WARNING: SOME VIOLENCE AN DRUG USE
Happy weekend ya'll! Hope you're all having fun in the sun.
Today I made iced tea to avoid the heat and watched the new Persuasion adaption on Netlfix. I'm one of those people who will always watch every Jane Austin adaption that comes out! I loved the new take, and the casting, it was SUPERB. But I felt like some of the romance in the book was lost to give us a witty character instead. I just think I wanted a bit more time and dynamic between Anne and Wentworth, but I still enjoyed it. Maybe I'm just really wanting sappy things this week?
I hope you enjoy reading this week and I'll chat to you in the end notes!
Mrs. Weasley took mercy on Penny, taking her through the back door and sending her upstairs for a bath with some of Ginny's clothing so she could change. Turning on the shower as hot as it would go, Penny looked at herself in the mirror, smacking her own cheeks a few times while internally berating herself for allowing such weakness to get the better of her, and in front of Mrs. Weasley. What if this led to her, or anyone else, deciding they could now bring up the topic about what had happened that day in the ministry? She would obviously remain tight lipped, but that didn't mean the situation would be any easier to navigate.
Keeping her distance was the only way forward, keep her distance and—reaching in her pocket, she pulled out the bottle, uncorked the cap and slid two small pills into her hand. She considered them for a moment, wondering if her lack of internal strife was a bad sign or not. Then, without a second thought, she popped them into her mouth, climbed into the shower and slid to the floor where she waited for them to take effect.
If she was going to make it through this day, she needed help.
"You seem shorter," Harry said, his green eyes furrowed as he squinted at her through the bright sun, reaching a hand out to measure her height compared to his.
"Honestly, Harry," chided Hermione, as she eyed the broomstick Ron was offering her, warily.
"I didn't get ten centimeters for my birthday like you did," Penny scowled. She was getting a little sensitive about how quickly Harry was outpacing her in height, worrying she might end up being short. Taking her own broom, she turned decidedly away from Harry and to Ginny instead, "Boys versus girls?"
"You're on," grinned Bill, quickly tying his long red hair behind his head.
"Maybe I should sit this out, I'm no good at quidditch," Hermione said tentatively.
"Don't worry, neither is Ron," Ginny said, making Ron throw something at her in his irritation. "Just play keeper, Penny do you want—"
"I'm playing seeker," Penny said, her green eyes alight with her aggressively competitive nature.
"I won't go easy on you just because it's your birthday," said Harry, a mischievous smile playing on his lips, the wind tussling his already messy hair.
"Same goes to you, little brother."
Penny pushed off, the heart-hammering-exhilaration of the rush of movement made infinitely better from the chemicals raging through her veins; the unusually cool afternoon air making her feel even more alert.
With only six of them to play there were no bludgers, making the game very different, but no less enjoyable. It turned out Hermione was much more awful than Penny anticipated, but Ginny was good, which made the teams almost evenly matched, seeing as it'd been some time since Bill had been on a broom, and so long as Penny helped guard the goals from time-to-time, much to the annoyance of Bill.
Harry being Harry and having a firebolt had an absurd advantage over Penny, especially with her being on an old clean sweep, but that did not mean she threw in the towel and instead double downed on making the game the most irritating one Harry had ever played and even managed to keep him from getting the snitch a couple of times (Mrs. Weasley audibly gasping when Harry had to make a barrel roll to avoid getting hit by Penny.) It was all in good fun and her twin seemed to enjoy the challenge of evading her, and taunting her.
Unfortunately, it did not take long for Penny to remember she had no attention span for the position of seeker, it was much too dull, and so she drifted off toward Bill who had the quaffle and was making for Hermione, who looked very anxious. As Bill lined up his shot, not even bothering to look to his left, Penny shifted all of her weight forward on the broom, sending her plummeting, but she shifted her weight again an instant later, forcing this momentum into a somersault, the end of her broom smashing the quaffle away from the rings, everyone around her roaring with laughter when she arrived top side.
"Oi! Stay in your lane!," Bill said, trying to look stern, but devolving into laughter as well.
"You're such a showoff," Harry said with a shake of his head when she zoomed back toward him, taking a bow as she went.
"Just between you and me, this thing almost didn't make it," Penny said under her breath as she wiped several beads of nervous sweat from her face.
"Maybe you should try losing a few," Harry said ruthlessly before flying off out of her reach like a coward.
Though she tried, Penny had no chance of catching him if he did not want to be caught, so she gave up, feeling thoroughly irritated just as the glint of something gold caught her eye. The snitch was hovering in the middle hoop near Ron's head. Harry being too preoccupied with staying out of Penny's reach and on the other side of the field gave Penny the head start she needed for any chance at winning. She knew it would be no contest if he realized what she was doing too soon, but this was her one chance, so flattening herself low on the broom, she willed the ancient thing forward, and it obliged, barely.
