. "Oh, it's yeh, Penny. Wasn' expectin' yeh. Though' yeh were stayin' with Sirius."
"He got sick of me and kicked me out," Penny grinned, reaching down and picking up a very harassed looking Fleamont, whom Fang had decided to take a very keen interest in. "I wanted to introduce you to the newest member of the family. This is Fleamont," Penny said, holding the cat out toward Hagrid.
Hagrid's eyes widened and he took the cat, who seemed to relax instantly. "Isn' tha' somethin' a real Sphynx, expensive they are, and notoriously picky about who they'll tether with." Hagrid said, reaching in one of his many pockets and offering Fleamont a very raw looking piece of meat. The cat was more than happy to accept, allowing Hagrid to pat him on the head as he devoured it.
"What do you mean by tethered?"
"Well, they ain' normal cats, are they, Sphynxes."
"Sirius said they were believed to ward off death."
"Stories, those. Probably came abou' because they're mighty useful an' have all sorts o' abilities. But they only use them fer the folks they sense are worthy o' being tethered ter."
Fleamont, seemingly determined to find out what else was hiding in Hagrid's pocket, dug his claws deep into Hagrid's moleskin coat and scaled his way down his chest, trying to force his face into a pocket. Hagrid chuckled affectionately at the cat. "That's no' fer yeh." he said, trying to grab the cat, but Fleamont was too fast, having pulled his face free from the pocket, bringing with him a giant piece of meat, the next moment disappearing in a puff of smoke.
"Fleamont!" Penny said in alarm.
"Don' worry, he's fine," Hagrid said, pointing to the tree just behind Penny. Her eyes followed Hagrid's long finger and she found Fleamont sitting perched on a branch high above them, enjoying the fruits of his labor.
"How'd he do that," Penny said, flabbergasted.
"Told yeh, amazin' creatures."
"What else can he do?" Penny said, feeling suddenly very excited and intrigued.
"Dunno, depends on the cat. Some say they develop skills as their master has need, but who knows, yeh'll jus' have ter find out yerself. But one thin' is certain, won' need ter worry again, not with him lookin' out fer yeh. If yeh come by tomorrow, I'll give yeh some things he migh' like ter eat."
Hagrid and Fang led Penny back to his hut where they found their class gathered, waiting for him. Avoiding Harry's eyes, Penny made for the head of sleek blond hair she knew and begrudgingly loved. He had a sneer plastered to his face, not bothering to speak in a low voice as he complained about Hagrid, his usual group of followers snickering loudly, Pansy Parkinson more so than the rest.
Her laughter was cut short however, when Penny walked up and Draco's bored expression came a-light with curiosity.
"Well, well, well, something interesting.I must say, Penny, you are looking quite fabulous. I can see why no one will shut up about you," Draco said, appraising her as though she were some shiny antique he were considering purchasing "Come, I'm dying to hear about the Russian princess," he drawled sarcastically, lacing his arm through hers and leading her after Hagrid toward the forest where they were apparently having their lesson.
"Good to see you in such high spirits, Draco. If only you could have blessed me with your presence yesterday," Penny said, a noticeable sourness to her tone.
"I cannot always be there to rescue you from yourself, one day you'll learn when to shut up," Draco shrugged. "I am curious what you did to piss off Snape enough to make him pair you with Nott, though," Draco went on, his cool gray peering at her from the corner of his eyes.
" I didn't do anything, he is just being his typical awful, annoying, infuriating, petty self," Penny tried to say casually, but her irritation flared into her voice against her will, exposing her.
"That sounds about as convincing as you having spattergroit."
"I did have spattergroit!"
"Don't insult me, Penny. No one looking at your greatly-improved-physique would ever believe such an outlandish lie," he snapped.
"What was wrong with my previous physique!"
"Nothing. But let's just say you've blossomed ."
"I'm not a flower," Penny said, darkly.
"Your name would suggest otherwise," Draco replied, coming to a stop and turning on her with a very condescending expression lingering behind his heavy lidded eyes.
The class had formed small clusters and Hagrid was speaking, but Penny had not heard a word of what he was saying and did not attempt to rectify it.
"So-where were you?"
"In Russia," Penny said, her mouth twisting in a lopsided grin.
Draco studied her for a moment before sighing. "Fine, keep your secrets, I have more important ones for you to expose."
"Do tell."
"You know, you sound exactly Snape when you say that—but it's about Chang, that slut. I have finally decided what we will use to publish to destroy her."
The latter half of his sentence was enough to make Penny forget her irritation, so she waited quietly for him to elaborate, not bothering to feel the least bit guilty for the pleasure the thought of making Cho Chang miserable made her feel.
"It seems our goody-two-shoes is having family troubles. As you may know, her parents are on the Hogwarts Board of Governors, and I learned her dad has been fucking his secretary. It seems it's not his first transgression either, apparently there was a child from the last."
"Yous in the back, quiet down. They're here," Hagrid said.
