HI FRIENDS! i'm back and no, I haven't abandoned this story!
Sorry for the hiatus, I finally got a job YAY. So I needed some time to get adjusted to the new routine and not feel overly stressed. I feel like I have the swing of things now and finally got a chance to finish the chapter! After this we will be moving pretty quickly into the new year (Cannot waaitt) Slug Club and some time with Penny and Hermione is what I am looking for! That and the Draco/Penny reunion!
Hope you are all well and I appreciate you being patient with me. This past August was the 2 year mark of me writing this story it's pretty crazy and I couldn't have done it without you all!
The rain had kicked in full ferocity by the time Penny and Snape broke apart and returned to Spinner's end. Pausing just shy of the porch, Penny looked up and closed her eyes, allowing the water to run over her face. With each patter she sank a little further within herself. She was the cause for this, this growing storm that threatened to engulf them all. The sun would not return because misery and despair had been strengthened—by her.
It wasn't supposed to be this way, none of it. The chaotic nature of it all frustrated her, mostly because Penny could not pinpoint the moment she'd lost control. The moment her life had been turned upside down. She tried to remember who she'd been before it all. Who was that person who's only wish had been to see Sirius' name cleared, and dreamed of the day she and Harry could move in with him and finally be a real family? She couldn't remember what it felt like when the only thing she worried about were her grades and the only pain she endured was feeling that Snape unjustly ridiculed her.
Those simple days, free from the depths of her despair were as far from her as the stars the clouds hid from her now. What was she to hope for anymore? Survival for survival's sake, Penny realized, was a slow, agonizing way to die. If she could not find enough pieces of herself to put back together into something coherent, what was the point?
Amid her attempts to be swallowed by her dangerously wandering thoughts, something inordinately soft and smelling of roses brushed across her face. Opening her eyes, Penny learned it was a towel. Snape was before her, uselessly wiping the rain from her cheeks, standing there with his own towel draped carelessly across his shoulder, as though he had been in the middle of drying himself.
He'd foregone his shirt in the time she'd spent here, succumbing to her misery, so while he kept the barrage of rain from her face, she watched the many drops of rain travel their way down his sleek form, unable to stop herself from lingering on his chest and then the muscles that rippled across his abdomen. The smooth, milky skin was much too alluring, and Penny finally pinpointed why—he had none of that customary hair the teenage boys her age often liked to compare etched across it. Penny found she quite preferred Snape's smooth form to theirs and wondered idly if he waxed it off, or if he was just born with such perfection. It would not surprise her, after all, Snape already had cunning intelligence and those dark handsome features of his, of course he would possess the trifecta of allure.
Forcing her brain to focus on something other than how much his unclothed body pleased her eyes, especially after what just happened at the Malfoy Manor, she pondered why this neat freak of a man had opted to stand here in the rain with her and not selected his usual course of action, which was to berate her and drag her inside. Penny's eyes, very begrudgingly, found their way back to his face before he noticed her lingering gaze.
It was reflected back in his dark eyes that she realized she was crying, and that they were not raindrops he was wiping from her cheek.
"I should go," Penny said, taking a sudden step away from the man.
"Don't be ridiculous. It's the middle of the night—"
"And I haven't been home or spoken to anyone since Lupins," Penny said, her voice constricting at the mention of his name.
Snape's eyes narrowed in an attempt to discover that which Penny would prefer not to get into with him.
"Home," he repeated softly, lip curling in displeasure as he did so.
"You know what I meant, I've been staying with Fred and George and they'll worry—" Penny said, feeling a twinge of guilt as she looked away from him, knowing they were both thinking about to the day he gave her that key.
"Because sending them an owl would not suffice to placate that worry," he drawled. "You need not have wasted your breath lying before if you were going to make it this plain how eager you are to escape my company."
"I didn't say that," Penny said, affronted.
"Didn't you?"
"No, I didn't, you did," Penny said firmly. "But I do wonder why I ever bother when you refuse to believe me anyway. It's like you think letting someone care for you, and Merlin forbid, caring for them in return is some kind of weakness—"
"Because it is!"
"Well, at least that was honest," Penny said dubiously.
"Don't act so self-righteous, not when you have spent the last two months self-medicating and avoiding those who do care for you."
"Ed does care for me, as do Fred and George! I understand it must be hard for you to imagine your perfect, obedient Penny has finally decided to make her own decisions, but that hardly qualifies me as an emotional recluse."
