Kathy held her breath, not sure how to respond. When he said he couldn't go on, she had thought of the several funerals they had attended together for cops he knew who had ended their own lives. She didn't think that's what he had in mind, but she wasn't sure, and she didn't want to put the idea into his head by asking.
He hadn't been so honest with her since the birth of their twins. That day he'd wept with joy to find that she and they were all healthy, and he'd trembled with fear over the awesome responsibility they were facing. With four small children, he wasn't even sure he could keep them in diapers, let alone give them everything he wanted them to have. She'd been able to reassure him then by promising that they would share all the burdens and everything would be all right as long as they love each other.
Sadly, they had divided their chores rather than sharing them. He was the good provider bringing in a steady paycheck and keeping up with household maintenance and repairs. She was primary caregiver, feeding, clothing, and parenting the children. When his work schedule permitted, he'd help with homework, drive the carpool, or prepare the occasional meal, and when something one of the kids did really freaked him out, he'd take over as Head Disciplinarian for a while, but those duties usually fell to her.
She loved her husband and her children, and for a long time she had been happy to take up the slack when he couldn't quite manage everything he was supposed to do. Maybe that was why it had been so easy for him to drift away from them, because she had spent far too long trying to fill the gap he left in all their lives.
She still loved the man she had married, the man who had shared his hopes and dreams and fears with her. But she didn't know Elliot Stabler anymore, and she'd rather raise her children on her own than with a stranger.
"Kathy? What should I do?"
She gasped, a little startled by his voice in her ear, and she realized she had been silent for a long time. She didn't want to give him false hope, but she didn't want to discourage him either. She was afraid of what he might do to himself if she told him there was no hope.
If only things could go back to the way they were when they were first married! Yes, it was harder then because money was tight and the kids were small, but it was so much easier, too, because they were young and happy and in love. Back then, she knew what mattered to him and where he liked to be touched and what to say to make him blush; and he knew the same about her. No matter what went wrong from day to day, they could each make everything all right for the other.
Suddenly, she was struck by an idea.
"Get out our wedding album from the shelf under the TV," she told him. "The program from the service is in the pocket inside the front cover. Read the poem I had printed in it. That's the guy I married. I still love him, and I want him back. I want to be that woman again. If you want to be that guy, call me back when you're done reading. I'll be waiting by the phone."