All Standard Disclaimers apply

Warning: This chapter contains some mild sexual content

Chapter 6

 The Foundering

Despite my first, and I may say, still my greatest loss, time was yet unimportant to me. One might say it had become even less than it was prior, almost a point of avoidance. There was nothing in me after the violation that desired an understanding of time. I despised the passage of time, the whiles, the stretches, the spells. All served as a disgusting aide memoire of the horrible event that had at first rendered me as a defeated combatant, then as a shattered female. Even now in memory, the shards of events left within are brief and flashing, much as you must have found when reading it. In retrospect, the aftermath was far more shattering than the event itself. For in the light of day, awake and aware of what had happened, I came face to face with the monster, as if  everything was taking place again, with every second that ticked by.

 I awoke fog bound and still critically ill. Comprehension as to my situation, the what and how of it all was not long in coming. Regardless of my half conscious state, my femininity recalled everything and whispered to my consciousness the facts of the event. I had been set up, trapped, and raped.

"She doesn't look very well" The blonde muse remarked, dabbing a cool cloth along my sweating face. In my hapless slumber I had forgotten about the three girls who had appeared like wood nymphs from some Greek myth.

"Of course she doesn't. You wouldn't either" the darker one said. With her voice I recalled the cracking of the man's skull as something was crashed over it.

"I think it was rat poison"

"Laudanum"

"Arsenic?" They had a color spectrum in their hair. The first had been golden blonde. The next was dark, darker than even I.

"There is Arsenic in rat poison, you fool"

The third had the crimsoned tresses of my mother. Aria.

"It doesn't matter" my sister began, her arms folded before my bed just as she appeared a few minutes ago out of these memories. She wore all the niceties and brilliances of a Lefrey's student. I felt my stomach roil again at the thought that my sister should be placed into this whore's training camp.

"I really think we should summon a doctor of some sort, Aria. I can send for my family physician. He will be discreet if you wish secrecy" the blonde one's hand fell from my cloth, leaving it propped upon my forehead. Aria did not look at her, but remained fixed on me. I noted the same hard look on her face that I had been seeing for months in the mirrors I gazed into. My sister shook her head, refusing again.

"If she is strong enough, she will resist the poison."

A hard thing to hear from your own sister. But then, when had we ever had the chance to be true sisters?

I could see from the way she gazed at me that she was evaluating my strength, wondering if I was everything I was cracked up to be. Would I physically resist whatever poison was now in my blood? I had obviously failed the first test by allowing myself to be poisoned in the first place.

Her stiff imperiousness as she stood at the foot of the bed troubled me greatly. A slight notion of pecking order asserted itself and underneath my nausea I was angry that my little sister should assume any kind of condescension. The rest of me was rather disappointed that she had been so clearly molded to my family's ideal of a hard, judging young woman. Or perhaps that was really jealousy. Aria seemed in that instant to be a vision of what my father had in mind for me. For a moment my blood ran cold from either the poison or the image my younger sister presented. If I died here in this bed from unknown poisons, Aria would fit my purpose beyond perfection. I could have killed her for that; for being so weak as to not resist the gauntlet of my father and his entourage, for fitting so snuggly into the shoes that had been crafted for me long before she was ever born, for ceasing to be the baby in my hands as my mother had left her, for looking like my mother more than I, yet being nothing like her. All these things asserted themselves in a matter of seconds before I was once again overtaken by the poison in my body.

I understood the need for no doctor; we did not use doctors in the Isle. Believing more in the natural evolution of people and in strengthening bloodlines, the Isle people took to heart the idea of "the strong will survive". If a child or adult fell to illness or accident, the verdict was that they had died as a result of their own weak bodies and feckless minds, and not because of medical absence. I had always held with this strategy for living and found it prudent. However, feeling my insides turn to jelly and churn like a stormed sea against the walls of my being made me regret that conclusion.

So, I was left to live or die by nothing more than the natural endurance of my body. It would be an outright lie to say I was scared. I was terrified and feeling hateful towards my sister for condemning me to this course. How stupid I was then. Never before had I feared dying. I had always known for a fact that I would not fear death, because I would be ready for it. I know now, save for one man; no one is ever ready to die.