"Care for you!" Snape said with a compulsive sneer. "I am curious to know how it is that muggle boy is capable of caring for you when he knows absolutely nothing about you! Or is he not curious why it is you use him for those muggle pills."
"I'm hardly using him. You know, it's not all that uncommon for people to take these recreationally. But I suppose one as old as you wouldn't know that. I think you should acknowledge you're projecting, not all of us have become as cynical as you about love—"
"Projecting am I," he said quietly. "Then look me in the eye and tell me you aren't taking them to forget what you saw in that veil; that you don't wake up every morning wishing for anything to take that dull ache away. You can't tell me you haven't realized after the Diggory boy and Black that the cause of the worst of misery is love!"
"Love? Love didn't cause this, love didn't kill them, your Lord and friend, Bellatrix did! But how convenient of you to ignore that point."
"Everyone dies, Potter! How they left is irrelevant, the pain—"
"How can you say that with a straight face," Penny said, her voice frosty, and jaw clenched. "Cedric was 17, 17, killed in cold blood, and for what? He should have graduated, lived an entire life before death ever came for him. And Sirius, he'd finally found his freedom after being wrongly imprisoned for 13 years. Their deaths were a tragedy, caused by senseless cruelty, not the natural course of life. So don't you dare try to diminish the pain of that loss." Her tears were free, but there was no way to stop them, so Penny didn't bother. Her wounds were too fresh, too deep and she refused to be ashamed of them.
"Tragedy is a part of life, Potter. Whether by another's hand or an accident, are not people always robbed of their loved ones sooner than what seems fair? Or do you imagine your case is the exception, because I can assure you, murder or not, your love for them would ensure you feel that loss into the bitter recesses of your soul. There is no escape."
"Is that it? Do you wish for escape? To be rid of whatever this"—she motioned between them two of them— "is and return to your life as it was before?" Penny said, taking a step forward.
Snape took a step away from Penny, his eyes uncustomarily averting downward, as though wary of her like she typically was him, but she continued her advance regardless.
"Your point does not require the theatrics," he said in a stony voice, looking as though he regretted ever getting into this conversation.
"That's not an answer to my question. Tell me truly, was your life better without me when you didn't have to live with the torment of love?" she pressed, eyebrow arched and feet planted in his personal bubble, looking up at him with eyes blazing.
"No you imbecile! But do you imagine seeing you like this doesn't make me wish I could tear the heart right out of my chest! The emptiness of grief is nothing, Potter! Nothing compared to enduring being so utterly useless as you suffer so!"
"Useless," Penny all but shouted incredulously.. "You're the imbecile if you haven't realized you're the only person who makes me feel like maybe I haven't been cursed to some half-life! Only you could have pulled me back from my despair back there. I would have given up without you, many times over! Just because you can't wave your wand and make it all go away doesn't mean you aren't the person I need most right now—"
"Don't try to sell me half-truths. Not when I have been forced to watch you chase that drunken fool of a half-breed around while pushing me away!" Snape accused.
"Because I thought I could help him, and you can't pretend you had any love for Sirius. What did you expect me to do, show up and reminisce about someone I'm sure you're happier is dead?"
"Believe that my feelings for Black would have been irrelevant in the wake of your needs! I know you may find this hard to believe, but I take no pleasure in senseless death, not even of one as arrogant as Black."
"That's not what I was saying—"
"You didn't need to, choosing the company of an incoherent drunk said it all."
"It wasn't like that—"
"TELL THE TRUTH," Snape bellowed, chest heaving, startling Penny into silence.
She watched him a moment, his eyes bulging with fury, seeing all that which she thought she'd been keeping from him. But really all she'd accomplished was to hurt the men yet again. Watching him filled her with a regret she could stand even less than speaking the horrid truth.
"I-you-you couldn't absolve me," Penny said, voice shaking.
"Absolve you, he was killed! What could you have possibly—"
"I found him on the other side! He was there!" Penny cut across him. "I know you and everyone else will think I've lost my marbles, and I sure as hell can't explain it, but what was on the other side of the veil was as real as you and me."
Chancing a glance at Snape before she went on, Penny realized the rain had stopped, but Snape's chest still glistened against the orangish glow of the street lights. His long wet locks of hair sticking to the sides of his face and the anger in his eyes long abated. Now they held an unnatural stillness, as though he were hanging on her every word.