Harry might not have noticed if it were not for Ron, that bastard, who yelled "Harry!" Turning, Harry was halfway to Penny in an instant Ron hovering, dumbstruck as he watched them streak toward him brown eyes wide. Penny was closing in, but not quickly enough, Harry almost to the end of her broom, his arm outstretched in anticipation, everyone yelling a different name. Knowing she would lose if she did not try something to throw Harry off his guard, Penny was overcome by a surge of impulsiveness. Her competitive nature getting the better of her, she pushed up with her hands on the broom, hoisting her feet onto the handle, and just as Harry was about to overtake her, Penny stood straight up and leapt from her broom, Ron howling in horror and zooming downward as soon as he realized they were on a collision course for him. His movement was very fortuitous for Penny, who, mid-air and losing height, was able to use his shoulder as a step and propel herself toward the hoop; Harry finally noticing what she'd done and yelling out at her.
The choice to leave her broom was certainly not an intelligent one, but Penny remained focused, stretching her reach beyond anything she ever had before, eyes fixed on the snitch, right hand found the cold, rusty ring, left hand scooping up the snitch as she passed. Screams, whether of victory, elation or terror followed her, the momentary rush of victory making her feel invincible. But then reality set in with the full force of gravity, laying bare what she had forgotten to consider in her calculations, as her right hand gave out under the strain gravity added to her weight and she slipped from the metal ring. Anticipating a sickening fall, she closed her eyes and found herself pleasantly surprised by the hand that caught her.
Her blessed, beautiful twin had the wherewithal to rescue Penny from the consequences of her stupidity and pulled her onto his broom before she plummeted to a plethora of broken bones. "You look a little too relieved to see me," he said, evidently irritated.
"Don't be a sore loser," she said, turning her head and kissing her twin on the cheek as he lowered her to the ground.
"Should have let her fall to the ground, Harry," said George.
"Penny! That was absolutely reckless!" Mrs. Weasley started, but her husband stopped her. "It was only a bit of fun, Molly. Don't you remember being 16? And she's fine."
"Could've died—" Mrs. Weasley persisted as Mr. Weasley dragged her inside, reminding her they had a birthday dinner to finish cooking.
"You're bloody insane," Ginny said as she hopped from her broom and raced over to throw her arms around Penny.
"I think you mean spectacular," Penny said, turning to Hermione, who looked very much like she wanted to lecture Penny but she did not get her chance because Bill cut in, wrapping his arm around Penny's neck and giving her a noogie. "Little cheat!"
"I won that fair and square!" Penny complained, trying to squirm free as the others laughed at her expense, Bill not at all inclined to release her.
"Come on Bill, that was a quidditch world-cup-move if I ever saw one and you know it!" argued Fred as he came to Penny's rescued and pried her free, straightening her up and beaming at her as though she were a bag of galleons.
"You're only saying that because you put money on her," George said pointedly.
"And for good reason, now fork it up," said Fred, extending his palm in expectation.
"Can't believe you bet against me, thought we were business partners," Penny said mutinously to George as they all made for the burrow and a glass of pumpkin juice that was waiting for them thanks to Mrs. Weasley.
"I love you, Penny, but you really defied the odds out there, must be the birthday luck."
"Luck! It's his birthday too," Penny said sourly, reaching for her cup when she froze.
Her eyes wandered to the table finding Mr. Weasley currently engaged in a very serious conversation with Mad-Eye Moody, Tonks and Lupin. Mrs. Weasley cleared her throat as the others entered, and four of them finished up their discussion, Remus smiling placidly, but avoiding eye contact as the others began to take a seat at the table beside them.
The change in his appearance was most startling for Penny, who had seen him passed out not but five hours prior. Sitting at the Weasley's table, no trace of the man she'd dragged unconscious from the pub seemed to remain. He still looked tired, to be sure, but that was not unusual, and he was showered, shaven and most importantly—sober. Penny hadn't had a conversation with a sober Lupin since the day Sirius died. A fact that both saddened her greatly and made her nervous if not afraid at the prospect.
Remus was the only person not to press her to explain what happened when she'd disappeared through the veil, while everyone, Snape included, tried every tactic to weasel the information from her, but to no avail because Penny had remained stubbornly silent and was all too willing to allow them all to believe she was in too much shock from losing Sirius to discuss the topic.
Fred gave her a curious look when she did not take the drink he offered her, rattling it in her face. "Earth to birthday girl."
"Sorry," she mumbled quickly, grabbing it and looking away from Remus, Fred eyeing her for a long moment before glancing back at the table knowingly.
"I won't be annoying and say I understand or ask you to talk about it, but I will be cliché and demand you enjoy your birthday because you only turn 16 once," Fred said, setting a party hat on her head and snapping the strap onto her chin making her yelp.
"That hurt!"
"Pretend all you want, Penny, but we both know you love it," Fred said, and with a wink he shoved her toward the table, the pair taking a seat opposite of Harry who sat next to Lupin.
"Happy birthday, Harry," Remus was saying, his body turned toward Harry, giving Penny the distinct impression he was looking for any reason to avoid speaking with her. "Sorry to bring such ill tidings on what is supposed to be a pleasant day," Lupin said, grasping Harry's shoulder affectionately. The gesture made Penny unreasonably angry, the jealousy in the pit of her stomach threatening to burst from her like a noxious gas.
"Has there been news, what's happened?" Harry said.
"They found Igor Karkaroff, or what was left of him, at least."
"The Death Eaters?"