But, clearly, I survived. My body lingered in that haze of sickness for what seemed like a lifetime. I am told it was a little over a day and a half. In possession of strong white blood cells, I was sitting up in bed by sunset of the next day, making myself silent promises to become intimate with the knowledge of medicine one day. Aria was not there when I re-acquired myself, but she was there before long. The night brought her in, turning on every lamp in the room, for she remembered my fondness of electric light, like owning the sun in spite of an inconsistent moon.

            My previous assessment of her did not waver under the fresh light and rebooted wits. She held herself proudly and competently and it was already driving me mad. When she sat down on the bed next to me, I expected something of a debriefing, cold and robotic. Her eyes did look a tad troubled, a skill of concealment she hadn't quite mastered. They were blue in this light, instead of the normal steady gray …

 … Now remembering it, I like that blue shine … that looks like the sky near the sea on the shores of West beach, Essex county in that beloved country so close to my heart now, if not then, that blue that speaks of the greatest of possibilities and endless depths. It is a color that silently offers its hand to you with a promising smile; if only you would take it … It is the same color the eyes of Zechs carry when he is meditative. But though it comforts me, I cannot speak of Zechs now. I will come to him later, at his place . . .

Aria was not yet pretty, still too young for any kind of attractiveness beyond that of a child. But there was nothing of a child in her now, and I hated that the most of everything, though I couldn't and still cannot say why. Becoming agitated with her gaze, I widened my eyes at her and jutted my head forward in a silent WHAT, impatiently waiting for her to say something. Her brows arched roughly.

"What do you want to do about it?" She asked as if it were nothing.

"About what?"

"Vespertine and the rest" Aria knew and I think I must have too, because I felt no shock. I had smelled her there. I remembered the musk of must that always signaled the serpent's passing. It made all the sense in the world, "we have ways of making you leave" she had said.

The memories of that brutal invasion and theft of my innocence sparked upon me then. I felt for an instant like a propane tank that had been flicked by a hot cinder, ready to burst into flame at the thought of hands and mouth and sweat that had been put upon me against my will. The spark entered my brain and nestled itself deep. I looked at Aria.

But even as I meant to say something of revenge, a deep cut was made inside me and I lost my breath. I was stricken again with the memory of what had happened and I crumpled. When my breath came back to me, it was ragged and heaving. I saw in an instant then, how much I had been torn asunder and how I would never rise from it. I would never be able to push beyond that afternoon. No revenge would ever assuage this terrible rip in my spirit, and it was utterly, entirely, my fault. I had allowed it to happen. I now had no right to any revenge, for in allowing it to happen, I had effectively raped myself.

            There were no tears. I must say, there have never been any tears. But I crumbled and fell all the same, sobbing a breathy and dry sob upon the satin sheets. It must have been shock that delayed this reaction. I was no rock. I could defend myself no better against the psychological onslaught of such violation than can most victims of sexual assault. Aria was no longer a point in my attention. Instead she lingered in the background, amidst the terrible hot-cold and smell of the man who had broken me that now surrounded every portion of my consciousness.

It had been my doing, my fault.

"Leave me" I said through one tearless sob. Aria bent forward, surprised by my behavior, as if she were inspecting the strange actions of an animal.

"Get out!" I shouted, throwing myself back up and taking hold of her arm enough to toss her from my side. I stared at my younger sister with a feral scowl, warning her not to attempt anything else with me. Aria watched me for half a moment, collected herself, and departed without haste or further loitering.

After that, I sank, willfully. The rape replaying in my mind and yet never making sense enough for me to accept it, the blame of it dragged me down into an undertow of complete misery. I did not admit Aria again. The Pirates were forbidden from my door and Mrs. Duhamel was likewise shut out. I allowed a tray of food to be placed outside my door with an accompanying knock. No doubt the administration would tell my father of my inactivity and refusal to be roused. But that was good in my opinion. I soon ceased laying all the blame on my own shoulders; much of it was deferred in a short time. By a week's time, I believe, I had decided that it was my father, who by sending me here, had raped me.