"I found him in this field, he had not yet made it to the bridge where you crossover. B-but I was too late, I-I couldn't s-stop him, couldn't make him hear me," Penny said, eyes on the ground now, fat teardrops rolling off the edge of her nose and getting lost in the puddle.
"Whatever responsibility you have imagined for yourself is a lie. No one could hold you accountable for Black's—
"And yet they do!"
"Who might they be," Snape said quietly, his hand finding her chin and forcing her to look at him so she could not hide the truth from him.
The truth was lodged in her throat, trying to wiggle its way back down into the recesses of her heart, but the acidicness of it burned her esophagus and made her want to be free of it. She could not and did not want to keep this to herself. "Remus—" she said, voice faltering.
"The half-breed?" Snape said in almost a laugh that cut at Penny's heart and made her cheeks burn with embarrassment. "Don't be ridiculous, Potter, the only thing he has ever cared for other than Black is you. Not even I could—"
"Yeah well, I heard him say it with my own ears," Penny said angrily.
"And what exactly did you hear him say," said Snape.
Penny suddenly regretted ever opening her mouth. Imagining releasing such a vile memory was much easier than actually reliving it to another person. It did not help that she still hadn't had any time to process it either. With everything going on, she hadn't even been able to figure out how she felt—angry? Guilty? Or maybe just nothing. Was there anything even left in her to hurt anymore?
"He came to my and Harry's birthday party, but he ignored me so I followed him—" Penny said, suddenly finding it difficult to use her mouth.
"Go on."
"I wanted us to talk about it. Sirius, I mean. But he wasn't interested in anything other than drinking. And, well, I was rather harsh."
"Nothing he didn't deserve, I imagine."
Ignoring Snape's snark, Penny went on. "When I broke the bottle, he lost it. I've never seen him like that. It was like he was a different person," Penny said, frowning subconsciously as she watched it all play out again before her eyes, not noticing how Snape's features changed.
"Did he touch you," Snape demanded suddenly, startling Penny with his fury.
"What? No! I mean, kind of?"
"Those answers are contrary, Potter. So which was it! Did he or did he not lay a hand on you in his rage?"
"It's not like he hit him," Penny said, feeling oddly shaken by the turn in Snape's mood. "He grabbed me when I said I was leaving and that's when he said. . ." Penny trailed off, no longer able to meet Snape's gaze, so she pulled away from his hold on her chin, unwilling to share her feelings with him at this moment. "—That everytime he looks at me he wishes it had been Sirius and not me."
The silence was deafening, broken only by the surge of blood pulsing through Penny's veins to the open wound in her heart that throbbed painfully at this admission. It was the place where her love for Remus had once resided. With his absence, Penny wondered if anything of her heart even remained.
A hand on Penny's shoulder pushing her out of the way pulled her from the memory of that vile conversation, Snape making his way around her and furiously toward the street.
"Where are you going?" Penny said weakly, reaching for his wrist.
"To pay that beast a house visit," he snarled, pausing in his tirade so as not to hurt her in his rage and allowing her to turn him back to face her.
"You're not even dressed," Penny argued lamely.
"Fine, if that's your only quarrel." Reaching in the pocket of his pants, he had his wand out in an instant, flicking it and making a white t-shirt appear. Pulling free of her grasp, he tugged it over his head, distracting her momentarily as the muscles along his sides flexed as he did so.
"You'll accomplish nothing when you're this angry," Penny said, reaching again for Snape in an attempt to drag him inside, but his pincer-like grasp on her wrist stopped her. He gave her one good tug and sent her stumbling toward him as he bent low, face inches from hers.
"Oh, you cannot fathom how angry I am, Potter. But I assure you, I will accomplish exactly what I intend to," he breathed.
"If you think I'm letting you—"
"Not this time. You will grant me this one wish because you have never denied any of his. And it is I who will not allow you to defend him, not when his reprehensible actions make him so undeserving of your protection," Snape said, voice shaking and fingernails digging into Penny's wrist.
Penny had seen Snape angry, furious even. But this was different, he was beyond any kind of comprehensible anger Penny had seen before. The only word she felt might come close to describing what he was in this moment was was murderous. Though the guilt in her chest told her she should protest, try harder to stop him; she could not bring herself to do it, to further jeopardize her relationship with Snape for Remus' sake. So she nodded, her eyes entranced by the vastness of the dark wells that sucked her into their depths.