"Seems so. Though it is surprising he made it so long. He's been in hiding for a year now, Regulus, Sirius's brother, only lived for a couple of days after betraying Voldemort, from what I remember."
The words hit Penny like a train, knocking the wind from her and sending the cup in her hand crashing to the floor, and in the process spilling pumpkin juice all over here before shattering on the floor. All eyes, except Remus' turning on her.
"Bloody hell," Penny said, instinctively as she jumped up. "I mean—" she stuttered, remembering where she was.
"Here, let me help you, you dear," Mrs. Weasley was saying as she got to her feet, concern and pity in those eyes of hers.
"Sorry, Mrs. Weasley, I think I might have hurt my hand out there, but I'll clear it up." Red faced and heart hammering, unable to ignore the looks of concern from Tonks and some of the others, Penny made for the dishcloths, her heart hammering so loud in her ears she almost couldn't make out Mrs. Weasley's response.
"Don't worry about it dear," she said with a flick of her wand. "Would you like me to look at your hand—"
"Oh no, I'm fine, honestly," Penny said quickly, picking up the newly restored glass and moving to the sink where she made a fuss of filling it with water and pretending to wipe the sticky juice from her skirt. Thankfully, the room returned to its conversation while Penny tried to steady herself against the sink, attempting to discreetly calm her breathing.
While she knew the others probably assumed the off-handed mention of Sirius was the cause for her obvious distress, and to be honest, it had surprised her, coming from Remus like speaking of Sirius was one of the easiest things in the world for him; what had really caught Penny off guard was the addition of Regulus. Guilt burned in the recesses of her heart; for not telling them; for not trusting them to believe her, but mostly for returning alone. How could Penny relay any of what Regulus had told her? How could she tell them that Sirius was happier now than he was with them—he wanted to go. Though she knew it was logically unreasonable, and an insult to Sirius' love for her, Penny carried this burden, being the one who had crossed, and felt very much responsible for Sirius' death. Some part of her still believed if she had just tried hard or gotten there sooner then Sirius would be sitting with them now.
Her vision swam before her, seeing again those handsome eyes that were so much like Sirius' and yet so vastly different, speaking words Penny wished she could banish from her mind, but was instead plagued by. Rubbing her face a few times, she filled her glass, feeling Harry's mind wandering in her direction. He was worried, he understood, but he did not know how to broach the subject because he and Penny had made an unspoken pact on those first few days after Sirius' passing not to mention him, and to avoid the topic at all costs if someone else were to bring him up.
Those grueling last days at Hogwarts that were so horribly reminiscent of last years' were spent together, hiding away from prying eyes and occupying themselves with moving, stopping, sitting, and kicking rocks into the lake, all in silence—anything to take their mind from that wretched, dull ache in their chests.
And then before they knew it, they'd returned to Privet Drive and at some point, laying on Harry's bed, staring at the ceiling and refusing meals Penny and her twin parted ways. Harry finding that resolve he was so known for amidst the pain and using it to focus himself on moving forward, while Penny, she drowned in the pain of her guilt, having no resilience left to fight. And so she let go and ran away to stay with the twins while Harry returned to the burrow and life with his his friends. While Penny missed her twin, she could not follow him there, and so she chose a world of strangers, losing herself in the crowd; in the highs the muggle drugs offered her; in lust-filled encounters—coming to the conclusion that love would never be her friend and was to be avoided at all cost. Love, Penny decided, it came as a thief in the night, when it knew you were most content, vulnerable, and it stole that which was most precious, leaving you nothing but the horrible ache its absence left, and the reminder it could always come again.
Finding herself spiraling into a pit she did not want the others to know she teetered on, Penny made a break for the toilet, locking herself inside and letting out a deep breath as she reached into her pocket, fingers rubbing the plastic bottle she found there as she tried to convince herself not to. She needed to cut down, to find other ways to cope, but today was not like the other days, and perhaps the extra help wasn't so awful seeing as she did not want to dampen the celebrations, she reasoned. But if she couldn't even handle this, this single day what was she going to do come the 1st of September?
Her impulses taking control again, her resolve faded without a fight and Penny popped the lid and threw two pills down her throat, closing her eyes as she smiled. It was July, she still had all of August to kick the habit. The feeling of the pills sliding past her tongue brought an instant relief, Penny's shuddering breathing slowing, and the ball in her chest settling. Memories of Regulus being pushed back below the surface where they belonged, Penny consoling herself by reminding herself that Remus' was wearing a mask too. He could smile and shave, and throw out Sirius' name like he was still himself, the emotional anchor they all relied on, but Penny had seen the truth, and she suspected that was why he could not look at her, because she forced him to acknowledge how that anchor had been ripped from the ocean floor and now it was he was being dragged into the depths of the ocean, Penny feeling he almost wished he would drown in it.
Without Remus, his love and his wisdom, they would both go down together, because Penny didn't know how to be strong for herself, much-less for him too. How was she going to pull him up when they were both drowning?
Wiping her eyes angrily, she gave a sniff and flushed the toilet. This was not the time for these thoughts, and taking a steadying breathing she opened the door and bounded out of the loo, crashing into someone as she went.
