Chapter 2 – What Jim was thinking

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Jim slammed open the door to the break room and thanked his lucky stars that no one was inside at the moment. He needed to be alone.

Last week, he hadn't been thinking when he had set up the appointment with Jan. He'd snapped after the awful day spent listening to Michael read out loud all the pranks he'd played on Dwight over the years. Each on their own, they weren't that bad. But put together…Jim could totally understand why Dwight would want him gone.

He truly, honestly, hadn't realized how horrible he'd been to Dwight until that day. On paper, he sounded exactly like the bullies he had hated back in grade school. It was as if someone were holding a mirror up to his face and telling him to take a long, hard look at himself, to see what a terrible person he was. What a small, petty, childish guy he had become.

On that afternoon, his self-esteem had shot down so low he could have stepped on it and squashed it like a bug. He was so down, he didn't even protest when Dwight started pressuring Michael to transfer him. He figured he deserved whatever he got. If he was to be sent away from Scranton as a disgrace, then so be it.

And then, the icing on the cake: admitting to Pam that he had been the one to complain about her to Toby, and standing behind her for the group picture and seeing in the set of her shoulders that she was truly and completely pissed at him. He could imagine how betrayed she must have felt, how hurt she must have been and he hated being the one to do that to her.

He was, for all intents and purposes, her best friend in the office. Regardless of his…feelings for her and his deep, deep misgivings about her impending wedding, his duty as her friend was to be there for her, to make her laugh, and, most importantly, to not rat her out to HR!

His goal since January had been to not let her see how bothered he was by the wedding. He had tried to keep his distance. He had tried to not insult Roy in front of her. Christ, he had even booked a trip to Australia to ensure that he didn't jump up at the wedding and shout 'Me!' when the minister asked if anyone knew of a reason why Pam and Roy shouldn't be married. And he had failed, tripped up by his big mouth and Toby's promise of confidentiality. What a joke.

So he had waited until everyone had left before he called Jan in New York and asked to talk to her about the position in Stamford. She informed him that interviews were being conducted the next day and that Jill from Albany had cancelled her appointment so there was an open slot at 9:30. He said he'd be there.

It had gone well. He had a way with women, always had. He made a few quips, pointed out his steady performance in sales over the past five years and emphasized his desire for something bigger and better than being a sales rep in the medium-sized Scranton branch. He kept all mentions of Dwight, Michael and Pam out of the interview, choosing to focus on the professional rather than the personal. At 10:05, Jan shook his hand and thanked him for coming down on such short notice. She told him his file would be reviewed along with those of the other applicants and that a decision would be reached by May 12 at the latest.

On the drive back to Scranton, the doubts had begun to creep in.

What did he know about being a sales manager? The only clue he had was: do not act like Michael.

What did he know about Stamford? He was happy in Scranton. He liked his house, Mark was a good roommate and the pizza guy always threw in free soft drinks with his order because he was known as a good tipper. His mom lived close by, and he had tons of friends willing to hand over their hard-earned money in regular poker games.

And…

Did he want to be far away from Pam? A tough question to answer…and one he'd thought of a lot since January. He knew she wasn't his girl, but he had the agonizing, gut-wrenching feeling that she might be the girl. And, as hard as it was being near her knowing she was about to marry Roy, he suspected that losing touch with the day-to-day reality of her would be too much for him to take.

Those thoughts kept rolling around in his head, and by the time he got back to the office in early afternoon, he had halfway convinced himself that he would turn down the position if ever it was offered to him. He vowed to not talk about it, to let the whole "conflict resolution" issue die down. After all, Michael was notorious for his short attention span and if he stopped bugging Dwight, he just might forget about the whole "four years of torture" bit. Maybe.

But now…somehow, Pam had found out about it. He really, really didn't want to talk to her about it. He didn't want to hear her tell him that he should go for it, that it is was an amazing opportunity for him, that he'd be an idiot for passing it up. He didn't want her encouragement.

He wanted her to beg him to stay, to reiterate that she would blow her brains out if he left. But he knew that it was wishful thinking on his part. It would never happen.

Suddenly, the door of the break room banged open. It was Pam. He groaned and slumped lower in his chair.

"Jim…" she trailed off. He could tell she was nervous by the way she was wringing her hands.

"What is it, Pam?" he replied wearily.

"Could I…um, talk to you? In private?"

He made a show of looking around the empty break room. "We are in private."

"Um, I mean somewhere where we can't be disturbed…on the roof? I'll meet you there in five…ok?"

He sighed and rubbed his face with his hands. "Sure, I'll meet you up there."

TBC