"Good," he said softly, and as he straightened himself he paused, his soft lips finding Penny's forehead, making the breath catch in her chest. His hand squeezed her wrist gently as he pulled away just far enough to whisper "It is he who requires your absolution and may you never give it to him."
The door behind Penny thudded shut, making her jump and by the time she found her voice, he was standing in the street watching her like he was allowing her a parting word.
"C-can I come back and. . .talk" Penny called, desperate to feel they weren't parting on a bad note.
"You have a key, Potter. How am I to stop you from showing up whenever you please."
"But. . .Do you want me to?"
"Would I have given you a key if I didn't."
"You know, if your aim was to get me to talk to you more, maybe you should try making these things a bit less torturous," Penny said irritably.
He considered her for a long moment before he looked upward as she had when they'd arrived, surveying the raindrops that were trying to return to their downpour. "It is a misery I utterly detest—watching a door that never opens. The sound of that lock clicking would be a welcome reprieve."
And with that, he turned on his heel and was gone, leaving Penny shaking her head, an involuntary smile spreading across her lips.
"You insufferable man. And here I thought we were making progress,"she yelled into the empty street, sending a rat scurrying from a turned over garbage bin.
In a much-too-hot shower, Penny burned off the last couple of day's events. Too much had happened in such a short span of time that she did not know what to think nor how she was supposed to react. Part of her wanted to scream in rage into the shower for what occurred at the Malfoy's, but she thought better of it, not wanting to wake Fred and George
Penny had not believed Voldemort could make himself any more vile than he already was, but between what he made Snape and Penny do, she found herself loathing him even more, and worrying what future encounters would be like. Since she was 'engaged' to Snape, would his playing with them get more unscrupulous? Penny did not want to find out, nor did she want to be a prisoner to these thoughts a moment longer. So she got dressed and intended to make a visit to Ed in hopes of restocking the supply Tonks had taken off her, but a voice called from the dark kitchen as she tried to tip-toe past.
"You just got in and you're leaving again," Fred said, sounding remarkably like Mrs. Weasley.
"I thought you were asleep," Penny said sheepishly, stepping into the kitchen and finding Fred sitting at the bench with a steaming mug in front of him and another beside him.
"And I thought you were dead," he said, nodding to the chair beside him.
"Hot chocolate doesn't strike me as a summer night beverage of choice," Penny said, trying to shamelessly change the subject.
"No, but mum always used to make when she wanted us to know she was there to listen if we needed her."
"Oh," Penny murmured. She hadn't expected that answer and found herself quite moved by the fact that Fred associated the kind of affection he had for her with that which his mother so attentively showed to him.
"Look, Penny," Fred said, setting his mug down and swinging on his stool to face her. "I am the last person to judge your life-style choices. Hell, I've done far worse than what you're taking. But I just can't sit by silently any longer."
"If you're going to tell me to stop. Tonks already beat you to it," Penny said into her cup.
"I'm sure the advice Tonks gave you was well intentioned, but seeing as she works for the ministry I reckon she runs a bit on the dramatic side. If you want to do drugs, bloody brilliant, I'm more than happy to have a bender with you anytime you're keen. But I don't think this is you."
Penny could not hide in her cup forever, so she set it down slowly and turned to him.
"I can't rightly know if it's me unless I try," Penny said, knowing full well hers was a bad faith argument.
"I would agree with you, if not for the timing," Fred said, looking thoroughly unamused with her.
"And when exactly is the correct timing?"
"Penny—" Fred started before stopping and turning back to the countertop where he grabbed a bag of marshmallows and began plopping them into her cup. "I don't know what you're feeling, Penny but I feel as though the others have spent a stupid amount of time trying to figure this whole veil thing out—but hell, Penny, Sirius was your family, I'd be shattered."
They were the words Penny had not expected. She was prepared for the disapproval and demands she quit, she'd been prepared to lie about her drug use for far too long, having expected Harry to notice much sooner. But here Fred sat before her, his normally mischievous and jovial features creased in worry—attempting to broach a topic no one had yet done. He wasn't interested in her drug use, or whether she was medicating because of whatever happened in the veil. He didn't even ask her what he saw, he simply saw Penny, the girl who missed her Godfather.
These words, they broke through that wall Penny liked to keep firmly between hers and others and made her want to share with him, to finally release the feelings that had tormented her since the day she'd returned to the ministry but had no one she could share them with.