"Ow, sorry I didn't realize anyone was waiting—" Penny said, the small bottle still clutched in her hand escaping it and clattering to the floor, Penny freaking out and trying to scramble to pick it up when her eyes found Tonks, who already had it. "Yeah, I can see you were preoccupied," Tonks said, turning the little bottle over in their hand, today's dark brown eyes furrowing when they popped open the lid and inspected its contents.
"I can explain—"
"Fred sent me, and it seems his hunch was right," Tonks said, closing the lid and turning back to Penny. "I worked long enough with those goons from the Department of Magical Law Enforcement to know what these are capable of doing to a person, Penny, so I hope you'll understand why I can't give them back to you. But seeing as it's your birthday, I'll spare you a lecture I'm certain will accomplish nothing." Tonks went on, their voice softening as they reached a hand out to grasp Penny's shoulder. "You're not alone, Penny. You don't have to do this alone."
Staring at the floor, Penny only nodded, not knowing what to say. Tonk's words, they got too dangerously close to the topic of Sirius.
"And I don't just mean me. Fred cares a lot about you, let him."
"I know, it's just. . .complicated," Penny said quietly.
"And it always will be," Tonks smiled. "But Fred won't be around forever you know. Now, do try and enjoy yourself, won'cha?" Tonk's said, letting Penny go and pocketing her pills.
"Thanks Tonks"
Brain reeling with thoughts about whether Tonk's would tell the others, Penny rejoined the table, finding a plate full of way too much food waiting for her, and Fred and George trying to give her an inconspicuous side eye, which she pretended not to notice.
"French onion soup," she sighed in utter contentment as she began eating, Mrs. Weasley beaming when she asked for seconds, though she already felt full to bursting, but she could not give anyone anymore cause to be suspicious of her.
Penny joined several games of exploding snap, which she lost horribly to Ron, who turned out to be the reigning champion. After he was crowned, Penny was dragged around the table to sit between Lupin and Harry so Mrs. Weasley could bring out their cake, candles and all, Penny unable to ignore the way Lupin pretended to want more coffee though his cup was full and got up and did not return to his seat, and instead remained standing.
His avoidance was like a knife to her heart and made it extremely difficult to pretend to enjoy the festivities as all eyes were on her and Harry. Trying her best to shrug it off, her hand fidgeting with Harry's, she forced a smile on her red face as the room sang to them like they were little kids again, not that anyone ever sang to them when they were little, in-fact, before Hogwarts Harry and Penny used to take turns singing to the other twin, the only thing they were able to do in the confines of their cupboard.
Turning to her mortified twin, Penny couldn't help but notice how different Harry seemed, how much had changed in his face since he'd been that scrawny little kid? These days he looked at Penny with the burgeoning good looks of their father, and those green eyes that once were so full of enthusiasm now carried a weight, the weight of the world, and a secret that she suspected lingered between them. When was it that they had stopped sharing everything with each other? For most of her life, Harry had been her whole world and she his, so why hadn't she noticed when that changed?
What are we wishing for? Harry prodded into her mind.
Nothing, what's a wish gonna do for us?
Nothing with an attitude like that. . .
Attitude, I'm just being realistic.
Yeah well, how realistic was it when we got accepted to Hogwarts, hmm?
That was different. . .
No, it wasn't! I wished for it.
You wished to be a super baby who killed an evil dark wizard and to be accepted into a school for witchcraft? I somehow don't remember that one.
You're being obstinate, we wished to escape.
Yeah, well we didn't really escape, did we? We're still forced back every summer.
Oh c'mon, for old times' sake? For me?
Alright, let's wish not to step foot in the Hospital Wing once this year, I could get behind that wish.
Pretty sure that requires a sense of self-preservation, not a wish. Penny could feel Harry's scowl, but even as her high started to take effect, she could find nothing within herself that still held enough optimism for a wish.
If you want the wish, you can have both. No wish can give me what I want.
And what's that? He thought rather impatiently.
To go back.
You know—
Yes I know. So take the damn wish.
Fine. I'm wishing you find some better friends.
I already have friends—
But her protest came too late, Harry's hand was on the back of her head and pushing her face toward the three layered cake topped with two candles for the number 16. Laughing outwardly, Harry blew, Penny following suit, wanting very much to force his head into the cake, but thought better of it seeing as the others looked like they very much wanted a piece of Mrs. Weasley's famous chocolate cake.
After the cake was shared, everyone started to migrate to the garden for a cup of tea, which Penny offered to brew because she was growing weary of all the socializing. Sending Mrs. Weasley into the garden with the milk and sugar while Penny made for the pantry in the hall. Finding the tea she turned and was returning to the kitchen when Remus rounded the corner, almost colliding with Penny.
They both came to an abrupt stop, Remus eyes widening before looking quickly away from her, Penny shifting awkwardly. "Oh, hi,"
"Hi," he replied, a painful silence returning as they simply stood there, both at a loss for what should happen next.
Penny chanced a glance at him hoping that he might look at her back, but found him staring at hands, looking as though he were stuck half-way between staying and going. If she could just say something, anything, but it was Remus who managed to find his voice first. Clearing his throat he said "I really should be going, late and all." And with a half glance, and great pains to avoid touching her, he practically ran for the back door.