When I reached that conclusion, that spark roused itself in my brain again. I was dangerously angry now for perhaps the first time in my life. The night it began was a memorable one for me, figuring very prominently in my mind all the days of my life following it.

The balcony. I had not set foot on it in some time, having forsaken any comfort in the fresh, ever-moving air of the outdoors and nature. But this night, as a black haze of rage encircled the visage of my father as I pictured him within, I ventured there. Pacing back and forth and breathing rather heavily, I stalked my balcony terrace, stopping only to hurl a potted plant from the height. I can't tell you what kind of a night it was, what I was wearing, the temperature, or any other bland description. All I saw that night was red. The image if Merrick Delizabane covered in his own blood for what he had done to me.

I knew that it had not been his doing. Vespertine had contrived the maneuver and executed it to victory. The serpentine smell of her still wafted through the memory of it. She had been there, and Aria herself had confirmed. It was all corroborated. And yet, it was my father who I blamed, outside myself. It was my father who made this happen. I imagined, almost lustfully, seeing him begging for clemency at my feet. If only I could secure that look of defeat from him in life as I could in my fevered mind. I would have given all the peace of a lifetime to have him know that I existed and he would pay the toll for abusing me as he had. Like a sealed pack with a demon I envisioned it; anything to give me the power to overcome my father who had done this to me.

Helplessly, I sought a momentary respite from anger with that Doubt I had created in the dream they had all fostered in me, of that beautiful country we would resurrect and achieve everything we sought for in life. My dream of that nation that I had personally shattered as a mark of my own independence now loomed before me, but far off and distant. The doubt I had manifested abandoned me and I reached out for it, calling.

"Help me, America! I'm lost. Take me back!"

But it faded and spirited itself away into the mists of an unrealized dream, to be replaced by the anger again. Seizing upon a flower vase near on the terrace table, I flung it with a strangled cry off the balcony, where it smashed like my doubt on the bricks below. I was oblivious to the startled shout below. I crouched down into my grief, whispering for my lost dream, for my lost America.

"That's fucking it!" the roughed and highly agitated voice came from below. I heard a few grunts and slaps against stone. Perhaps, had I not been so involved in my own emotional blitz, I might have realized that someone was climbing up the curving wall to my balcony.

Of course, I didn't realize that at all until he was climbing over the railing. The young man's hands were on the railing and he was pulling himself over by the time I regained myself. He wasn't having an easy time of it either. The wall was awkward and the railing a few feet away. I imagine he must have been driven by a pronounced anger to have even attempted this feat, never mind accomplishing it. My fist thought however, was not to allow myself to be seen in this state. Without thinking, I picked up the nearest small object, a small stone that lay as an irrigation tool in one of the larger potted plants, turned sharply and threw it hard at the balcony flood light, the only outside illumination. The stone hit its mark and shattered the light in a shower of glass and dying electricity just as the young man pulled himself over the rail and onto the stone safety of the balcony floor.

He was heaving mad breathes. "Are you trying to kill me?" he rasped out between intakes.

I hadn't a clue what he was talking about; for I was at that moment making sure he couldn't really make me out in the now poor light. I was satisfied that he couldn't when I marked that I could barely see him either.

"Well? This is the second time you have launched something at me from your little haven up here." He was speaking International, but I definitely caught the French accent this time. Having recovered a little from his excursion, the man … no … boy, stood tall and proud, arms folded superiorly. I caught the gleam of army medallions on his jacket from the limited light coming through the windows of my room. His features were as obscured as they were on our first meeting, but I could make out just enough to know that he was squinting, trying to see me better. I kept myself in a shadow, avoiding the light.

"Are you a mute now?" he demanded, but quietly, likely he didn't want to alert anyone else to his invasion. But he was also quick enough to see that I wasn't going to answer. So he took a step forward. I in turn, took one back.

"Get out" I swore out at him as he tried to approach.

