soo… my friend decided that she wanted to write a HP fanfic… but she doesn't have a fanfic account so I offered to put it up for her… and… here it is!
Enjoy!
Harry's eyes swept over the Great Hall one cold November Monday. There were a number of empty seats at the staff table this morning. Hagrid was no suprise, considering that Friday night he had drunken enough liquor to kill three normal sized men. And if he was fine after that, then Harry would shove his broomstick up his butt. Actually...that sounded kind of good...
But, that was beside the point. Both Snape and Lupin were missing as well. After a brief explosion of shouting, undeniably Snape, Lupin walked into the room. He had a grin on his face, and he was trying not to laugh. He walked up to Harry and Ron and asked, "So, (snicker) you boys have Potions (snort) today?" At the boys-rather confused-nods, he burst into laughter, "Good. Be sure to stop by (guffaw) my office and tell me exactly what happens. Exactly. (cackle)"
Before breakfast was up, Lupin was taken to Madame Pomfrey for a calming potion. He had frightened the poor first-years by collapsing into laughter for about ten minutes nonstop. He looked pretty demented. Pretty damn demented.
For once, Harry was glad he had Potions first thing Monday morning. He and Ron practically ran to the dungeons, not knowing what to expect. The room blown up? Snape maimed? Dead? One could only dream...Ron got there first and burst in. He stopped short and Harry ran into his back. Looking around, he tried to discern what had made the other boy stop. Sitting in Snape's desk was a...woman? Whatever it was, it was wearing hot pink robes. Then the thing looked up. Harry's eyes bulged as he tried to subtly pinch himself. This had to be a dream.
"So happy to join my class Mr. Weasley, Mr. Potter?" a familiar voice sneered, "Coming early will not earn you the extra credit both of you so desperately need." T-t-that thing, that person was...Snape. Snape, in a hot pink robe. The imagery was...oh dear lord! Ron was looking faintly green. It would have been funny, Harry would have been laughing his arse off, if it weren't for the fact that Snape would rip out his small intestines and then strangle him with them if he did. "If neither of you have something to say, then sit DOWN!" So Snape was a little testy today. Like anyone would notice. It was barely a step above his usual spot of disgruntled anger at the world.
Both boys sat in shock for the twenty minutes it took the rest of the class to file in. No one in the class spoke. They were all staring at the professor, trying desperately to wake up. Snape tried to glare at the students until he realized it wasn't penetrating. He then preceded to shout at the students until they snapped out of their stupor and began to brew.
Most of the students brewed rather distractedly, and there was more than one explosion. About a half hour into the class, the Grfffindors, ("Brave my ass," thought Snape.) had pushed poor Neville up to the front of the room. Evidently, because he was transferring out, they had elected him to become the kamikaze.
"S-s-sir, um, I, that is...we, the students..." He drifted off under Snape's gaze of death.
"Spit it out, Mr.Longbottom, before I fillet you and dump you into my next potion!"
"Er...Wewantedtoknowwhyyouarewearingpink!"
Snape looked at Neville until the poor boy squeaked and scuttled back to his seat. "If you all must know," he said, "and I know some of you will be reporting this to someone, my lover and I had a quarrel. The only way he would agree to reconcile was if I wear this...thing for a day. Let me make myself clear right now, if any of you say anything behind my back, or send a picture to an older sibling, your life will not only be hell, but," here he raised a vial, "just in case you do, a fair warning. This potion will make your skin turn the brightest shade of pink imaginable, and all you have to do is eat one drop of it. You'd be pink for about three months. So keep your mouths shut."
Okay, thought Harry, that made senc-wait a minute! Harry's mind did a 180. Snape. Had. A. Lover. What the heck! Harry couldn't even get a girl that didn't want to cry and ask about her dead boyfriend, and Severus Snape, the greasy, grimy, nasty potions master had a lover! Ahh! It was too scary to even think about! It-oh God-he just had to picture it. Harry was sure he was going to hurl. "Think sexy thoughts, think sexy thoughts" he repeated in his mind. Okay, Ginny dancing, Lavender in a bikini, Draco in a thong...wait-where did that last one come in? Was he going insane?
He looked at Ron, who seemed to be coming to a brilliant deduction (yes, it can even happen to Won-won). He turned to Harry and mouthed one word. "Lupin".
Remus Lupin. The person that Snape had been yelling at this morning. The person that Harry and Ron were supposed to report to after class. Was Lupin Snape's lover? If Harry had to bet, he would have said Sirius, Tonks, maybe, but totally Sirius. Sure, they were great friends, but what grown man hugs his friend really close like that? Even if you hadn't seen him in about twelve years.
After class, Harry ran as fast as he could to Lupin's room. When he burst in, the man looked up, glee and anticipation clear on his face. At an inquisitive glance, Harry proceeded to tell the tale, omitting the part where Snape revealed he had a lover. Now was a good time to pounce and find out if Ron's suspisions were correct.
"Sooooo, Professor Lupin," He drawled, "I was wondering, how did you know that Snape was going to be in that pink disaster area anyway?"
The werewolf smiled slyly. "It was a...bet we had. That's all."
That cleared it up right there for Harry. Bet, yeah, sure, right. Uh-huh. Then he shook his head. Stuff like this was too much to bother thinking about. Besides, it's not like he wanted to end up in St. Mungos for this. And he would be going there soon if he didn't stop picturing it in his head! Urgh! Harry started to beat his head against the wall. He knew what he needed, a good snogging. Fred and George always said that it cleared the mind wonderfully. Now, where would Draco be this time of night?
And so another day turned to night in Hogwarts. Two boys were finding that equal lust made for wonderful snogging material, while down in the dungeon, someone was screaming the name of a certain Defense Against the Arts teacher's name...And to anyone who cared to know (athough, why would you?) the one shouting was on the bottom.