Something in Penny snapped watching him. Dropping the tea to the floor, she chased after him having no idea what she hoped to accomplish by doing so. His strides were long and fast and he was almost out of the magical enchantments when she reached for him, her hand finding his arm just as he apparated, pulling Penny alongside him.
As soon as they landed, he shrugged out of her grip, his features guarded. "Now isn't a good time, Penny."
"It never is with you lately. But bailing without so much as a happy birthday is a bit low, wouldn't you agree?" Penny said, the tight ball in the pit of her stomach squirming angrily. His inability to look at her was starting to drive her mad.
"I did you a disservice making you believe the world could stop any time you wanted to it, but things are different now, it's time to grow up and realize other people cannot be beholden to your every beck and call, we have other obligations," he said, the cruelty of his words hitting Penny like a blow to the head. But Penny saw through those calloused words, didn't miss how he turned away from her and ran before finishing them. She watched him for a moment, maybe it was wrong to push him, and maybe she was making things worse, but she'd come this far and wasn't ready to go home just yet.
Clenching her fists, she chased after him, slamming the porch door as she went, knowing exactly where she'd find him.
"Obligations, eh? You call this an obligation?" Penny said venomously as she tore the bottle of liquor from his hand.
"Give it back, Penny, I'm not in the mood," Lupin said in a low voice, brown eyes finally looking at her. In them she found no warmth, only a skittishness warriness.
"Manners, Remus. It's my birthday, and seeing as I paid for this, won't you at least offer me the first drink?" she said coldly, uncorking the top and taking a long swig. Letting the burning settle in her throat, she swirled the bottle lazily, pretending to be considering whether she wanted another drink or not.
"You've had your tantrum, now return it, I don't want to have to take it from you."
"Is that any way to treat the person who saved your ass from those Death Eaters last night?" Penny chided, hopping lazily onto the kitchen table, legs dangling childishly as she watched him, her heart full of anger, betrayal, abandonment.
"What are you talking about," Lupin said slowly, unable to stop his eyes from trailing away from her face and fixing on the bottle in her hand.
"Seeing as by the time I arrived you were too drunk to stand, I suppose it makes sense you wouldn't remember. But the Death Eaters raided your little pub last night, and Amycus Carrow recognized you, but I'll save you the boorish details."
"If they knew who I was then why am I here and not—"
"Funny story that," Penny said, turning the bottle over in her hand. "It happened to be your luck that they recognized me too, and it seems I'm the more fascinating of the pair."
"If you're looking to make a point, Penny, then make it."
She considered him for a long moment, her eyes finding the several beads of sweat rolling down his face, the shaking hands that hung, clenched at his sides. He was a sore sight compared to the couple of hours prior, making Penny wonder just how long had he been looking for his escape. The fact that he would pretend for them, be the Remus they wanted, but not for her, it made her want to rail against him, but something in his eyes reminded her of Snape's warning, and she decided not to be reckless for the first time that day.
"The point doesn't matter, Remus," Penny sighed, setting the bottle down beside her and looking toward the kitchen window. "You know, I said to myself today when we were sitting at the Weasley's table and you would not so much as look at me, sparking up a conversation with every other individual there so as to avoid me, laughing as though everything is as it should be; I said, who am I to be upset with him for pushing me away, for keeping whatever he likes from me when I am guilty of the same?" she said turning back to him, finding him also peering out the window, looking almost ashamed of himself. "So I thought, in the spirit of good faith I should come clean and then maybe. . .well, the ball is in your court after that," said Penny.
"Whatever this is, there is no need," he said, taking a step toward Penny, the softness in his voice startling her. It was the voice of the man she just wanted to have back, the sound her heart longed for most. And for a single blissful second, she was fooled by it, her heart elated to be fed the idea that she had reached him somehow, but when she looked up, her heart skipping a beat, she found not the man she needed and loved. What she found was the desperate, lying, unmoved creature he'd become, the one that refused her entry to the heart he had always so openly shared with her. The hand reaching for her cheek part of his twisted a deception, nothing more than a decoy. Jaw clenched, Penny grabbed the bottle before his other hand could reach it. "I'm trying to talk to you, Remus! Is this honestly all you can think about? Does nothing else matter to you anymore?" she said not bothering to remove the derision from her voice.
"If we're being honest, then yes! For fucks sake, yes!" he yelled, finally losing his temper. "I've tried to be polite, Penny, I really have, but I don't know how to make it any plainer to you that I just don't care."
Again, his brown eyes avoided hers as he uttered the words so coldly, his left hand still outstretched, waiting for the bottle, the lines around his mouth deepening, trying to conceal whatever it was he was hiding from her.
"That's bullshit, Remus," Penny whispered at first, the corner of her eyes burning before she bellowed, "Bullshit!" her chest heaving and startling even Remus. "You know what I think the problem is, you wish you didn't care, that you could shut it off. And so you're trying to force it, afraid that if you don't keep the facade up you'll have to confront the bitter, grueling, and all consuming pain of it. But you aren't alone, Remus, I'm here, I was there—"
"And if it's you I don't want or need right now, what then, Penny? You'll make up any excuse to convince yourself of anything but the truth. But maybe I'm just tired of all the problems you bring and how you expect me to clear them up."