"The way I came?" he indicated over the railing. "I don't think so. Coming up was enough of a trial." The boy seemed far calmer now, but not at all inclined to leave. I took the family initiative.

"I can send you back that way if you force me to." It was the wrong thing to say, for having threatened, I sparked his further interest, having spoken so much, my accent was now apparent and indicated more than I wished. He sharply noted it and began pursuing

"You speak uncommonly."

I wisely did not answer. So he answered my silence by coming forward again. "Come into the light" he said quietly, all trace of anger gone from his voice. But what had replaced it seemed far more dangerous. I did not move to obey. He was definitely turning things over in his head. After half a moment of tense silence, he spoke again, seeing that I would not.

"This is very interesting. I had not suspected at all that you would be here." He spoke now as if he knew me. The very real fear that he might suddenly caught in my throat. I didn't want anyone knowing me. I wanted to sink under the waters and be forgotten so that no one would know it when I rose again to strike at them.

"Have you ever been to the Irish coast, on the western side? It is remarkable there. My family was permitted to vacation there recently. Some of your family was there as well. Our fathers apparently had much to discuss. I did see your younger siblings there, the boy and girl. I'm sorry, I don't recall their names. But your absence was more obvious and keenly felt. I had greatly hoped you would be there."

Words cannot express how troubled I was in those moments.

"Who are you?" I tried to keep my tone bland and my accent hidden.

"The future Duke of Aquitaine"

"You and the rest of the world." I scoffed. Everyone and their father seemed to have some kind of title to them. I was not impressed in the slightest. He seemed to understand that perfectly.

"Well, it is not as impressive as already being the Countess of Mortain-" Shit. I had still hoped he was mistaking me for someone else. "-but it will present some advantages later on."

"Why would my father and meet with your father. He is disgusted by  . . ." I held off, searching for the proper words.

"Alliance scum, perhaps? Eh … scum can be useful at times. Your father is an important man, and a member of the Alliance himself, of course."

I wanted to be sick. But my question was still unanswered

A small flickering came from inside his jacket and with it a tiny beeping. He removed a small device and opened it before me. It had a vid screen in it, for the light of it suddenly illuminated his face as he spoke into it.

"What?"

The device made some answer I could not hear.

"Up on the second floor. The balcony over the dormitories."

Again, a listening silence from him and the device crackled some response.

"I've already figured that out." He answered smartly to whatever the person on the other end had to say. It must have been another raid night for these randy noblemen's sons. I was still sick from hearing about my father.

The boy/man listened for a long time to what the device spoke to him, eventually, he turned his eyes back to my shadowed figure and what I could now see of his eyes was a cloudy tightness.

"When?"

Mumbling.

"How many of them and their names?"

More of the same.

"I wondered how he had been injured. The bastard hates me as much as she does. It is no real surprise they would collaborate this way. But seeing as how I didn't know she was here, there was nothing to be done for it."

The conversation went on without anything from the boy but yes and no answers. I longed to slip into the doors of my room and lock him away from me. But I would cross into the light, and it felt vital to not let him see me, even if he knew who I was now.

"I will have it taken care of." Then he shut the machine off and his face was obscured again. I had actually forgotten to mark his features. Though it really didn't matter, I had a strong feeling I would meet this young man again, whether I wished to or no.

He wasn't looking at me when he spoke, taking a moment prior to sort something out in his head. A heavy sigh sifted from him. "When the engagement is finalized, I will see to it that the ones who assaulted you are properly dealt with."

For so many reasons, it was the wrong thing to say to me. I choked for an instant as if ready to be sick again. A million thoughts swarmed my consciousness. Assault, , Father, Vesper, Aria, America, The Isle, Alliance, Engagement, all of it was far too much for the moment to contain. About me, the world seemed to stop and all that moved was a great spike of fire. It rushed from the air above our heads that still held his words fresh and drove itself right into my gut where it festered and leeched into my blood. I suddenly wished I had my old sword with me so I could have divested this boy of his head. With rage building in me from all he had said, from his calmness, from him knowing words, from his declaration that he would deal with the ones who had assaulted me, I stepped into the light towards him. It was a frightening kind of rage, because I was not out of control. I felt soft, floating, and yet consumed. I felt deadly. I felt epiphany, solution. In short, I went mad.