Draco gave an eye roll, but Penny turned monetarily back to the front of the class to pretend to see what Hagrid was going to have them work on before responding to Malfoy, but she found nothing.
"Now tell me who can see 'em," Hagrid went on.
Penny was about to question Hagrid seeing as everyone else looked as confused as she, but a rustling to her left caught her attention and she turned to find the skeleton-like horse-head of those horrific beasts she'd encountered with Snape, looking back at her though its pupil-less white eyes. It was so close it could lick her, its hot, putrid breath hitting her in the face.
Unbridled terror swam through Penny as Hagrid's voice drifted through the air.
"Knew yeh would Harry, an yeh ter Neville—"
Letting out a blood curdling scream, Penny took a step away from the creature, tripped and landed on the ground, just as three more of the creatures appeared beside the other, all of which began making their way toward Penny, who was desperately trying to scramble away.
"What're you doing?" Draco said, rather rudely, looking concerned for her mental health.
"Get them away from me!"
"Now, now they ain' gonna hurt yeh," Hagrid chuckled, pulling Penny to her feet for the second time that day.
"What are you talking about, there's nothing there," sneered Malfoy.
"Yeah there are, they're thestrals," said Hagrid.
Hermione let out a little gasp that told them all she knew what they were.
"Righ', now who can tell me why some o' you can see them an' some can't?"
"The only people who can see thestrals are those who have seen death."
Penny's classmates shifted uncomfortably, all eyes shifting between the four people who could evidently see the creatures as though they were somehow unlucky now. Draco's cool gray eyes found Penny's green ones when she'd finally taken hers off the disturbing creatures who had given up pursuing her and made for the carcass of food Hagrid had left for them. There was a strange expression on his pretty features—suspicion mixed with some sort of morbid pity.
Unable to bear it, Penny looked away, she was beginning to feel very unsteady as the memories of her encounter with death returned to her. Screaming was filling her ears like rushing water, and her surroundings were blurring, turning from green to blue—a pair of blue eyes. And then, out of nowhere, Penny was retching, gut heaving retching. Several people yelled in disgust but a pair of perfectly manicured hands gathered her hair out of her face and held it for her so she would not get it dirty.
"Of course this imbecile chose something monstrous," Draco said, contemptuously.
"Penny, are yeh alrigh'?" Hagrid asked nervously.
"She clearly needs the Hospital Wing and to get away from your accursed creatures," snapped Malfoy.
"R-righ', should someone go with yeh?"
"No, no it's fine, Hagrid, I can go myself, sorry for interrupting class," Penny said, breathlessly when she finally managed to control her heaving.
She clasped Draco's shoulder in thanks, but did not meet his gaze, knowing he very much wanted to offer himself as escort to the Hospital Wing so he could interrogate her. Penny did not think she had the energy to combat his wits and she certainly would not be teling him about her time as Voldemort's captor, so avoiding looking at the thestrals, she made her way to the castle. She had no intention of going to the Hospital Wing to let Madam Pomfrey keep her captive. Instead she wandered, not knowing where she was going, her mind drifting to the thestrals. Most distinctly, Penny recalled the look on Snape's face when he'd realized she'd only begun being able to see thestrals in her fifth year the night he'd dragged her into the forest. At the time she thought he was just being his usually annoying self, accusing her of lying, but now she understood his outburst—he'd worked it out, realized that whatever was hiding in Penny's mind contained horrors either of them had ever imagined.
Though it by no means changed the fact he had blatantly used her to get information from Yaxley and refused to be honest with her, leaving her to deal with the reality of those memories without him; he had tried to spare her from them. Quite suddenly and annoyingly, Penny understood why Snape had refused all her requests about finding her memory and was willing to risk stealing it from Umbridge, a Ministry official— because he didn't want to lay on her the burden of memories he suspected would destroy her. But of course, Penny had gone and done the rash thing she always does and nearly poisoned herself, and Snape, perhaps it had not so much been her he'd been mad at, but himself?
These thoughts sent Penny into, if possible, even more turmoil because she could not stop her heart from acknowledging how Snape had clearly and evidently taken into account her wellbeing. But she couldn't—wouldn't let the pain of his abandonment go because there was no reason for her to believe he wouldn't do it again—that he wouldn't continue to make decisions without her input.
Finding herself on the fourth floor, Penny made for the large window that overlooked the grounds and crawled up onto the windowsill, which was large enough to seat two people. She remembered having a conversation with Lupin here once, in a time when things didn't feel so complicated. Those were the days Penny wished she could go back to, to the time before everything changed. She felt a little guilty for being more attached to those days than the ones she spent with Cedric, but there was still too much pain wrapped up in any of her thoughts of Cedric. The memories of stolen kisses, days too short, laughter by the lake, and dreams of their future did not bring Penny any comfort, rather they reminded her of the horrible turn life had taken.
"Should you not be in Care of Magical Creatures, Ms. Potter," The cool and accusatory tones of Professor Snape said. One day Penny was determined to discover how he always found her.