"Liar. You don't mean that," she breathed, tears openly sliding down her face. "You're trying to push me away because you want—"
"What I want is for you to leave me be! I understand it's a hard time for you, but you aren't my problem—"
"Problem? Listen to yourself! We've been friends since the day we met, more than friends! You can't just erase—"
"No, you listen. I don't take pleasure in hurting your feelings, but you've really left no options—"
"Sirius is dead, Remus! Dead! We both loved him and have coped differently, but you have to know it's alright not to be okay. I won't let you stand there and patronize me like I'm some crazy girlfriend you're trying to break up with when I know the pain you're harboring!"
She was reaching for his hand, her green eyes pleading with him to relent, to let her words reach him. But they only had the opposite effect, Remus catching her wrist with a painful grasp, the lines on his face hardening.
"You don't know, Penny. Maybe making up this elaborate story of me being consumed by grief is how you're dealing with your own, but until you showed up I was getting on just fine."
"You call drinking yourself into oblivion every night while I pay your bar tab, getting on?" Penny sneered, the pain of his rejection searing her tender heart.
The grip around her wrist, if possible, tightened, Lupin stepping forward into her space, emanating anger.
"I've been patient," he said, his other hand reaching for the bottle and grasping it. "But I'm through asking."
The man looming over her, he wasn't Remus Lupin, not the man who had always so tenderly cared for her. This was a stranger. The man she knew had gone elsewhere and Penny did not know how to find him, to make him hear her calling for him. But she hated this new man with his cruel, calloused words and emotional distance. He made her feel helpless, like a silly child who did not yet understand the world. But she did understand, and more than he wanted to admit. She understood why he'd taken this path, and more importantly why he couldn't get off.
Clenching her teeth, she ripped her hand free of his grasp, and with both hands she shoved him away from her with all her strength. "So have I," she growled, and turning she threw the bottle at the wall where it exploded, then used her magic so the mess disappeared, preventing him from putting it back together.
Almost in unison with the bottle's implosion, Lupin spun around and with a scream of frustration picked up the chair beside him, swinging it and smashing it against the wall. Terrified by his aggressive outburst, Penny made a mad dash for the kitchen door. Now was the time to leave, she was sure.
"Oh, no, no, no," Lupin said, catching her wrist before she could make it past him. "You wanted to talk, so let's talk," he said, turning his deranged features on her.
"I'm leaving, Remus," Penny said, voice shaking.
"You want to know the truth, well here it is. I watched you both disappear through that veil, felt my heart torn from my chest twice, within less than a minute of each other. But then, before I could even process what had happened, you returned, and I should have felt relieved and could not figure out why I didn't," he said, pulling her closer to him.
"Stop, Remus, please just stop," Penny pleaded through her tears.
"You lived, got a second chance, and I'm happy for you, even-still, I couldn't help but wish. . .it had been him."
"You don't mean it," Penny choked, looking anywhere but at the cold, vacant eyes looking back at her, struggling to get free of his grasp.
"But I do. Do you understand what looking at you does to me? Could you possibly understand how you have become the eternal reminder that—"
"She told you to stop," came a furious voice from the doorway. "I swear to Merlin, if you don't let her go now, Remus, you'll regret it even more than the lies your cowardice just compelled you to tell her lest the love she has for you forces you to face the utter mess you've made," Tonks went on, stepping up beside Penny, placing their left hand threateningly on Remus', their right holding the wand that was now pointed at Lupin.
Tonk's entry seemed to jar Remus' back to the present, the anger in his eyes rapidly fading, a startled, disgusted expression replacing it as he registered the pair of them, lingering momentarily on the sobbing Penny as though he only just realized she was there. His hand releasing her as though he'd been burned by her, his mouth opening as though he intended to say something, but no sound came out, instead he just continued to stare, his hands finding his hair and pulling as though to see for himself if this was a dream or not. When he got his answer, he backed away slowly, tears now making their way down his own face as bleary green eyes held the brown that were desperately trying to remember their warmth.
And then he turned, his hands grabbing the sink behind him and began retching, his whole body shaking as he did so.
"You okay?" Tonks said, coaxing sobbing, shaking Penny around to peer into her eyes. Still too choked up, Penny merely nodded, Tonks frowning at her. "Of course you're not. Neither of you are. But you will be, I promise you that. If you wait outside for me, I'll take you home after I exchange a few words with the royal fuck— up over here."
"O-okay," Penny said, her voice hoarse, eyes glancing back at Remus as he continued to choke on his vomit.
Unable to endure the sound of it a moment longer, Penny turned and raced for the yard, every step she took making her want to take ten more. When she finally stopped, the weight of it all came crashing down on her, dragging her into the depths of her despair.
For most of Penny's life, she'd had to figure out how to cope with her sadness alone, hardened herself to the fact she was parentless, even withdrawn herself in order to protect herself from experiencing the pain that kind of loss brings.