"You should go" I said, seeing almost passed him, knowing that now I was in the light and he was looking me over. I was too incensed to really look at him. The rest of what he had spoken of slipped out of my thoughts. All there was left was the insinuation that he would deal with it for me. It was mine to deal with. I knew what I was going to do. I had to find Aria first.

"You don't want to be here now. You should take your friends and go" As I spoke, it was there again, the rape taking place inside. The young man took hold of my arm for a moment, hard.

"What are you going to do?" his accent was very smooth.

"You will hear of it." I was looking out into the darkness. He must have heard the epiphany in my voice because he let go and went to railing. It would be easier going down. He lifted one leg over the edge and then looked back. "We will be meeting again, now that I know where to find you." I didn't bother to interpret, that was for later.

"I will not be here." He nodded after a time and disappeared over the side. When he was gone I extended my words to anything that was listening, which was nothing but the wind. "Nothing will be here."

Back in my room, I dressed into my favorite gown. It was black and plain and long, meant for my height. In my closet hung the Isle jacket I had arrived in. Letting my hair down and over my shoulders, I slid the jacket on and then went to my chair. I sat there for a long while, lingering in a dark and cold place. The epiphany reared again like a great stallion and I seized its mane so that I might be carried with it. You could be done with all of it, if you only grasp your duty.

 I rose then and went to find my book, The Account, by the fireplace, slipping it into my jacket. Also at the fire place, I grabbed a lighter and then went to Mrs. Duhamel's study where she kept an old kerosene lamp. Having stolen that, I went along, wrapped in the regalia of my country, to the dormitories. Outside the door, I lit the lamp and entered.

There is no point in noting the room, save for that it was large and lined with windows framed by great draperies, through which the many visiting boys came and went during the night. Instantly I heard the grunts and moans of students engaged with their visitors. Some shadows flickered, indicating the shapes and declines within the massive room. All else was darkened by night. I took it all in for a moment, like sucking in air you know you will not breathe again. Then I shouted.

"ARIA!"

The whole place was stopped, startled from sleep or from sex, hundreds of them, to see me standing at the entrance way. I shouted for my sister again, seeing a look a anxiety on some of the nearest girls. They were afraid of me. They had always been afraid of me. Tonight I was going to give them all reason to be afraid of me and of my country. I was taking my revenge on Madame Lefrey and all her would-be Alliance sluts. Tonight I was doing my family duty.

Aria wasted no time in running up from one of the many aisles of cots and beds, some nicer than others. She reached me, and I smiled inside. She too wore her black Isle jacket studded with gold, over her night gown. As if she knew my intent, she led me directly to where I wished. Within thirty paces I was at the foot of Vespertine's bed, which, larger than others, held one man and another girl, all of them nude and glistening. Vesper was not upset in the least, but perhaps a little nervous. She had wanted me gone, as the rest of them did, for a reason.

"Bags packed yet, Miss Analicia? Or have you taken a liking to our fine games?" She whispered. The man in her bed, and he was a man quite a few years older than any of us, seemed untroubled by me as he sucked on Vesper's fingers.

"I will allow you one moment for anything you want to say. That is all" I said clearly, not needing to whisper. The other girl in the bed looked like she wanted out. Beside me, Aria stood as taunt and emotionless image of me, but I could sense anticipation in her. Vesper seemed bored; she huffed back against her pillows, the sheets slipping down to expose her bare chest, which her shameless lover pursued.

"I told you to leave. But that was only part of it. I don't like your kind," she laughed, "none of us do and we do want you gone. However, that is only a small part of it. But if you really want to know why you got fucked the way you did, ask Jareth Khushrenada what he thinks about spoiled goods, and then send him my best wishes." Her fingers nestled in the hair of the man now voraciously laving her breasts. "Who is the Alliance whore now?"

For untold reasons, I smiled and nodded. In my ears, I heard Hirumatsu giving me council on advantage.

