About an hour later I opened my eyes. Hawkeye was still sitting beside me. He had fallen asleep his head was bent down, his chin resting on his chest. He looked even more exhausted than I was. Colonel Potter noticed that I was awake and began to walk towards me. I painfully moved my arm and placed one finger above my lips, motioning for him to be quiet. He smiled and nodded. He pulled out a chair and sat down beside me. Silently he checked my pulse and temperature. He smiled again and gave me a thumbs up. As he was leaving I grabbed onto his arm.
"Help me up?" I whispered as quietly as possible. He placed his strong hands under my arms and helped me to sit up slightly. For the next half hour I was content to watch the activity going on around me. The nurses were all trying to be as quiet as humanly possible. I wondered just how long it had been since Hawkeye slept last. I stared at the man. As I studied him I tried my hardest to remember how I had gotten there. I couldn't remember a thing. I didn't even know how long I had been unconscious. The pain medication they had given me was beginning to wear off. I signaled one of the nurses and asked if she thought it would be best if I had more. She looked surprised that I wanted her opinion. I honestly didn't want any meds. They would make me feel so dizzy and out of it. I hated feeling like that. She said it was up to me so I told her to forget it.
Hawkeye began to stir and I shut my eyes hoping if he saw me asleep he would try and get some more rest. Unfortunately I heard him get up and pace back and forth next to me.
"Hawk?" He jumped at my voice and I wanted to laugh. He seemed afraid of me.
"Hey." He picked up my hand. "We've been worried sick about you!" He exclaimed gently.
"How did I get here?" He sighed.
"What is the last thing you remember?"
I frowned trying to recall exactly what happened. It was difficult; the memories were all vague and terrifying.
"I remember, falling." I paused, trying my hardest to sort everything out. "I saw a hut and I tried to crawl towards it." Hawkeye winced at this. He must have realized how painful that had been. "I don't remember anything after that."
"Then why are you blushing?" He asked teasingly. I drew my hand to my cheeks, they were hot. I had been thinking about the dream I had. There wasn't a chance in the world that I would tell him about it.
"How did I get here?" I repeated. He leaned forward resting his elbows on his knees. He picked up my hand and held it in his.
"A Korean farmer found you outside of his hut." He sighed and continued. "He carried you to the nearest battalion aid station. They had been alerted to be on the look out for any American females coming through, so they called us." He paused. "What happened?" I looked up at him, surprised. What happened? I wasn't sure if I could remember.
"The engine, it was on fire." The memories began to slowly creep back into my mind. When I woke up, Koreans…I tried to crawl away…" I was almost sobbing at this point. He got up from the chair and sat down beside me on the cot, putting a comforting arm around my shoulders. I had wanted this for so long; just a simple reassurance of his friendship.
"I'm sorry." He whispered into my ear. "I'm so sorry." I didn't understand what he meant. What was he sorry about? "I shouldn't have convinced Potter to make you leave." Ah, so he's feeling guilty. Self-pity washed over me. He was only comforting me to appease his own guilt. Well I didn't want to let him off that easy. The tenderness I had been feeling began to turn to stone. I remembered the night before I left and what had happened between us. I realized there was no hope for us to be together.
"I'm tired." I said abruptly. He looked down at me. I'm sure he was wondering at the change of tone in my voice. "Could you leave me alone?" I said it more as a command then as a question. I looked down at my lap not wanting to see the hurt that filled his eyes.
"Alright, I'll come check on you in a few hours." He said as he retreated from my cot.
"Don't bother," I said cruelly. "BJ can check on me. It will be his shift." Hawkeye nodded and walked out.
Colonel Potter walked over to me and sat down in the chair. I groaned inwardly, I had forgotten he was still in post-op.
"I'm surprised at you Margaret." He was frowning and I felt like a little girl being reprimanded by her father. "That boy went half crazy while you were gone." I refused to soften my expression and Colonel Potter sighed. "Don't push him away Margaret. If you won't do it for him do it for me; I don't want to lose another surgeon." I raised my eyebrow questioningly. What did he mean?
"He was thinking about killing himself Margaret." I was shocked; Hawkeye Pierce, probably the only one in camp who had found a way to deal with the war, and he was suicidal? I couldn't believe it. I stared down at my hands as Colonel Potter continued. "BJ found him by the minefields three different times. He would stand there and just stare into the center off it. He couldn't live with the guilt of what he felt he had done to you. He couldn't live with the fact that he could have killed the woman he loves."
My head flew up. My heart began beating rapidly and all the color drained from my face. Colonel Potter chuckled.
"Don't act so surprised Major. I would think you would have found the fact obvious by now." Tears filled my eyes and spilled silently down my cheeks. I shook my head.
"He can't...I told him...He…he just..." After sobbing out these few words I burst into tears. If he loved me as Potter thought he did, then why did he reject me when I told him that I loved him?
"You told him what Major?" I tried my hardest to control the torrent of tears. I took a shaky breath.
"I told him I loved him." I whispered quietly. Colonel Potter sighed.
"Major, I don't know when you told him this but I think you should tell him again."
I can't." I said, beginning to sob again. "You're wrong...I... I just can't..."
"Major, that man loves you. I'm not sure why he didn't admit it before but give him another chance; for both of your sakes. Please?"
I nodded halfheartedly. "Fine Colonel."
"That's my girl." He said, patting my hands. "I'll go get him."
"NO!" I cried. "I'll…uh…I'll just talk to him later."
"Nothing doing Major. You'll talk to him now." He said sternly as he walked outside.
I sat perfectly still in my cot for the next few moments. I was terrified. What was I going to say?
Hawkeye walked towards me and I ducked my head and let my hair fall in front of my face like a curtain; shielding me from having to look into his piercing blue eyes. I couldn't stand the hurt and confusion I saw there.
"Potter said you wanted to talk with me?" He said questioningly. I nodded, trying desperately to control my emotions. I chocked back my tears.
"I'm sorry." I muttered. I sounded like a school girl being forced to apologize for something. "I…" Should I just tell him? I didn't know if I was willing to risk my heart again. "I…um…" I couldn't keep the tears back any longer and they poured out. Sobs wracked thought my body with such an intensity that I couldn't breathe. Hawkeye hurriedly sat down beside me.
"Shhh, it's okay." He tried to calm me like one would a small child. Rubbing my back slowly and holding me tightly. All I could do was shake my head.
"I'm so sorry." I said over and over again. He looked at me with a sad smile.
"Margaret…" he began. I cut him off, shaking my head.
"I love you!" Once I said it the tears only increased. I felt like my world was falling apart. I had always managed to distance myself from people. It was the only way I knew how to deal with my feeling. I just avoided having any feelings at all. That tactic was useless to me now. I was in too deep and I couldn't even breathe. I felt as if I was drowning in my tears. Suddenly I heard a gentle laugh coming from Hawkeye. I looked up at him and gazed into his sparkling blue eyes. He was smiling.
"I love you too." He gently lifted my head and kissed me.