But then she'd met Remus Lupin, who was like the sun, showing her she was a flower by beckoning her to bloom. Unable to resist his infectious love, Penny bloomed for him, soaking in all that Remus offered her. He'd loved her so unconditionally, putting her back together when she never thought possible, and loving those parts of her she was often too scared to share with others. Remus had been the first, the first person Penny had ever allowed herself to relax around, to love. In Penny's heart, there was no one like him, he was her first love, the parent she so needed when she had none.
Trying to process his words; those vile words; the words she feared most; the words that mimicked her own feelings—it should have been Sirius who returned, not her. But in her childish heart she'd thought her and Remus were unbreakable, weren't they? Or was the truth that, like Sirius, Remus didn't need her the way she needed him. Was the truth that she couldn't help him during his darkest hour?
Penny did not want to see the answer of this question written on Tonk's face, could not bear to see it. So like a coward, she turned on her heel.
She appeared again under the orange glow of a street light, the noise of London obscene compared to the quiet of Remus' little cottage farm, but truth was, it was a relief. Penny wanted to get lost in this noise, so she turned, walking down a street she traversed almost nightly since she'd begun staying with the twins.
Even if she didn't know the way, Penny need only follow the sound of music, the Queen's Head pub being a frequenter of all the local artists looking to try and make it. Walking inside she found it brimming with people, a true feat for this time of night on a Tuesday. But looking toward the stage, she saw why so many had shown up, the local favorites, the Corroded Coffins were playing. Taking a seat in the corner, Penny allowed herself to be swallowed by the unrelenting demand of the music, her eyes fixed on the guitarist.
Just like the first time Penny had laid eyes on him, he was in his own world, on another plane of existence; just him, his guitar, and the rawness of that which spewed forth from him. Watching him, Penny felt envious of him, of his ability to be completely and utterly consumed by his craft, able, even for a song, to step away from the confines of himself. Ed, with his dark curly hair and kind brown eyes, he beckoned her, offering Penny a freedom she had never imagined before.
She did not know how long she sat there, but the crowd was much smaller when a hand touched her shoulder.
"You've been here this whole time and never came to say hello. I'm wounded, Penny. What am I, now, just your drug dealer?" the brown-haired boy said, clutching his heart in a very vivid display of devastation.
"You know it's not like that, Ed. It's just been, a day," Penny said sighed.
"Uh yeah, I bet it has, being your birthday and all," he said, giving her a little side-eye that made Penny laugh.
"I told you it was a family thing," Penny said.
"Since when can't you take your drug dealer to a family thing? You Brits are so behind the times," Ed said, offering her a begrudging hand.
"And you Americans are outlandish. But the night is young," Penny said, taking accepting it and dragging him toward the door laughing as she went, Ed's good mood being too infectious even for her to resist.
"And horrendously wet. When they said you guys have awful weather, they weren't lying," Ed said, wrapping an arm around Penny's waist to pull her close as he shivered against the rain.
"Sorry, love, guess you'll just have to accept a summer of bad hair."
"It's not getting frizzy is it?" Ed said in alarm, his hands reaching to flatten his wild curls.
"No, Mr. High Maintenance," Penny said with my eye roll.
"What? I have appearances to keep up, being an aspiring rockstar and all. But anyway, what's up?" Ed said, those dark-brown eyes of his glancing over at her and making her feel like there was nothing but a curtain standing between him and the barebones of her soul.
"Nothing," Penny lied, quickly.
"That's a bold-faced lie if I've ever heard one."
"How do you know?"
"Because you've developed a few more frown lines since the last time I saw you," he said, poking the side of her cheek with a smile.
"Shut up," Penny said, unable to stop herself from smiling. "But honestly, I just want to forget about it."
"You need a distraction? Why didn't you say!" he said, stepping dramatically out in front of her. "I know exactly what you need, a spectacularly romantic kiss in the rain from none other than yours truly," he said, biting his lip as she stepped forward, his hands slipping into his pockets as he bounded on the balls of his feet before leaning tentatively toward her, amused eyes looking at her lips
"Must you have chosen such a tediously mundane muggle?" a bored voice said from behind Penny.
Groaning internally, Penny closed her eyes, the man had impeccable timing, impeccably horrendous. His hands leaving his pocket and moving protectively to her shoulder, Ed looked at their intruder. "Excuse me buddy, if you hadn't noticed, I'm busy making her dreams come true, so if you could keep the commentary to yourself—"
"My mistake, I hadn't realized you dreamed of disappointment, Potter."
"You know Penny?" Ed called, and then looking down at Penny, "Do you know this guy? Just who the hell is he?"
"I could ask the same of you," Snape sneered, Penny pulling free of Ed to face her Potions Master and finding him leaning lazily against a lamp post, arms crossed and looking decidedly away from the pair of them.
"You've really outdone yourself with the stalking, haven't you?" Penny said in annoyance.
"What is a fiancé for?" Snape said, laying a delicate inflection on the word fiancé.
"Fiancé, you never mentioned—" Ed said, looking between the two, his face reddening
"No, I don't imagine she would if she were just using you to satiate her baser instincts," Snape drawled, straightening himself.
"Sorry, Ed, it's, erm, complicated. I never got the chance," Penny said apologetically, grasping his hand in hers and giving it a reassuring squeeze.