"When I came out, I didn't even know how much time had passed, but the ministry officials were already there, taking the Death Eaters away. It was like they'd seen a ghost when I appeared," Penny began. "It didn't take long for them to take me away, and Remus—the Order they all just stood there and watched," she scoffed, her anger boiling to the surface.
A hand clasped Penny's shoulder, letting her know he was there, but Fred remained silent, allowing her the space to continue if she wished to do so.
"In that room, there was a bunch of Unspeakables, those loathsome Unspeakables. I wanted to hex the lot of them, but they'd taken my wand and said they would only let me out if I answered their questions. They spoke about him, about Sirius, like he was some thing, like his death didn't matter—" Penny choked, her eyes burning, but she pressed on. "I don't why but I just figured he'd always be here, you know?" Penny said, turning to Fred as the tears finally broke free. "He was supposed to be here to tell me what to do. But he's not and I know he's not, but I can't stop looking for him, for that lopsided grin and shaggy hair. I don't know if it's shock or grief or my brain just refuses to believe it, but I keep expecting to find him and when I don't—"
Penny trailed off, unable to control the emotions that were now constricting her airway.
"I can't, Fred. I know I shouldn't—but I can't it's unbearable," she admitted.
The sound of a chair scratching against the tile met Penny's ears and soft arms embraced her, pulling her into his chest. She collapsed into it, trying to muffle her sobs with his shirt, but they only seemed to become more violent. "He was supposed to be here. Doesn't he know how much I need him?"
"You were robbed of the time you deserved together, and I wish there was some way for me to give it back to you. However, so far I have not worked out how to do that, but given enough time and resources I do not doubt I will succeed ," he said, Penny finding comfort in the jest in his voice. "For now I'll have to settle for making sure nothing else is stolen from you. I know the drugs help, but Penny, they're taking more from you. Is not grief the most ardent expression of love? That hole and the horrible pain that accompanies it, it's your entire body expressing how important Sirius is to you. Maybe I'm an utter prat, but I'm convinced there has to be more solace in the reminder that Sirius is part of you than doing your best to forget him," Fred said, gently this time, sending Penny into another wave of tears.
Had she been doing exactly what she'd accused Snape of, trying to escape? Could she really profess to love Sirius when she spent so much energy trying to be free of the memory of him? Agony or not, Penny could not bear the thought of Sirius becoming a distant memory, not when he'd change her life and showed her a happiness she'd never known before. How could she be so calloused?
"Mind keeping it down, some of us like to keep a schedule—" came George's disgruntled voice as he flicked on the light. "Oh. . ." he immediately backtracked when his eyes found the intimate scene before him.
Choking back a sniffle, Penny pulled away wiping her eyes causing George to say "Ooh," again. "Are we finally discussing Sirius?" he said, looking between the two.
"Impeccable timing you have, George," said Fred darkly, reaching for a napkin and handing it to Penny.
"We are! Let me just get the tea started. Have a box of Sirius' favorite somewhere in here—" George said, rummaging in the cupboard.
When he'd found what he was looking for, he waved his wand to start the kettle and took the seat on Penny's other side, his hand taking up residence on her back and rubbing it gently. "You know, I think this is the healthiest response you've had all summer."
Penny couldn't help but laugh in disbelief at him, Fred shaking his head.
"What? You know it's true! But honestly Penny, it's lucky Fred here found a use and spoke some reason into you, because I was like 24 hours away from hexing that wannabe—rockstar."
"Why does everyone seem to dislike Ed? He's actually quite nice," said Penny, blowing her nose.
"Not a clue," Fred said sardonically.
"What can I say, I have a hard time seeing the misunderstood qualities of the bloke selling 16-year olds narcotics. But that's just me," George added, moving to the now—steaming pot and filling three mugs.
"I know when I'm outnumbered—" Penny said, leaning down to smell the tea he placed before her and getting hit by a wave of nostalgia that made her freeze in place. It was like being thrown back in time, Penny suddenly utterly disoriented and blissfully unaware of her aching chest.
"Yeah, same thing happened to me when I found it the other day. Reminded me of sitting in that kitchen with him and shit talking," George said, his voice subdued and eyes seeing exactly what Penny was experiencing.