Turning from the window, Penny looked at the tall man, who's eyes narrowed on her face, clearly dissatisfied with what he perceived. She still did feel a bit nauseous and figured it probably showed.
"Yes, sir," she said, mechanically.
"Then explain to me why you are not there."
Pulling her knees into her chest, she turned away from him to look back out the window and said, "Because we're studying thestrals."
He did not respond, but she glanced at him when movement caught her attention. Arms crossed, he leaned against the wall and turned to look out the window as well. Eye's glued to him, she considered him, the bags beneath his eyes betraying the fact he clearly had not slept well, forcing Penny to concede he wasn't a heartless robot hiding in a man's skin after all. The light from outside shone brightly, softening the lines of his face and making his dark eyes glitter prettily. Looking at him Penny both wanted to hug and strangle him, mostly strangle.
"Why didn't you tell me," she finally said, the stiffening of his posture telling her he'd understood her question, which meant he'd anticipated it—something that made Penny hopeful that he'd stayed with the purpose of being honest with her.
"Because sometimes I wish to be something other than just the person who brings you unwelcome news. I know you'll find it difficult to believe, but I take no pleasure in these regrettable truths," he said, bitterly.
The words—they were not the ones Penny had expected. In fact, the sorrow they carried within them—they made Penny even angrier than if he'd simply lied to her, or refused to answer. Because in his voice, Penny heard the tone of longing and disappointed hopes that suggested the man wanted something more than whatever bullshit they were tangled in. Being cold, distant, harsh and elusive was something he'd chosen to be against the wishes of his heart, he was making them both suffer for some imagined reason Penny could not comprehend. And still he seemed not to want her to comprehend it, because he remained looking steadfastly out the window, an irritated sneer working its way across his thin lips as he clearly mulled through thoughts he had no intent of sharing with her.
"That's not what you were, not once not ever. You were the only person I believed I could count on to help me understand myself; the one I turned to for help to make sense of it all. But you never wanted me to be the person you counted on. No one locked you in that tower of yours, you locked yourself in," said Penny, getting to her feet in irritation and fully intending to leave him standing there stupidly. But his words, they brought her to a hault, catching her attention and stopping her in her tracks with absurd ease. She could not move, not help herself from turning to look at him as he spoke.
"I took this mark in my seventh year, at the time I did not understand the cost of it, but I am no longer so foolish. I know now that I will never be free of it. But I am certain—if I have done anything right in this monstrous life I've led—it's been to spare you from what it entails," Snape said, vehemently, his eyes flashing angrily.
Penny took a step back in both, shock at the force of emotions coming from him and blasting her in the face, and her own indignation. But before she could respond to him, tell him how stupid he was for resigning himself to some utterly useless idea of purgatory, he turned on his heel, cloak billowing behind him and whisked away. Wishing very much she could hex him without getting expelled, and having too much dignity to run after him, Penny rubbed her hands vigorously across her face several times and then slumped back down against the window. She did not know how she was supposed to interpret the man's words. They were contradictory, as per-usual and it was impossible to determine if he was sharing in hopes of fixing things with her, or continuing to defend his choices, his dramatic exit making her more inclined to think the latter.
With a loud sigh, she flopped her head against the window with a loud thud, not caring that it hurt. She could not ignore the fact Snape had been 17 when he'd taken his mark and sworn himself to the Dark Lord. That was two years older than she was now, and Penny could not help but imagine she would not be greatly different from how she was now by the time she made it to her seventh year. He'd still been a child, hadn't even graduated, so how could he have known what it was he was becoming a part of? How much had Snape lost, of himself and his youth for that decision? For some unbeknownst reason Penny had always imagined Snape exactly as he was, never trying to understand how many awful experiences and choices led him to being the man he was today. She'd subscribed to him a kind of responsibility that she did not do to anyone else at that age, and then berated him for not making better choices, as though he'd been inherently evil the whole time. In her guilt, Penny could not help but imagine how her self-righteousness had hurt him, the man who now risked his life daily as a spy for Dumbledore. And still, he'd born her juvenile remarks, her ignorant ideas of what being a good person meant, all the while never correcting her, all so she could have what was stolen from him—her youth and the ability to try again.
Whatever Snape's faults, Penny could no longer, with any conviction, accuse the man of cowardice—and everything he did, he did with her in mind, even if it made them both miserable.
I also changed the book cover of this, did anyone notice? I really wish ya'll could see it in better detail but the icon is so small. In the bottom corner is a red lily that's been scribbled out. HAHA could't help myself. I paid tribute to flower names, did you catch that? Penelope IS a flower, its a kind of rose! When I named Penny I decided she would embody two things, her mother and her mothers regret. Like Harry who is named after James, Penny was given a name from a flower like her mom and aunt. But I think Lily went with a P in many ways to honor her sister and the regret I think she had over them falling away from each other!
toodles.