"Nah, I get it Penny. Polyamory, that's rad, I dig it," Ed said, his smile faltering slightly as he ran his hand through his hair. "But isn't he a bit," he paused, glancing at Snape again before leaning his head toward her and whispering "Old?"
Penny had to stifle a laugh as Snape clicked his tongue in annoyance. The situation was spiraling out of her control, and she did not want Snape's impatience to ruin the good thing she had going with Ed, but even still she could not help the snark that slipped from her mouth.
"I find myself asking the same thing all the time," Penny said, giving Snape a smirk.
"Yes, well, old or not, it's my turn and I'm in a hurry," Snape said, voice dripping with impatience.
"Penny, I don't think—"
"It's fine, Ed, really," she said and getting on her tiptoes she kissed him on his cheek. "And Thanks for tonight."
"For what? We didn't get to do anything," he said, bewildered when she pulled away.
"For playing for me," Penny said, smiling at him before making toward Snape who was already walking away.
"Oh! Happy birthday then. And I meant it, I totally dig polyamory," he called after her, Penny wishing she could bury herself alive when she caught up to Snape.
"Don't you have better things to do than cockblock?" Penny raged when they'd made it around the corner and out of sight.
"Perhaps if you had decent taste, I would," Snape said, testily, looking thoroughly annoyed.
"You're trying to be obstinate, there's nothing wrong with Ed."
"Oh yes, except for his lack of any original thoughts, and the fact he's been selling you illegal narcotics, he's otherwise a real gem," Snape said, coldly, stopping to fix Penny with his dark eyes.
"Because you're a real upgrade?" Penny challenged mutinously.
"Seeing as I am motivated by something other than getting into your pants, yes, Potter, I am!"
"You say that like I am not wholly enthused by the idea of having Ed in my pants."
The vein throbbing dangerously in his neck, Snape held out his shaking hand.
"Take it and shut up now, Potter, or birthday or not I will go back there and obliviate him!" Snape seethed.
Wanting very much to kick him in the shin and leave him raging on the street, Penny took his hand and did her best to bury her irritation for Ed's sake.
Apparition was quickly becoming an everyday part of Penny's life, and landing, even on the unsteady ground, Penny remained upright, though she still felt disoriented being thrust into sudden darkness. Confused and slightly alarmed by a thunderous noise, she grasped Snape's hand a little tighter, taking an instinctive step towards him while her eyes tried to figure out where he'd taken her.
His hand curling around hers, he led her toward the sound, Penny realizing it was that of waves. Breath catching in her chest, Penny gazed at the water, she'd never seen the ocean before though she had always dreamed of going with Harry.
"You're so cheesy, you know," Penny said, trying to pretend to be less impressed than she actually was. Thankfully, the darkness did most of the work, so Penny's look of rapture could not betray her.
"Well judging by wonder boy, it seems to be your taste," Snape said, shocking Penny and taking a seat in the sand, the grimy, dirty, get-everywhere-sand.
Penny merely gaped at him, something that must have irritated him, because his hand reached up and yanked her down, sending her tumbling into a heap.
"You interrupted my date to drag me with you to sit on this cold, wet beach," Penny said, spitting sand from her mouth, annoyed again and determined not to give him the satisfaction of knowing he'd actually done something nice.
Again his hand reached out, finding Penny's shoulder and pulling her close enough to him that he could wrap his arm over it and in doing so, draped his cloak over her to keep her warm, Penny leaning into him despite herself.
"While I may not be an aspiring rockstar with no talent and a horrendous accent, I am fully aware that fifteen of your birthdays have come and gone without me—but not this one. I will see the day break on this one," Snape said, in what was a shockingly emotional, though characteristically underhanded, sentiment.
His hand still on her shoulder, the tired heart in Penny's heart pattered erratically at these words. There was something in the way he'd delivered his words that left a tingling sensation in her fingers and toes. In admitting his regrets, Severus Snape had exposed those feelings which he had so often insisted on keeping to himself and even denying. His words found Penny in that desolate place she'd banished herself to and told her this day mattered, if not to her, then to him. And despite it having been long and riddled with agony, sitting side-by-side with Snape, the hand she held vibrating soothingly, the smell of bergamot intoxicating her senses with nostalgia; she couldn't help but loath her birthday little less.
The pair of them sat in their silence allowing the the ocean and the crackling of the small fire Snape conjured to do the conversing for them as their hearts met somewhere in the darkness, exchanging the unsaid understanding, that even if nothing was the same, and the majority of the time things continued to hurt, they could find reprieve in this—in each other.
The rising sun promised them that, and they were too desperate to doubt her.
This was hard for me. Remus Lupin is my comfort character and as you have all probably noticed he very often gets plot armor from me and can do no wrong...lol WHAT CAN I SAY.
But I thought long and hard about how Remus would handle losing Sirius for the second time, and I felt considering the lycanthropy, and that he is allowed to be a struggling human too, I wanted to depict a totally broken man who does things he regrets. It's awful for Penny, but it's also a moment I think for her to grow up a bit and leave this crush she has for him behind and learn how to be the person who does the supporting.
As for Tonks, I will stick to cannon in part, and thats to say there will be something, and there will be Teddy, but there won't be a marriage and I'll make changes.
Alright that's all from, until next week!