Closing her eyes, a new wave of tears washing down her cheeks, Penny imagined the kitchen at 12 Grimmauld Place, its table full of occupants and meals always loud. And. . .Sirius, sitting beside her like he always did, talking loudly and always the center of attention. He always had a way of entertaining, it was a talent Penny admired because it seemed to come from a place of true delight. But now that table was empty and the house dark and Penny never wanted to endure the pain of stepping inside again, not with Sirius' presence missing.
Unable to spend another moment imagining that empty kitchen, she opened her eyes and wiped her tears before taking a sip.
"Thanks, you two," she said. "I don't know why I got it in my head that I was the only one who missed him."
"Bit self-absorbed, aren't you," Fred grinned.
"You tell me," she bit back.
"Don't listen to Fred, Penny. He thinks you've been needlessly using Ed for sex when Fred's right here and more than happy to take care of your needs."
"Oi!" Fred yelled, jumping to his feet ready to batter his brother.
But George was one step ahead of him and had darted out the door, pausing to stick his head back in and say, "If you get lonely and sick of this prat, the door is always unlocked," George winked. And then he was gone, leaving Fred cursing him under his breath and Penny trying not to laugh at the absurd twist the conversation had taken.
"For the record, I've never even kissed Ed," she said with a small smile.
Fred turned back to her looking very much as though this news were surprising to him and then like he did not want her to know this were surprising to him.
"I never doubted you for a second," he said with that dramatic flair she remembered from their time in the drama club.
"Uh-huh," Penny replied, setting her mug in the sink and following after George.
"I didn't!" he protested.
"Goodnight, Fred," Penny called, finding herself chuckling under her breath and feeling as though sleep might come easier this night thanks to her friends.
When Penny woke the next day, it was to a loud rapping sound. Rubbing her groggy eyes she looked at her clock. It was midday which meant Fred and George were certainly at the joke shop by now. So who would be at the door if they weren't at home, muchless, knocking with such annoying persistence. She really wanted to roll over and return to her sleep but figured the responsible thing was to see who it was.
Not bothering to put some pants on, Penny made for the door in her underwear and oversized t-shirt, shouting "I'm coming!" as she went and ready to shout expletives too when she opened the door to the idiot who refused to stop pounding
"Yes, I heard you the first 40 times."she said in irritation, freezing when her eyes found the disheveled form of Remus Lupin standing there Instinctively she made to slam the door in his face, but his reflexes were faster than hers and he caught it, stepping forward and holding the door in place with little effort on his end.
He looked down on her, his brown hair a mess, and shirt partly unbuttoned. If seeing him did not cause her to want to recoil into a ball of misery as she whimpered in pain, she might have thought he looked handsome, and much improved from the last time she'd seen him. But her wary heart knew better, and her guard sprang up immediately.
"Please, Penny, just hear me out," he pleaded.
"I think I heard enough of what you had to say the other day," Penny said. Letting go of the door, she turned and made to run away like a coward, but again Lupin caught her, chasing her into the house.
"I'm not doing this again with you, Remus. I gave you my answer," Penny said, her breathing unsteady as she looked into the pleading brown eyes.
For some reason she had expected to find bruising or some mark left by Snape, and its absence left her wondering what had transpired last night.
"Penny, you don't understand," he pressed, looking desperate. "Just one minute—"
"No, Remus. I was there, every night. In fact, it was you who taught me to apparate so I could get you home all those nights. So I do think I understand."
"No, you don't," he said, sounding agonized, and taking a step forward and pressing Penny backwards until her back hit the wall and his face found her shoulders, his arms holding her firmly in place by both upper arms."It wasn't me—I should have never said those things. I didn't mean them, I swear I didn't. I can't live with myself," he said, his tears rolling toward her neck and tickling their way down her chest, testing the resolve in her to stand up for her dignity.
He was shaking violently, the weight of his body crushing her against the wall. The broken heart inside Penny seared with pain and her chest rose and fell rapidly. Every part of her ached to embrace the man before her, but she could not forget those awful words he had spoken with such ease; could not free herself from the guilt he'd left embedded deep inside her.
"I can't do this, not now," Penny said, doing her best to sound stern and knowing he heard the way her voice quivered.
"No, no, no. But I'm working on it, Penny. Don't you see, I'll get better and we can—"
"Stop," she said, actual firmness in her voice now. "I honestly hope that you do get better, Remus. But you need to leave now."