"Coming aboard?" the man bent his head to wink at me. I was standing directly before their wooden bed, lamp in hand.

"No, getting off." I answered. Lamp in hand. Do your duty and be done with it.

"You could be … in no time at all." He reached for my hand and Vesper the Serpent smiled for the last time. You could be done with it in no time. I took a step back and sent the kerosene lamp slamming into the headboard of their bed where it exploded on impact, breaking and raining fire and glass on the inhabitants. Screams erupted from the entire dorm, but I ignored all save for those of Vespertine, who was now half covered in burning kerosene, her bed burning around her. The fire spread to the great old draperies via the many bed spreads that also caught on fire. A thick black smoke gusted out of the curtains and into the room, soon they would fall and the fire would spread. Students were running, half dressed, some naked, searching for an escape.

 I watched her burn alive serenely, the smoke, already thick, drifting by and curling in my hair and clothes. Somehow, it did not effect me, the air I breathed was fresh as the duty newly performed.  The man, who himself was on fire and was rolling around on the floor, rose and rushed at me insanely. But Aria, who seemed to be relishing this as much I, was ready and sprung on him. She caught him around the neck, risking her own flesh to the fire on his body. But the struggled was swiftly concluded. When he finally fell, I saw Aria drawing a knife she had plunged into his throat. She must have kept it in her jacket the whole time. He slumped down twitching and gagging, the life in his throat pouring out. I held out my hand for it and Aria gave it over without hesitation. She was once again as calm and menacing as I then seemed to her.

"See that your comrades escape" I ordered her, marking how girls were still fleeing the burning room while others were trapped by the fire. "Then see to it that the fire spreads as far as it might" Aria went again without hesitation.

Before me, Vespertine Agrevienne  writhed. The other girl in the bed had long since flung herself through the window to escape the fire burning her body. Many others were escaping through the route she had created. Myself, I did not move. The fire seemed to avoid me, as if it recognized me as its liberator and honored me with a short amnesty. I thought nothing of it.  My body and mind felt completely detached as Vesper thrashed about, dying in front of me. My only concern was seeing that she did indeed die. Her hair was now gone and her limbs and face had become blackened and ruddy with blisters. She would likely die soon if left in the flame. But I had to be sure. I could hear Aria yelling for me to get out, my escape was rapidly diminishing. Holding onto the knife, I pulled Vespertine out of the fire that was now chewing along the bottom half of her. For an instant, she stopped thrashing to look at me with wild, animal-like eyes. That instant was the most surreal of my life. I was fourteen years old.

"You were right, we are mad." I made sure my accent was well pronounced. Then I slit her throat and dumped her back into the fire.

Aria was hailing me again, her two friends in trembling tow. As I hastened my way toward them, all remaining students ran away from me as if I were more dangerous than the fire. I recognized the other two girls with Aria as the ones who had retrieved me from the woods. We exited the burning hall through a pane Aria had broken in the great window and soon we were on the lawn. The two other girls were white as sheets as Aria and I calmly walked across the grass towards whatever was before us. I wasn't looking forward and I wasn't looking back, neither was my sister. We were walking blind and contented.

We saw cars parked just beyond a wooded patch by the road, where the young male visitors were now running. We made our way there. Several young men ran by us, asking if we were alright, as I was particularly blackened by smoke. But they didn't linger long when they saw it was us. None of them made to attack as I figured the men would. They all seemed phased when they saw me, as if they were looking at a ghost, or a demon.

When halfway there, I felt suddenly weary, and Aria caught my arm. The smoke I had inhaled now asserted itself and I crouched down to throw up black spittle and cough wildly. I was covered in black soot, but had noticed none of it. My senses were returning and I knew then that I had gone mad. I had slit Vespertine Agrevienne's throat and killed… probably many girls tonight. Everything was again in a  blackening whirl and I thought the smoke was descending upon me again. I was lifted just before I reached an unconscious state. Lying across someone's shoulder, my book slipped from the jacket. I saw Aria retrieve it quickly. Behind her, Lefrey's School for Young Women of Privilege burned into the darkness.