He moved from her shoulder, his hands grabbing her cheeks and held her, their noses almost touching and tears streaking his face. "Don't do this, Penny. I beg you. I can't do this without you."
Pressing her eyes shut, Penny tried to find the strength within herself, but all she found was a tear, which slid treacherously down her cheek. "Please."
"It was Snape, wasn't it. He did this—he's poisoned you against me with his lies. You can't listen to him. It's always been you and me, of course he was envious—"
"Snape?" Penny said, eyes snapping over incredulously. "I understand you are not yourself, Remus. But Severus Snape has absolutely nothing to do with this. And you blaming him only further proves why this conversation was a mistake in the first place."
"He hates my kind, you know he does!"
"Did he make you behave the way you have? Are you going to try to convince me he had you under the imperius curse the day you uttered those cursed words?"
The little color left in Remus' face drained away and he took a step away from her, evidently speechless, but no-less agonized.
"You know that I am the last person to ever find fault with you. But this—after Sirius—" Penny choked, the tears burning against her eyes again. "I-can't forgive you, Remus. I just can't," she said, barely audible now. "The worst part of this is you're the only person who understands how utterly empty I am without him. You knew how much it hurts, but you still chose to say those things knowing what they would do to me. And now they won't stop haunting me." She paused for a moment to wipe her face and straighten up. "I didn't need Snape to realize helping you was a detriment to myself, you showed me that. So don't you dare blame him. Now go, before I call Tonks," Penny said sternly.
Mouth opening and closing several times and looking at an utter loss, Lupin tried to reach for her, but Penny took a step away and pointed to the door.
He looked down at the floor and cleared his throat. "Okay, whatever you wish. But just know, I am so sorry, Penny. I've been an utter fool. But I swear to you, I love you more than anything—" he said taking several steps backwards, eyes never leaving her. "I swear," he reiterated in a whisper that pierced her into the bitter recesses of her soul and nearly sent her flinging in his arms, but she remained where she was, knowing this was the right decision. He watched her, the hope that flickered in his eyes dying away when he realized he could no longer reach her. "I just ask you to remember, I'm human too," he said, his normally warm eyes bloodshot now. "I love you," he said with one last look at her, and then Penny was standing in the hall alone, staring dumbstruck at the place Lupin had been standing.
And then she collapsed to the floor, the back of her head banging against the wall as she devolved into tears.
She'd done it—honored how she was feeling despite the compulsion to comfort him, so why did it hurt this much? Why did it feel like a piece of her was missing?
Penny remembered the day she'd first laid eyes on Remus Lupin, that jovial, brilliant, mysterious defense against the dark arts teacher who loved to tease her and spend quiet evenings drinking tea; she'd been quite certain then that he was her first love, full of passion, kindness and sincerity, he was everything Penny had always dreamed of.
Remus had loved parts of Penny she'd always been too afraid to share, shining his light on her and making her bloom. And she, Penny, had seen Remus for the beautiful man he was, and accepted him exactly as he came, something he seemed to never dream was possible.
Unfortunately for Penny, in the naivety of her love, she failed to acknowledge one of the most recognized truths about first love: it always came to an end much sooner than anyone anticipated, and when it did, it rendered those lovers into something they no longer recognized. And here Penny sat, the mangled mess of what loving Remus Lupin had made her—empty, except for the regret.
However, when the daydream falls apart, a beguiled lover can finally see what had been there all along, and standing before Penny at the threshold of the apartment was Severus Snape. He stood watching her silently wearing a long black trench coat that stopped at his ankles, highlighting his absurdly shiny shoes. In his hands were two coffees and on his face was the bruise she'd expected to find on Lupin's.
Shutting the door behind him, he slid down against the wall beside her. Not even turning to look at her or bother to say hello, he offered her the coffee wordlessly, and when she took it, he wrapped his free hand around her shoulder and let her return to her crying.
I do love Lupin. But at this point, HOW CAN PENNY FORGIVE HIM. And really, I was dying for a chance to reverse Lupin and Snape's roles. Snape showed up fully intending to kill Lupin, but he didn't do so because his love for Penny has changed him, though I think what he said to Remus was BRUTAL. And Remus lost it and hit Snape. I think it was a bit of the icing on the cake for Lupin realizing how horrible he's been.
It hurts me :( but thats life, sometimes we all make poor decisions and Penny had to make the best decision for her 😭
i'm headed to bed now, have a good rest of your week and weekend!